figure

I am back after 2 years. My original post was from August 2004 when this guy I was seeing gave up a full scholarship in college playing football. He smokes marijuana all the time and still doesn’t think he has a problem after being arrested for it a year ago. He was stopped for speeding and the officer smelled it in his car. He paid a fine and did community service and now is off probation doing it again. I think he may be bipolar to. I have been seeing this guy off and on since 2004, 4 years this past February. I have been through so much with this guy and I always think I can handle it but never seem to be able to stop the feelings that I feel for him. I know he lies all the time but yet, I am still there for him. WHY????????? I went 6 months without talking to him and then he calls.......why does he keep calling me??? I can’t stand this addictive cycle thing.....it’s driving me crazy!! I just got back from seeing him after 1 year and a half!! We had a wonderful time.....then he started smoking in front of me. Then he went on rambling about why he does it and that he is not addicted and can function normal without it...blah...blah.....I just sat there listening....I had no clue what to say. I thought my feelings would have changed by now but they haven’t. I still care for him and love him very much. I just wish I knew what I meant to him?? I know that he is incapable of loving until he loves himself but why does he keep coming back to me? Is it because he knows he can get what he wants from me?? We have had so many arguments and I am trying not to be an enabler. His parents give him money all the time KNOWING that he is going to buy weed with it?? They wont talk to me anymore and do not want us talking. I am just trying to help! How can they not see that? How long can this continue? I don’t know how to handle it or how to stop it.....we go 4 months sometimes 6 months without talking. How can something like this be drawn out so long?? Why can’t I stop it? I know....he is my addiction to. Please help! This forum is my only hope and that’s why I am back.

splendra

Hey (((figure)))

Welcome back!

I know it's hard to give up someone you care about. You don't sound too happy. You asked why he keeps coming back maybe it's because he knows you will let him back in. Maybe it has nothing to do with what he wants but what he can get away with.

Keep the focus on your needs and what you want for yourself. If he is not who you really want to be with you will find a way to start putting space between you and him.

Miss Pink

If your addicted. you need to get help. alanon or naranon.

Maybe now you understand why he keeps smoking...cus HE is addicted.

I lost alot of years to my addicted to a drunk and addict....I aint never going back there again. I hopeyou seek 12 steps. They work!

hope213

why do you do this??? he comes back to you because he can. you do this because it is your choice. cut him loose. find a hobby, go back to school. make a decision that you want more. maybe you do not think you deserve better but you do. prayers for you that you can find yourself living a better life.

figure

That's exactly what I need to know, WHY DO I DO THIS? I only act this way with HIM and NO ONE ELSE. WHY?? I have been in counseling for 4 years now.......I have lots of hobbies plus I am going to doctoral school.....almost halfway through with coursework. I say that I am addicted because no one else can make me feel like he can. We had a great time together but I just know that he lies and has so many secrets and will never stop using until he gets caught again by the police probably. I don't know what to do.....Life hurts without him and life hurts with him.

imallright

Sounds like maybe you need a different counselor. Alanon might be worth a try too. You sound like one smart person, with plenty of good stuff to focus on... let him go. Write it down, say it, live it, do it. It will work... just think of you first. You are worth more than what he is willing to give.

figure

SPLENDA!

WOW! I can't get what you said out of my mind......."Maybe it has nothing to do with what he wants but what he can get away with." How can I find out the answer to this one? He calls me all the time sometimes leaving me messages and sometimes not.....says he really wants to see me. He has been telling me that since July of 2007 and I finally gave in this past weekend March 2008. So did he know that I would eventually give in or does he really miss me? I am so confused.

figure

I ask myself that question ALL the time. Do I really want to be with someone who smokes pot? Then I start listening to all the controversy about it.....it's not all that bad, used for medical practices.......etc......but can it destroy a person? Is it soo bad....some say it's not that bad but he acts like an addict and has all the signs. Do people have major problems from just smoing pot? I have never been around it except when I am with him. He hid it from me for months before i knew and now he admits to doing it and says it's not bad. I am so confused.

imallright

oh figure... believe me, it causes problems and it causes damage. I have been married to someone who has smoked for about 30 years... he is definitely not right. BUT, I have made the decision that I am going to be ok and can answer Anvilhead's question.... NO, I don't want to be with someone who smokes pot!

figure

No, I dont want to be with someone who smokes pot.....No, I dont want to be with someone who lies.....No, I dont want to be with someone who is like this. Why can't we choose who we love? Why can't we make ourselves love other people who are better for us? Why can't we choose who we fall for?

hello-kitty

A better question might be why do we choose to stay in unhealthy, toxic relationships?

Try reading some books on the subject - codependent nomore by melanie beatty, books on setting healthy boundaries in relationships, books on women who love to much....

There is a lot of help available and many answers out there...

First off though, I think we have to love ourselves and accept that we cannot change how others treat us or themselves.

figure

I have read most every book I can think of on the subject. I have them all....I have every single book that Melanie Beatty has ever written, I have Women who love to much.....I even have a book on Obssessive Love and the Love Addict thinking that might be MY problem. It's not. I have read these over and over and have applied them to areas in my life as I see fit. Like I said, I haven't seen him in 1 1/2 years and thought I would be stronger. I miss him already. I called him today to see how he was doing.....he didnt want to talk, he wanted to go back to sleep at 2 in the afternoon. Go figure.

splendra

Oh but, you can choose. What you haven't realized is that for you when you feel very drawn to someone it is about your unresolved issues. Which is what all those books that you have read is about.

The only way out is to have an honest look at yourself not him and honestly see what you are doing that is causing your misery. As long as you are willing to put up with his stuff you will continue to feel sorry for yourself.

I have been where you are for years and the light finally came on. I hope you do not wait years to make a change in favor of yourself instead of against yourself. When people like us meet someone like your BF we need to be very aware of our reactions because they will tell us we are dealing with an addict if we pay close attention.

figure

I have been depressed all day thinking about this. I can't concentrate on my school work. I do not know what unresolved issues I am dealing with....like I said I have been in counceling off and on for 4 years now. I know that I am codependent and have gotten a lot better with that over the years. My exb is addicted to exercise.....he always put the gym before me and we could never do anything during the week bc when he got off work he had to go to the gym always....we dated 8 1/2 years before I decided to break up with him bc of no commitment, no ring, no proposal.....just seemed content with everything like it was and I wanted more. Then 2 weeks after I broke up with my exb I met my A. I ended up marying my exb but things are not the same....sems like he just did it bc he knew that's what I wanted. I am miserable. I lost my sister and my full time job a year ago. I take care of my niece, age 2 now, full time. I lost my job bc I did not have my terminal degree. I was teaching college classes. That made me very happy.....I haven't been happy in a long time. I am living off of student loans and trying to finish school so I can get my dream job back. Could all of this be tied together?

Even if I think I may know some of the answers or dont know some of the answeres to your questions, Anvilhead, HOW do I "Fix" myself??? I have been soul searching for awhile. I have not felt inner peace within myself in overa year. so much has happened.

My A has not called me since he told me that he wanted to go back to sleep yesterday and I said ok, bye and hung up.....he prob wont call either.......guess he got his "fix" which was me.........

figure

Thank you Anvilhead. I am well aware of those types of Life Stress Tests as I used to teach a class called Personal Community Health and have my students take them as well. I took that one just now and have a 80% probability of having a stress related illness come on. I already feel like stress has taken a toll on my body....I cant workout like I used to...I am so tired all of the time, have had chest pains and panic attacks at times over the past year. I haven't had them in awhile now so that's good. Thank you again for responding to my posts and being there. I don't know what else I would do if I couldn't come here and read about other people and their A and problems to. I know that I am not alone but it is still hard.