girlstandingby

Hi everyone.
I've now spent hours on these forums and I appreciate everyone here.

My history: I've been with a man for 6 years, married for 2, no kids. I always had my suspicions, but I trusted him when he lied to my face about cocaine use (the entire time). I initially found out in November, and the problem persisited. I moved out on my own for the last 3+ weeks.

The last week or so he has started realizing what he did - how he hurt me and his friends by making them lie to me as well. He even typed up this amazing email apologizing and saying nice things about me. I have received flowers twice. We spoke in person - he's been clean for a month. He says he's never felt clearer headed in his life. He's doing martial arts, but refuses to seek professional help. He thinks he can do it on his own.

I know I'm not going back anytime soon, but my question remains. How do you know when they are done for real? Even if he is clean for 6 months and I take him back, how do you know if 5 years down the road life is tough and he could relapse? I'm scared to start a family with him now which is what I want in life.

Sorry for the newbie questions, I'm still trying to understand cocaine addiction because I've never done the substance.

-girlstandingby

SerenitySeaker

Girl,
Welcome to SR. I hope this board brings you strength and wisdom as you spend more and more time here.

Please read all the stickies at the top and consider going to Alanon meetings for yourself. What you will learn is that addiction is a disease and it's the only disease that tricks you into believing you don't have a disease. It can be arrested but never cured. No one even your husband/bf can say that he will never use again. Only if he is working a dedicated program of 12 step recovery does he have a solid chance. Even in abstinence with out a recovery network in place his disease will rage. I'm a perfect example, my AH hasn't used in 4 years but he and I are more miserable than ever.

Only you can decide what path you will choose. If you choose to take him back I recommend you gear up for a long hard road. Be grateful you don't have kids and consider doing one thing for yourself right now. RUN in the other direction.

Take if from someone who has been there and done that OVER and OVER.

girlstandingby

Thanks for the replies.
I hear you. We tried to get prego, but I'm sure that the cocaine had something to do with it not happening. I'm sure it decreases the s. count. It's a blessing really.

I know I did the right thing, I'm still young, 29. I love my new place and I have a great job. I'm working on me.

Any advice on how to help/convince someone to start a recovery program? He said he would if he actually did relapse. I don't think that's good enough. He's avoiding social situations and he works from home. Now he's stuck there all the time by himself.

Do you just say... Please go? Send him links and hope for the best?

BayAreaPhoenix

I was with my AH for 11-12 years, married for about 6 or 7 when last Sept. (after I said I wanted a divorce) I found out about his addiction to pain killers. It's confusing and it's difficult to deal with separation/divorce emotions, and on top of that educating yourself on a disease that while you know it exists, if it's not been part of your life before, it's confusing. Keep reading, as previously suggested, Alanon (or Naranon), and for me personally going to some open NA meetings was a real eye-opener. A friend who is a 20+ year recovering A suggested I go to see what an A in recovery "looks" like. It made a difference for me. Good luck to you and welcome!

hello-kitty

Unfortunately flowers & promises do not mean a person is serious about recovery. Trust your instincts (Especially the negative ones) and stick with your boundaries. If he is serious about recovery, he will be working a program of recovery and nothing you do will deter him from that. He will put recovery before everything, including your relationship. He'll stop making promises and start taking real action which will mean a program AA, NA, rehab. And even then he could relapse.

In the same way, nothing you say or do will convince him to get into recovery either. It's all up to him. You can give him links or not give him links. It won't make a difference. He's got a computer right? If he really wanted to get in recovery, while he's stuck at home all alone (which sounds like a cop out to me), he could find recovery links by himself. Just like you did.

I always used to tell my ex:

Don't talk about it. Be about it.

Unfortunately he never could.

girlstandingby

Things were easier when he was being mean. Get a load of this. He sent it to his friends. It hurts! I hope he never finds this forum and the names are substitued. I just had to share because i'm not sure what to think.

"All-

Over the past several years, I have been living a lie. This lie surrounded a certain substance. This is a lie that was fabricated to maintain my addiction and to keep this addiction from my wife. The most dishonorable and disrespectful thing I have ever done was ask each of you to keep this secret. This is the worst thing that I have ever done - it created uncomfortable situations countless times, showed incredible disrespect towards to each of you, and turned me into something that I despise. I apologize to you, my friends, from the deepest part of my soul for what I have done.

*My wife* has not deserved what I have done. My lies have turned her into an outsider in our own home during parties etc. She asked me numerous times to come clean to justify her suspicions, and each time, I lied right to her face. Because of her love for me, she accepted my explanations and trusted her husbands words. I betrayed this trust in the worst way. This is unforgivable.

When all is said and done, *my wife* has come out of this a stronger person. We no longer live together, but she has started a life of her own which will allow her to focus on herself and to heal the damage I have done to her. I have never been more proud of her than I am right now.

*my wife* is a strong, loving, and highly intelligent person. I hope from the bottom of my heart, that my actions have not decreased your respect for her in any way.

I am so very sorry,

AH"

Cupicake

You have all of the same questions I ask myself.

My ex husband and I were together 9 years before we got married. He had a drinking problem but I was ignorant to addiction and whenever I saw him, he was sober, so i thought, "how much of a problem could that be". I didn't know that his drinking problem was accompanied by a cocaine problem that turned into a crack problem soon after we got married. I rode his crack wave for 3 1/2 years before I divorced him.

He's a good guy when he's sober like most of our addicts but when he's active he throws my life into a tail spin. He's in active recovery now and has been sober for six months so I'd be lying if I didn't fess up and say that I do think about whether or not I want him to father my children. I'm going to be 34 this year and I wanted to have kids no later than 35 but now that I'm so close to 35 I think I'll extend it to 36 because I'm just learning how to live my life now without him.

He's an even better guy now that he's working on his character defects (slow progress)...rather he's a different guy from what he was like before...but I also know that I'm not going back anytime soon because there are still things that I'm not willing to accept in my life anymore...like a 0-60mph anger/rage (never violent except verbally...like that makes things any better...). This is one good thing...we do learn more about ourselves and what we want and don't want in our life.

So...
This is the thing...we don't know. There are no guarantees. Like it was said above...Relapse is a part of addiction. We don't know when, why or if it will happen but the reality is that it can and it might. I guess, like me, you have to wonder if you would be comfortable having children and a family unit with him knowing this. Knowing that at anytime your family can be torn apart by addiction. I'm not trying to paint an ugly picture but just giving the cold hard truth. Recovery is hard enough with a program in their life...but without a program...well, you get the point. Recovery and a program does not guarantee lifetime sobriety either.
Here's :beerchug: to hoping we both find our way and the answers that we need.

hello-kitty

girlstandingby, I am a extremely cynical about what addicts say because of my experience so I apologize if what I say upsets you. But based on my experience with a manipulative drug addict (and ALL addict are more manipulative than any non-addict could ever imagine), I wonder if your significant other wrote that email to try to make you feel bad and manipulate your feelings... which it did.

If he is truly sorry, then he will stop talking about how sorry he is and start taking action. Don't talk about it. Be about it.

Tell him your lips are moving but all I hear is blah blah blah.

rahsue

Hi girl, and welcome to SR.
I don't know anyone who has stayed sober doing it "themselves". this is my outlook on addiction ,well a brief outlook. Addiction needs to be kept under control therefore a routine and regimen needs to always be in check, trying to do this on your own with no program or outside help would be like dangling a carrot in front of a horse and expecting him not to eat it. When there is outside support there is a better chance of sobriety.

And you never know when someone is really done with it. There have been people who have been sober for years and relapse. Addiction is with them forever, whether it's active addiction is up to them.

good luck

girlstandingby

You are right. It did manipulate me and I don't even know who he sent that to. I know 3 people. wow.

I was doing/feeling pretty great, and now I'm starting to feel confused/depressed!!!

I think it's crazy how now we have to go through recovery for someone else's addictions. Stay strong everyone.

:-*

laurie6781

It will take a long time for you to trust him again.

His actions over time will show you if he is serious about recovery or if this is just another manipulation.

Find yourself some Alanon and/or Naranon meetings and go for YOU. I suggest Alanon as many times there are a lot more of those meetings readily available than Naranon.

Some day, down the line if you are meant to be together it will come to pass. For now, I would say STICK TO THE BOUNDARIES you have made. Do not go back at this time. Work on you and keep your distance.

His actions, NOT HIS WORDS, will show you if he is sincere or not.

There is always a chance of 'relapse.' However, I truly believe that someone who has become willing to go to any lengths, (rehab, or meetings, or counseling, etc) to find and keep recovery is less likely to relapse. I have been sober and clean almost 27 years now, and in Alanon almost 24years and have had no relapse yet, lol.

Please remember the 3 C's: (for your own sanity)

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we really do care!

Love and hugs,

Cupicake

You mean like this Hello Kitty? :chatter
Yes....I find that seeing action from our addict is more important than the words that come out of their mouth. They can be very cunning and manipulative but only because we are willing to listen. Sobriety and recovery is an action program.

Chrysalis

Hi Girl,
I heard this at my Al Anon meeting last night...
Addicts don't have relationships, they hold hostages. That email sounds like a hostage taking.
Addicts don't use for years without an underlying reason. The problem with the addict abstaining without a program is that all kinds of other undealt issues surface and those issues can be equally difficult to deal with and sometimes more difficult to deal with for both the addict and the partner. this is what is referred to as being "dry". My AH has been dry since May and it is physically/emotionally/mentally exhausting having to deal with the psycho-babble that I have had to endure. Having a program gives us not only coping tools but eventually give us some understanding.

Good luck

best

feel confused/depressed...

Your recovery from your possible addictions. That feeling confused/depressed for some can be an addiction in and of itself.
Your learning to trust again is another area of recovery for you.
As for when to trust him... words are but words. Actions over time will speak to you of what is real. Words spoken only tell of the moment if they are true.
Actions over time speak lasting truths.

As for him going or not going to meetings or seeking recovery of some sort...
We don't go because we relapse, we go so we won't relapse.

MzAddy

Addiction does something to the thought process. I told my AH that stopping wasn't enough. He needed AA/NA to become human again.

girlstandingby

Wow. You all are so full of wisdom. I appreciate every word and minute that you have shared today. I'll keep in touch and let yall know how it's going. I will manditorily suggest NA/AA for him, and look for a group here myself.

My heart goes out to all of you.
-Girl

girlstandingby

I agree. I myself have been to detox and attended AA/NA inpatient treatment for Klonopin addiction several years ago. I am going to start attending meetings again for sure.

I would click "thanks" on every message, but that's kinda cheezy! Thanks to everyone!!!

-Girlstandingby ... because only actions and time will tell. He needs a plan.