AS is comming home again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
AS is comming home again.
AS has been in Nashville for a while . Probably 6 months, first at a halfway and then with a friend from NA. He's been out of wrok for the last 6 weeks and Ive been providing his money. Well Im tired of it. Williamson County is the 9th richest county in the U.S. for petesake. If you can't be employed ther in 6 weeks you really don't want a job. So I said forget it, come home , live in your bedroom eat out of the pantry get a job to pay for your spending money and just live with me taking care of your little 20 year old a** the rest of your life. I think he's clean at the present time but he still has no ambition. He's 20 and can't even provide for himself. I had rather take care of him here than pay for another residence too, its cheaper this way. Sorry for the rant, it;s just been going around in circles for so long Im a little weary and frustrated. I also know I can stop the circus only when i get ready and evidently Im not ready yet. Thanks for listening ,Im sure there will be more drama to come, Ill keep you guys posted.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Lake, I'm sorry the drama started again...I know you know that it will continue until you are ready not to let it, so I hope that you can establish the boundaries you want when he comes home and he can get back on track.
I bailed my daughter out of debts far too many times...between jobs, when she ran short (but somehow she never ran short when it was time to go shopping or out having a good time) and any time I feared her credit was in jeopardy. I know now that what I did was prolong the time it took for her to find balance on her own two feet. She wants to do everything on her own now, thankfully, yet I still battle with myself sometimes and want to make it a little easier. Only reminding myself of the consequences of my past actions helps me to stop at the "thinking about" stage before I get into rescue mode.
BTW, love your avatar...is that your pup? Adorable.
I bailed my daughter out of debts far too many times...between jobs, when she ran short (but somehow she never ran short when it was time to go shopping or out having a good time) and any time I feared her credit was in jeopardy. I know now that what I did was prolong the time it took for her to find balance on her own two feet. She wants to do everything on her own now, thankfully, yet I still battle with myself sometimes and want to make it a little easier. Only reminding myself of the consequences of my past actions helps me to stop at the "thinking about" stage before I get into rescue mode.
BTW, love your avatar...is that your pup? Adorable.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Good luck with your decision to have your "baby/man" move home. That's what I lovingly call my AS, because he is a Peter Pan too.
Most of the moms here, including myself, report that having our addicted sons and daughters move home usually doesn't give us the results we hope for.
Maybe not having expectations or a stake in a specific outcome is the key for success.
I hope you do well with your son in the home.
I have had my 23 yr old son move home a few times since high school. This last time he lasted 6 mos. Ea. time I had hope that his addiction would not get the better of him.
Ea. time it has. I hope your son is in recovery mode, because only then will the outcome for him have a chance at success.
Most of the moms here, including myself, report that having our addicted sons and daughters move home usually doesn't give us the results we hope for.
Maybe not having expectations or a stake in a specific outcome is the key for success.
I hope you do well with your son in the home.
I have had my 23 yr old son move home a few times since high school. This last time he lasted 6 mos. Ea. time I had hope that his addiction would not get the better of him.
Ea. time it has. I hope your son is in recovery mode, because only then will the outcome for him have a chance at success.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Heck....why should he get a job, he's got it made with 3 hots n a cot at home.
Enabling an addict does nothing to encourage self-responsibility.Perhaps your anger is mis-directed?
Can always re-think your invitation to rescue him, you know!
Enabling an addict does nothing to encourage self-responsibility.Perhaps your anger is mis-directed?
Can always re-think your invitation to rescue him, you know!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Wise, WISE, WISE elderly woman in my Al Anon group said this:
"As long as you drive, they'll ride."
Amazing, just amazing the impact those 7 words have had on my life.
Think about it, Laketime.
When I was helping/bailing/fixing things for my AD, my sponsor said, "Why in the world would she want to straighten up and do what she's supposed to do. She's living an alcoholic's/addict's dream!"
Not good. I finally realized I was hurting her instead of helping her.
"As long as you drive, they'll ride."
Amazing, just amazing the impact those 7 words have had on my life.
Think about it, Laketime.
When I was helping/bailing/fixing things for my AD, my sponsor said, "Why in the world would she want to straighten up and do what she's supposed to do. She's living an alcoholic's/addict's dream!"
Not good. I finally realized I was hurting her instead of helping her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
Lock up or get rid of any alcohol. Buy a large lockbox. Store your jewelry and anything of value in it. Store any pharmaceuticals that can be abused in it. Store any extra keys to the car or to the house in it. Don't ever leave your purse or valuables lying around.
Make sure that his room and the bathrooms can't be locked. Replace the doorknobs with ones that can't be locked if necessary.
Check your credit cards regularly for any unauthorized charges.
Even this probably won't be enough with an addict in the house. They are very clever. Maybe this sounds like a lousy way to live, but if you allow your AS back home, this is what you will need to do.
Make sure that his room and the bathrooms can't be locked. Replace the doorknobs with ones that can't be locked if necessary.
Check your credit cards regularly for any unauthorized charges.
Even this probably won't be enough with an addict in the house. They are very clever. Maybe this sounds like a lousy way to live, but if you allow your AS back home, this is what you will need to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
hi laketime,
after reading what andy wrote I think the enormity of what you will be facing really hit me. I have felt as you have when, although my son did not live with me, I did things such as pay for the taxes on his family's house, buy groceries, diapers etc. when I thought he was sober and clean and I was looking through the rose colored glasses so to speak. I guess I just wanted things to have a chance to succeed and i wanted so badly to believe he could become a decent father and husband if only he was given a chance and there weren't too many things on his plate at once........not overwhelm him, you know?
I certainly don't know the answer. I know as a parent that you don't want your son out on the street and that's probably a fear we all have. But you deserve a chance to live too without fear that you will be stolen from in your own home.
If I had any advice for you at all I'd urge you to go see a counselor and come up with a plan to protect yourself and other family members in case this doesn't go well. I think your stress level will skyrocket just from the unknown and I think you yourself realize there is going to be further "drama" to report. It's a hard spot to be in and I don't wish this on any parent. My thoughts and prayers are with you and please never lose sight that you deserve to be able to live safely in your own home. If you feel that might not be possible then as Andy said put everything of value away. Better to be safe than sorry in an untested situation. thinking of you....dixied
after reading what andy wrote I think the enormity of what you will be facing really hit me. I have felt as you have when, although my son did not live with me, I did things such as pay for the taxes on his family's house, buy groceries, diapers etc. when I thought he was sober and clean and I was looking through the rose colored glasses so to speak. I guess I just wanted things to have a chance to succeed and i wanted so badly to believe he could become a decent father and husband if only he was given a chance and there weren't too many things on his plate at once........not overwhelm him, you know?
I certainly don't know the answer. I know as a parent that you don't want your son out on the street and that's probably a fear we all have. But you deserve a chance to live too without fear that you will be stolen from in your own home.
If I had any advice for you at all I'd urge you to go see a counselor and come up with a plan to protect yourself and other family members in case this doesn't go well. I think your stress level will skyrocket just from the unknown and I think you yourself realize there is going to be further "drama" to report. It's a hard spot to be in and I don't wish this on any parent. My thoughts and prayers are with you and please never lose sight that you deserve to be able to live safely in your own home. If you feel that might not be possible then as Andy said put everything of value away. Better to be safe than sorry in an untested situation. thinking of you....dixied
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
If you were poor and could not pay things for your son, how would he manage. He is not entitled to a life furnished by you. It took me a long time to get over feeling that I had to supply my daughter with the good life. My money is staying with me. Hope it works out for you but as they say, "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Hugs, Marle
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