sickatheart

My 19 year old Heroin addict daughter has been on the streets using with a/b for the last 10 days. I found out today she stole(yet again) her father's credit card # and has been using it to wire transfer money to herself.
Anyway, her addiction and addict behavior is way over the top. She has to be stopped before she ends up dead in the street.

If anyone else has had a similiar situation please let me know how you can handle pressing charges. If your addict is not living at home but, in the streets so to speak, she has no address.


My daughter has never really suffered the consequences of any of her actions including, lying repeatedly ,stealing our credit cards, selling all of my jewelry, I-pods and hocking a brand new macintosh laptop. She also totaled 2 cars (very lucky she didn't hurt anyone and suffered minimal injuries herself).


I have always tried to cure her fix her, it,whatever, and make it all go away in the hopes that this time she will do it and get back to living (lol)!

Nothing has worked in the last for years except I believe her addiction is getting worse and I am starting to realize I can't fix it anymore. She has to start being responsible for her own actions. I didn't want her to have a criminal record if that was at all possible, but things have escalated to the point where this is now going to be taken out of my hands.


If anyone has had any personal experiences with their addict son/daughter
and the law please post me back.

Thanks

sickatheart

sleepygoat

Ok, well here's what my husband and I did. We called the cops and reported the theft of $2500 worth of DVD's and CD's that my AD stole when we were away for a 5 day vacation at the shore. she was 17 at the time. It's better that yours is 19 - minors get cut way too much slack in NJ (I'm also from Jersey). The cops came and took the police report. They asked us if we knew where she was. We did (at that time; a month or two later we had no idea.) She was actually contacted by the cop on her cell phone and came into the station voluntarily - at the time she thought the whole thing was "funny". At any rate, she was charged with a "4th degree crime". The degree depends mostly on the monetary value. She was released to a friend (not a minor) who came and picked her up (she was no longer allowed back in our home until she got clean. still waiting on that!). She was mailed a court date. We were in touch with the prosecutor who told us she would most certainly get mandated to treatment (not jail). We were happy. Now, she never did make it to court for she had by then disappeared into the streets of Newark. I hope your AD isn't hanging out in Newark , because the cops from other places in NJ will NOT go into Newark to arrest people. Period. They fax the warrant to Newark and the Newark cops do.....absolutely nothing unless we are talking murder. That's my story, basically. My AD's charges are still pending. There's a warrant for "failure to appear" that has never been served.

If you know where your daughter is and its not that darn city, she will probably be arrested and since she is not a minor, she will probably be put in jail where she will detox the hard way. she will then see a judge and plead guilty or not guilty. Eventually she will be sentenced to rehab especially if you tell the prosecutor that's what you want. Good luck with this - I know some addicts personally who got clean this way, by just this set of consequences.

splendra

(((((sickatheart)))))

I know it must be very hurtful to know your daughter is out there doing what she is doing. I know it seems like you have to do something to make her see the error of her ways.

I want your daughter to stop her nonsense too and I don't even know her. But I am not that powerful over her or any of the 4 addicts in my own life. My siblings have my mom to keep their addictions in line, my H has me....there never has been anything me, my mom, or even you could do to make these people see that they are hurting themselves and others.


All of my siblings have been in jail and and it did not stop them from using. I know you are asking for parents to reply. I went ahead and replied to keep your post near the top. However, I know it is possible for jail to help one change their minds about using but, not in every case. It has been my experience that trying to force consequences on an addict/alcoholic can backfire so stand back and detach if you go that route.

SerenitySeaker

(((Hugs)))

I know how hard this is. I used to wish my husband would get arrested so that I could feel 5 minutes of relief, at least I would know where he was.

It never happened though, in fact he never really suffered any consequences for anything which is why now 4 years after getting clean he is still living the selfish hurtful life of an addict.

I doubt it will even phase him when myself, his son, our pets, and our home are gone.

i wish you Prayers and Positive Thoughts

Ann

I never pressed charges against my son, but if I had it to do again I most certainly would, not to control what the court did with the charges but to show clearly that I would not tolerate being stolen from by anyone.

Whatever you choose, I know it's not easy, so just know that we are walking with you and care.

Hugs

marle

I went to the police for a forged check (it was not my check, but one made out to me) that my daughter and her exabf cashed. The prosecutor called me and told me that there was nothing that they could do about it since it was drawn on the boyfriend's account. But I do think that it sent my daughter a message that I would not put up with stealing. I got the money back and my daughter has never tried to steal from me. Also the local prosecutor knows her now and says that if she ever comes up in front of him, he will make sure that she gets what she needs. Hugs, Marle

bookmiser

Sick,

I just responded on your other thread to welcome you.
I've been where you are with my son. He was 19 when I found out
he was shooting heroin. When he robbed our home, I had him arrested.
It was the hardest thing I had to live through. Including his birth. lol
I've been here at sr since October 2005 and I have to tell ya, it
saved my life.
My son spent 6 months in jail before he went in front of a judge to
be sentenced. In my heart, at the time, I felt that he had spent
enough time there. So I dropped the charges and brought him home
to live. It's been a long road, but he is no longer using that drug.
He went through a period of drinking alcohol for a while.
Now he is living with a woman he cares for. He sees a doctor regularly
for medication for bi-polar disorder. He recently stopped smoking pot
and is suffering with withdraw, but says he finished with the crap.
He just wants to feel normal, as he's never felt normal, because he's
used since about 12 yo.
I pray you do what you have to do for your daughter's sake. If she can't
and won't stop on her own, then you must stop her.
She may say she hates you. I know Jason did for about a day. lol
But once she's gotten that poison out of her system...
Your gonna get your daughter back. For as long as she wants.
We have no guarantees that they'll never use again, I know.
But at least we can say that we did what needed to be done to
allow our children to realize that with a crime, comes punishment.
Please continue to come here for support. Sr saved my sanity.
I think it'll help you, too.
Prayers,
Linda

caileesnana

When my AD stole my atm and left me with nothing on January 9, I went to the police dept where we live. I took a copy of the account print out with the fraud highlighted. The officer took a report, asked if I knew who did it. I explained I am 99.9% sure and gave the info they asked. Her address will be wherever her drivers license says--my AD was our home address.

I learned from the bank that my money wouldn't have been refunded w/o a police report #.

Call the credit cards, report it stolen...they will know exactly what to do. Then go to your police. It will make you sick I assure you, but you'll also know you are having nothing to do with helping Kris kill herself!

PM me if you want to talk,
susan

concernedsister

My mom decided she doesn't think it's necessary to press charges since she doesn't have an address right now (living on the streets), she feels the police won't do anything anyway. They aren't going to go searching the streets in another town looking to arrest her for money she took from her own parents. Even if they did arrest her, they'd let her out until she went to court and that would take quite some time. At least that's how they see it, I still think they should press charges. At least there may be a warrant out for her arrest. They can always drop the charges later if she enters rehab. Anyway, they did tell the credit card company it was their daughter so maybe they will pursue it? Who knows! BTW, my mom wrote this original post and I am her older daughter (not the addict).

aztchr

If that's her decision, there's nothing you can do, but continue to take care of yourself and your family. I haven't always agreed with my parents' decisions with regard to my addicted sister, but it's out of my hands. They have their own path and I have mine.

I hope for the best for you and your family, too.

BigSis

I have to remember that the point of not enabling is to allow my addict children to learn the consequences of THEIR actions.

If I call the cops on my kids and they go to jail, it is likely they will find out it was ME who called. It is then very easy for them to blame ME for the jail time.... all I've done is create a great big resentment, and an excellent rationalization for them to keep/increase using.


If I wait until it happens "naturally" (and it will -the disease is progressive), then they can only look to themselves for the cause... it is far more likely that WILL learn a lesson, instead of just wasting everyone's time.


Time takes time.


And my kids' paths and their character development are not on MY timeline, but on that of their Higher Power. I need to step out... step back... and sometimes, just pretend I can't see them... in order for the consequences to unfold naturally.


Now, if anyone steals from me, I call the cops. That IS natural. I just wouldn't be ratting out an addict just because I think I know stuff about them.

NoelleR

I'm sorry, perhaps I'm not reading this right.....perhaps an explanation is needed....?

"...And my kids' paths and their character development are not on MY timeline, but on that of their Higher Power..."

What I'm reading is that it's not a parents' duty to aid in their childrens' chosen paths and/or to aid in their character development....if this is what you meant.....WHAT???!!!! To me, that is a parent's main responsibility; to 'raise up a child.....'

.....and...."...If I call the cops on my kids and they go to jail, it is likely they will find out it was ME who called. It is then very easy for them to blame ME for the jail time.... all I've done is create a great big resentment, and an excellent rationalization for them to keep/increase using..."

Yes, they may very well blame you.....but an addict is always going to blame someone....taking responsibility for their actions just doesn't seem to be in an addict's make-up....and, Yes, they probly will use your turning them in as an EXCUSE to keep on using.....but believe me.....it's on them and not u.....

To me, as a parent, if I know my kids are breaking the law, and if I don't turn them in, or convince them to turn themselves in (fat chance with an addict), well, that would be like giving them permission to keep on doing what they're doing....and for me that would be wrong......plz note, I'm only saying that for ME it would be wrong.....everybody needs to do what is best for themselves.... (o:


NoelleR

splendra

I think if she were arrested because she has stolen something that it is not about trying to force consequences. If you try to have some one arrested because you want them to get clean that is another matter that may cause blow back...

I know all about the rocking back and forth I have done it myself too many times.

My sister stole my ID and did a lot of terrible stuff that I am having a very tough time resolving. She has ruined not only my credit but, my professional status. I wish I had had her arrested for it. She has not said one word of apology to me or even acted one bit remorseful or nothing.

I hope you can have a change of heart on this. She need to be held accountable on this. She could go on to commit even greater crimes...

NoelleR

"...I think if she were arrested because she has stolen something that it is not about trying to force consequences. If you try to have some one arrested because you want them to get clean that is another matter that may cause blow back..."

It's NOT(?) about trying to force consequences? sure it is.....at least in part....and although some may want to try it to get them clean, and we know that doesn't work, it may at least lessen the burden on the rest of the family; may help them to detach more.

....and...may cause blowback.....? sure it may, but to just sit and do nothing is giving permission for the behavior.....and then the folks have no room to complain.....but then.....we gotta do what we gotta do......for own own peace of mind.


NoelleR

marle

She stole from you, you report it and then you let go of the outcome. Maybe she will be arrested, maybe not, but you have set a boundary that she knows if she crosses again you will not put up with the addict sh*t. Plain and simple. Sometimes we make too much out of it. Right and wrong is pretty simple if we keep our feelings and expectations out of it. Hard to do but necessary when we are dealing with addiction. Hugs, Marle

cmc

I feel the same. When my son was using I did not try to get him arrested so he would find recovery. The peace of mind to be found in just knowing where he was, even if it was jail, was certainly tempting. There were plenty of opportunities for me to do so. If and when he crossed 'my' boundary I tried to react to his action & do what was appropriate for my peace of mind and sense of self respect.

I chose to not have him arrested the last time he stole from me...it was $20 and I asked him to move out. Had he crossed that boundary again- I would certainly press charges. At that time I just couldn't do it, especially over such a small amount. There were other factors to consider that were more important-extra stress being one. Btw, after that, he eventually got himself arrested and did find recovery after a year in jail.

It's been a very fine line at times how involved I would become in his life. My best recovery would have me use the 'hands off the addict' policy unless it directly affected me. The three C's help me so much: I did not cause it, can't cure it nor control it....but I can contribute. My 'contributions' to help didn't work and my 'contribution' to stay out of his business forced him to face ALL of it on his own.

SoberAndy

Any decent treatment program will teach her that she is responsible for her own actions. Her parents didn't put her in jail. She put herself there. She wronged them, not the other way around.

If you don't file charges for stealing $2,000, what message does that send? It says, "You can do whatever you want to us, and there will be no consequences." She may in fact respect you more for standing up to her. Coddling doesn't work. Addiction changes the brain. They don't think like you and me. The only question for the hardcore addict is, "If I use, can I get away with it?" If we had coddled my step-daughter, she'd be in our basement shooting heroin and stealing from us right now. Quite possibly she'd have OD'd again and died. We didn't and she's in rehab.

hope213

lots of advice ahead of me. prayers for you,your daughter & husband.