BBD

I have been reading here for months and I guess its time to jump on the bandwagon. I have a sneaky feeling I'm going to need some extra support in the months ahead. I have been going to concelling for a few months and also alanon meetings. I have made some headway but just can't seem to "let go". My son is an addict and his choice of drugs in Cocaine. Last July he went into rehab for 6 weeks and when he got out came to live with us for a while. He went to meetings daily, did all his readings and seemed to be doing great. In Oct. he moved out into his own apartment and kept in touch daily. We had a wonderful Xmas and he spent the night Xmas eve. He's a roofer, works his own business but is now taking sometime for himself. He doesn't call daily anymore and I'm not sure if he's staying clean or not. I do have a problem with the Alanon sayings~~~~~"Hands off the addict"~~~ I "HAVEN"T" called him daily but I want to. I know I have to take care of myself and stop worrying but its so hard. My husband (a teacher)) has been able to handle this so much better than I have....(co-dependant here)) told to me by my therapist. WE have helped our son out of sooooo many financial sprapes and this has to stop. I have told him he's on his own but I'm not quite sure he believes me due to my past in helping all the time. WE can't do this anymore and if he's back to using I have to stop the chain of helping or I know he'll never hit that real bottom. We live in a small town and meeting are scarce here. We had been driving in the summer and fall but haven't been to a meeting in a while. I know I need them but driving an hour at night alone being nervous anyways~~~just doesn't make me feel all that great. My hubby is so busy during the week he really doesn't need this. He doesn't have one codependant bone in his body. LOL So thats my story and I'd love to join you all......Smiles, Bonnie:codiepolice

Jwife22

Hi Bonnie. Welcome to SR.


So sorry to hear about your son but you've come to the right place. I am not the mother of an addict but the wife of one. There are many mothers and a few fathers here who are dealing with what you are.

I just wanted to welcome you to SR. (((((Bonnie)))) I do hope you decide to stick around.

BBD

I have so many questions and although I know the right answers its so hard. I sometimes think that if I was married to an addict I could just walk out the door but having a son that is one~~~~I just can't seperate myself from him. By reading here I have realized that maybe its not just that easy. I probably would try and help my hubby also. I'm just praying that all the addicts we know come to some realization before its to late. Thanks for answering me and I will stick around.....smiles, Bonnie

Spiritual Seeker

Hi Bonnie- it does sound like intellectually you know just what to do. It is the emotional catch up that take time.
Since mtgs. are not so easy to get to- In my opinion, if you ask someone from the mtg. to be your sponsor, you can work the steps w/ them over the phone and meet once in awhile. I did this. We call ea. other every Tues. to work a step. and check in with mini al-anon share. It has been oh so helpful.
I also found reading the Literature/al-anon books moved me along in the program.
Letting Go - seems difficult but once you begin to do this in all aspects of your life
it will give you a freedom that you will be in awe of...at least is does for me.
Keep posting and responding because you have a lot to offer in your journey.

BBD

Gi SpiritualSeeker, I love your name....I just found 2 meetings that are in my area. Next week I will attend one and see what happens. I do need a sponsor or I'll be posting on here and driving you guys nutty. I CAN NOT fail this time. I sometimes feel that Chris's addiction has been kept alive because I was so codependant. Darn~~at this age its hard to change but I'm trying my best. Thanks for caring and I'll see you soon..Smiles, Bonnie

bluejay6

i think it's okay if we cannot "feel" detached as long as we "behave" detached. any normal, loving parent worries when a child--including adult children--is in trouble and i think it is unrealistic to expect someone to do otherwise.
what addiction experts tell us, though, is that no matter how we feel, we must act in ways that are most helpful to our addict's recovering.
please keep seeking information, daily, hour by hour if needed, on the right action on your part. and the feelings...well, for me, contact with my higher power is how i manage those. Step 3: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. doing this, for me, on an ongoing basis is how i manage the feelings.
much love to you. you are a good mother, looking for good answers.

BBD

Hi Bluejay, I have cried so many tears that I'll all out of them. I pray, talk to and have gotten on my knees turning Chris (my son)) over to God. This has helped me and I'm trying my best now not to get in his way. I know I have in the past cause nothing I did changed anything........You people are wonderful on here and I sure hope with some effort I can be as smart as you all are. Enjoy your week-end. I'm off to shop and have dinner with a girlfriend. Thanks again, Bonnie

lostparent

Hello mother of an addicted daughter here, just wanted to say hi !

Cupicake

Hi BBD. As I've said to so many others...I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but you're in a very helpful understanding place.
I don't think we ever stop worrying no matter who our addict is but being able to accept the situation on the "it is what it is" standpoint was a big step I took in "keeping my hands off the addict". For a long time I battled with the acceptance and realization that my exah brought this into his life and in turn into my life as I'm sure you are going through the same thing with your son. I found it was important to make boundaries and even more importantly stick to the boundaries I created. After a while it becomes a way of life. Each time you say, "No" it becomes easier to say "No". Then you will come to see that he is fully capable of providing for himself what you won't give him freely anymore. Whether he does or not is his choice. We each need to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions...through that we learn. The more we take on the less reminders they are given to store in their memory banks as to why a life in addiction is not a way to live. Just like we need constant reminders of why we have to stand strong in our boundaries which not one of us is in short supply of when we live with or have lived with an addicted loved one. Just remember that when you say "No", you are saying it out of love and not to deprive.
Wishing you peace.

cece

Hi BBD welcome,
Every time I see a new parent here I cringe. There is no" Misery Loves Company" here. I never like it to see someone else dealing with this. BUT... like you, since I do have to deal with this, I have been blessed to find this site also.
I have a son 22 who is addicted to Marijuana, has no plans on quitting and in fact processes it for "Medicinal" patients. He did at one point in his life abuse other drugs and says marijuana kills all desire for anything else for him and keeps him balanced. As you can see I have spent many hours trying to " Talk Sense" into him. This is how I know so much about his life. That is about all it did for me, is give me more to worry about. I also went through the stages of denial, hiding, paying for his problems trying to fix it. It never helped him and made me worse. So like you I found Al-Anon and this site. I am glad you are finding meetings Nar-Anon is good also. Having 1 on 1 support is important. Keep coming back and sharing. There is no limit to the amount of posts you can make. So post and reply as much as needed. You seem to be on track. Like others before have said, Fake it till you make it. And I agree with BlueJay, you will never have total loss of worry. Not as a parent. But you can find peace with it.
Cathy

marle

Hi and welcome. Mom of an addict daughter,21. My daughter finally realized that I meant business when my NO's became a complete sentence and I practiced what I preached. It was not easy detaching and I had to take 7 months without contact so that I could feel safe in maintaining my boundaries, get over my anger and stop trying to force outcomes. My daughter is still using but I am a lot better at not giving advice, money or any other kind of help that will prevent her consequences. She knows that I love her and that mommy wants her clean but I do not harp on the subject or in any way try to clean up her messes. We talk now and I have seen her a couple of times for the holidays. I am fine with things today but it did take a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and a lot of practice and a lot of letting go. Hugs, Marle

mooselips

(((Bonnie)))
So glad you found us!
How funny is this, my husband is no Codependent either! Not a little itty bitty drop of codendency in him! It sure has caused some disagreements in our house in the past, but now as I reach farther and farther into MY recovery, it's getting better day, by day.

I still have my "off" days, after all, this program is progress, not perfection, but I feel better, and I can hand my sons over to their H.P. with faith that he will lead my 2 sons right where they need to be.


Glad you're here.

Hugs,

sleepygoat

Welcome! My daughter is the addict, 19 y/o, crack and heroin. I agree its a little different when its a child. I could never 'walk away' completely, so I take that suggestion as more metaphorical. I try to walk away emotionally and not let myself become totally obsessed with what she is doing or not doing. NarAnon meetings are very few and far between here too, with the closest being an hour away. I have come to depend on this website instead and its working for me. I swear, we must have the same husband. Or is it just that men have an easier time detaching in general and also are not as tied to their kids as the moms? (Please dads, don't attack me too much for that comment).
As far as not enabling, finacially and otherwise, well none of us is perfect at this stuff. It's all a learning process and sometimes I do better than others. Why, a couple of months ago I actually found myself handing my AD 10 dollars to buy a bag of heroin to 'tide her over'. (ooops!) But progress for me is that i realize right away when i make a mistake like that and hopefully won't make it again any time soon.

sjr

((((bbd))))
mother of a 16yr old addict~just wanted to show you support.
i hope you stick around. lot's of wise people here.

havehope

Sending my welcome also! A mom here of a ?recoverying 21 year old daughter. I have learned so much from the people on this forum. I am glad you found us. I learn something new to help me in MY recovery with every post. This site restored my sanity.

HUGS

rahsue

my addict is my 23yr old son.

glad you joined in.

devastated

I'm so glad you finally stopped in to join our family here. I am so happy that I found this forum when I did because,as I've said many times before, I was just a short putt from the edge before.

You said in your post that your son has been doing well and he spent Christmas with the family. Your concern is that he doesn't call every day which makes you crazy. I know, I know, but you have to just trust that he is doing the right thing and not drive yourself crazy just because he isn't calling. It is really hard to build up that trust again, but there isn't a thing we can do about it.

Look at it this way, if he falls down, he falls down. Nothing you can do or say in person or over the phone will change the outcome of what is meant to be. Think good thoughts, pray, and remember we are powerless over their actions.

Every time you pick up the phone to call him, say a prayer instead. Turn it over to your HP, and in time you will see things will get better.

I don't know what it is about men but they just don't suffer like we do. That's not fair is it??

Hugs, Devastated

Hangin' In

HI BBD,

Another mother of a recovering 25 yr old daughter here.

When I read what you wrote above, I can so identify. It took quite a while of going to meetings and reading here daily for me to finally come to the realization that I was "loving my daughter to death" by helping her. Does that make sense? The light finally came on and I realized I was hurting my daughter when I cushioned her falls and cleaned up her messes. I found it was time for me to give her the dignity to live her life and make her own decisions. When I was all into her life, trying to control it or help her, I was only making her self esteem problems worse. I wasn't giving her the opportunity to make a good decision so her self esteem could improve.

Once I realized all this, it was easier for me to back off and let her figure things out for herself. And yes, I was scared, but I knew I HAD to do it if I wanted things to get better for me and hopefully for her. And today, we both are better.

In the past I've spent way too much time worrying and obsessing about her. Today when I tend to go down that dead end road, I take her out of my head, put her in my heart and then give her to God. May sound stupid, but it works for me.

Hope to see you around some more. Use this place like a meeting if you can't get to one.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

greeteachday

Hi one more mom checking in. I do get to Naranon meetings but this site sure has saved me between meetings. I sorta feel like it gives me an edge, lol. I hope your gut feelings are off this time and your son is still working his program. But regardless, we're all here for you...keep working on you. Hugs

BBD

I can't tell you all how I appreciate all the posts I just read. What a super group of men and women. I will be around and hopefully you can all teach me to be as strong as you are......One thing my husband did tell me was that he wasn't going to let me love Chris into his grave. That really hit me hard but after thinking~~made alot of sense. I'll get all your names straight soon but right now I'm really worried about the mom who'se son is missing. That is so heart-breaking. Thanks so much again and I will stick around..your all super. Smiles, Bonnie