My Life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Pekin,Il
Posts: 2
My Life
I am new to this,so i hope i can find some help on here.My husband is a user of cocanine and meth.I feel lost.We have been married for almost 16 years and have 3 children.He has been battling this for almost 5 years.I have tried everything i feel posable to help him but it never helps,it just makes me feel i havent done enough.I love my husband very much but then i also feel he is pulling me down with him.I myself have never used so i dont know what he is going through.He admitts he is using but he doesnt feel its a problem.He doesnt work,all he does is run,and leaves me to tend to everything.I have tried walking away from him but something keeps pulling back to him.Please help me help my husband...where do i go from here.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Welcome to SR. Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. My ex-addict husband was the reason why I found SR. But he was not the reason why I stayed here. I came looking for help for him but instead found help for myself.
Please stay a while and read. You will find that we all walk a very similar path.
Read the "stickies" and gain information and knowledge.
My exah is a recovering crack/cocaine addict. He started his recovery not because I tried to help, not because I was there for him, not because I loved him so darn much, not because of anything I did on my part. He didn't stop for me when I was with him and not when I divorced him. He didn't stop for his parents who took him in after I kicked him out. He stopped when he was ready. Only when he was ready and not a minute sooner.
There will be many wise folks who helped me save my life coming along.
Please stay a while and read. You will find that we all walk a very similar path.
Read the "stickies" and gain information and knowledge.
My exah is a recovering crack/cocaine addict. He started his recovery not because I tried to help, not because I was there for him, not because I loved him so darn much, not because of anything I did on my part. He didn't stop for me when I was with him and not when I divorced him. He didn't stop for his parents who took him in after I kicked him out. He stopped when he was ready. Only when he was ready and not a minute sooner.
There will be many wise folks who helped me save my life coming along.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trayfish)))
Welcome to SR...this is a great place for support.
I am a recovering crack addict, and can tell you the best thing you can do, is take care of YOURSELF! He is not going to stop anything if he doesn't see it as a problem. As long as you are taking care of everything, he's got it made.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but the only reason I am a RECOVERING addict, is because I had to face the consequences of my using by myself, including being homeless and going to jail (and a lot worse). If someone had taken care of everything for me, I would still be smoking crack.
More will be along shortly....you may want to read other posts here...you'll find many, many others in similar situations.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR...this is a great place for support.
I am a recovering crack addict, and can tell you the best thing you can do, is take care of YOURSELF! He is not going to stop anything if he doesn't see it as a problem. As long as you are taking care of everything, he's got it made.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but the only reason I am a RECOVERING addict, is because I had to face the consequences of my using by myself, including being homeless and going to jail (and a lot worse). If someone had taken care of everything for me, I would still be smoking crack.
More will be along shortly....you may want to read other posts here...you'll find many, many others in similar situations.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Trayfish, It's my son thats the cocaine user in my life and believe me~~~I have tried everything. He has even done rehab and I'm thinking he's back to his old ways. I have stood by him for a long time and with the help of a therapist and alanon I am just now realizing that theres nothing in this blasted world I can do to get him to stop. That will be his choice now~~~without his dad and I standing next to him. It took a bit for all this new information to sink into my head but it's tough love at an older age. My heart and thoughts are with you. Please try to get some help by attending alanon or therapy. We is who we is (lol) and we need help to ~~to understand the severity of this disease. Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear trayfish,
you are receiving the very best advice from those ahead of me here.
all i would like to add is that, as one recovering addict wisely told me, you have to take "the long view". for myself, i have learned that it can take a long time, many many months or longer, for our situations to evolve into real change. addiction sinks its claws into a family, deep. it takes a long time to extract them and to heal.
protecting the children is paramount. they do not have the luxury of time or chance. every second counts if children are in danger. if your daughter is a practicing addict, the children are in danger, right now. get sound advice and take the necessary action. you may be all they have.
you are receiving the very best advice from those ahead of me here.
all i would like to add is that, as one recovering addict wisely told me, you have to take "the long view". for myself, i have learned that it can take a long time, many many months or longer, for our situations to evolve into real change. addiction sinks its claws into a family, deep. it takes a long time to extract them and to heal.
protecting the children is paramount. they do not have the luxury of time or chance. every second counts if children are in danger. if your daughter is a practicing addict, the children are in danger, right now. get sound advice and take the necessary action. you may be all they have.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Trayfish, Your husband does not feel like it is a problem because you are there to be his soft place to fall. I bet if he did not have you, that his addiction would quickly become his problem instead of yours. Addicts love their enablers because then they do not have to focus on the problem that belongs only to them. I agree with the others that you must make yourself the priority in your life. Your husband can't and won't take care of you and it is so easy to fall with the addict. Stick around and read and learn. We are always here to listen without judgement and always willing to share our experiences and hope with you. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Trayfish,
We can help YOU feel better...it's up to HIM, to help him.
When I first stumbled on to this website, I too, was looking for someone to give me advice on how to get my youngest son sober. Little did I know I was actually killing him with my codependency.
Stick around, read the stickies at the top of the page, and find some Alanon, or Naranon meetings for YOU.
And keep posting, we're all here for you.
Hugs,
We can help YOU feel better...it's up to HIM, to help him.
When I first stumbled on to this website, I too, was looking for someone to give me advice on how to get my youngest son sober. Little did I know I was actually killing him with my codependency.
Stick around, read the stickies at the top of the page, and find some Alanon, or Naranon meetings for YOU.
And keep posting, we're all here for you.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
i'm sorry, trayfish. i posted my reply to the wrong thread. i was writing to another post.
but i am truly sorry for your pain. do take care. i hear such anguish in your voice.
but i am truly sorry for your pain. do take care. i hear such anguish in your voice.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Trayfish,
I'm so sorry you are in this position, but there is a better way to live. There are many people on this board who have figured that out, so I hope you'll stick around. Look for people on this board who have something you want and listen to them and their wisdom. You can try some of their ideas or not...that's completely up to you.
And regarding your husband NOT working and you pulling the load....well, here's a very true statement. "As long you drive, they'll ride."
Right now your husband is living a user's dream...no responsibilties with someone to support him so he can continue in his drug use. Another saying comes to mind.... "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Doesn't sound like he's willing to make any changes, so it looks like the changes need to start with you, Trayfish. They don't have to be huge changes or big steps, but more like baby steps. Time to get the focus on to you and what you want for your life. And coming here and reading alot helped me do that for myself.
Prayers for you and big hugs, too.
Hangin' In
I'm so sorry you are in this position, but there is a better way to live. There are many people on this board who have figured that out, so I hope you'll stick around. Look for people on this board who have something you want and listen to them and their wisdom. You can try some of their ideas or not...that's completely up to you.
And regarding your husband NOT working and you pulling the load....well, here's a very true statement. "As long you drive, they'll ride."
Right now your husband is living a user's dream...no responsibilties with someone to support him so he can continue in his drug use. Another saying comes to mind.... "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Doesn't sound like he's willing to make any changes, so it looks like the changes need to start with you, Trayfish. They don't have to be huge changes or big steps, but more like baby steps. Time to get the focus on to you and what you want for your life. And coming here and reading alot helped me do that for myself.
Prayers for you and big hugs, too.
Hangin' In
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