i am Not a codependent.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington st.
Posts: 51
i am Not a codependent.....
:codiepolicewhere are the words for what i want to say?
where are the feelings for how i want to feel?
I am quite upset at the fact that i am a codie. I never even once thought i was. but you guys kept saying i was so i looked it up..
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
So i guess i am a codie. I never really thought there was anything wrong with me i thought it was all him. But dare i say... i was wrong. there are so many things i need to mend. First thing i have to do is find my needle and thread. It may take me a while. I might not be perfact still in the end. But maybe i will finallly find the peace in myself i have been searching for.
Thanks for showing me the light.
where are the feelings for how i want to feel?
I am quite upset at the fact that i am a codie. I never even once thought i was. but you guys kept saying i was so i looked it up..
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
So i guess i am a codie. I never really thought there was anything wrong with me i thought it was all him. But dare i say... i was wrong. there are so many things i need to mend. First thing i have to do is find my needle and thread. It may take me a while. I might not be perfact still in the end. But maybe i will finallly find the peace in myself i have been searching for.
Thanks for showing me the light.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I dont identify with any of it!
When I read that list, I can see how far I've come, and how far I have to go.
Thanks for sharing it, Hun
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((hundow)))
I actually KNEW I was a codie years ago, but even after reading all of Melody Beattie's books, I couldn't quite figure out what to do about it. Soooo, I kept being a codie and became an addict along the way.
It wasn't until I got into recovery from my addiction and I came here to SR, I started reading on this forum that I actually began my codie recovery! Believe it or not, it has helped my addiction recovery tremendously because I don't get so stressed about things I can't control (well, not as much).
Your post reminded me of a conversation I had with my stepsister about codies. She didn't think she was one. I was saying "well, I am because when this happens, I think this or do this" and gave several examples. She looked at me..was quiet for a minute, then said "oh....I guess I AM a codie".
Thanks for a great post. I still have a ways to go, but at least I'm making a little progress.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I actually KNEW I was a codie years ago, but even after reading all of Melody Beattie's books, I couldn't quite figure out what to do about it. Soooo, I kept being a codie and became an addict along the way.
It wasn't until I got into recovery from my addiction and I came here to SR, I started reading on this forum that I actually began my codie recovery! Believe it or not, it has helped my addiction recovery tremendously because I don't get so stressed about things I can't control (well, not as much).
Your post reminded me of a conversation I had with my stepsister about codies. She didn't think she was one. I was saying "well, I am because when this happens, I think this or do this" and gave several examples. She looked at me..was quiet for a minute, then said "oh....I guess I AM a codie".
Thanks for a great post. I still have a ways to go, but at least I'm making a little progress.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I think in general that most people are nice people... and out of human kindness ... they help others and will think of others before themselves. It's the ones that cross that line, of losing themselves too, that separate us from being codie and not being codie. To keep helping those that aren't helping themselves! I'm programmed to when I'm getting help and support, I want to do right by them... and show that I am helping myself and that I am worthy. But then ... it's a little messed up because lately I have been feeling so unworthy... this board has REALLY helped me look at myself and tell myself that I am worthy! And that by my helping myself, while it's good for the folks who are helping me to be proud, but most importantly to be making myself proud for all of my efforts! That is what I would teach my children.
I am so careful to not let my boys grow up as codies. I already see warning signs... for example my oldest will ask what others think as if their way is the right way, but I'll interrupt and ask him how he feels.... and he is surprised... like "ME?... how do I feel?" ... I say yes! As a child ~ early age ~ I fixed and actually successfully prevented bad things from happening... I intervened... with positive results. It's how I'm programmed. I have to think it's okay to think about me. That is one thing my guy teaches me... how to take value in myself...
Sorry, I got a bit rambly there...
I am so careful to not let my boys grow up as codies. I already see warning signs... for example my oldest will ask what others think as if their way is the right way, but I'll interrupt and ask him how he feels.... and he is surprised... like "ME?... how do I feel?" ... I say yes! As a child ~ early age ~ I fixed and actually successfully prevented bad things from happening... I intervened... with positive results. It's how I'm programmed. I have to think it's okay to think about me. That is one thing my guy teaches me... how to take value in myself...
Sorry, I got a bit rambly there...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hundow,
it took me years to get to the place where you've been able to climb to in a few short weeks.....admitting that maybe, just maybe, there was some work I should be doing on ME. What, me codie? Never!
Hugs to you, you're in good company here
it took me years to get to the place where you've been able to climb to in a few short weeks.....admitting that maybe, just maybe, there was some work I should be doing on ME. What, me codie? Never!
Hugs to you, you're in good company here
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
This list if very helpful to me. I knew I was becoming codependent...if not, why would I have gotten myself into the mess I was in????
This list helps me to pinpoint some of the thoughts and beliefs I've been carrying with me and pluck away at them, one at a time if needed.
In a recent class we were diving deeper into learning about our love languages (I'm sure you all have heard about them). Anyway, this one was focused on our kids so I took the inventory trying to remember what I felt when I was a teenager - completely different than as an adult. This has really bothered me, what was true, what wasn't, why was it so different from my adult version? I was aslo confused becasue you can generally tell what you love language is by what you naturally do for others. I love to give gifts, and words of affirmation, yet I hate receiving those now, but loved them when I was young.....
This list makes me think it is the codie in me that hates to recieve that which is good for me, and prompts me to give give give. ???????????????
This list helps me to pinpoint some of the thoughts and beliefs I've been carrying with me and pluck away at them, one at a time if needed.
In a recent class we were diving deeper into learning about our love languages (I'm sure you all have heard about them). Anyway, this one was focused on our kids so I took the inventory trying to remember what I felt when I was a teenager - completely different than as an adult. This has really bothered me, what was true, what wasn't, why was it so different from my adult version? I was aslo confused becasue you can generally tell what you love language is by what you naturally do for others. I love to give gifts, and words of affirmation, yet I hate receiving those now, but loved them when I was young.....
This list makes me think it is the codie in me that hates to recieve that which is good for me, and prompts me to give give give. ???????????????
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It was a great relief for me to discover I was a codependent...all this time I thought I was just plain crazy. 
:crazy
And when I accepted that I was codependent and came here, I found that I was in good company.
So today I am a proud Codie, wearing my recovery bunny slippers and keeping my skillet ever near.
It's so much more fun than being crazy, I think.
Hugs
:crazyAnd when I accepted that I was codependent and came here, I found that I was in good company.
So today I am a proud Codie, wearing my recovery bunny slippers and keeping my skillet ever near.
It's so much more fun than being crazy, I think.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I resented the heck out of the word "codependent" in the beginning. Nope. Not me. I was just a victim of horrible circumstances don't ya know !!
I resented it so much that I started a thread entitled "codependent-schmodependent"...I said it was a bunch of bunk.
It almost makes me gigle.
I'm impressed that you can see it and admit to it. That simple step alone took years for me !!
Hugs...
I resented it so much that I started a thread entitled "codependent-schmodependent"...I said it was a bunch of bunk.
It almost makes me gigle.
I'm impressed that you can see it and admit to it. That simple step alone took years for me !!
Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
Hmm, so How do we find ourselves, I wonder?
Oh, yes. I am finally working on this realization that MAYBE I have issues too, or else I wouldn't have been with my ex for as long as I was.
Thanks for all you, my new online friends.
Thanks for this thread!!!
It is worth rereading too!
I love it when you all are sarcastic and funny, I get a real kick out of it!!
Thanks for being funny and lighthearted about something that can be truly trying sometime!
Nice line, Abundance!
SG
Thanks for all you, my new online friends.
Thanks for this thread!!!
It is worth rereading too!
good stuff, Hun.....thanks for sharing it. Of course, I dont identify with any of it! and Nope not me either. And I don't have a problem with denial, either.
Thanks for being funny and lighthearted about something that can be truly trying sometime!
It's the ones that cross that line, of losing themselves too, that separate us from being codie and not being codie.
SG
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