VanessaLee13

I haven't posted in quite a long while. And it looks like my old posts got lost in the SR computer glitches. I won't go into my whole long story again (and anyways, all our stories are so similar! ). So to sum up: been with my boyfriend (Brian) for 4 years. Found out a year after we starting dating that he is an addict (heroin, cocaine and alcohol before we were together, since we have been together mostly just pills as far as I know). He got clean soon after I found out, and stayed clean for who knows how long (although the lies never really stopped). Started using again at some point, has just recently been a little more honest with me about it, and here we are today:

So he finally went to rehab/detox. He should be out on Christmas day. He says "this time" he really wants to get clean (oh, how many times have we all heard that before?). He found a new sponsor, has talked to his family about his addiction (which he hasn't done before).

Before he decided to go to rehab, I told him that I was done with our relationship. He finishes school in June (getting his LPN--saying now that he wants to be a rehab nurse), and I said that I was going to move back to my hometown as soon as he was done and has a job. And I am not currently in a position to be moving, would need these few months to get things straight as far as jobs, getting a house, etc.
Right now, while he is in school, I am paying the bills (we live together), with some help from his dad. Brian has no access to money unless he borrows my card and gives me a receipt (well, unless he finds some other to way beg, borrow or steal, of course).

Anyways, since I am going to be staying for the next few months, and to me things with him do seem a little different than every other time he has said "this time it is different! honest!", I think I may have one more second chance left in me, if he really can stay clean. I am just wondering a few things, if anyone has any answers.

1. Any idea how to go about rebuilding trust? Well, I mean on my part. Obviously he has to stop lying and prove he can be trusted. But is there anything I can do to protect my own recovery and sanity while learning to trust him again?

2. The only way I can see of knowing that he is clean is random drug tests. But to me, that just seems so against recovery and healing on my part. Sort of the equivalent of tearing apart the house looking for drugs. Anyone have any opinions on this?

3. Along those lines, I guess what hurts me more is his dishonesty as opposed to the relapsing. I can handle imperfection and mistakes; it's the being lied to that crushes me. Any suggestions on how to provide a non-threatening way (on my part) for him to tell me if he relapses? How to make our communication more open and honest?

4. How can I protect myself and my mental health if I decide to try to trust him again? I know if, in the end, it doesn't work, I can move back to my hometown and I have a caring family to go home to. But over these next few months, I would like to try to make things work while growing myself, not dragging myself down farther.

So, thanks so much for reading, and for any suggestions. I'm going home today (get to drag all three dogs with me on the trip since Brian won't be here to take care of them!) until Christmas, and will talk to my family about all this too, but would really like to hear what you all think!

Thank you! <3, Vanessa

splendra

(((((Vanessa)))))

sweetie the answers you are looking for seem to depend on him doing what is trustworthy. My question is how are you going to take care of you reguardless of what he does...

VanessaLee13

Splendra, I do understand that. But maybe I didn't express myself correctly. The thing is, I know I have no control over whether he is or is not being honest with me, or whether he is being trustworthy. That's the thing about honesty and trust---you have no idea if the person really has changed. I am just trying to figure out how I can heal and grow myself. Because of all the lies, I feel so untrusting. I can't change him and what he does, but I can change myself. Whether I am with him or anyone else in the future, I want to become a more trusting person.

VanessaLee13

I like that. Maybe that is what my problem is. Cause even though I tell myself that I know it isn't going to be different this time, I think deep down, I am always hoping (expecting) that it is going to be different. Thinking back now on a lot of stuff, it seems like that is where I get myself hurt or upset--expecting/hoping things are going to be a certain way, and finding out they aren't.

And I think I do agree with ypu on the drug testing. While on one hand, I think, hey, at least I would know he was clean....it just feels so wrong and an exhausting effort to try to make him or will him to be clean. And as practiced as he is at his lies, I have almost always found out. Somehow, either way, the truth always does come out in the end.

splendra

vanessa-

I think when you are in a place that you trust yourself it won't matter who is worthy of your trust. Cause you will trust yourself.

I think dealing with someone elses addiction puts behind the 8 ball when it comes to trusting we need to see addiction for what it is and know how it affects us so we can steer clear of it...

I work with someone who is an addict I don't know why he told me this but, at any rate I keep myself clear of him as much as I can cause I can see he might try to use me for any number of things and he already has tried to. I trust myself to not let myself get drug into his battles...

VanessaLee13

Thanks, that does make sense. If I can just trust myself, and know how his addiction and lies affect me, and make a conscious effort to avoid letting it affect me, I can be OK.

If I decide to stay with him, it needs to be because of everything he does do for me, and for the parts of him that make me happy. I can't stay with him, always wondering when he is going to use, when he is going to lie. If he does, he does, and there isn't anything I can do about that. I'll just have to deal with what comes when it comes, and make my future decisions from there.

Thanks, guys.

holdingouthope

I think that forgiveness plays into healing yourself and learning to love/trust again quite a bit as well.

bluebelle

Vanessa, I don't have any words of advice for you, but I know how you feel. I also feel like I want to quickly know the answer as to whether or not I can trust him. I want to know now whether or not he is going to stay clean. I guess everyone is saying that I should be at a point that it doesn't matter whether or not he uses again or lies to me again, because I'm taking care of myself, right?

Impurrfect

(((Vanessa))))

I'm a recovering addict, and can only share how I built up trust again with my family.

For some reason, I was never much of a liar (have been that way all my life), so didn't have to stop lying.

My biggest thing was I would disappear when I was using....sometimes for a few hours, when I relapsed I was gone for a week. I am living with my family and all it really took was a simple phone call letting them know I was going to be late from work, or where I was.

Also, I have a job and have been paying my bills responsibly...something I couldn't do if I was using (I'm a recovering crack addict and it's an expensive habit). I don't hang around anyone who uses any kind of drugs.

You've gotten some excellent advice above, and it sounds good that you are being careful with your money.

I was an RN when I initially started my descent into addiction. I'm not saying this to scare you, but if you want to pm me, please do. I am working on getting my license reinstated, but it's a long process with a lot of restrictions. I am also thinking that if I get my license back, I may want to work in a rehab/treatment facility.

Take care of you, do whatever it takes to be all right, no matter what he does. Recovery is possible, but, like a lot of others, I had to take a few detours to find my way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cmc

"But is there anything I can do to protect my own recovery and sanity while learning to trust him again?"
Clear boundaries that I can back up with consequences protect me and my space. The learning to trust depends on the other person's actions over time. For me some areas need more actions and/or time than others.

"Whether I am with him or anyone else in the future, I want to become a more trusting person."
I can't imagine wanting to be trusting of anyone who has not earned it. Trusting too easily or inappropriately is what got me into the position of being an enabler/codependent in the first place. That does not make me a cynic but just someone using common sense. I learned in Alanon, therapy and by coming here to value myself more highly and practice making healthy choices.

hundow08

((vanessa))
I know where you are coming from. Want to so badly go back to the point before the trust was lost. Not know how you can ever really, trully beleive them again.. this person who would look you straight in the eyes.. and lie. It is hard to let the resentment go. But that IMO is where you start. I know for me i want the trust back with my AH i dont know how to go about doing it but, maybe we start with our selves. First i have to forgive him. And them forgive myself. Remember noone is perfect, right? Anywho i guess i dont really have any great advice. But know that the road to our recovery isn't easy, and takes awhile to get to where we were before it all started in the first place.

Abundance

SO... being 2 weeks clean and hanging out with a guy that does oxy and the supplier (at the same time!) ..... is probably not building trust right? But then again, they are REALLY good friends... good convo.... good connection... good religious talks.... yada yada........ KEEP IT TO THE PHONE THEN MATE!

Abundance

I equate drugs with the same as having a lover on the side. This is like having an affair to me.... it's like me having a boy toy on the side! I don't know... I had trouble trusting him from the beginning... and our foundation was built on no trust... so it's what I'm used to! We are supposed to be starting a clean slate! And then it gets dirty... wipe it clean... and on it goes.

At least my ex husband got tired of being in the crazy cycle and knew I didn't have a chance on winning against the drugs. I flat out asked him.. it's me or the drugs (after the umpteenth time) of going around in circles with opiates that turned into meth habit. And he said, "Drugs"! I was gone for good right at that moment. No more dancing in circles... I danced away.

VanessaLee13

bluebelle: I know, it's so hard to get to that point that it doesn't matter what your addict does, and to worry about taking care of yourself. I think I am about there. Only cause I have been lied to so many times that I realize that there isn't much I can do about him lying. I know that I am better than that. I deserve better than someone who lies to me. I am willing to stick around for a little while longer to see if he can change, but only cause he does treat me well and do a lot for me as far as other things are concerned (which is probably what is so hard for me---addicts and liars are supposed to be complete assholes as far as everything is concerned, aren't they??). It's hard to believe that someone can have so little concern for your feelings that they can just lie right to your face.
How are you doing?

VanessaLee13

I am working on how to forgive. It definitely isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. I guess a lot of it is about coming to terms with the fact that what he does and the lies he tells are about his addiction and his problem---not about just wanting to hurt me.

Abundance

V -... that is exactly why I'm sticking it out... while he is false in character.... in so many other ways he is so good to me!

hundow08

abundance listening to you saying it is like having a lover on the side reminds me of that song "stay" by sugarland. have you heard it? sometimes that is how i equate that song to my life.. it makes me cry, but she is strong in the end and knows that the best thing to do is leave.

hundow08

i am with you girls.. under it all we know the good people that they are, so we hold out hope. but how long can i hold on to that?

Abundance

I haven't heard it..... i'll do some googling. SO... is it strong to leave? To leave the good? The so good that the bad is tolerable kind of good?

hundow08

i am not sure. right now i am confused like you probably.
I know where you are comming from b/c my AH is such a good man probably why i have stayed with him for so long. I guess it comes down to what you want and your happiness. You know happiness, that thing that makes us feel good. i mean does your A make you happy 5%, 50% or 90% of the time? that is how i try to figure it out right now... how happy i am right now i am at 20% and that is b/c i am getting tired of being side swiped.