Stellargirl

Hello Everyone,
I am new. I accidently posted in the Substance Abuse area, instead of the Family and Friends. So, more of my situation is there, if you want more background. But I will do my best to recap.

I recently broke up with XABF, he is an alcoholic and a coke addict. The coke addiction he hide from me the entire year we went out. I don't think he did it much when we first got together but the last 2 months, I think he has been using much more. I am presently just trying to keep busy and not think about him.

I know this isn't a place to talk about breakups necessarily, but I am not sure where else to go and the breakup was brought on because he is a addict. So I am hoping some of you may have some good advice, kind words, etc. for me. I don't have many friends in this town, I was friends with all his friends-which is another issue, and I really need to get these feelings out.

I feel quite duped to not have known he was using. He did party too much and his hangovers were nasty sometimes but I didn't put it together because I haven't been around people using hard drugs before.

The worst part is, I don't even want to be his friend anymore. I wonder what else he has lied about. I wonder if he cheated on me, though I don't think so. I wonder why I fell for this guy in the first place.

We technically broke up a month ago (I broke up with him, because I was unhappy due to his drinking and not working towards the goals he said he has and not making us a priority) , and we took one week apart, then we resumed a sexual relationship but I doubted we'd get back together. I think he held out some hope. We did that for a few weeks, then one evening after I had just spent the day with him and at the new place he moved in, only to discover his roommate deals coke, I asked him about it. I HAD NO IDEA UNTIL THEN his friends do coke AND I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE FOR MONTHS! Also, I am an intelligent girl and I thought I read people well. I had asked him before when he last used coke and he said, since I've been with you, only once on my birthday. Well, this time, the third time it has come up he admitted to using 1 or 2 times a month. He asked what I thought of that usage, I said I don't know, because I was shocked and really sad. Here was the man I thought I MIGHT spend the rest of my life with and I didn't know he was using coke at all.

So, next day. I tell him over the phone either he stops drinking and using drugs or we are truly over. He said I will. But only at my own pace, which means to me-not gonna happen. He said, well if you don't like it then you don't have to talk to me. I said okay, bye.

I know he feels guilty and shameful about his use. I know because when he admitted his use, he said PLease don't tell anyone, esp. my parents-they would disown me. I asked, And thats not enough of a reason to stop?

It was a heart-wrenching goodbye on Sunday, Monday was the phone call of It's really over. So, its been just week now and somedays are better than others. Yesterday was great I only thought of him a few times. But today not so good.

I have deleted him from myspace friends but I still visit his page once in awhile to see what he's up to. Samo, samo-partying and tell friends his gonna go visit them in other states but he never has money for a plane tix. I know I need to be stronger, need to stop checking his myspace and avoid driving by his house, but its easier said than done. Please help me have more willpower!

Also, I am struggling with the friend thing. I went out dancing sat. I figured he might be there, I planned to just ignore him. He was and ignoring him was fine. But his friends and I hung out and danced and I had a great time. ?!? Thing is I don't know who uses coke and who doesn't. His best friend, who's also his ex-girl from a long time ago, was super cool to me and we had a nice time-But I messed that all up-because I drove by his house on the way home-He just moved 3 blocks from me! and she had told me she was going home but her car was there! I texted her, So you're an addict too? BIG MISTAKE, I feel like such a tool for doing that! Esp. after she had been so nice to me-I am sure my ex didn't tell her why we split. Then I texted back. I'm REALLY sorry, nevermind. I called her next day to apologize, but she hasn't called me back. I guess the damage is done. I have decided I don't care too much about being friends with her if she does coke but I live in a small town and I don't want to burn any bridges, ya know?
There is really only one place to go dancing and I love to dance.
All I can hope is that she will forgive me and we can just be chill. Hopefully, she doesn't talk trash about me to all her friends and they shun me when I am out and about.

I feel like I not only lost my boyfriend but a community of friends. I realize now maybe they never were friends since they use coke, they likely don't love themselves and therefore our friendship was just based on being party buddies. Because of all this I have been more aware of my drinking and smoking pot. I have cut back on both. I don't smoke pot much anyway, but I do drink when I go out. When I went out sat. I only had a few and felt pretty proud about that. I still had a great time too.


I feel sad and mad and I still miss him, or more likely the physical affection. I will be reading co-dependent no more and the language of letting go very soon. I hope his feelings weren't TOO hurt that his friends and I were all dancing together on saturday, I guess that means I still care about him? darnit!

Well, not sure what to do about my current situation.
What do you all think?
Stellargirl.

p.s. I am 30. just fyi.

Abundance

Stella ... read the stickies up top... and read the stickies on the next forum below this one... it's about love obsession.

It's really about choice... your choice. There is nothing you can do that will save him... you can not make him the person that you think he can be or should be.

I understand that strong connection..... but is it enough? And is it really there if he is able to lie to you ... ?

Here is something that was written to me in one of my struggles.......

splendra

((((((stellargirl)))))

At 30 you have almost your whole life in front of you. You have said you are not from the place where you are living and that all your friends where you are now are connected to your xbf.

I asked you once on your other thread if you could consider moving. I guess you must have some kind of really good job or something where you are right now cause you seem to feel you have no other options but, to stay where you are and keep running with the people you met thru him.

I don't think you can get the kind of detachment you need to get over him if every where you go connects you to him. I know the kind of pain you are feeling. I know how easy it is to become too involved with an addict. I seriously doubt that he only used on his birthday when you were together.

I am afraid if you are not carefull you could end up being with him again.

By the way I use to drink and do meth amph. I have 2 brothers and a sister and a husband who are all into coke and drinking. I have gotten away from my family only to get hooked up with a man who is at least as bad as any one of my siblings. People who do drugs and drink to excess only care about getting buzzed they don't care that your and my hearts are breaking they just want to get high.

I am hoping that you will have some compassion for yourself and find a way to remove yourself from this group of people you don't need them. Worrying about if he was unhappy about you dancing with his friends sounds like you are playing games at least with yourself.

Maybe all of these people don't use coke but, geeze I wouldn't bet on it....

I could not have said it better myself...

Stellargirl

THANK YOU SO MUCH, for your replies. Your words are so helpful, I imagine we have all felt quite alone when it comes to times like these. So, I really appreciate your responses.

Yes, splendra. I just moved here. I don't want to move. But I will work harder on removing myself from that group of friends. By that I mean I won't dance with them when out. I haven't started any conversations with them when out, they do with me. Perhaps I can never go to this bar again? I dunno.

As far going dancing, I didn't go there to see him. That was something I asked myself as well. The honest answer was no. I wanted to go dancing, and thats the place to go and f**k him. I make my plans regardless of him. I didn't think about the fact that all his friends would be there, duh, I know. I didn't know if they would even be nice to me but they were. Not that it matters anymore.

Splendra-I think you are right, I will be very careful to not fall down this slippery slope and get back with him. I already told my mom everything and I couldn't live with the fact that my mom (whos also a friend) knows I am dating a coke addict. So, I hear what you're saying and I take note of it, and I will be careful.

Anvihead~ People drinking isn't a bother for me. I drink some too. But since the breakup I haven't been going out much at all. I have been making some new friends and hanging out with them sometimes. Plus spending time at home and soon I will make a short visit to see family and friends out of state which I think will be good.

I do find it amazing how we lose focus on ourselves and focus on them.
So, focus on me, detachment from all things that make me think of him. What else?

Oh, yes. It's a choice. I have to choose not to care, choose not "check up" on him, etc.

Abundance~Touche'. It wasn't that great of a connection if he could lie to me, but thats also what makes this hurt so bad.

Now, I am off to get the Melody Beattie books from the library.

This needs to be one of my many mantras:
HP, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.


SG.

splendra

(((((Stella)))))

I know you want to feel better. It is a process. Addiction tears the soul even of people that are on the sidelines. Nobody deserves the kind of pain that you are feeling.

The people here are giving you very good advice.

Many of the people here have broken off relationships hoping that it would make the addict feel bad enough to quit. Many of us have had to face the fact that there is nothing we can do to make them quit so that we do not get sucked back in to the chaos.

Addicts are emotionaly immature at best. They do not usually take responsibility for the pain they cause unless they get clean. I have found that addicts seem take on qualities of a sociopath in their responses to others. There might be a part of them that cares but, their addiction pushes the caring part of them out of the way. This is why you want to stay out of his way unless you feel a need to get hurt some more...

Keep the focus on yourself and be gentle with yourself too.

mooselips

(((Stellargirl)))
I just want to add that you sure sound like a smart gal, and know what you want in life. And that's a good thing, because you deserve all that and more.

It's also wonderful to have such a close relationship with your mom.



Hugs to you,