Abundance

You guys must think I'm crazy! Was just reading through my last thread, and I'm so crazy!! I am totally on this roller coaster and I'm bringing you on it ... and while I know this place is for support, (I'm so grateful), I just feel so crazy. I mean I have got to be nuts to want to work it out with a man who does drugs!!! What in the hell am I thinking? He doesn't understand or know how damaging it is... I truly believe if he really did know, he wouldn't choose to use.

He is 10 days clean... and he told me the truth 5 days ago. We live 2 hours apart from one another and it's been nearly 2 weeks since we have seen each other. He was going to come down this weekend, but I don't think that is happening now. He is having a really difficult time with detoxing. He is doing it alone... cold turkey. Doesn't want to use any help. (support groups, NA, therapy, sponsor)... I've been helping him.... by staying in contact and talking with him about things that are really deep and researching.. etc. But I'm think I'm hurting him, because I fly off the handle as soon as he is showing doubt. For example, today he is really bad off. Shivering cold, with tons of blankets around him, shoulders are in pain from staying in bed, (it's really cold where he lives), and he can't work because he used to use the pills for motivation and attention. Anyway, he started going on about not knowing why he is doing this and that it's totally stupid... it's not benefiting at all to him and that the only thing that would be good is if he is able to work.

Well, I completely flew off the handle. I told him off ... that he needs to do this for himself! It was like he was just totally and completely taking it out on me like I am the devil! I am NOT the devil... those pills are! I ended up hanging up on him... and then he sent me a text message.... telling me "gee thanks for being so supportive. go revel in cutting out your codie and leave me out to dry after all I've done for you. whatever"

And then I sent back one ... You are not ready and when you are I will be supportive. I'm not the one to blame.

And then I proceeded in the next 15 minutes to leave 3 different voice mails... my god... i'm psycho! The first one was about him doing this to himself and that he is the only one to bring him through... this has to be HIS choice. and the next one was basically the same thing, but i was a bit more angry ... telling him there is help out there, and that i have been on this roller coaster .. WE have been on this roller coaster.. and I can't be on it anymore... just totally going off... like... don't tell me i'm not being supportive - i have been so supportive, being in contact via im or phone or text for hours and hours a day. I feel that I have been very much so supportive. I then tell him that I am totally crazy... I must be to be involved with a drug user... and that I'm not going to be... and that he must do this for himself. I went on and on about the toxins and how he is feeling so bad because that sh!t is leaving his body... omg you guys... i was so crazy...

And then the 3rd one... I've calmed down a bit, and I'm showing a bit more compassion... how I really feel when it comes down to my hurt and my hope. Telling him that this is not easy, but the path of drugs is easy or at least what he thinks is easier, but in the long run, when you have lost all the good in your life, it's not worth it. I explained how we are on this roller coaster ... and that I'm hurting him way more than I am helping him.

You guys... I can't help him ... he has to do this himself. It's so hard because I love him so much... I'm not strong enough to take this on. I feel like for his sake I have to let him do this alone... and for my sake as well, because I literally am going in and out of sanity over this.

Any of you that can stay sane through this - I have so much admiration.

Thanks for reading this and being a support for me and this roller coaster... I hope by documenting all of this, I'll remember that by detaching... we are both better off in the end.

I feel so sick to my stomach, and this time it's not flu related.

Abundance

When I say "using" or "addiction" ... he has a hard time swallowing it. I can tell he doesn't think he is an addict, just the occasional user. I think that when he came clean he did it just to real me in... like okay I'll admit it, I'm just going to join this dog and pony and she'll stay with me. I don't know... his reality totally confuses me!

My guy's "ideal" situation, would be if I was cool with him being an occasional user and monitoring it ... basically enabling him to self medicate. I don't agree... I absolutely won't do it. He hasn't come right out and asked me to be that way, but at the same time we have danced around it in conversation.

You guys he is really not well... and every day he is getting more and more doubtful as to why he is doing this to himself... the detox. He has to have it the other way round to really beat this! He is wondering why he isn't using... if he was really ready, then he would b saying d@mn those drugs... why did I use them? I HATE this detox, NEVER again will I touch those damn things!

lostparent

Drugs do seem to have that effect on the users... an those who care about them..Good Luck

Abundance

I can't cope... and now I feel that I've done some real damage to him. He is probably out using right now... or hooking it up... omg... I feel really horrible... i don't know how to support him like he needs support.

it's like the blind leading the blind .....

kj21

I am not sure but... Maybe you should let him do this alone. He got to where he is by his own decisions and choices, let him help himself by making his own choices again. You need to take care of yourself. get yourself thining straight. whether you are there or not will not make a difference if he is really ready to stop. He'll find a way if he really wants to and if he doesn't then it was not his time to stop. I hate to be mean but he'll do whatever he wants in the long run anyway, why stress yourself out so much? Just my 2 cents from my experience...been trying to help my AH for 2 years now...I finally just stopped, asked him to leave and not involve me in his recovery anymore. I need to recover myself.

Impurrfect

((((abundance))))

Sorry you are going through this. I think, maybe, you need to start focusing on YOU instead of him.

I know you want to support him, but there's really nothing you can do. KJ's right...he's going to do what he's going to do. It's only natural that you are going to blow up at him when he's saying he doesn't want to do this detox...because you're still wrapped up in what HE does and how it affects you. He may only be venting....he may be telling you exactly how he feels.

The thing is, is this what YOU want? I hope you can step back a little and think about what is important to YOU.

I am an RA and left my ABF because he continues to use. He was locked up once and trying to get me to bail him out so he could "go to work" (he hasn't worked in over 15 years)...I told him "no" so he says "oh, well I'm just an addict....I've never done anything for you, have I?" I said "oh yeah, you did a few things for me...but you did a lot more things TO me"...stole, lied, hit me, etc. I also reminded him that I am an addict, too...I just don't expect anyone else to make me all better. That's something only I can do.

Sorry for the rollercoaster ride, but I really hope you find a way to get off. If he wants to recover, he will...with or without you. You can be okay...with or without him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

outonalimb

Abundance...

Big hugs to you. I know how insane all of this can make you. Been there...done that...

The addict in my life is my exhusband. I DID 'stand by him' and support him when he said he wanted to be clean. He had a nice, loving, supportive wife, two beautiful kids, a nice home, a boss willing to bend over backward and help him in any way he could, family, rehab programs, ...he had everything and he still didn't get clean.

And then I left him and he lost his wife, his children, his home, his job and his family support. He lost everything and it was then and only then that he got serious about recovery.

Was I scared when I left him? Heck yes. I was afraid that he needed me...I was afraid that my son would lose his father. I was afraid that he would spiral into some deep,dark pit because once he lost everything (which was sure to happen once I left and stopped trying to pick up the pieces and hold everything together) there would be no reason for him to want to get clean. Or so I thought.

I was wrong.

An addict will use every trick in the book to keep you roped into the insanity with them. The biggest tool is guilt. They will say things like 'gee...thanks for being so supportive..." and try to put the situation in your lap. Its what they do. They are master manipulators.

Addiction isn't like any other type of problem in life. With most problems, someone can reach out and help you and make things better. Its not like this with addiction. Not in my experience anyway. This is the type of problem that HAS to be fixed by the addict...from within... There is nothing you can do or say that will make him get clean or make him use. You aren't that powerful.

Try to keep the focus on you. What areas of your life have you let go or ignored because of his addiction? Turn your attention to those things and let him do whatever it is he will do. Its out of your hands...you're spinning your wheels with all this anxiety and worry.

Glad you found SR for support. This place is such a blessing.
Stick around and lean on us for a while and vent all you want.

Hugs...

Ann

Abundance, as hard as it is to accept, you are not the one who can save him.

This is a classic favourite here, by Melody Beattie, the author of Language of Letting Go which I post here each morning...




INTO ORBIT

It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
--Codependent No More

I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change...She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love... . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that... Nobody's ever really given him a chance... Nobody's ever really believed in him before...

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be fore someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us.

It will be self-defeating.

We may be "the one" all right .. the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him.... Nobody has seen what I see in her.... It's a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from out path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough.... Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do.... It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

lightseeker

There is a lot that I don't know but I do know that you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. It was such a struggle to not allow myself to be used as someone's higher power.....meaning to help guide them, research, assist as they became clean. My ego loves feeling like I can really be the one to be there and help to make it all happen. That turns out to be a lie that I tell myself. I learned the saying "hands off the addict" and realize it is truly a saying that can help to save my life. The more that I was "there" for my RAH the lower he went. The only way to receive recovery is to do it yourself. There really isn't an easier softer way.

I got (and still get) hooked into the drama so very easily. Each time - it always comes back to bite me on the rear. Hands off the addict is one of the wisest sayings that I have heard while in recovery. Easier said than done but when I focus on my own recovery I have a chance of staying sane and emotionally sober. I think about all the times that I have gotten caught up in my RAH's dramas and chaos. It always makes me emotionally drunk. My serenity just can't take the drama/chaos anymore so I am working more and more to detach in love/compassion. For him but mainly for myself.

Addicts do want they want - when it's their time to quit it's their time. Nothing you can help them do is going to get them there any faster. Quite the opposite, actually. The less that I did and the firmer my boundaries the more he sought sobriety. I knew that by choosing myself and my serenity (not being involved with an active addict) that I might lose my connection with him. When I am in my right mind I realize that being involved with an active addict is not good for me. I've seen many an addict end up resenting those that "helped" them the most. Cutting someone lose can mean short term pain for long term gain. Hopefully, for both of you - but most importantly - for you.

My addict told me lots of songs and danced lots of dances under the guise of telling me the truth. It turns out that he was playing me a long. I finally made the decision to face the truth about it all and walk away. That was 2 1/2 years ago and he finally got clean. It wasn't me though - it was just his time. Our relationship has survived but it has taken a major toll on my health and happiness.

This isn't an easy road. I've heard you say that you have not been as present to your children. I did the very same thing and I really regret a lot of my decisions and actions. I have learned from them though and that is the most important thing. My RAH has taught me everything I know about boundaries. I realize that before him I didn't have any.

Thinking about you - hope that things smooth out soon and you can have some peace and happiness over the holidays.

Love, Donna

Abundance

Lost Parent, KJ21, Amy, HappySoul, Outonalimb, Ann and Donna.... thank you so much!

I started reading all of your responses and started crying. I'm going to subscribe to this thread, this is all such good support.

I am so grateful for this community.

Donna .... in response to:
I've heard you say that you have not been as present to your children. I did the very same thing and I really regret a lot of my decisions and actions. I have learned from them though and that is the most important thing. My RAH has taught me everything I know about boundaries. I realize that before him I didn't have any.

I know... wow.. you guys do pay attention! YES... my boys... they are my joy and my happiness... MY SANITY! And I have not been present for them... the reason why they are so lovely is because I was so "ON" with them up to a few years ago! YES... focus on me... the family! The children go with their father this weekend, and I have just have "ME" to contend with... that sounds so flipping scary!

It's amazing how in the end it is all one big learning experience... even though there is bad, there is still a ton of growth and teachings. Boundaries 101 would be a good class!

Thanks you guys.... SO MUCH.... I'm just in awe of the support here.... but I do still feel a little bit crazy. a lot crazy. Coming here to vent does help SO MUCH.

On a good note... here is a text message convo between my 7 year old and his dad today: (both my boys were home sick today from school, my youngest threw up breakfast, and my 9 year old was up at 3am doing the same .. )


Son: Hi I'm sick daddy. I hope you are not tho dad. Love you.
Dad: OH NO! I'm sorry you are sick son! You need anything?
Son: Maybe, I don't know. Why do you ask daddy?
Dad: Just cause I love you and I want to take care of you. You are my little man and always want you to be happy.
Son: thank you for saying that daddy.

I think it's so cute that my baby knows how to TM...he calls it writing out your thoughts. but just what he said there at the end... my gosh... he is my little man too!

Thanks again you guys... Ann... my screen name should be "into orbit" !!! lol

or at the very least the title of this thread!

rahsue

my addict is my 22yr old son. Before I came to this website I was the same as you. Lost in confusion of why he used, why he can't stop, and why can't I make him or help him stop. Then I thought I knew what I had to do, just give my opinion more softly and with understanding,that would work, he would see that I just want to help him and he'll listen and do what he needs to do (what I thought he needed to do). His addiction was all about me and how "I" was going to fix it regardless of what he wanted because he just had to want the same thing as I did.

I am not "healed" but I am learning as I go. Of course with the help of all of these wise people. I am attempting to keep my mouth shut other than saying I love you and keep up the good work kinds of words. Every now and then I get the urge to do more, I am trying to turn my attention elsewhere when this urge comes on, I have even resorted to leaving the room or the house just to keep my opinion to myself. We have a life to lead too, and we are responsible for 1 body, mind and soul and thats ours not theirs.

good luck and prayers to you

rahsue

lol....I think I'lll come back and read my own words when I get all sad and depressed....lol

Abundance

LOL... sometimes we KNOW our own answers... it's just like pulling teeth to acknowledge what we already know!

:X... still tongue keeps a wise head... that's what my nana used to say.

lightseeker

it is immensely helpful to know that there is somewhere to come and that I am among peers. It's always like an "instant meeting". I first joined SR in May '05 and the journey has been much different than I would ever have expected. I, too, have young boys and it's helped me a lot to refocus on them and my responsibilities to them. Even tho RAH is sober now his drug addicty thinking is still in full bloom....I got way sidetracked by him last night and really missed out having quality time w/my boys. I guess that it's all about balance. You can't help who you love but you can help what you do. I stuck w/my addict and he did end up getting sober after using crack for 20 years. That was just the beginning though of a long and tough road. However, I get it that he is my visiting professor in the Boundaries 101 class that you spoke of!

Keep coming back! I hope that your weekend has gone well.

Thinking about yoU! Donna