He wants to come "stay" with us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He wants to come "stay" with us!
OH MAN! I just don't know what to do. My son's father is addicted to crack. He got out of prison in July and I let him stay with us. He had a job and was trying to be a decent father. One night he left for pizza and he never came back. He started smoking crack again. Living with hookers. Hanging out in crack hotels. I've heard from him twice since then. He left a really depressing message on Thursday telling me how things had gotten really bad. He's homeless. He said he didn't even have words to describe how terrible things are. He was crying.
Today, He called again and this time I answered the phone. He wants to come "stay" with me and my son again!
Hell no is my initial reaction. My house is not a crash pad for drug addicts. I don't care if they are serious about recovery or not. I don't want my son to see his father like that. I work hard to support our son with little to no help from his father. I don't want to have to support his father too! Been there and done that.
But then I feel very guilty. He IS my sons father. It IS the holidays. What kind of a selfish person am I not to let him stay with us?!
I don't know how to handle this when he calls again.
Should I just turn off my phone?!
Today, He called again and this time I answered the phone. He wants to come "stay" with me and my son again!
Hell no is my initial reaction. My house is not a crash pad for drug addicts. I don't care if they are serious about recovery or not. I don't want my son to see his father like that. I work hard to support our son with little to no help from his father. I don't want to have to support his father too! Been there and done that.
But then I feel very guilty. He IS my sons father. It IS the holidays. What kind of a selfish person am I not to let him stay with us?!
I don't know how to handle this when he calls again.
Should I just turn off my phone?!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi, i can understand your guilt feelings, but you and your son do not need the drama of living with an active addict.
You could tell him that and suggest that he put himself in in-patient treatment. The salvation Army has free treatment.
Good luck, I'm sorry your going through this.
You could tell him that and suggest that he put himself in in-patient treatment. The salvation Army has free treatment.
Good luck, I'm sorry your going through this.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Raerae, he can go to rehab and his son can visit him there (if that's what you want).
I've been on a soapbox lately about the fact that "WE" are not their only option. We might be their only option to have a soft place to fall and still use drugs, but that's not what most of us have in mind when we take them in. Shelters have counselors and hot meals and clean beds, rehabs, detoxes are all better choices than "US".
Don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong.
Hugs
I've been on a soapbox lately about the fact that "WE" are not their only option. We might be their only option to have a soft place to fall and still use drugs, but that's not what most of us have in mind when we take them in. Shelters have counselors and hot meals and clean beds, rehabs, detoxes are all better choices than "US".
Don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I agree with all of the above. Being homeless and not having a pot to p*ss in goes along with addiction and it is NOT our responsibility to clean them up, feed them and give them a soft pillow to put under their heads. My daughter is my addict and she knows that as long as she wants to use, she does not have the option of coming home. Rehab and half way houses are her options if and when she wants to get clean. Maybe living on the streets will make him willing to embrace the help he needs to get clean. And there are professionals that are there to help him when he is ready. You just take care of you and your son and kick that old codie guilt right out the door. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
hello-kitty,
I believe your first response of Hell no was the right one, IMO.
Think of it this way, you are not helping him by letting him stay with you. He needs to be accountable for his own actions, and if that means being homeless, then so be it.
If we keep enabling them, it turns into a vicious circle. This way, by finding his own place to stay, other than with you, you're giving him the ability to have some sense of dignity and respect.
Just because he is the father of your child, doesn't make YOU responsible for him.
Ans who the heck wants that possiblity of him using again around the child?
Hugs to you, sweetie,
I believe your first response of Hell no was the right one, IMO.
Think of it this way, you are not helping him by letting him stay with you. He needs to be accountable for his own actions, and if that means being homeless, then so be it.
If we keep enabling them, it turns into a vicious circle. This way, by finding his own place to stay, other than with you, you're giving him the ability to have some sense of dignity and respect.
Just because he is the father of your child, doesn't make YOU responsible for him.
Ans who the heck wants that possiblity of him using again around the child?
Hugs to you, sweetie,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hello-kitty,
Lots of good advice ahead of me. And I too pray that you will trust your first instinct of "hell NO."
If you want to help him and cannot sleep until you do, give him the numbers of some shelters, help agencies, and rehab centers. He must take this next step himself.
Inviting him into your life right now will do NOTHING for him in the long term, and can very possibly be the first step on a long slope back into hell for you and your son. Ask anyone here who has not been able to get an addict OUT of their house how easy it's been. Ask anyone who grew up with addict parents (that would be, 'me') what your son will be facing, and how long the damage lasts.
Just because he fathered your boy does not make you responsible for him as a human being. Who put him on the streets? You? What about the other ten million homeless people in the U.S.? They deserve love too, and many of them didn't get there because they're crack addicts. How big is your house?
Protect yourself. Protect your son.
Your son's father is doing what addicts do....looking for a way to maintain his addiction, no matter who it hurts.
GL
Lots of good advice ahead of me. And I too pray that you will trust your first instinct of "hell NO."
If you want to help him and cannot sleep until you do, give him the numbers of some shelters, help agencies, and rehab centers. He must take this next step himself.
Inviting him into your life right now will do NOTHING for him in the long term, and can very possibly be the first step on a long slope back into hell for you and your son. Ask anyone here who has not been able to get an addict OUT of their house how easy it's been. Ask anyone who grew up with addict parents (that would be, 'me') what your son will be facing, and how long the damage lasts.
Just because he fathered your boy does not make you responsible for him as a human being. Who put him on the streets? You? What about the other ten million homeless people in the U.S.? They deserve love too, and many of them didn't get there because they're crack addicts. How big is your house?
Protect yourself. Protect your son.
Your son's father is doing what addicts do....looking for a way to maintain his addiction, no matter who it hurts.
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
And, P.S., I wouldn't take his calls. The more he holds out hope that you will be his salvation, the longer it will take for him to find recovery steps that don't involve you. You're the "target" right now (feel it painted on you?) and the only way to get out of that role is to stop being his buddy and taking his calls. Just my two cents.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Think of it this way, you are not helping him by letting him stay with you. He needs to be accountable for his own actions, and if that means being homeless, then so be it.
If we keep enabling them, it turns into a vicious circle. This way, by finding his own place to stay, other than with you, you're giving him the ability to have some sense of dignity and respect.
If we keep enabling them, it turns into a vicious circle. This way, by finding his own place to stay, other than with you, you're giving him the ability to have some sense of dignity and respect.
Your actions by not letting him back are not selfish....There is a difference between selfish and self-care. You are taking care of yourself and your son. Your son's father has choices to take care of himself too. By giving him a soft landing, you may be extending his active addiction. So glad you came here instead of opening the door.
As far as his calls, I tend to think not answering is best for all of you as GiveLove said, but you have to do what works for you. Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Pa
Posts: 10
I agree with your first instinct..I am currently looking for a place to live so I can leave my addict and his lies. I want to live in a peacefull home with my kids, and you have that now. I know what you mean about the guilt but keep doing what you're doing so you have less regrets later. He is not your responsibility. God Bless.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
I like your first thought of Hell No! It's honest and right on target as to how you feel and what you know is not workable for you.
It's okay to keep telling yourself hell No. Codie guilt is unearned...so please just let the guilt go and replace the feeling with I am not responsible for his life and choices.
You truly are not!
You're a good person, trying your best to keep your own sanity. You and son deserve peace. That is not selfish...it's what is best for you.
I wish you well.
It's okay to keep telling yourself hell No. Codie guilt is unearned...so please just let the guilt go and replace the feeling with I am not responsible for his life and choices.
You truly are not!
You're a good person, trying your best to keep your own sanity. You and son deserve peace. That is not selfish...it's what is best for you.
I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are not responsiable for your ex. there is good advise ahead of me. the best gift he can recieve during the holiday season is a from to himself & to himself & his son. a gift of recovery. he can get into an impatient recovery house.letting him come there is no help for him.prayers, hope
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Go with your first reaction!
As a recovering crack addict, I WAS on the streets for a long time. It was my choice, because all I wanted to do was get high. I remember walking the streets in an ice storm....there was always a dope house to get warmed up in.
The sad part was, I was okay with it. It wasn't until I got locked up, was forced to be clean, that I decided that was not the life for me anymore.
If he is homeless, it is his choice - I can promise you that. There is plenty of help for anyone who really wants it and like Ann says, YOU are not his only choice.
You and your son deserve to have a life that is not in constant turmoil because of an addict. Please say "hell no" and keep putting yourself and your child first because neither of you deserves to be dragged down any further into to the pit of addiction.
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
As a recovering crack addict, I WAS on the streets for a long time. It was my choice, because all I wanted to do was get high. I remember walking the streets in an ice storm....there was always a dope house to get warmed up in.
The sad part was, I was okay with it. It wasn't until I got locked up, was forced to be clean, that I decided that was not the life for me anymore.
If he is homeless, it is his choice - I can promise you that. There is plenty of help for anyone who really wants it and like Ann says, YOU are not his only choice.
You and your son deserve to have a life that is not in constant turmoil because of an addict. Please say "hell no" and keep putting yourself and your child first because neither of you deserves to be dragged down any further into to the pit of addiction.
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
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