Lend me your ears (I mean heart)
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Lend me your ears (I mean heart)
As I was reading some of the threads this morning I was taken back in my mind to the days when my addiction was active. You know, when I do go back in thought I am literally reintroduced to the trapped, suffocating feelings I felt when I was living that way. I was so emotionally handicapped, crippled, and paralyzed, stuck. In the beginning I "just tried" marijuana and alcohol (liked it tried them some more) and drinking and smoking pot "partying" (ha, addiction "the party that never ends.") I then went onto "experimenting" and introduced myself to different kinds of drugs. I would evaluated them by how they made me feel and the ultimate conclusion was if I liked the feeling they gave me they would be added to what I called "A keeper list." I then began to use drugs to get high. The more I got high the lower I went. Everybody around me could see me going down, but me. Kind of ironic, but even my drug addicted friends would tell me that I was getting to far out there and they became afraid for my life. My connection would cut me off from time to time because he said I needed a break, but I'd simply score from someone else. There isn't no stopping a drug addict who is in quest to feed their addiction. We are driven people on a mission to silence the internal screaming of a hungry beast whose lust is insatiable. We are riding the train of addiction and where it stops nobody knows.
Some of us end up in jail or in meetings, rehab, flop houses, shelters, homeless and some .. the grave.
Family and friends are baffled at what we become .. they do not understand how or why.
They cannot comprehend why someone would choose that kind of life and live like that.
With the best of intentions and in the name of love they reach out and try to help the addict.
Money is given, bills are paid, clothes and food are bought and supplied, transportation is provided etc, etc, etc.
Little do they realize this only enables the addict, provides comfort and delays the inevitable.
It doesn't fix or stop or change the source of the problem "addiction".
Until the addiction is dealt with there will be an infinite need on the behalf of the addict for you to "help" or fix something for them. If you are always willing then you've fallen prey to keeping the addiction alive and well fed.
Note: Addicts are opportunists and like a dog can sense fear so can the addict. Fear is something that the addict can see in your eyes, hear in your voice when he makes up a story and tells you that he needs two hundred bucks to pay the court on Tuesday or else he will end up in jail or possibly prison .. You don't want him to go to jail so to save him from that fate you hand him the money .. and wa-la, you've just been manipulated and now are a target for the addict to hit time and time again .. as long as you are willing to hand over, give out, pay for .. the addict is more than willing to take.
Oh and by the way .. We know how to play you like a fiddle too. We put on our best poor poor pitiful me face and hang the head, sad eyes downcast at the floor, sit hunched, hands folded, the aura of depression is so strong it makes its way into your heart and penetrates it with the doom and gloom untented to get you to fork over money which of course is going to keep her out of some kind of trouble or pay some kind of bill .. and within a few minutes of you handing over the cash or check the addict leaves and once outside your door and out of your sight ... the shoulders go up, spirit is lifted and hi ho hi ho off to the drug dealers house I go ... You won't hear from me or see me again until the next sob story .. Or maybe I'll work you this way .. i'll call you up and thank you for the money you gave me and let you know what a hero you are (this lubes you for the next hit). You think you are dealing with a person, but in all reality you are dealing with the addiction .. the person has been taken captive and what you see before you is an addict ... the addiction comes forth to do the bidding .. its tactics are as cunning and deceiving as is the disease itself. Its voice is so loud and irritating that the addict will do whatever it takes to make it shut up. The sad part is that the silence is only temporal and the feeding is unending and will continue to be unless and until the addict arrest the addiction.
I can remember bits and pieces, times and places in my downward spiral .. I can remember going through my house tearing it apart looking for dope I might have stashed and forgot about. I can remember scrapping little baggies, straws, viles for debris, or crushing up no dose to snort. I can remember poking holes in my veins with a sewing needle and concocting a story that I had gotten arrested with needle tracks and needed "TWO HUNDRED" dollars to take to court to keep me out of jail ... out of love and fear for me .. my husband at the time (who I had left) drove over to my place and without much questions just handed me over the money to keep me out of jail. As soon as he was out of sight I was off and running to score dope. I have story after story of lies I told to manipulate my well intentioned loved ones into giving me money for drugs.
I spent over 21 years using drugs and most of the money to feed my addiction was supplied by those that loved me and wanted me to get better. By the way .. I also dealt drugs for years, but wasn't successful because as my addiction worsened I ended up using all my profits, then I just dealt to supply myself and I used up all my product too.
In time I was homeless .. living on the streets (friends and family wondered why I couldn't get a job and get it together) I couldn't because I was walking around with a big stop sign in my hand .. emotionally my growth was stunted and I was mentally paralyzed and physically tore up. I was lost with me, myself and I can't ...and as long as I had well intended (fixers = enablers) ready to help me .. I wouldn't ... and I didn't ... it wasn't until I was completely alone with no one to help me .. that I was able to find a way to help myself. My first instinct was to kill myself ... my second was to cry out to God and I did. He took it from there (and though I sign a lot of my post with recovering addict) - I do that because many people can't relate to the "God thing" , but the truth of the the matter is that from a ripe heart I prayed a sincere prayer and I was delivered from using drugs and alcohol immediately and with each step I took and each day that past I was on my way to regaining my life back. I arrived at being clean and sober by a heartfelt prayer to an Loving and merciful God and on the wings of an angel (who found the strength to stop enabling me and allowed me to be accountable for my own choices and behavior) who prayed daily, faithfully .. Her name is MOTHER.
A humble Thank you to my parents (my heavenly father and my mother) whom he picked out and chose for me .. He knew she was just what I needed
I give the Lord all praise, glory and honor
Gratefully,
Passion
Delivered addict/alcoholic
Trying to get the enabler to stop enabling is very much like trying to get the substance abuse to stop using drugs. Both are addicted, both have to bottom out both have to admit they have a problem and both have to find their way into their own recovery.
I can tell you repeatedly to stop enabling your addicted loved one, but until you've had enough you won't. You'll just keep giving him/her money, paying bills, doing for the addict what the addict needs to be doing for himself. I will tell you upfront that you are not helping, but rather you are part of the problem not the solution.
I pray this post will speak to your heart.
Some of us end up in jail or in meetings, rehab, flop houses, shelters, homeless and some .. the grave.
Family and friends are baffled at what we become .. they do not understand how or why.
They cannot comprehend why someone would choose that kind of life and live like that.
With the best of intentions and in the name of love they reach out and try to help the addict.
Money is given, bills are paid, clothes and food are bought and supplied, transportation is provided etc, etc, etc.
Little do they realize this only enables the addict, provides comfort and delays the inevitable.
It doesn't fix or stop or change the source of the problem "addiction".
Until the addiction is dealt with there will be an infinite need on the behalf of the addict for you to "help" or fix something for them. If you are always willing then you've fallen prey to keeping the addiction alive and well fed.
Note: Addicts are opportunists and like a dog can sense fear so can the addict. Fear is something that the addict can see in your eyes, hear in your voice when he makes up a story and tells you that he needs two hundred bucks to pay the court on Tuesday or else he will end up in jail or possibly prison .. You don't want him to go to jail so to save him from that fate you hand him the money .. and wa-la, you've just been manipulated and now are a target for the addict to hit time and time again .. as long as you are willing to hand over, give out, pay for .. the addict is more than willing to take.
Oh and by the way .. We know how to play you like a fiddle too. We put on our best poor poor pitiful me face and hang the head, sad eyes downcast at the floor, sit hunched, hands folded, the aura of depression is so strong it makes its way into your heart and penetrates it with the doom and gloom untented to get you to fork over money which of course is going to keep her out of some kind of trouble or pay some kind of bill .. and within a few minutes of you handing over the cash or check the addict leaves and once outside your door and out of your sight ... the shoulders go up, spirit is lifted and hi ho hi ho off to the drug dealers house I go ... You won't hear from me or see me again until the next sob story .. Or maybe I'll work you this way .. i'll call you up and thank you for the money you gave me and let you know what a hero you are (this lubes you for the next hit). You think you are dealing with a person, but in all reality you are dealing with the addiction .. the person has been taken captive and what you see before you is an addict ... the addiction comes forth to do the bidding .. its tactics are as cunning and deceiving as is the disease itself. Its voice is so loud and irritating that the addict will do whatever it takes to make it shut up. The sad part is that the silence is only temporal and the feeding is unending and will continue to be unless and until the addict arrest the addiction.
I can remember bits and pieces, times and places in my downward spiral .. I can remember going through my house tearing it apart looking for dope I might have stashed and forgot about. I can remember scrapping little baggies, straws, viles for debris, or crushing up no dose to snort. I can remember poking holes in my veins with a sewing needle and concocting a story that I had gotten arrested with needle tracks and needed "TWO HUNDRED" dollars to take to court to keep me out of jail ... out of love and fear for me .. my husband at the time (who I had left) drove over to my place and without much questions just handed me over the money to keep me out of jail. As soon as he was out of sight I was off and running to score dope. I have story after story of lies I told to manipulate my well intentioned loved ones into giving me money for drugs.
I spent over 21 years using drugs and most of the money to feed my addiction was supplied by those that loved me and wanted me to get better. By the way .. I also dealt drugs for years, but wasn't successful because as my addiction worsened I ended up using all my profits, then I just dealt to supply myself and I used up all my product too.
In time I was homeless .. living on the streets (friends and family wondered why I couldn't get a job and get it together) I couldn't because I was walking around with a big stop sign in my hand .. emotionally my growth was stunted and I was mentally paralyzed and physically tore up. I was lost with me, myself and I can't ...and as long as I had well intended (fixers = enablers) ready to help me .. I wouldn't ... and I didn't ... it wasn't until I was completely alone with no one to help me .. that I was able to find a way to help myself. My first instinct was to kill myself ... my second was to cry out to God and I did. He took it from there (and though I sign a lot of my post with recovering addict) - I do that because many people can't relate to the "God thing" , but the truth of the the matter is that from a ripe heart I prayed a sincere prayer and I was delivered from using drugs and alcohol immediately and with each step I took and each day that past I was on my way to regaining my life back. I arrived at being clean and sober by a heartfelt prayer to an Loving and merciful God and on the wings of an angel (who found the strength to stop enabling me and allowed me to be accountable for my own choices and behavior) who prayed daily, faithfully .. Her name is MOTHER.
A humble Thank you to my parents (my heavenly father and my mother) whom he picked out and chose for me .. He knew she was just what I needed
I give the Lord all praise, glory and honor
Gratefully,
Passion
Delivered addict/alcoholic
Trying to get the enabler to stop enabling is very much like trying to get the substance abuse to stop using drugs. Both are addicted, both have to bottom out both have to admit they have a problem and both have to find their way into their own recovery.
I can tell you repeatedly to stop enabling your addicted loved one, but until you've had enough you won't. You'll just keep giving him/her money, paying bills, doing for the addict what the addict needs to be doing for himself. I will tell you upfront that you are not helping, but rather you are part of the problem not the solution.
I pray this post will speak to your heart.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Passion,
The way you share your strength, experience and hope is awesome.
Thanks Passion, I'm sure it's hard for you to look back, or maybe not...since you've risen out of the depths of addiction.
Thank you....
The way you share your strength, experience and hope is awesome.
Thanks Passion, I'm sure it's hard for you to look back, or maybe not...since you've risen out of the depths of addiction.
Thank you....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Passion,
Thank you THANK YOU for being so honest ,open and willing to share your experience, strength and hope. You are a remarkable woman and I am glad to be able to learn from you.
Hugs
Cats
Thank you THANK YOU for being so honest ,open and willing to share your experience, strength and hope. You are a remarkable woman and I am glad to be able to learn from you.
Hugs
Cats
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
you were right where I needed you today.
I know you are a "double-winner", and are so insightful as someone who has loved an addict, But today you spoke from the side i needed to hear.
Thank you,
Cathy
I know you are a "double-winner", and are so insightful as someone who has loved an addict, But today you spoke from the side i needed to hear.
Thank you,
Cathy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
What an incredible post!!! You have answered so many of my questions and confirmed my worst fears. I am not an addict. My husband is and I am so confused and frustrated because I just don't get it! I am probably going to seek you out and pick your brain some time if you don't mind because that was the best post I've read!! Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Thank you Nyte.
Your story is an inspiration for all of us. Tried to make contact with my daughter this week-end. She finally called today. Not a good conversation. I know that your post was meant for me to read. I continue to pray for my daughter; I know He hears my prayers. Your post meant more to me than you will ever know.
Thanks again
Your story is an inspiration for all of us. Tried to make contact with my daughter this week-end. She finally called today. Not a good conversation. I know that your post was meant for me to read. I continue to pray for my daughter; I know He hears my prayers. Your post meant more to me than you will ever know.
Thanks again
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by justjo 
Absolutely right on...our life to a T.
What was it that bought you back?
What was it that bought you back?
Here is a link to my story .. I believe I talk about how I bottomed out and what brought me back
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...an-happen.html
Passion
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by DevastatedJP
What an incredible post!!! You have answered so many of my questions and confirmed my worst fears. I am not an addict. My husband is and I am so confused and frustrated because I just don't get it! I am probably going to seek you out and pick your brain some time if you don't mind because that was the best post I've read!! Thank you!
Pick away ... anytime
Passion
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by havehope
Thank you Nyte.
Your story is an inspiration for all of us. Tried to make contact with my daughter this week-end. She finally called today. Not a good conversation. I know that your post was meant for me to read. I continue to pray for my daughter; I know He hears my prayers. Your post meant more to me than you will ever know.
Thanks again
Your story is an inspiration for all of us. Tried to make contact with my daughter this week-end. She finally called today. Not a good conversation. I know that your post was meant for me to read. I continue to pray for my daughter; I know He hears my prayers. Your post meant more to me than you will ever know.
Thanks again
Indeed he does ... Keep looking up
Passion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ft Lauderdale, Fl
Posts: 6
Thank you..I needed to read that. I am on my way to see my addicted daughter,
and attempt to get her to seek help again. I can not afford fianancially or emotionally to continue this way. Your post was a perfect reminder of what is really happening in my life.
and attempt to get her to seek help again. I can not afford fianancially or emotionally to continue this way. Your post was a perfect reminder of what is really happening in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
I can't tell you how much your post has helped me. It just seems to answer all the questions that have been plaguing me this past year since I left my husband. It confirms to me that I am not crazy - and probably never was. The end to my story continues to break my heart...I miss my husband, and I probably always will, but I guess I loved me more, because I had to get out. I don't even know the true extent of the lies he told and continues to tell - I only know that I could no longer live with that pervasive, sickening feeling that something wasn't right. Thank you, thank you, for your honesty and for your bravery in sharing. It has made quite an impact.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
thank you for taking the time to share your story. It is very helpful to me, to feel it is Ok not to help my addict when he does not help himself. I need to be reminded over and over, that I cannot fix him...THANK YOU again!!!!!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thanks Passion, I would love to hear other stories as I too am waiting to see if my as gets out of this addiction. I keep wondering how bad things have to get because I cant image things could get much worse. I guess they can but I just dont understand how she can get this low.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Passion)))
Thank you for shining your light so brightly here. I know you have been to hell and back on both sides of addiction, and you are truly an inspiration to any one of us who needs to know the "truth".
Thank you for sharing your truth, as painful as it must be.
Hugs and Gratitude
Thank you for shining your light so brightly here. I know you have been to hell and back on both sides of addiction, and you are truly an inspiration to any one of us who needs to know the "truth".
Thank you for sharing your truth, as painful as it must be.
Hugs and Gratitude
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