My husband is changing our Family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Maine
Posts: 9
My husband is changing our Family
I have just discovered this website. I have wanted to find something like this for so long. Thank you for being here.
My husband was sober for 18 years.He finally stopped drinking when he was forced to go to manditory counseling when he got his third DUI. It was this or he would never get his drivers license back. We had been married two years and I was 8 months pregnant with our first daughter and I married him not having a clue about the world of alcohol abuse and how it can cause those around them to suffer. He hid his drinking from me and I didn't know that he had been arrested twice for DUI. The counseling was the best thing that could happen to him although it didn't seem like it at the time. We had to pay for it and we could hardly afford to pay our other bills. It was especially difficult when he had to spend a week in jail when our daughter was two months old. But he stopped drinking and didn't even seem to mind being around others who drank. He was very open and honest about being an alcoholic and that he coldn't drink. About two years ago it started again when his boss had his daughters wedding on the grounds that he is a Caretaker for. With so much of evey kind of alcohol left over it seemed more than his self control could stand. It started slow at first. Just like when we got married. Then up to a 12 pack a night. Just like before. Only difference is he usually stays home now to drink. Our two daughters grew up with his stories of how he was an alcoholic and how he stopped when our oldest was a baby because he didn't want her to ever see him drunk. These are HIS stories. Now he doesn't seem to care that they see him drunk each and every evening barely able to walk and loud and disorderly. On weekends he starts at noon and drinks more than a case of beer. He says his drinking is not causing us any harm. That I am being dramatic. He is not the same man at all. He isn't abusive. He just sits out in the garage and drinks alone puttering on projects that never get done and it is like he is isolating himself from us. When he does come in from outside he doesn't blend in to the family. He disrupts and unsettles us.
Our family life is greatly changed these past two years. My oldest is 19 and the youngest is 11. Their father and I used to take the girls out to lunch almost every sunday and then mini golf or bowling. We would go camping for the weekend or hiking for the day at our favorite Park. Now if we want to do something he stays home drinking. Weekends used to be fun and now they are bleak. It seems like we have lost so much now that he has been drinking. I don't feel close to him. I resent him. I cry and I am miserable and it seems like he cant see what we have lost as a family and as a couple. I even asked him if he wanted to drive me away and he insists that he doesn't. I have no idea what the girls think. They don't say at all. Once he said that he asked them if it is ok if he drinks and he told me they said its ok. How can that be true? I told him please don't ask them to give him permission to drink. Our 11 year old is too young to be honest and the 19 year old is very timid and would never say something she know he doesn't want to hear. She idolizes him. Now sometimes they come home from school or work and he is already sleeping because he drank too much. We have 1 or 2 days a week when this happens. I know that the only way he can stop is to quit all drinking. He can not stop at one or two beers and any attempts or experiments with this has been sadly dissapointing. He refuses to go to AA. He won't go to private counseling. We can't afford rehab. He wouldn't agree any way. I don't want to make him leave. I just want to know what I can do make him see for himself that he has lost so much and the only way to get it back is to stop drinking. I don't want to leave him. I can't ask him to leave. I know he is capable of beating this. After all he did so before. He does have it in him to beat this. I just need to figure out what I can do to make this happen now and before it is too late. Before the girls are off and grown and his relationship with them changes even more and they no longer hold him in their hearts. It is so sad to see whatour life has become. It would be even more tragic if he has an accident one day either in the car or at home. He stumbles around very unsteady on his feet every evening. Once in a while he drives from his parents house where he has been drinking for hours. All of his family are alcoholics. They all feel like it is ok to start drinking at noon time and on any given night they have 4-6 people friends and family alike who show up at their house with their own choice of alcohol with them and they drink until it is gone and go home. Nothing is ever said about how unsafe drinking and driving is. They don't mind living in a house that is falling down around them as long as they can get drunk every day. These people are not going to be of any help to me. My parents are in their late 80's and his best friends drink too.
Should I keep quiet and stop trying to help him. Should I let him hit bottom. Please dont tell me to leave him. We have weathered a lot in the past 20 years and this is not going to break us. I know we can get over this hurdle. I can't go to Al-anon because it is an hour drive to the nearest meeting. I just wish I knew what I could do that would not involve splitting up the family. I can't afford it and I don't have the heart for it. I just don't want to do anything to imflame the situation and make it worse. The only evening of the week that he will sometimes not drink is Tuesday. This is because he goes to Karate with our 19 year old and they don't get home until late at night. He respects the Sensei's and their influence seems to stick with him for at least the evening. I have thought of getting one of his Karate friends to talk to him about his drinking but I am scared to death of doing something to make it worse. I wouldn't want to ruin the one thing in his life that seems to keep him sober for a while. I have also thought of asking his boss's daughter to talk to him. He respects them very much and once she called me( before he started drinking again) asking me if my husband was ok and was there something they could do to help. She even said how much they think of him as family and to please call any time for anything. Again. I wouldn't want to make things worse. He loves his job and it keeps him from drinking during the day. His sponsor lives down the road. A man who helped him very much over his hurdle 18 years ago. He knows about my husbands drinking but he said he won't talk to him unless he comes to him for help and he has said that he won't do that. What can I do? Should I shut up and put up or am I not doing enough?
My husband was sober for 18 years.He finally stopped drinking when he was forced to go to manditory counseling when he got his third DUI. It was this or he would never get his drivers license back. We had been married two years and I was 8 months pregnant with our first daughter and I married him not having a clue about the world of alcohol abuse and how it can cause those around them to suffer. He hid his drinking from me and I didn't know that he had been arrested twice for DUI. The counseling was the best thing that could happen to him although it didn't seem like it at the time. We had to pay for it and we could hardly afford to pay our other bills. It was especially difficult when he had to spend a week in jail when our daughter was two months old. But he stopped drinking and didn't even seem to mind being around others who drank. He was very open and honest about being an alcoholic and that he coldn't drink. About two years ago it started again when his boss had his daughters wedding on the grounds that he is a Caretaker for. With so much of evey kind of alcohol left over it seemed more than his self control could stand. It started slow at first. Just like when we got married. Then up to a 12 pack a night. Just like before. Only difference is he usually stays home now to drink. Our two daughters grew up with his stories of how he was an alcoholic and how he stopped when our oldest was a baby because he didn't want her to ever see him drunk. These are HIS stories. Now he doesn't seem to care that they see him drunk each and every evening barely able to walk and loud and disorderly. On weekends he starts at noon and drinks more than a case of beer. He says his drinking is not causing us any harm. That I am being dramatic. He is not the same man at all. He isn't abusive. He just sits out in the garage and drinks alone puttering on projects that never get done and it is like he is isolating himself from us. When he does come in from outside he doesn't blend in to the family. He disrupts and unsettles us.
Our family life is greatly changed these past two years. My oldest is 19 and the youngest is 11. Their father and I used to take the girls out to lunch almost every sunday and then mini golf or bowling. We would go camping for the weekend or hiking for the day at our favorite Park. Now if we want to do something he stays home drinking. Weekends used to be fun and now they are bleak. It seems like we have lost so much now that he has been drinking. I don't feel close to him. I resent him. I cry and I am miserable and it seems like he cant see what we have lost as a family and as a couple. I even asked him if he wanted to drive me away and he insists that he doesn't. I have no idea what the girls think. They don't say at all. Once he said that he asked them if it is ok if he drinks and he told me they said its ok. How can that be true? I told him please don't ask them to give him permission to drink. Our 11 year old is too young to be honest and the 19 year old is very timid and would never say something she know he doesn't want to hear. She idolizes him. Now sometimes they come home from school or work and he is already sleeping because he drank too much. We have 1 or 2 days a week when this happens. I know that the only way he can stop is to quit all drinking. He can not stop at one or two beers and any attempts or experiments with this has been sadly dissapointing. He refuses to go to AA. He won't go to private counseling. We can't afford rehab. He wouldn't agree any way. I don't want to make him leave. I just want to know what I can do make him see for himself that he has lost so much and the only way to get it back is to stop drinking. I don't want to leave him. I can't ask him to leave. I know he is capable of beating this. After all he did so before. He does have it in him to beat this. I just need to figure out what I can do to make this happen now and before it is too late. Before the girls are off and grown and his relationship with them changes even more and they no longer hold him in their hearts. It is so sad to see whatour life has become. It would be even more tragic if he has an accident one day either in the car or at home. He stumbles around very unsteady on his feet every evening. Once in a while he drives from his parents house where he has been drinking for hours. All of his family are alcoholics. They all feel like it is ok to start drinking at noon time and on any given night they have 4-6 people friends and family alike who show up at their house with their own choice of alcohol with them and they drink until it is gone and go home. Nothing is ever said about how unsafe drinking and driving is. They don't mind living in a house that is falling down around them as long as they can get drunk every day. These people are not going to be of any help to me. My parents are in their late 80's and his best friends drink too.
Should I keep quiet and stop trying to help him. Should I let him hit bottom. Please dont tell me to leave him. We have weathered a lot in the past 20 years and this is not going to break us. I know we can get over this hurdle. I can't go to Al-anon because it is an hour drive to the nearest meeting. I just wish I knew what I could do that would not involve splitting up the family. I can't afford it and I don't have the heart for it. I just don't want to do anything to imflame the situation and make it worse. The only evening of the week that he will sometimes not drink is Tuesday. This is because he goes to Karate with our 19 year old and they don't get home until late at night. He respects the Sensei's and their influence seems to stick with him for at least the evening. I have thought of getting one of his Karate friends to talk to him about his drinking but I am scared to death of doing something to make it worse. I wouldn't want to ruin the one thing in his life that seems to keep him sober for a while. I have also thought of asking his boss's daughter to talk to him. He respects them very much and once she called me( before he started drinking again) asking me if my husband was ok and was there something they could do to help. She even said how much they think of him as family and to please call any time for anything. Again. I wouldn't want to make things worse. He loves his job and it keeps him from drinking during the day. His sponsor lives down the road. A man who helped him very much over his hurdle 18 years ago. He knows about my husbands drinking but he said he won't talk to him unless he comes to him for help and he has said that he won't do that. What can I do? Should I shut up and put up or am I not doing enough?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
First and foremost, why do you feel it is necessary for you to do something? You didn't cause his drinking and I am sure you know by now that you can't cure it. As you have probably read on most of these posts, leaving or asking the addict to leave isn't always the solution as long as no one is being harmed in the process. Other have contended with living with the addict but have selected to allow the addict to find their own way back to reality. It really depends on your tolerant of the situation. He isn't going to get help until he is ready for help and there is nothing you can do to change that. Now, you can make things apparent to him that everything is changing because of his drinking. I would keep doing the outings with the girls, without him. I would focus on you and the children. Maybe one day he will wake up and realize what he is missing out on and decide to get help. Until then, take care of the people who will allow you to take care of them.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Blue...
You know what it took before - it took a 3rd DUI (what? he couldn't figure out from the first TWO that he needed to stop?) and a court order. He already had a family he was endangering 18 years ago - yet it took the courts to make him get to rehab.
Alcoholism is a disease. Could you "talk" him out of having diabetes? Could you "prove to him" that eating fat and not exercising was exacerbating heart disease? And if you could, could you watch his every move, every minute of the day?
There are those who have come in here who HAVE tried those things. Women who have acted as doctor, jailer, counselor and mother to their spouses. Their stories are painful ... nothing.... not. one. blessed. thing... will "make" an alcoholic "see" what they are doing to their families.
The alcoholic already knows.
The alcoholic has already tried.
They are in the depths of their disease and WE cannot make them come out.
So. Where does that leave you and the kids? That is up to you. Make a list - what do you like in life? What makes you happy (not who, but what). Where do you like to go? What is your favorite music? Your favorite season? Your favorite vacation destination? What are YOUR hobbies? How do you want to live?
Take the kids on those Sunday outtings... without MENTIONING, not even once, what your husband is doing or not doing. Put your attention on THEM and on your surroundings and ENJOY...even if it is work (at first).
In other words ... live your life! Because the truth of the matter is that he may never, ever stop drinking. And at some point, you have to decide how you want to live. You don't have to make that decision today. Today, you can "live around him"... and not get tangled up in the drinking behavior itself.
Alanon helped me see this... and I had to go to LOTS of meetings to figure it out for me (brain knowledge is easy... heart knowledge is hard!).
I wish you the very best - please keep posting and reading (especially the "sticky" notes at the top of our forum).
(((hugs)))
You know what it took before - it took a 3rd DUI (what? he couldn't figure out from the first TWO that he needed to stop?) and a court order. He already had a family he was endangering 18 years ago - yet it took the courts to make him get to rehab.
Alcoholism is a disease. Could you "talk" him out of having diabetes? Could you "prove to him" that eating fat and not exercising was exacerbating heart disease? And if you could, could you watch his every move, every minute of the day?
There are those who have come in here who HAVE tried those things. Women who have acted as doctor, jailer, counselor and mother to their spouses. Their stories are painful ... nothing.... not. one. blessed. thing... will "make" an alcoholic "see" what they are doing to their families.
The alcoholic already knows.
The alcoholic has already tried.
They are in the depths of their disease and WE cannot make them come out.
So. Where does that leave you and the kids? That is up to you. Make a list - what do you like in life? What makes you happy (not who, but what). Where do you like to go? What is your favorite music? Your favorite season? Your favorite vacation destination? What are YOUR hobbies? How do you want to live?
Take the kids on those Sunday outtings... without MENTIONING, not even once, what your husband is doing or not doing. Put your attention on THEM and on your surroundings and ENJOY...even if it is work (at first).
In other words ... live your life! Because the truth of the matter is that he may never, ever stop drinking. And at some point, you have to decide how you want to live. You don't have to make that decision today. Today, you can "live around him"... and not get tangled up in the drinking behavior itself.
Alanon helped me see this... and I had to go to LOTS of meetings to figure it out for me (brain knowledge is easy... heart knowledge is hard!).
I wish you the very best - please keep posting and reading (especially the "sticky" notes at the top of our forum).
(((hugs)))
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome blue
Hate so much that you and your daughters are going thru this painful time - hate that your AH is in such misery.
As it has been mentioned - there is probably nothing you can do for me - We are powerless of alcohol and alcoholics. But it doesn't mean that we are optionless.
Thru the help of Al-Anon, SR, working with my sponsor, reading recovery literature and continuing contact with my HP - I am learning what is healthy for me. I can take care of me regardless of what the alcoholics/addicts in my life are doing.
Keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Hate so much that you and your daughters are going thru this painful time - hate that your AH is in such misery.
As it has been mentioned - there is probably nothing you can do for me - We are powerless of alcohol and alcoholics. But it doesn't mean that we are optionless.
Thru the help of Al-Anon, SR, working with my sponsor, reading recovery literature and continuing contact with my HP - I am learning what is healthy for me. I can take care of me regardless of what the alcoholics/addicts in my life are doing.
Keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR Bluewombat. The three C's of addiction .....
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You can't Control it
3. You can't Cure it
Learn all you can about addiction, how to set boundaries and to not enable. (Enabling is doing for the A things they should be doing for themselves.) It's alot to learn, but as you do you will become a stronger person, and will learn how to make you and your childrens lives enjoyable no matter what your husband is doing. Keep reading and posting. You'll get lots of support and encouragement here.
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You can't Control it
3. You can't Cure it
Learn all you can about addiction, how to set boundaries and to not enable. (Enabling is doing for the A things they should be doing for themselves.) It's alot to learn, but as you do you will become a stronger person, and will learn how to make you and your childrens lives enjoyable no matter what your husband is doing. Keep reading and posting. You'll get lots of support and encouragement here.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((bluewombat)))))
I'm Linda and the mother of a 26 yo addicted son.
I was also married to an alcoholic, at one time.
I was also raised by an alcoholic, for 30 years.
I was also the sister of 1 alcoholic and 1 drug addict.
Believe me when I tell ya, I know about the dysfunction your living with.
:sorry you and your daughters are going through this.
My sister in law was married to my alcoholic brother for 25 years.
Heck, she practically raised me and my little brother, too.
She also had 4 daughters. All are grown now and all have a couple o' kids each.
My brother?
Fatal heart attack on their kitchen floor about 9 years ago.
She never left. She loved him.
Was she happy? Sometimes.
She lived with what she could live with.
I always thought that she was the strongest woman I'd ever known and I was right.
I still think that. She survived. I'm sure her life could have been much better if she had gotten out, but she chose not to.
I guess it just depends on what you can live with.
Do with what you can live with. If he were abusive, I'd tell ya to leave, regardless.
What you do with your life is not my business.
I just wanted to offer my support, my prayers, and my experience.
But know, that he is gonna do what he's gonna do, until he doesn't wanna do it anymore.
Can ya deal with that?
Keep comin' back,
I'm Linda and the mother of a 26 yo addicted son.
I was also married to an alcoholic, at one time.
I was also raised by an alcoholic, for 30 years.
I was also the sister of 1 alcoholic and 1 drug addict.
Believe me when I tell ya, I know about the dysfunction your living with.
:sorry you and your daughters are going through this.
My sister in law was married to my alcoholic brother for 25 years.
Heck, she practically raised me and my little brother, too.
She also had 4 daughters. All are grown now and all have a couple o' kids each.
My brother?
Fatal heart attack on their kitchen floor about 9 years ago.
She never left. She loved him.
Was she happy? Sometimes.
She lived with what she could live with.
I always thought that she was the strongest woman I'd ever known and I was right.
I still think that. She survived. I'm sure her life could have been much better if she had gotten out, but she chose not to.
I guess it just depends on what you can live with.
Do with what you can live with. If he were abusive, I'd tell ya to leave, regardless.
What you do with your life is not my business.
I just wanted to offer my support, my prayers, and my experience.
But know, that he is gonna do what he's gonna do, until he doesn't wanna do it anymore.
Can ya deal with that?
Keep comin' back,
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome, I too am so sorry for the pain that has brought you here, but you have found a great place with people who understand. I think almost all of us came here or to the rooms of Alanon and Naranon looking for ways to fix our addicted loved ones. But as everyone has said, unfortunately, no one can do that...they have to want it themselves.
Until that time, I would also encourage you to read and post; to maybe consider that hour drive once in awhile...Your daughters may benefit too...and to try to take the focus off of him and onto you and those beautiful girls.
I grew up with alcoholism in my home too...My mom was actively drinking, hiding bottles, etc during my teen years. I am grateful that she found AA and I got my mom "back," but one thing that has had a lasting impact on me is the experience of living in a house filled with secrets. My father never spoke of her drinking...no one did...it was like it wasn't there. I felt like something was wrong with me because it had such a negative impact on me. I thought something was wrong with me that I could not understand why everyone seemed to ignore this huge issue as if that would make it go away. I share this because I feel for your daughters. Maybe it would help them if you acknowledged to them that their father has a problem and he has to find his own way. Maybe they'd be reassured that his alcoholism isn't something they caused or can control or cure either. I know it is hard to talk about...it makes it even more real, but if they are anything like I was, I think they would appreciate the honesty. Hugs
Until that time, I would also encourage you to read and post; to maybe consider that hour drive once in awhile...Your daughters may benefit too...and to try to take the focus off of him and onto you and those beautiful girls.
I grew up with alcoholism in my home too...My mom was actively drinking, hiding bottles, etc during my teen years. I am grateful that she found AA and I got my mom "back," but one thing that has had a lasting impact on me is the experience of living in a house filled with secrets. My father never spoke of her drinking...no one did...it was like it wasn't there. I felt like something was wrong with me because it had such a negative impact on me. I thought something was wrong with me that I could not understand why everyone seemed to ignore this huge issue as if that would make it go away. I share this because I feel for your daughters. Maybe it would help them if you acknowledged to them that their father has a problem and he has to find his own way. Maybe they'd be reassured that his alcoholism isn't something they caused or can control or cure either. I know it is hard to talk about...it makes it even more real, but if they are anything like I was, I think they would appreciate the honesty. Hugs
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