HurtingDad

So my AS lives on the streets of Manhattan, and he calls me about once a week or so. He claims to still be on methadone, but it was the use of cocaine on top of that that got him in trouble a few months ago (dealers came to his rented room to beat him up for monies owed - landlord kicked him out).

With Thanksgiving coming up, we're having the family over the house for the Holiday. I'd love to invite him, but he probably is still an active user.

Don't know what to do. And unfortunately it sometimes causes friction between myself and my wife (his stepmother who is a wonderful person with the gift of being one step removed --which gives her clearer vision than I sometimes have) Having him at the house like everything is normal is such a fraud. And when I put him back on the train to Manhattan, it will hurt both him and myself.

I think I've answered my own question...as much as I'll miss him...he won't be at the table

This is so hard......Thanks to all....

sjr

i've been thinking the same question. with the holidays coming, do i want my child around to wreck havoc on the day. she is my only family. i am not married. i mean i do have my mom, but she is my at home family. I am with you on the "fraud" thing. but honestly i think my daughter at this point would rather be somewhere else anyhow. good luck to you

cece

I struggle with this one too. He is my only child. I want to have my family with me. but I am afraid of the drama. (Easier to detach and let go when he is away.) He can usually do good for a few days, and everyone would be happy to see him ( aunts uncles cousins). but seeing the addiction craziness up close is hard. would I be uncomfortable with some families reaction to him? ( very large extended family).
I guess its a decison of whats worse. Seeing the addiction? or not having your child on the holiday?
Not sure.

Ann

I had too many holidays ruined because of my son's addiction....whether he came home or not.

Something that used to help me "compromise" with the guilt was to find a time during the holidays to meet with him and go out for a nice dinner and visit.

It's okay to not allow an active addict in your home anytime, for any reason.

Hugs

caileesnana

My daughter has also ruined every holiday on the calendar, and some that aren't! I don't blame you. As hard as it is when they are not at the table, it is worse when they are!

susan

p.s. we will all get through this season together!:praying

bookmiser

I grew up in a family of alcoholics.
Every holiday was spent with my cousins, Drama and Chaos.
In my family, that was just the way it was.
Now that I'm older, I choose to have quiet and peaceful unions.
As long as my son is "behaving", he's more than welcome.
If I thought he was drinking or using...

Sending prayers that this holiday season brings you quiet and peacefulness
and your son, sobriety.

Hugs,

cece1960

Its your holiday too.
I will never forget the Christmas that I had to make it through the entire day pretending that all was OK. It took me three days to get off the couch after. It was my bottom. I would rather place thorns in my eyes than go through that again.

Do whatever you think will be the best for you on that day...and remember that not all years need be the same.

((((Hugs))))
Cece

Bonichickadee

I can sure understand your heartache. We will have to make this decision at Christmas. We are travelling to her city where my son and his family live but wonder if we should put ourselves in that position when staying home would be easier. But then I don't get to see my grandson and grandaughter.

dustie

i am so sorry for each and everyone of you. i thought my life was hard. having to deal with my ex husband who is the addict. i admire all of you. i don't know what i would do if it were my child. my heart breaks for each and everyone of you....and i really mean that. i admire your strength. you have been through so much. i know that your heart must break every day. i wish i had magic words or better yet a magic wand to make it all better.

please know that there are people out here that admire you more than you will ever know. i pray that each of you continue with the strength that has gotten you here so far.

i don't think i could do what you all have done. may God bless each of you. (i hope that is ok to say) i just want to convey that i admire so all so much. hang in there.

dustie

Spiritual Seeker

Like I said on another thread yesterday...I have always called a moratorium on addiction for the holidays + B'days. I invite my son or go celebrate with him and don't mention his addiction status. I do it for myself. Holidays without seeing my only child would be much worse than seeing him while he is addict. My son knows his abilities and makes himself presentable for the situation or limits the amount of time he stays. There is still humanity under the addiction. I've always let him know that it is important to me that I spend holidays with him and he somehow has always pulled it together for those days even thought he is not able to plan in advance; at the last minute he lets me know that he is coming. Part of this is accepting what is and making lemonade out of the lemon. Last yr. when he went with my husband and I to my niece's house he was acting odd compared to the cousins his age. I decided it is not for me to be embarrassed by it...I didn't own it I just stayed in gratitude that he was a part of the family for Xmas.
There is no easy answer but I know it is more painful for me Not to see him at the special times, so I make the effort to get him to holidays no matter how is addiction is.

marle

I invited my daughter. She said yes, but that was 2 weeks ago and with a week and a half left until Thanksgiving, I am not making big plans. If she still wants to come, she will get in touch. If not, then another year will go by without her. This time of year is especially tough for us parents. Whatever you decide it is your decision and it is not wrong. Hugs, Marle