Going Through The Change...and this Ain't About Menopause
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Going Through The Change...and this Ain't About Menopause
A few things have happened this week, just normal life things, some good and some less good but not awful...and I had myself another "AHA" moment when I realized that my "natural" reaction to whatever was going on was that my recovery kicked in.
I remember how hard it was to change even the smallest things in my life. Changing my thinking, changing my "reactions" to "actions" so that I was no longer a reflection of what was happening around me but instead I became an indication of what was going on inside me...all these took a lot of work, learning and practice before they became less uncomfortable and more a normal way to live.
Before recovery, when good things happened I sometimes missed the blessing of the moment entirely by worrying about what might happen or that the good thing might not last. Sometimes I was so wrapped up in my codependent thinking, that I didn't even see the goodness around me.
With recovery, I have come to treasure each day, learn from the bad ones and feel gratitude for the good ones. I have discovered that life is precious and meant to be lived to the fullest and that I COULD choose to live as well as I wanted.
Before recovery, if someone annoyed me or hurt my feelings, I would react with resentment, low self-esteem, anger or a feeling of wanting to hurt them back, just so they'd know how it felt.
With recovery, my first instinct is now to wonder what darkness that person is carrying around with them to allow themselves to be so insensitive and unkind. They must be overflowing with pain or insecurity to feel a need to pass it to someone else. Today, I pray for them instead of striking back, because prayer allows me to forgive and let go and striking back just fuels the fires of resentment and lowers me to their sad level.
Before recovery, I was a reflection of those I loved. I was my mother's daughter, my husband's wife, my son's mother and my employer's employee and spent endless energy trying to meet their expectations.
With recovery, I have allowed myself to know that stranger called "me" and know in my heart that if I strive to be the best person I can be, that is more than enough and doesn't require validation or approval.
There is so much more, but I think you get my drift. It's about change. The funny thing is that I hardly remember the changing. I think it came in small pieces, one little action at a time, one thought at a time.
But I know that the person I am today bears no resemblance to the person I used to be, and I am grateful.
It didn't come easy but it came, just as those who went before me promised it would. "Just do the 'do' things" they would say, "spend some time each day in prayer and meditation, feel comfortable saying 'please' and don't forget to say 'thank You' and do the best you can". It worked for me and it can work for anyone.
How about you? What are some of the changes you have noticed since you began your recovery? This isn't just for oldtimers, I am interested in what the newcomers think too. Change happens in small increments and even someone who began yesterday has probably experienced some change, even if the change is from hopeless to hopeful.
Talk to me and tell me about your change...and I ain't talking hot flashes and hormones
Hugs
I remember how hard it was to change even the smallest things in my life. Changing my thinking, changing my "reactions" to "actions" so that I was no longer a reflection of what was happening around me but instead I became an indication of what was going on inside me...all these took a lot of work, learning and practice before they became less uncomfortable and more a normal way to live.
Before recovery, when good things happened I sometimes missed the blessing of the moment entirely by worrying about what might happen or that the good thing might not last. Sometimes I was so wrapped up in my codependent thinking, that I didn't even see the goodness around me.
With recovery, I have come to treasure each day, learn from the bad ones and feel gratitude for the good ones. I have discovered that life is precious and meant to be lived to the fullest and that I COULD choose to live as well as I wanted.
Before recovery, if someone annoyed me or hurt my feelings, I would react with resentment, low self-esteem, anger or a feeling of wanting to hurt them back, just so they'd know how it felt.
With recovery, my first instinct is now to wonder what darkness that person is carrying around with them to allow themselves to be so insensitive and unkind. They must be overflowing with pain or insecurity to feel a need to pass it to someone else. Today, I pray for them instead of striking back, because prayer allows me to forgive and let go and striking back just fuels the fires of resentment and lowers me to their sad level.
Before recovery, I was a reflection of those I loved. I was my mother's daughter, my husband's wife, my son's mother and my employer's employee and spent endless energy trying to meet their expectations.
With recovery, I have allowed myself to know that stranger called "me" and know in my heart that if I strive to be the best person I can be, that is more than enough and doesn't require validation or approval.
There is so much more, but I think you get my drift. It's about change. The funny thing is that I hardly remember the changing. I think it came in small pieces, one little action at a time, one thought at a time.
But I know that the person I am today bears no resemblance to the person I used to be, and I am grateful.
It didn't come easy but it came, just as those who went before me promised it would. "Just do the 'do' things" they would say, "spend some time each day in prayer and meditation, feel comfortable saying 'please' and don't forget to say 'thank You' and do the best you can". It worked for me and it can work for anyone.
How about you? What are some of the changes you have noticed since you began your recovery? This isn't just for oldtimers, I am interested in what the newcomers think too. Change happens in small increments and even someone who began yesterday has probably experienced some change, even if the change is from hopeless to hopeful.
Talk to me and tell me about your change...and I ain't talking hot flashes and hormones
Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 10-16-2007 at 05:37 AM.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Macmerry, now see? Read your reply again. Not many words, but there is the "desire" to live better, hope that you can and reaching out by being here and reading what helps you.
Tell me that's not a change from despair. That's change girl, it just sneaks up on you and before you know it, life is better than it was and gets better every day.
Hugs
Tell me that's not a change from despair. That's change girl, it just sneaks up on you and before you know it, life is better than it was and gets better every day.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
ann,
once again the timing of your post is always an aha moment for me - always meaningful to what is going on, in this moment, in my life - i've just started reading *codependant no more* - ive read lots of melodie beatties other books - language of letting go - gratitude - etc. but the codependancy is just so enlightening - it helps so much in dealing with everything and not reacting - my weakness - reacting to everyone around me...
so thank you, once again, for your post - you are an inspiration for us all...
love,
s
once again the timing of your post is always an aha moment for me - always meaningful to what is going on, in this moment, in my life - i've just started reading *codependant no more* - ive read lots of melodie beatties other books - language of letting go - gratitude - etc. but the codependancy is just so enlightening - it helps so much in dealing with everything and not reacting - my weakness - reacting to everyone around me...
so thank you, once again, for your post - you are an inspiration for us all...
love,
s
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by itiswhatitis... 
ann,
it helps so much in dealing with everything and not reacting - my weakness - reacting to everyone around me...
it helps so much in dealing with everything and not reacting - my weakness - reacting to everyone around me...
One change at a time, one day at a time...that's how we get there.
Hugs
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Jwife22
I've learned that it is okay to put ME before others and that it is not a selfish thing. That change was an enlightening one.
Thanks for reminding me of that one, it's an important change that takes a bit of trying on before it fits.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
Change, There are many. I have noticed I am not so reactive. Like when someone is reacting I find myself the one saying now why are you so wrapped up in this? Just stay out of it. When the phone rings and it is one of the A’s I am just not answering it. What is the point? Really. Do I really need an update on what they are doing, going? I care but for my own peace of mind I have to just not go there. The best thing for me is to just stay out of it. Sit back, let the chips fall where they may and just live my own life. There is no point in my picking up that phone and getting into it with them. Why bother, it is not like either of them are calling to see how we are or anything. They just want to pick a fight. So that is the biggest change for me. I found once I learned that and how to really do it, the rest fell into place for me. I am less angry, depressed and my over all out look on life is more positive. I find that removing the reactive behavior for me was a key to my recovery. Minding my own business is great for my soul. I am doing so much better. I always am learning new things here. I owe so much to the kindness and love as well as support all have shown me. I am still a work in progress.. God is not finished with me yet. 
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Originally Posted by BrokenBridges24
The best thing for me is to just stay out of it. Sit back, let the chips fall where they may and just live my own life.
When someone is angry and spewing off venom, it disappears into the wind pretty quickly when they no longer have an audience of one...us.
Yup, changes are all good.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
Your post are my daily inspiration. Let the dogs out, grab a cup of coffee and hop right on SR and read yours first. I have learned to think first-no more "crazy" reactions. Plan and take time for all the things I have wanted to do-but was too stressed to do them. Amazing how much this "old lady" is getting done!!!! The jungle of a yard-my goodness-flowers are still ther-a hidden garden I call it. Cleaning it up. Giving tons of plants away. I think mom would be proud if she was still here. People say I am different-almost like I was yrs. ago. Just amazing how much help I have been receiving getting the flower beds back in order. I can see and feel the changes but I still have a long way to go. Thank you so much for your posts.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Wow, Momsrainbow, your post reminds me of my beautiful garden I had when I lived in Toronto. It wasn't fancy by "Better Homes and Gardens" standards, but it sure was pretty. We used to do something here at SR every spring when I'd get my plants...we'd name each plant after someone here (that's when we were smaller, LOL) and when it was planted I called it my "Recovery Garden". I loved tending that garden and then sharing the flowers with my neighbours when they grew and bloomed.
The soil, insects and wildlife here on the water make a garden like that impossible, so I do patio pots and hanging baskets and still get joy from that today.
Yes, we change, and as you mentioned people notice that we have changed sometimes before we do. They can't quite put a finger on it but we seem more peaceful, balanced and (God Love 'Em) younger.
Your mom would be proud, and so would my mom.
When we stop spending all our energy on trying to change that which is not ours to change, we have tons left over to do healthy things for ourselves, like gardening...and then WE are the ones who change. Who knew?
Hugs
The soil, insects and wildlife here on the water make a garden like that impossible, so I do patio pots and hanging baskets and still get joy from that today.
Yes, we change, and as you mentioned people notice that we have changed sometimes before we do. They can't quite put a finger on it but we seem more peaceful, balanced and (God Love 'Em) younger.
Your mom would be proud, and so would my mom.
When we stop spending all our energy on trying to change that which is not ours to change, we have tons left over to do healthy things for ourselves, like gardening...and then WE are the ones who change. Who knew?
Hugs
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Good Morning wise lady!
Like everyone else, you often hit me where I needed it that day! Although i am amazed at how much change is going on in my head, the one change that is sticking out right now it that its okay to Love my addicts. this doesn't mean i have to enable, fix, or even be with them. But it gave me permission to still Love them. Detaching often felt like giving up or not Loving anymore. I now see that its not so. This little AhHa! opened up such new thinking for me.
Like everyone else, you often hit me where I needed it that day! Although i am amazed at how much change is going on in my head, the one change that is sticking out right now it that its okay to Love my addicts. this doesn't mean i have to enable, fix, or even be with them. But it gave me permission to still Love them. Detaching often felt like giving up or not Loving anymore. I now see that its not so. This little AhHa! opened up such new thinking for me.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Hey, cece, detaching with love was a phrase I didn't understand when I began this program. Love, for me, meant sticking with them no matter what.
I learned that it took more love to let go than to hang on. My anger for my son became compassion when I took time to step back and try to see addiction through his eyes instead of my judgmental ones. Letting him learn his own life's lessons taught both of us responsibility.
A wise lady who used to moderate here, JustTired, once said..."Detaching with love means not squealing your tires as you pull away".
Big change, this detachment, but the healthiest one of all for both addict and codie alike.
Hugs
I learned that it took more love to let go than to hang on. My anger for my son became compassion when I took time to step back and try to see addiction through his eyes instead of my judgmental ones. Letting him learn his own life's lessons taught both of us responsibility.
A wise lady who used to moderate here, JustTired, once said..."Detaching with love means not squealing your tires as you pull away".
Big change, this detachment, but the healthiest one of all for both addict and codie alike.
Hugs
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Another thought about change...my change met resistance from my son because he no longer knew what buttons to push to hook me into his manipulation. He could no longer predict my "reaction" because there wasn't any and he thought for a time that I just didn't care anymore.
He learned that change meant I still loved him as much as ever, good days and bad, but that I loved myself enough to stay healthy and do what was right for me.
My codependency let me walk right into hell with him and my recovery gave me the courage to crawl back out. I couldn't bring him with me, each person has to find their own way out, but I could hold my candle of hope and pray he saw the light and headed in that direction.
Change means we are no longer the person we were and although that confuses those who think they know us, those who really love us can see that whatever the change is, it's a good one and helps us become better people.
Hugs
He learned that change meant I still loved him as much as ever, good days and bad, but that I loved myself enough to stay healthy and do what was right for me.
My codependency let me walk right into hell with him and my recovery gave me the courage to crawl back out. I couldn't bring him with me, each person has to find their own way out, but I could hold my candle of hope and pray he saw the light and headed in that direction.
Change means we are no longer the person we were and although that confuses those who think they know us, those who really love us can see that whatever the change is, it's a good one and helps us become better people.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hey there Ann...yep, the changing itself was a big one for me. Not only was I not very good at it, but some of those around me weren't very compfrtable with it either.
I have uncovered something, that on its surface was very uncomfortable but in the long run seems to be leading me to better places.
As funny as it sounds, when I first stopped "reacting" to the chaos often brought about by ex's, kids, kid's bad choices etc, I found myself hurt on more occassions. In other words, the behavior of others became very clear in that I was at times very irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, and that with all the time and tears I had spent on trying to be the good Mom, sister, daughter, friend etc, others were buzy with themselves.
At first that hurt, but in time I realized that I needed to stop relying on others for my happiness, or more importantly for my emotional health.
God didn't put me here as all of the people emntioned above, he gave me a life to live...and thats exactly what I plan on doing
Thanks for asking! lol
(((Hugs)))
Cece
I have uncovered something, that on its surface was very uncomfortable but in the long run seems to be leading me to better places.
As funny as it sounds, when I first stopped "reacting" to the chaos often brought about by ex's, kids, kid's bad choices etc, I found myself hurt on more occassions. In other words, the behavior of others became very clear in that I was at times very irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, and that with all the time and tears I had spent on trying to be the good Mom, sister, daughter, friend etc, others were buzy with themselves.
At first that hurt, but in time I realized that I needed to stop relying on others for my happiness, or more importantly for my emotional health.
God didn't put me here as all of the people emntioned above, he gave me a life to live...and thats exactly what I plan on doing
Thanks for asking! lol
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Ann
A
But I know that the person I am today bears no resemblance to the person I used to be, and I am grateful.
Hugs
But I know that the person I am today bears no resemblance to the person I used to be, and I am grateful.
Hugs
About 9 months later, I was at an open AA meeting with my AH - I had been attending Al-Anon for about 3 months & he & I were dating - working on trying to save our relationship. That same woman from the rehab came up to introduce herself to me.
She did not recognize me!!!!
Just 3 months in the program & I had changed that much!!
Today, I am that wonderful lady's Al-Anon sponsor!!
That, my friends, is truly the miracle of the changes that can happen when recovery & your HP get to be in charge. All I have to do is ask for the willingness to follow my HP's plan for my life.
This is an awesome thread - thanks for starting it & thanks for letting me share,
Rita
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Good afternoon all,
What impacts me the very most is that I don't put the cart in front of the horse. My awfulizing has decreased to an all time low. (TY H.P.)
Even now, if the phone should ring in the middle of the night, most of the time, I can assume it's a wrong number, and not trouble at the other end.
I credit the approach of surrender, and accepting there is nothing I can do to "fix" anything, other than me, anyhow.
Thanks Ann, I sure needed this today....
What impacts me the very most is that I don't put the cart in front of the horse. My awfulizing has decreased to an all time low. (TY H.P.)
Even now, if the phone should ring in the middle of the night, most of the time, I can assume it's a wrong number, and not trouble at the other end.
I credit the approach of surrender, and accepting there is nothing I can do to "fix" anything, other than me, anyhow.
Thanks Ann, I sure needed this today....
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Wow Ann....what a great post and what a great question....I'm glad I popped in today.
I've made so much progress but I also have much more to work on too. It's like the progress I made are slowly graduating into life long changes. But they're not quite there yet. Alas....I am my own hinderance.
There are three life changes I made that has not been compromised by anything or anyone including myself....."The belief that I deserve more out of life than living the life that I had with an active addict. The belief that thinking about and doing for myself and making decisions that benefit me even though it may not benefit someone else is neither selfish nor wrong. And the third is....As much as friends and family mean well, my life should be lived according to my decisions not according to how others say I should live it therefore I should own my decisions and the benefits/consequences that may follow after.
I live for me now and not for others.
I've made so much progress but I also have much more to work on too. It's like the progress I made are slowly graduating into life long changes. But they're not quite there yet. Alas....I am my own hinderance.
There are three life changes I made that has not been compromised by anything or anyone including myself....."The belief that I deserve more out of life than living the life that I had with an active addict. The belief that thinking about and doing for myself and making decisions that benefit me even though it may not benefit someone else is neither selfish nor wrong. And the third is....As much as friends and family mean well, my life should be lived according to my decisions not according to how others say I should live it therefore I should own my decisions and the benefits/consequences that may follow after.
I live for me now and not for others.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
My codependency let me walk right into hell with him and my recovery gave me the courage to crawl back out. I couldn't bring him with me, each person has to find their own way out, but I could hold my candle of hope and pray he saw the light and headed in that direction.
I am getting closer to the light every day, it is hard, but so much better than where I was! You quote says it all!
susan
I am getting closer to the light every day, it is hard, but so much better than where I was! You quote says it all!
susan
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by cece1960
At first that hurt, but in time I realized that I needed to stop relying on others for my happiness, or more importantly for my emotional health.
Originally Posted by Japic05
That, my friends, is truly the miracle of the changes that can happen when recovery & your HP get to be in charge. All I have to do is ask for the willingness to follow my HP's plan for my life.
Originally Posted by mooselips
I credit the approach of surrender, and accepting there is nothing I can do to "fix" anything, other than me, anyhow.
Originally Posted by cupicake
As much as friends and family mean well, my life should be lived according to my decisions not according to how others say I should live it therefore I should own my decisions and the benefits/consequences that may follow after.
I live for me now and not for others.
I live for me now and not for others.
Originally Posted by caileesnana
I am getting closer to the light every day, it is hard, but so much better than where I was!
Great responses, gang, this post is giving me a lift today that I wasn't expecting. I began just sharing my thoughts on change but your replies have reminded me how important each of these changes are.
There was a time in my recovery, right after I got my 9 month chip, that I thought of giving up. Nothing seemed to be working and the resistance from others to accepting my changes was wearing me down...then I remembered, it's not about them and what they think of me, it's about me and how I treat myself. I have never looked back since then.
Hugs
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