Easeful

Sorry, computer crashed and only part of this got posted last night, here's the rest of the post.....

My 20 year old son has been smoking marijuana since he was 15. He's done other drugs, but I don't know how much or when. He was clean from May - Aug and started smoking again when he returned to the University.

Anyway, I had pressed him to explain the large amounts of cash he's going through, he gave more or less lame excuses. I told him we had to have a budget and there'd be no more money transferred until one was in place and if he ran out of money before he ran out of month, I would be sad for him.

He came home for the first time this semester this past weekend. I didn't raise either the drug use or the money. Not my problem, he knows the next move is his. He initiated a conversation in which he admitted to smoking heavily again. He's quit again (or so he says) and he's asked me if he can go to the library with me once a week.

I use a major library in his University town (2 hours away) about twice a month although my goal has always been to be there once a week. So he wants us to have lunch once a week and then spend 4-5 hours at the library. It actually works out well for me as I'll have someone who can watch my laptop while I go to get more materials, potty break, etc. He says the stability of seeing me once a week will help him stay on track. And he says the structure of the study time will help him keep his grades up. Does this sound like enabling to anyone?

At this age, I'd rather he provide his own structure but still I really enjoy his company and lunch once a week sounds nice to me. Moms?

caileesnana

It sounds ok to me. Spending a couple of hours w/ your son weekly or monthly is not enabling. If he is sly like my daughter and setting you up for the kill, you will recognize it. Hopefully, he is sincere in his words and actions and knows/wants his mothers company and influence.

As I've been told over and over, do what you can live with--it's different for us all. I personally try not to do anything she should/could do for herself, make life easy anymore, but I'm still her mom and love her. I send her cards, etc even sent her a new pair of khacki's for work just because I wanted too! I try to be 'detached with love', but learn something new every day!

Keep us posted and know you are in my prayers and thoughts, your son too!
my best,
susan

BrokenBridges24

No... Not to me. So go for it. Let us know how it goes...

-Broken

cece

I think anytime you can spend quality time is a good thing! Detaching doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. everyone has different boundaries depending on the Addict and what is going on. I am glad your son knows he is having a problem with Pot and knows he needs to stay away from it. Pot is hard for the kids who struggle with needing to use it, because everyone around them thinks its okay, and its everywhere on campus. Many college partyiers are replacing heavy drinking with heavy pot use because they think its having less of an affect on their schooling. But although a loud obnoxious or passed out drunk is more obvious then a heavy stoned night, there are many effects that are hurting them. It just seems to creep up slower.
my son does turn to me also when he is struggling, ( not like now where he is in full-blown Pot addiction) and I always found it hard to find the right "Hat" to wear. He finds it easier to be sober when he is living with me, and was coming home when he decided he needed to get it together, and then would leave when he decided he didn't need it anymore. but I know he needs to be able to police himself. I told him its not my job anymore. I am finding out now that It is better when I LISTEN and let him work it out.
Although I am learning not to lecture, (waste of time) it doesn't mean I'm not a Mom. So if he talks about it I might ask a question and try to see if he has any answers yet for himself. but mostly I am enjoying my son when he acts like my son, ignoring him or disengaging myself when he doesn't. He is beginning to get it, that i am finding my place and am letting him find his. We just keep loving our boys! I am sure if you trust yourself you'll see if anything else is needed.

rahsue

Oh no that sounds positively wonderful to me. Oh how I wish my son would want to spend time with me like that.

cece1960

For me, the only thing that would prevent me from participating would be the fear that "I" would get my hopes up that it would result in some sort of change in him (or my feelings hurt if he didn't come through)
Other than that, it sounds like a great way to spend the day.

Not enabling should not result in punishment for the addict. I had to be very careful when I was making decisions that I was not arranging punishment and consequences...that was not mine to tend to. Not spending time with my son when the reason is not due to it hurting me, borders too close to punishment to me.

Enjoy your library time!
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Easeful

Thanks Cece, all of the responses have been great, but yours touches on the piece of this that I was trying to sort out. I was feeling like I should refuse to go because I disapprove of his recent behavior.

parentrecovers

i think it sounds like a great outing, go! hugs, k

BigSis

What I had to do was to stop having expectations about outcomes.

Perhaps you can go into this as just a lunch. This week.

Then see what next week brings.

I love spending time with my kids - but if they are using, I can see it and that hurts. At that point, I would refuse to meet them.

((hugs))

pjbs55

Easeful,
I feel it is great that your son wants to spend time with you, I wish mine would. Do what you feel is best for you, go with an open mind and don't think of any pay backs except to have lunch and some study time. You love your son, so spend time with him. One question I would ask myself is would I spend time with someone else to have lunch and study time? If you have another child would you do it for them? If the answer is yes than do it.
Enjoy your lunch and time with him, let us know how things go.
Hugs to you

greeteachday

Easeful...A recovery tool that has helped me a lot dealing with addiction and with life in general has been motivation checks. It was an eye opener for me to realize if I looked hard enough that I had hidden agendas in my actions sometimes...Heck I hid them from myself...I guess that helped me feel more justified. Once I started motivation checks, it really helped me in deciding what I found acceptable. Sometimes I was trying to control recovery...sometimes trying to control the outcome...sometimes trying to avoid drama or conflict...and sometimes just doing things out of love or because I truly wanted too. When I looked at my motiviation it helped me determine my action.

Isn't it great how bouncing things off in here can help to clarify our own thoughts and motives? Hugs

Easeful

Your comments on motivation gave me something to think about. My primary motivation is that I truely enjoy spending time with my son. When he's sober he's fascinating to talk to and be around.

Another thought that I had was, "Is it right for me to go along with his wanting to spend time with me in order to stay clean?" But then I thought, if he wanted to go swimming or hiking instead of smoking would I go along with that?

I'm alson trying very hard to let go of outcomes. When he came up with this idea, I told him I'd be happy to take him with me, but that he's the one who has to do this thing. I fight my own demons and he must fight his.

Off to the library.......

And thanks to everyone for the prayers. It's so wonderful to have a place where everyone understands. Alanon is like that too, but it's a 45 minute drive, y'all are right here.