Sigh

I am trying to make a collection of information for my friend that is struggling with her son's addiction. I understand that cat'sPJ's carries such information right in her purse! I use to have my own collection of things to read and reread, mostly gathered right here at SR but I lost it all in a computer crash. It was a HUGE file..err perhaps that's why my computer crashed!

What is the one thing you read, or the one thing that someone said to you that turned a key for you to greater understanding?


There was one thing that I liked and that was the letter-if you love me let me fall

One comment made to me eons ago was

"Sigh, what makes you think he can't handle his own recovery, look at all he does and is capable of doing to maintain his addiction"

another was:

"Sigh, when we do things for them we are also saying I don't think you are capable of doing this yourself."

Would you share..what helps you?


thanks,
sigh

marle

My favorite was the story of the bridge, where we cross over to the other side and we can wait for those in the darkness to cross over to the light but we can't make them come over. It was posted by someone not too long ago. Ann probably knows that one. Then there is always "Let go and Let God". That always helps me to know who is in charge and makes me feel that she is being protected in God's loving arms. Hugs, Marle

caseyshare

My favourite piece to carry around with me (in case of a codie emergency) is an Al-Anon bookmark titled "Just For Today". It focuses completely on me, rather than my addicts or anyone else, and only one one day. Sometimes a day is more than I can face, so I look at it in the context of the next minute or hour. It's very small in size but huge in helpfulness.

Spiritual Seeker

My biggest lesson is to continually take my own inventory instead of anyone elses
Change myself if I need to and don't think I can change anyone else

caileesnana

I first heard of it here. Then whe I started meetings, one of the other parents suggested making "note cards" w/ 3 C's. I made several, posted them at work and at home. I'm very visual, and it reminds me everytime I happen to glance at it.
Prayers for your friend, it is harder than you can imagine!
susan:praying

mooselips

Ohhh, I have to choose just a FEW????
What a dilemma!

Here's a couple:

THE 3 G’s
Give up
Get out of the way
Go to a meeting

Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.


Enabling is doing all the wrong things for the right reasons



Hugs,

havehope

The three C's also had a huge impact on me at first. That helped me so much. I kept repeating that over and over until I got it.
Also, some one told me "You are loving your daughter to death". enough said.
Terri

Elana

Stop letting his problem rent so much space in YOUR head. It is space you need for you and your thoughts and actions on how to take care of yourself.

deedee

The first three steps in a nutshell ...

I can't
He can
I will let Him

Ann

This reading from Language of Letting Go, is a page I have worn out more than once in my books. It is the one reading that "got through" to me when I really really needed something to get through.

INTO ORBIT

It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.
--Codependent No More

I think I can change him. Nobody’s ever really loved and appreciated him before. I’ll be the one to do that, and then he’ll change...She’s never been with anybody trustworthy before. I’ll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she’ll be able to love... . Nobody’s been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I’ll be the one to do that... Nobody’s ever really given him a chance... Nobody’s ever really believed in him before...

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we’re thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone’s life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be fore someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won’t work. It’ll make us crazy. We can trust that. We’re not seeing things clearly. Something’s going on with us.

It will be self-defeating.

We may be “the one” all right – the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him.... Nobody has seen what I see in her.... It’s a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from out path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough.... Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do.... It’s a rescue. It’s a game move, a game we don’t have to play. We don’t have to prove we’re the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they’re the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or “the one who will.”

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

historyteach

Sigh;

There's been so many, it's hard to say.
But, here's two that are, hands down, winners in my recovery book.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ight=Awakening

I know there are many many more. As I find them/ think of them, I'll post more.

Shalom, friend...

greeteachday

Dear Son,

It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.

Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.

BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home

BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer

BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail

BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer

BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences

BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…

And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.


And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.


I love you more than you can ever know,

Mom

greeteachday

Letting Go

My recovery is tough.
I don't have to give up a drink or substance.
But I have to give up my very nature.
I am a caregiver. Its what I do.
To help you, I have to quit helping you

greeteachday

Language of Letting Go - Sept. 30
Not a Victim
You are not a victim.

How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization.

Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us!

Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn't run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. . . .

You've got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we've had such hard times. . ..

Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork. . . .

I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances.

Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows.
Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind.

We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims.

We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations.
We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility.

Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim responsibility for yourself!
And learn to enjoy what's good.

Today, I will refuse to think, talk, speak, or act like a victim. Instead, I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what's good and right in my life.

greeteachday

Expectations are premeditated resentments

Hangin' In

I'm like Moose, there are sooooooooo many.

Resentment: Me drinking poison expecting it to kill you.

Favorite lines to use when trying to deal with the addicted:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"That may work for you but it doesn't work for me."
"Sounds like you're having a bad day."
"You know you could be right. I'll have to think about that."
"I'm always willing to do what is in your best interest."

And the short and sweet one to use after they whine, complain, blame, beg, and whine some more:

"Bummer!"

BigSis

"That won't work for me."

My favorite (from Ann) -

The difference between a bad day and good day? ... about two days (and sometimes, far less).


The 3 Cs

The 4 Ms (don't monitor, mother, manipulate or martyr)

A good mother doesn't steal from her children their opportunity to learn a life lesson.



((hugs)) Good to see you, Sigh.

CatsPajamas

Wow Greet, I think I was the one who wrote the Dear Son letter... gave me goose bumps to see it again.

"He's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it."

I have been known to carry Jon's letter "What addicts do."

I usually have a copy of "Just For Today" with me.

And if you PM me with your email address, I 'll send you more good stuff from the Cat's PJ's archives.

Sigh

:ghug thanks so much everyone!

HKAngel24

Sigh-

Thanks for starting this thread !! It was help to all of us I think. I did some cutting and pasting myself.

I carry different things with me. I use to carry 'What addicts do' but have since replaced it with other things - they are usually emails I've received from someone who is bluntly telling me to STAY IN MY OWN SANDBOX and stop trying to "lure" someone into recovery.

Something lately that has helped me alot is:

"Your addict has his own higher power to look out for him and YOU'RE NOT IT!"