Afraid 2 let go

Yes Devastated, I know EXACTLY what you mean. Yet, the way I feel about it is this.....I would rather he had cheated on me than done crack. I could fight a woman and win!! I've yet to figure out how you win with drugs

Afraid 2 let go

Just a short update.....I have noticed something and wonder if this has happened to any of you and what you may have thought when it happened. Last year when hubby decided to give it up for good (or so I thought, until last Friday), he wanted to talk about it, and what made him do it, and was very open about it all. After our talks for a few days, he stayed clean for 14 months. Now on the other hand, we talked about it last Friday night when it happened, and a little about it last Saturday, but nothing really since then. Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it. Says it was stupid, and that he hates himself for it. He doesn't want the subject brought up, and gets ill when it is brought up. Says he's not thinking about it, and wishes I wouldn't mention it. This makes me wonder.....if he was willing to be so open about it last year and stay clean for 14 months, then what does his shutting down about it this time mean??

Thank you all for your stories, your prayers, and your advice.

HUGS!!
JEN

GiveLove

Jen,

This is a good question to ask HIM....gently and without judgment, if you can. The way you'd ask a friend. You may want to wait a few days.

He is doubtless very, very ashamed. Shame is a huge part of addiction.

Hang in there, lady

Hugs,
GL

Afraid 2 let go

Thank you GiveLove. I actually asked him that question at lunch today. His reply was that he knew he screwed up, he hated himself for it and that talking about it doesn't help, it just makes him madder at himself. Although I have wondered about the answer to this question for days, I did wait to ask him. Seems to me that if it wasn't for arguing with him about it, I should bring it up daily, then maybe the madder and madder he gets at himself the more determined he will be not to do it again. Then again, it could backfire on me . Anyway, thanks for your reply.

HUGS!!
JEN

Afraid 2 let go

Anvil, I know what you're saying. That's what he says to me that he hates that Sh*t, and all I can keep asking in my mind is if he hates it so bad, and he sees what it's doing to his marriage, his health, his home.....then why go back to it?? That's the part I've yet to understand Hopefully as a recovering crack addict you can help me with alot of my questions. I've never done this and honestly don't know the hold it can have on you, because I've never experienced it personally.

Thanks for your reply.

HUGS!!
JEN

Spinner-007

"His family says I have made DRASTIC changes in him in the last 2 years. I guess considering that they never knew where he was (he roamed the US), if he was dead or alive, and the fact that he was doing drugs "probably" daily.....I guess I have helped to turn his life around some."

Afraid, that's part of the problem. YOU helped turn HIS life around. But what about YOUR life? What's YOUR reward? Like all care givers, you will tend to lose ALOT of sleep, have higher levels of stress, an increased chance of heart disease, and potentially a shorter life span now.

I go back and forth on this because alot of times it comes down to givers and takers. I'm also new to addiction and I'm still going through the throws of this.

There are some people who will continuously take and there are those who will continue to keep giving.

Maybe I'm just tired(sleep wise), and maybe I'm just REALLY tired of seeing a lot of good people here who are really hurting because of their loved one's addiction.

And maybe I'm just scared because I see me in you, and I don't want 14 months of hoping, wanting and believing to be washed away because of somebody else's caving in to a compulsive act.

I so fu**ing hate drugs...

My best wishes to you, and everyone else here...

Afraid 2 let go

Anvil, THANK YOU MUCH for explaining the way it works to me. I still have a question though.....were the voices of your family and all who loved you ever louder than the voice of crack?? And when you heard the voices of your family, and the ones who love you did it stop you or did you do it anyway?? Maybe that question sounds stupid, but I need to know.

Well for this mornings update.....last night we watched a couple movies together, and was doing great UNTIL he walks up to me with a roach and asked if I minded if he smoked it. Well, yes I minded!! That wasn't "our" agreement last Friday night when "we" decided NO MORE weed and NO MORE crack!! And this is exactly what I told him. He says "I haven't went out looking for any, or bought any in the last week. I just happened to find that in my drawer, and didn't think it was that big of a deal". To which I said "Yea, it's that big of a deal when you had an agreement with me and NONE means NONE. If you're TRULY stopping the drugs then you don't even need that, even if it is "just a roach"!!". I slept on the couch last night, after we argued for hours. This morning we talked a bit more. I found out that the only reason (According to him) that he admitted last Friday night that he has a problem, needs help and is an addict is "Because I made him do it". Although I don't see how asking him "You screwed this up, so how do YOU intend to fix it this time??", was MAKING him do anything. His reply that night was "You take me to work, you control all the money, I need help". When I asked why he thought he needed help, HE SAID.....because I'm an addict. How did I "MAKE" him say those words?? Either way, I told him this morning that I realize now that he was just saying whatever it took to keep us together another day, or what he thought I wanted to hear.....whichever way you want to put it. Also, we talked about the counseling that he "wanted" and said he "needed" last Friday night. He says now "I've been to counseling before, and all it is is a bunch of stories about how everyone else did drugs,why they did them and a bunch of BS". I asked him if his heart was in it?? Did he go on his own, or was he made to go?? His reply....."A couple times I went with friends who invited me, a few times was court appointed and a few times was on my own, and yes my heart was in it". I told him apparently it wasn't in it enough. He says he'll go to counseling again if that's what I want. I told him it doesn't need to be what I want, but what he KNOWS HE NEEDS!! He told me that I'm taking this website way too seriously. I said "Why is that?? Because I'm trying to educate myself on the mind of an addict and how to deal with you??".

Anvil, he also told me about the "voices" last year when he screwed up for 6 months. Now when I mention the "voices" to him he says "They're not literal voices, that's just a metaphor, and you're taking the "Voices" thing way to serious". I told him I wouldn't know about the voices, I'm only going by what HE told me himself. He actually explained it the EXACT same way you did to me, almost word for word. Yet, I'M taking the voices thing too serious!! Ooooo.k All morning I've heard about how broken down his body is, which was his way of explaining "I NEED the drugs!!". Says he can't keep doing his job with his body in the shape it's in without SOMETHING. Although I have kept him supplied in pain pills, which he said was ALL he needed. Of course that was last Friday, when he was saying ANYTHING it took. I suggested this morning that he apply for disability, which would also give him health insurance. Nope, he can't do that because it would hurt his pride to admit he's not able to work anymore. Although he DID apply years ago before we met, and was denied. I see this as yet another attempt to make his drugs his only choice. With disablity and insurance he would have NO excuse to do drugs!! I am TRULY disabled and have been for 14 years, yet I have never turned to illegal drugs to "fix" my pain. I hurt EVERYDAY of my life, and won't even take the pain pills my doctor gives me. I have learned to MANAGE my pain because I don't like that high feeling from the pain pills. According to him, he CAN'T manage his, it is just excruciating, and if I hurt like he does I would be in bed crying everyday. HELLO!! I have degenerative disc disease, my freaking spine is deteriorating.....I hurt like hell, BELIEVE THAT!! Yet, I MANAGE IT!! I'm SICK and TIRED of all his EXCUSES to do drugs. My ONLY choice is to go find some kind of job that I can handle, no matter how bad I hurt and put him out!! Atleast my nerves would get better that way. I CAN'T control HIM, I CAN'T MAKE HIM "WANT" to help himself. Sometimes I wish I had never even met him!! It's very hard for me when I realize that I gave up a Deputy Sheriff (that I was dating before him) for a crackhead/junkie. Suppose I'M the one who needs the help obviously!!

I'm sorry for venting so much in this message. I just needed it so bad. Thank you everyone for everything you've tried to do to help me!!

BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL!!
JEN

Spinner-007

Jen, this is definately the place to vent, so feel free to open up anytime here, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week(I thank God for the internet and this site since finding out about my wife's addiction).

I found that talking to wife while she was on the junk and trying to 'handle it' on her own was like talking to no one. Everything out of her mouth was lies, attempts to throw guilt to justify, to gain pity, yakety yak yak yak, whatever. Heck, I had better communication breakthroughs driving down the road all by myself while screaming at her at the top of my lungs while NOT being on the cell phone! (I don't think I'm the ONLY one that does that!)

If she did not look for and get treatment, the boundary for her would be to leave us. And that's a tough call for me because we have 3 small children, and we never used day care before, and I don't make alot of money. It still is what it is, and I won't subject my kids or myself to that for anything.

Anvil said it best: it's a hunger that over-rides all else. An addict can't be reasoned with, and they doesn't have any other concerns or purpose but to feed. Until HE/SHE decides enough is enough(and quite a few die before ever reaching that point).

Anvil is also 100% dead on the money about this: Nothing changes if nothing changes. (I'm seriously thinking about getting that made for a bumper sticker!).

I sincerly hope things change for the best for you, Jen. May God bless you and give you better days!