Elana

XABF is gone one year today. He still owes me money and I have taken the (likely worthless) effort to remind him of this.

I have come a long way in a year. I have a ways to go yet, but I can tell you that NOT having the addict around surely speeds up the business of recovery. Knowing the Addict is NOT coming back and the separation is complete makes this go forward at Rocket Speeds!

In the year I started out so hurt and confused. I blamed myself and hated me for not being "good enough." I berated myself (those posts were thankfully lost in the Great Website Overhaul and Crash). I hated myself.

However, once I started to work recovery and to LISTEN to myself I realized that I would NEVER allow someone else to say the things about me I was saying to myself.. and I was on the path in that moment. It was a great gift of me to ME.

When I found out that Steve had been cheating for months I turned to anger and that anger boosted my recovery ahead again. It was a catharsis. However, knowing he had been cheating on me made me feel violated and dirty. I still harbor those feelings today, but not every minute of every day and time is working on this.

Today I still have anger tho I can let it go, which is progress. I realize that I need do nothing to get vengence, although there are times when I still want it. That is one of the works in progress... and I now recognize it which is progress in and of itself. It has been getting better. Time will take care of CSteve.. he is over weight, has had a heart attack, has blood pressure and cholesterol problems and an upper heart arrhythmia.. and he smokes pot and does a line of coke here and there as $$ permits... I need no vengence. Time will take care of him. I have more urgent business.... the business of living my life well.

I have taken care of me more than ever in the last 6 months. I have lost weight. I regularly exercise. I am 1/2 way to my goal weight. I eat a healthy diet and I think about it when I eat. I got a dog and a kitten and with the 4 cats I have a nice family.

I have also moved outside of me and made some new friends and acquaintances in the Stock Dog and Agility dog training area. I am having fun and these folks are normies (as normal as dog people can be...), for the most part (tho all are co dependent to their dogs!!!). I am very busy and have been spending some time on my house.

Through all of this year I have gained perspective. I realize I am a work in progress and I will never be perfect. I do what I can and see my mistakes. My mistakes, which used to devestate me, are simply learning opportunities. I am no longer devestated. I now have confidence. I make mistakes but so do other people. Life goes on.

I have gained strength and insight as to who I am. This year, for its sad start, has been one of the best I have ever had. The sad start was required for me to go forward.

I do have only one regret.. and that is that it took me so many years to arrive at this point today. I am glad for many of my life's experiences and I have done a lot and experienced a lot (outside of my experiences with addicts). I am grateful for that. I just wish I had come to this day much sooner.. much younger.

So, today I need to do a few photo edits and deliver a CD of working with the Sheep and Stock Dogs and then I need to get up to the farm and unload hay. I have been unloading hay since I was 13 years old. I have come full circle and today is a good day.

Just wanted to share this with my Friends here at SR, who have helped me get to this point. Thank you.

rahsue

I'm so very happy for your,
You are an inspiration.

Congratulations

Impurrfect

Elana - You're awesome!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

CatsPajamas

Elana,

Your post is a shining example of the process of letting go and also of life on the other side. I remember when you were first here, and your posts were filled with anger and pain... and NOW look at you! I enjoy reading your posts as they are honest and straightforward. You have a terrific way with words and share from the heart.

Thanks for allowing us to be a part of your recovery journey. I'm confident that your story will continue to be an inspiration for others who are new here.

Hugs and love
Cats

havehope

(((Elana)))
Thanks so much for your post. You have some such a long way in one year. Isn't it funny that when we think our world is coming to an end because of someone else, we can choose to make it work out for the good. You are a great example of the progress that we can all make. Congrats on coming so far and thanks again for your sharing.
Terri

helpus

Elana, I wish you could see the smile on my face. I am so happy for you. All you hard work paid off..your awesome !

Ann

Elana, your post is representative of how well recovery works, no matter how wounded we may be coming in.

You've come a long way, baby, as they say, and the best is yet to come.

Thanks for sharing this with us. If I were a newcomer walking in, I'd want what you have.

Hugs

Lovestoomuch

((Elana))

I'm so proud to call you one of my dearest friends. You've come such a long way and I'm so glad we could get through all that we've been through together. Life does go on but it's so much nicer when you have friends to share it with.

Elana

It would be good if I could learn to spell devAstated......

Just got done unloading that 700 bales of hay. I haven't done this work in 8 years and I wondered if I could do it. You know.. at 43 the things you can do are different sometimes than what you can do at 51.

But I feel really good. Not only did I do the job, I still stacked the hay really well and kept up with the two young kids (late teens early 20's) with NO PROBLEM. these were nice solid bales of good second cutting grass and clover mix hay. Very nice.

This is a confidence builder for the physical me. I have another 500 bales to deal with tomorrow and I am not concerned in the least!

kj21

Thanks so much for sharing. You are an insperation! I always njoy your posts!

greeteachday

Elana, Your post beautifully reflects the growth I've seen in you over this year. Thank you for taking the time to share your story...I know it is a great light of hope for all of us. Thanks for all you give back here too; I always find meaning in what you share and I love the special occassions when you post some of your beautiful photography.

Unloading hay....it's been 2 or 3 years for me...I remember that great feeling of accomplishment though...The one thing I don't miss is the crazy rash I would get wherever hay got between clothing and me

hope213

i also see you shining. you have come a long way & i am glad you came here & have shared so much with us. keep on keeping on.

Elana

You know.. what I am really grateful for is all of you. Without you I never woudl ahve gotten this far. God knows I would have been in real trouble by now. God knew and intervened. That is what I believe.

Fact is God TRIED to intervene a long time b4 this happened but I was stubborn and did no listen. Thank goodness you guys here got me going on listening better.

crrogers22

elana -

for those of us unfamiliar with your story, can you tell us how you managed to disengage from your boyfriend?

thanks

Elana

Hi crrogers22!

My BF and I were together, not living together, for 5 years. We decided to find a house together and move in, which we did. I had to buy the house because he had no credit and a low paying job. This was a huge red Flag I chose to ignore. I chose to think if I helped him out financially and gave him a platform from which to start he could launch into the rest of his life and be successful.

Instead, I SHOULD have noted that if a guy was mostly unemployed for 3 years at age 50, he was likely a loser and there was likely a reason for it. Instead I chose to believe he was merely down on his luck (3 yeaars? can you spell codie? can you spell obsession and not love???).

Anyway, we moved in together and 8 months later his Mom passed away. Two months after that he inherited about $20,000 dollars. Nice amount of money to have but not a lot of money. He owed the IRS, State Taxation and many others. This $30k would have cleaned his slate. Of course, because he had no money and now he had all of this, he felt he was really rolling in it. A new car could ahve easily wiped it out.. so it wasn't a lot of money.

Instead he chose to hide the money by buying gold. Another Red Flag (no amends).

Thru all this I had no idea he was a drug addict and active. He said he had been addicted to freebasing coke years b4 but had kicked it. He smoked a pipe. He was a photographer. Those things were his side of the street and I did not go there (other than to learn photography).

After he got the $$ from his Mother's Estate, he started to act sort of "funny." I can't put my finger on it, but my gut told me to quit trusting him. If I had followed my Gut I would have had a PI follow him.. that is how mistrustful he was behaving.

He claimed to be working for another photographer on the weekends.. "Bob." Well, he had a credit card with a low credit limit on it that I got for him. My credit, my responsibility and his name on the card. I got a bill one day and one of those nights he was supposedly staying with "bob" and working there was a bill for a Super 8 motel. I asked about it and he accused me of checking his bills. I told him this was my credit and I kept an eye on it (and I would and I did and would have no matter WHO had it). Anyway, he came up with a story (lie) and said, "You know me better than that, I think." Well, my gut told me he was lying AND cheating. Always Always ALWAYS trust your GUT.

A couple of months went by. We were planning a trip to Montana. He suddenly announced he "wasn't happy" and was going to stay out west when we went out there. HUH!???? I told him since I had no kidea WHEN he was going to abandon me on this trip that I thought it best if the trip got cancelled altogether and I should have stuck to that plan! He convinced me to go on the trip.. more money out...

We got back and, due to his padding his time card and goofing off at work, they had little for him to do at his job. He was making NO money and was not paying his agreed share of the house expenses. He announced he was moving out.

Considering all my gut feelings, I gave him a deadline of October 15, 2006. I wept. I cried. I blamed me. I kept my hand on my wallet. He paid off the credit card I had given him. The minute they received the check I cancelled the card. I waited two days to tell him (so the $$ would be out of his bank) and he was furious. He had paid me nothing in expenses in (now) two months, so I cancelled the second phone line and the expanded cable TV channels. He had a fit..

I figured if the SOB was moving out, I wasn't making it nice to live here anymore. Nutz to him.

This house is huge. It has 5 bedrooms and 3 full baths. With all that space he had some room in the downstairs that he kept locked. I assumed he had photogear in there. One day when he actually had work, the door was unlocked and I went in ther. I discovered the remnants of a GROW ROOM. Now the huge electric use from the previous year was obvious. I also realized why the "tobacco" he used in his pipe smelled a little different. I had no idea.. I had never been around Pot.

The SOB was growing pot in my house and, now, the anger over losing the 2nd line became obvious.. he had no way for his dealers to get hold of him.

You know.. I have always worked hard. I have earned every last thing I have in this world. No one ever gave me a thing. I had a good job and had recently gotten promoted and they had to pull strings to do it because I hadn't worked for the place long enough to get a promotion. I owned the house. I owned the car and the little Pick Up he used. I worked every day.

and, while I was doing that this useless jerk was putting all of it, including MY FREEDOM, at risk by doing felonious activity in MY HOUSE without my knowledge. I was furious. He could not GET OUT soon enough at that point.

.. and a month after he got out I found out the truth of the GF and still I was in denial..

..until a few months later when a mutual acquaintance spilled the beans. He had been cheating on me practically from the day we moved in together. I got tested for STD's and I thank God I came back clean.

Well, he lost his job (he blames me, but he was already gone from there b4 I spoke with his co worker). He padded his time sheet, spent hours playing on the internet and did as little as possible at work.. and what he did he did poorly.. and then business slowed down so he got laid off (with no recall). His job performance was not my fault, but he blames me cuz that is what addicts do.

He lied to me (and I have zero tolerance for being lied to). He used illegal drugs in my home and could have cost me EVERYTHING. He cheated on me. Trust me, in the face of all these things, detachment was NO problem.

At this point I cannot really understand why anyone would keeep a person in their life who lies, cheats, steals from them and puts them at risk of being a felony accessory to their illegal drug use. That is not taking care of yourself and that is not love.. that is pure obsessive co dependence at its best.

As a result of all this, I detached. He moved out and I have seen him once since. We ceased all contact in March of 2007. Lack of contact has been the catalyst to final detachment.

I still have anger and that I need to work on.

When I let the anger go some and relax I know Time will take care of him. Someday he will go to jail or he will die of old age or he will have another heart attack or someone will kill him over drugs or the IRS will put him in Federal prison. I can let go of the anger knowing that time will deal with him and, when it does, he is likely to be on the wrong side of the Chasm of eternal life.

Meanwhile, my advice to anyone out there.. IF your BF or your spouse LIES to you, CHEATS on you, RISKS YOUR WELL BEING AND FREEDOM by using illegal drugs around you, in your car or in your home, KICK HIM TO THE CURB. Putting yourself at risk and hurtingyourself emotionally by having a liar and a chaet and a drug user around is NOT LOVE.

Will it hurt to kick 'em to the curb? Probably. Will you live thru the pain? Yes. Will you see better days? ABSOLUTELY and if you stick to it, you will never be in this pain again.

Ann

Elana, although I have walked with you as all this unfolded, seeing it here as one story is an awesome tribute to your courage and strength and recovery.

Perhaps give thought to putting this on the "My Story forum", it would be a good learning thread to read for any newcomer heading this way.

Thanks for all you do, for sharing your light with us, and for just being you because "you" are a wonderful person.

Huge Hugs of Gratitude

Elana

I copied and pasted it there, Ann. there is one error tho and I could not correct it. He inherited $30,000 not $20,000.. but the amount isn't the heart of the story.

The heart of the story isn't realy him at all. The heart of the story is me and my experience and where I am today.

CBrown

What a wonderful share. Truly an inspiration to myself and I thank you. Two things you said spoke to me:

"I berated myself (those posts were thankfully lost in the Great Website Overhaul and Crash). " Your HP at work ... ?

"I need no vengence. Time will take care of him." I have gone through waves of this. I looked for any way to trip up my XABF. All failed, and he "seems" unable to be held accountable. But after each "defeat" I thought to myself .... HE is going to bring himself down faster and more thoroughly than I or anyone else ever could. It's sad, and I realize now that I don't want him brought down, I do wish him well. What he has done to his own life is sickening. His silly "I'll show her" moves are laughable as they really haven't hurt me in the least and make him look like the jaw-dropping lunatic he has become.

"At this point I cannot really understand why anyone would keeep a person in their life who lies, cheats, steals from them and puts them at risk of being a felony accessory to their illegal drug use. That is not taking care of yourself and that is not love.. that is pure obsessive co dependence at its best." Agreed. I don't know of any felonies my XABF has committed, but he and his cronies are definitely at risk. All I have to do is remember R's horrific past, and it's enough for me to say "not in MY life, not in my daughter's life, not in my friends' life!"

Hangin' In

Elana, you are a wonderful example of recovery. I thank you for sharing your life with us.

Hugs,
Hangin' In