Dealing with outside friends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Dealing with outside friends
Good Morning all --
Recently I have begun attending more Al-Anon meetings than usual. The insanity and lack of control I have been feeling has driven me there out of sheer hopelessness. For me feeling less alone in this whole thing aids me greatly in seeing my situation in a different light.
Weekends are always very difficult for me as I do not have many close friends in the area and those I do have are interested in partying. I like to go and visit my parents in my hometown which is about an hour away from where I live, but when I am not doing that and I spend a weekend in my apartment I find I isolate, become very obsessive and in my head. So I went to an Al-Anon meeting Friday night and Saturday and Sunday mornings because it was the healthiest thing I could do for myself. I met with one of my best friends who also lives in the area and enjoys the nightlife. Since I'm not entirely into that, we usually have lunch or brunch on Saturday or Sunday. Yesterday was a late lunch and when I revealed to her that I had gone to meetings each day that week she responded with, "Heather, don't you think that's becoming a bit obsessive."
That really stung. I've had difficulties expressing my situation to my friends in general who do not understand the painfulness of it and who find it hard to relate to the flicker of self-worth I have left. I wasn't quite sure how to respond after that to her, as I had attempted to explain the basis of the program to her and the structure behind it for purely informational purposes.
It may be in my head that she judges me, but I've had a problem with feeling this way since this situation began. She experienced a horrific situation with an ex-boyfriend a few years earlier, when I was single and independent and my life resembled something orderly. Now we have switched roles and at times I feel very inferior to her in terms of my sense of self and lack of organization in my life.
She has a well paying, stable job while I am still struggling to finish my undergrad and floundering around. I know I am envious of where she is at, but I also do sense this weakness she sees in me for being in this situation to begin with. It's difficult for me not to judge her in turn for judging me, if that makes sense. Prior to me seeking my own recovery for my eating disorder, I was viewed as the "sick girl" in which my friends often handled me with kid gloves. I always felt categorized by weak in terms of that until I finally sought recovery and found a new way to define myself.
Just wanting to know if anyone else has dealt with this situation. It makes me want to push her away. I've stopped turning to her and crying with the same old sob story because I knew it was getting old. I feel angry about the situation in general and in the past year or so have sensed this developing sense of perfectionism and "being in control" of her life. I love her and do not want to feel resentful, but I'm not quite sure how to assert myself or my methods of coping.
Recently I have begun attending more Al-Anon meetings than usual. The insanity and lack of control I have been feeling has driven me there out of sheer hopelessness. For me feeling less alone in this whole thing aids me greatly in seeing my situation in a different light.
Weekends are always very difficult for me as I do not have many close friends in the area and those I do have are interested in partying. I like to go and visit my parents in my hometown which is about an hour away from where I live, but when I am not doing that and I spend a weekend in my apartment I find I isolate, become very obsessive and in my head. So I went to an Al-Anon meeting Friday night and Saturday and Sunday mornings because it was the healthiest thing I could do for myself. I met with one of my best friends who also lives in the area and enjoys the nightlife. Since I'm not entirely into that, we usually have lunch or brunch on Saturday or Sunday. Yesterday was a late lunch and when I revealed to her that I had gone to meetings each day that week she responded with, "Heather, don't you think that's becoming a bit obsessive."
That really stung. I've had difficulties expressing my situation to my friends in general who do not understand the painfulness of it and who find it hard to relate to the flicker of self-worth I have left. I wasn't quite sure how to respond after that to her, as I had attempted to explain the basis of the program to her and the structure behind it for purely informational purposes.
It may be in my head that she judges me, but I've had a problem with feeling this way since this situation began. She experienced a horrific situation with an ex-boyfriend a few years earlier, when I was single and independent and my life resembled something orderly. Now we have switched roles and at times I feel very inferior to her in terms of my sense of self and lack of organization in my life.
She has a well paying, stable job while I am still struggling to finish my undergrad and floundering around. I know I am envious of where she is at, but I also do sense this weakness she sees in me for being in this situation to begin with. It's difficult for me not to judge her in turn for judging me, if that makes sense. Prior to me seeking my own recovery for my eating disorder, I was viewed as the "sick girl" in which my friends often handled me with kid gloves. I always felt categorized by weak in terms of that until I finally sought recovery and found a new way to define myself.
Just wanting to know if anyone else has dealt with this situation. It makes me want to push her away. I've stopped turning to her and crying with the same old sob story because I knew it was getting old. I feel angry about the situation in general and in the past year or so have sensed this developing sense of perfectionism and "being in control" of her life. I love her and do not want to feel resentful, but I'm not quite sure how to assert myself or my methods of coping.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Heather, we refer to people whose lives have not been affected by addiction as earth people. They just don't understand or get it that our recovery is vital, life affirming, healing and life saving. I say the more meetings the better.
Hoooorayyyy for you.
As for your friend's comment, I suggest you take the high road, consider the source,
realize she has no way of understanding and let it go. This is a safe place to talk about how her comment affected you. We understand and care.
As the mother of an A, I've heard everthing from the family is to blame to how can you stand "those" meetings, aren't they depressing? I was very sensitive to such comments in early recovery and learned the best way to cope with earth people was
to mentally detach, walk away if necessary, change the subject and take care of me. My new alanon friends
guided me and reminded me I had the tool of detachment in my new tool box. I had only to pick it up and use it and it worked beautifully for me.
Resentment harms only you. You are wise not wanting to resent your friend. Love and enjoy her. Share with her what you feel comfortable sharing. It's okay to tell a good friend I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable discussing this ( whatever it may be) at this time. I love you and I'm so happy we have so many
other things to share and talk about.
Your recovery is shining Heather.
Hugs
Hoooorayyyy for you.
As for your friend's comment, I suggest you take the high road, consider the source,
realize she has no way of understanding and let it go. This is a safe place to talk about how her comment affected you. We understand and care.
As the mother of an A, I've heard everthing from the family is to blame to how can you stand "those" meetings, aren't they depressing? I was very sensitive to such comments in early recovery and learned the best way to cope with earth people was
to mentally detach, walk away if necessary, change the subject and take care of me. My new alanon friends
guided me and reminded me I had the tool of detachment in my new tool box. I had only to pick it up and use it and it worked beautifully for me. Resentment harms only you. You are wise not wanting to resent your friend. Love and enjoy her. Share with her what you feel comfortable sharing. It's okay to tell a good friend I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable discussing this ( whatever it may be) at this time. I love you and I'm so happy we have so many
other things to share and talk about.
Your recovery is shining Heather.
Hugs
Last edited by frankie_b; 10-08-2007 at 08:29 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there Heather 
Good for you!!! That's exactly what meetings are for.
Sounds to me like she means well. However, she is not a professional health care worker so she is speaking out of ignorance.
You said she enjoys the nightlife? Well then put it in a different context. What if you had just survived lung cancer, had just gone thru a nightmare surgery, and decided you're going to stay out of places where you could pick up second hand smoke and maybe move to the country where the air is cleaner. Then a friend of yours, who happens to be a light smoker, asks you if maybe that's becoming a bit obsessive?
You don't _have_ to explain anything to anybody. _You_ know what is healthy for you and you have every right to make those decision for yourself. If other people don't understand.... well so what? _Their_ understanding or not understanding does not make a bit of difference in what's healthy for _you_.
Resentments arise from unmet expectations. Are you expecting your friend to validate your need for mental health? If that is the case then perhaps you might want to look at why you are looking for _her_ to validate your needs instead of validating those needs _yourself_.
whadya think?
Mike
Originally Posted by HKAngel24 
... I have begun attending more Al-Anon meetings than usual. The insanity and lack of control I have been feeling has driven me there out of sheer hopelessness....
Originally Posted by HKAngel24
... she responded with, "Heather, don't you think that's becoming a bit obsessive."...
You said she enjoys the nightlife? Well then put it in a different context. What if you had just survived lung cancer, had just gone thru a nightmare surgery, and decided you're going to stay out of places where you could pick up second hand smoke and maybe move to the country where the air is cleaner. Then a friend of yours, who happens to be a light smoker, asks you if maybe that's becoming a bit obsessive?
Originally Posted by HKAngel24
... I've had difficulties expressing my situation to my friends in general who do not understand the painfulness of it...
Originally Posted by HKAngel24
... I love her and do not want to feel resentful, but I'm not quite sure how to assert myself or my methods of coping ...
whadya think?
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Howard County, Maryland
Posts: 25
I'm having the same problem, but with my own parents! They say horrible things about my husband, even when they ask about what is going on, his new sober house he's living in, his outpatient treatment, etc - they'll cut me off and then say mean and hateful things - even "why on earth would someone even START a sober house?" The owner and his wife are great people and filling a much needed need in our county - and my mother degrades it and says if no one opens such houses, the addicts will stay away. And this house is for people with longer clean time, jobs and transportation. I jsut don't get it. And they make me feel like a big failure - they treat me almost as if I were the addict. I've done nothing but try to be a good person.
Anyway...enough about me. I think only you know what is best for you and if meetings every day is what you need, then do so. I'm so sorry you feel inferior but you shouldn't. You should feel good about yourself - you have the courage to reach out for help. Many do not.
((HUGS)) to you!
Anyway...enough about me. I think only you know what is best for you and if meetings every day is what you need, then do so. I'm so sorry you feel inferior but you shouldn't. You should feel good about yourself - you have the courage to reach out for help. Many do not.
((HUGS)) to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thanks everyone for your responses.
I have felt so low these past months and so lost that anytime something threatens to chip away at that - just a little- I cling to it, because for me, right now, that is survival.
I suppose I am afraid of looking like an alien to her. (There really isn't any doubt that I have poor mental health and need help -- this is a given I have always looked to these friends who have known me for nearly 18 years and grown up with me- not to validate my decisions or personal choices but, to express their opinion. Usually their point of views are always accepting and compassionate, but I feel this situation brings up issues they are not comfortable with and so there is a different reaction. And it's a worthless effort to try to explain. I've gotten to the point of just simply telling them that a situation such as this is very unique and unless you have been in it you cannot really understand it.
But I think I am putting too much emphasis on what others think or whether or not they agree with what I've been doing or will continue to do. Definitely a symptom of my low self esteem.
I have felt so low these past months and so lost that anytime something threatens to chip away at that - just a little- I cling to it, because for me, right now, that is survival.
I suppose I am afraid of looking like an alien to her. (There really isn't any doubt that I have poor mental health and need help -- this is a given
I have always looked to these friends who have known me for nearly 18 years and grown up with me- not to validate my decisions or personal choices but, to express their opinion. Usually their point of views are always accepting and compassionate, but I feel this situation brings up issues they are not comfortable with and so there is a different reaction. And it's a worthless effort to try to explain. I've gotten to the point of just simply telling them that a situation such as this is very unique and unless you have been in it you cannot really understand it.But I think I am putting too much emphasis on what others think or whether or not they agree with what I've been doing or will continue to do. Definitely a symptom of my low self esteem.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Heather))
when others ask me why I go to those meetings, how can that help, what's the big deal, and on and on - all the questions from those who don't understand -
I am working on practicing the principles of the program - To show them love, understanding and healthy compassion - to recognize that they can't understand something they have not experienced.
Even tho we all have been affected by alcoholism/addiction - here at SR we even deal with things differently -
So how can someone who hasn't dealt with those types of problems understand how much I need my own recovery? Most of the time they can't.
So I try to say when asked those types of questions "Thanks for your concern, but this is working wonderfully for me." and then I change the subject.
No use trying to explain any further -
Just what works for me.
Wishing you Serenity & joy,
Rita
when others ask me why I go to those meetings, how can that help, what's the big deal, and on and on - all the questions from those who don't understand -
I am working on practicing the principles of the program - To show them love, understanding and healthy compassion - to recognize that they can't understand something they have not experienced.
Even tho we all have been affected by alcoholism/addiction - here at SR we even deal with things differently -
So how can someone who hasn't dealt with those types of problems understand how much I need my own recovery? Most of the time they can't.
So I try to say when asked those types of questions "Thanks for your concern, but this is working wonderfully for me." and then I change the subject.
No use trying to explain any further -
Just what works for me.
Wishing you Serenity & joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
I really think if someone hasn't walked a mile in our shoes they can can't possibly know how much we need the meetings and this forum. Her response was out of ignorance not to hurt you I thnk! Hugs Heather, keep doing what YOU need to do!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
They can not understand it because they are not in it. They are outside of the box. They are like us in the fact that they see us hurting and say dumb things trying to help when it really makes us worse… like we get into trying to help our a’s when we should just keep our hands off. I do not think your friend was trying to be mean. I think she did not know what to say. She sees you hurting and she knows how it is effecting you so she made a quick comment. I think when she said that is excessive you should have said you think? Maybe one time you can come with me and see what it is all about. Maybe then you would understand it better. You should do something that makes you happy Heather. Do you have a hobby that you like to do? Get more involved in something that takes your mind off of the negative. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself. I really would not spend anymore time worrying over this. I do not think she meant it quite the way it came out. You should call her and discuss it and ask her to a meeting with you.
Much love,
Broken
Much love,
Broken
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: TN
Posts: 55
You know, I had to turn one of my girlfriends down THREE TIMES this weekend to go out. She kept texting me, asking me to go out Friday and Saturday. I completely understand what you're talking about. I want to be with my daughter, or go to meetings, or read my book about addiction, not out clubbing, and ignoring the whole thing. I'm just not into that right now.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Hope you meet some new friends in Al-Anon very soon. Friends you can count on. Friends who will love you as you are. Have you considered church? I would seek a church that has a mission of helping real people in real life situations. My church does. And, as a bonus, they have a pretty big singles group. Again, more people who will love you just as you are. And, a lot of these churches are focusing on recovery type issues. Been most helpful to me.
I am 47 and have a good friend I have known since we were 15. I have had to distance myself from her these past few years. It was tough at first, but I am much more peaceful without the negativity.
Peace to you!
I am 47 and have a good friend I have known since we were 15. I have had to distance myself from her these past few years. It was tough at first, but I am much more peaceful without the negativity.
Peace to you!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Earth people will never "get" that our meetings help us enormously and that our sanity may depend on finding and working a program that helps us keep our balance. There is nothing "wrong" or negative about it...meetings are wonderful ways to learn better ways to live.
My best friend was like that, asking me how long I "had" to go to meetings until I was done. She didn't understand the life change until one day she asked me how I had become so content and peaceful with my life (we call it serenity on planet codie).
I have learned to share only with those who understand. That includes sharing about my son's addiction and about my own recovery. I don't hesitate to simply say "That's too personal to discuss" when people press me for details.
Friendships change over time. A few will last a lifetime, no matter what our lives may bring us...those are the friendships I treasure most because those are the friends who accept me for who I am, as I do with them. Others will come and go, but each brings it's own lessons and gifts that remain with us long after the friendship has faded.
Just be yourself, be proud of who you are even if it does not meet the expectations of others. "To thine own self be true" is a saying of this program, and as you grow in your recovery it will become clearer how precious those words are.
Hugs
My best friend was like that, asking me how long I "had" to go to meetings until I was done. She didn't understand the life change until one day she asked me how I had become so content and peaceful with my life (we call it serenity on planet codie).
I have learned to share only with those who understand. That includes sharing about my son's addiction and about my own recovery. I don't hesitate to simply say "That's too personal to discuss" when people press me for details.
Friendships change over time. A few will last a lifetime, no matter what our lives may bring us...those are the friendships I treasure most because those are the friends who accept me for who I am, as I do with them. Others will come and go, but each brings it's own lessons and gifts that remain with us long after the friendship has faded.
Just be yourself, be proud of who you are even if it does not meet the expectations of others. "To thine own self be true" is a saying of this program, and as you grow in your recovery it will become clearer how precious those words are.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
(( heather))
Before recovery, I used to seek out those "earth people" friends so they could tell me what to do or tell me how strong they thought I was.... I was the one with the ongoing drama and I'm a good story teller, so they would all listen with rapt attention as though I was narrating some weekly TV drama. In a way it helped me as I was able to put some of into words, but overall it was just yukky. I was so desperate for someone to HEAR me and to understand how painful my life was... maybe even to rescue me from it because I wasn't yet strong enough to rescue myself.
Once I found a program of recovery, I realized that I had to put some old friendships "on hold". Strong opinions, ignorance about recovery, lots of well meaning but misguided advice - all of those things were NOT helpful to me.
I crammed in as many meetings as I could. For some of us, 90 meetings in 90 days is the perfect start! I didn't do that many, but often I did meetings on weekends as you did.
Ultimately, I made some really good and strong friendships with other people in recovery. They "get" me, and they understand the language I speak now. They don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do - they share their experience, strength and hope with me. They don't tell me how I should FEEL, as they realize that feelings are just feelings, not facts, and that feelings aren't right or wrong - they just ARE.
I have maintained some of my old friendships, but with new boundaries. Others have slowly gone away. NOW when I'm at a low point, I seek out recovery friends and more meetings. That's what helps me the most.
Hugs
Cats
Before recovery, I used to seek out those "earth people" friends so they could tell me what to do or tell me how strong they thought I was.... I was the one with the ongoing drama and I'm a good story teller, so they would all listen with rapt attention as though I was narrating some weekly TV drama. In a way it helped me as I was able to put some of into words, but overall it was just yukky. I was so desperate for someone to HEAR me and to understand how painful my life was... maybe even to rescue me from it because I wasn't yet strong enough to rescue myself.
Once I found a program of recovery, I realized that I had to put some old friendships "on hold". Strong opinions, ignorance about recovery, lots of well meaning but misguided advice - all of those things were NOT helpful to me.
I crammed in as many meetings as I could. For some of us, 90 meetings in 90 days is the perfect start! I didn't do that many, but often I did meetings on weekends as you did.
Ultimately, I made some really good and strong friendships with other people in recovery. They "get" me, and they understand the language I speak now. They don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do - they share their experience, strength and hope with me. They don't tell me how I should FEEL, as they realize that feelings are just feelings, not facts, and that feelings aren't right or wrong - they just ARE.
I have maintained some of my old friendships, but with new boundaries. Others have slowly gone away. NOW when I'm at a low point, I seek out recovery friends and more meetings. That's what helps me the most.
Hugs
Cats
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