Easeful

I was reading about boundaries on another thread. One in particular struck me, "I don't allow anyone using into my home." My question is "how do you tell?"

This seems to be a gap in my abilities, maybe it comes from being raised by people who were constantly under the influence of alcohol. I have friends who say they can look at someone and tell. But I've been in meetings were the police were called to remove someone who was drunk and I was clueless right up until the knives came out.

I feel like from what I've learned in alanon in the past that I'm not supposed to be searching through their stuff, or following them around, etc. So what do I go on?

Thanks,

Elana

I think we do the best we can on this. I do not allow smoking or drugs into my home but then I am VERY selective on who comes in the door in the first place. Can we always tell? No.

I guess the way I look at it is this.. if you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas.. and I don't hang with alcohol or drug abusers (that I know of). Certainly they are not using when I am around them and my gut is not giving me signals.

When my XABF was moving out and I discovered the whole drug thing I decided to get educated.. and I have. I also decided he could not be gone soon enough. I gave him a deadline and he made the deadline with 2 days to spare. I told him the door only swung one way on this issue.. and not to let it hit him while he was going out it!

How can I tell? Usually pretty quickly these days.. they talk and make little sense (but then it could be argued that sometimes my elderly Father talks and makes little sense! and gosh.. I turn on the news in my house and IT makes little sense.. but those arguments truly are looking at the trees and missing the forest). Sometimes you can tell by an odor and sometimes by the way they act physically. Usually your gut says something is not right. Usually you figure this out way before they are allowed in the house nd before they are friends.

The bottom line, for me, is being selective about the people I meet and deciding whether or not they would become friends and would be welcome in my home.

FWIW I live alone so I have ultimate and 100% control over who comes and goes.

caileesnana

Hi,
With my daughter it was her behavior. It didn't match w/ the words (lies) coming out of her mouth! Looking back, if I thought she was using, I was right every time when she got honest.

Go w/ your gut feeling, and if in doubt....

CatsPajamas

It's a learning process, at least it was for me. I have to agree with the others, go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

sherryb1010

I couldn't tell for the past several months that my hubby was using. Now I know the look. I look back at photos and wonder why I didn't notice it.

rahsue

all of the above are absolutely correct, behavior, stories that don't match up, look in there eyes, theres an array of theings you can find if you look for them.

Ann

I could tell by the eyes, the behaviour and his actions....like not being where he said he was going to be.

Let me add...I was the one who decided if I felt he was using, I didn't have to have "proof". I maybe couldn't always tell (lucky him) but if my gut was screaming at me, that was good enough "proof" for me.

I also had a curfew, 11 pm sharp. I didn't care that he was an adult...the curfew was about ME getting enough sleep at night. Again, he could live in my home if he respected my boundaries and he knew if he didn't I would love him just as much living any place else. Also, missed curfew meant clothes on the porch. There was no coming back in the morning if curfew was missed. A missed curfew meant "move out".

Sounds harsh, maybe, but my sanity was worth all the pain enforcing a boundary gave me. My home is my safe place, my place of peace. Period.

Hugs

hello-kitty

For my boundaries, In addition to the no using in my house I included no strange behavior indicative of using. I knew that he would lie his ass off about using and I probably wouldn't ever catch him in the act, but the behavior thing was subjective and it was my boundary.

I will not allow someone to act strange in my house or in away that makes me uncomfortable. That person will be asked to leave.

I will not allow someone to be disrespectful to me.

I will not allow drug use or SUSPECTED drug use in my house.

Does that help?

cinderellawkids

I like that good point, suspected, sometimes they stay seemingly under the influence when they arent really and that counts too

BTW how my husband speaks, tone ect is a good indication for me, ifts just different

bboop

If the addict is your child or teenager u should be looking for signs in their stuff, their eyes, the way they talk, walk, etc. I did and was able to get him in a program. That was 10 years ago and my son is a happy, well-adjusted adult now. But that's not why I'm on this website. Now it's a different matter.

marle

It is just a really yucky feeling I get when my daughter is high around me. (I have since decided that I picked up the radar as a young child dealing with an alcoholic father.) She does not live with me. That is my boundary. But I can always tell because she is an opiate user and she will be sickeningly sweet and kind of whiny. Also will nod off if she sits down. Hugs, Marle

raerae6

You can't always tell unless you know how that particular person acts when their high plus it depends on the drug.

Dialated pupils are an indicator of drugs a lot of times...at least for acid, extasy, and crack/coke. Speedy drugs can make a person really sweaty and they may be very thirsty.

ncdeac

I could always tell because when my AH was using crazy and bizarre things happened in our life that would not otherwise happen. He stopped coming home, always needed money and had "things just happen". It's hard to really put into words, but I just knew. My AH would also scream out in his sleep if he had recently been using. That was always a dead give away for him, but I know that isn't the case for everyone.

My best advice is to look for the little things, attitude changes, money disapperaing, accountability issues, blaming others for their troubles, sleep habits, weight changes (my AH lost about 50 pounds so fast) and most of all listen to your instincts. They are usually right on target.

catecicc

For me, my biggest trigger to know he was using again was......................ME.

I just knew and 99.99% I was right. When you love someone so much whether it be your significant other, child, friend etc. I feel you develop such a bond with that individual that part of them (especially for Codependent individuals such as myself) grows in you. You almost develop a sixth sense….one you defninitely DON’T want to have.

Saron03

I lived with my AGF for almost a year before I noticed her isolation and self loathing but I never put it together. I took it as a sign of something I did to make her unhappy (big mistake) and I worked even harder every day to make her more happy. Look for changes in attitude. If they aren't the same person they used to be, there is probably a good (actually bad) reason.

Don't get the wool pulled over your eyes and pretend nothing is wrong, confront your A or you will only get hurt worse.

Jwife22

I just knew.....little things would be different. I also agree 100% with Ann........it doesn't require proof.

If I felt like something wasn't right, that was enough for me. Addicts quack......they'll not tell you the truth of whether they are using or not...