Elana

Twenty seven years ago today I got married. It was a rainy fall day and the leaves were yellow on the lawn outside the church. I had a bouquet of daisies and yellow roses.

I will never forget the thrill I had every time I looked at my husband or the overwhelming love I felt. The day was an absolute blur.. and the wedding very small to keep the costs down. I totally believed and trusted that our life together would be until death do us part. He was sober and had been for 10 years.. fact is I never knew he was an alcoholic until much later on.

Today I look at the time that has passed and at how many of the players are no longer living. He is gone as are both his parents and the man who introduced us passed away last year. so many changes and so much time in 27 years but then again it went so fast. Today I can say with absolute clarity that my one wedding will forever be my only wedding. I cannot see me walking down the aisle again at this age and compromising my financial well being shoud things not work out.

While my experience has placed me here today I have come to some serious thoughts precipitated by this anniversary.

The first thought is how much I have changed and how most of that ME change with regard to relationships has occured in the last year since XABF left. I am more aware of who I am than I ever have been, warts and all!

The second thought is how much at peace I am today compared to then.. or even last year.. by working on recovery and becoming self aware of my strengths and my codie flaws. I can now recognize those flaws and face them insted of running away and hiding from them in some overblown idea of "love" (which is more sick obsession than real open love!).

The last thought has to do with where I am today and what I need to work on. I have stated many times I do not want another relationship with a man as I do not want to disturb my peace or compromise the things I want or want to do. That is true. It is 50% of the reason.

However, I also recognize something else in this. I am not so much against men. I am not sure I can have a healthy relationship. Every other relationship I have had (and there aren't that many) I have lost my heart and myself in the other person.. caring for them, trying to make the world better for them, not doing the things I like if they don't like those things.. Ya know.. all that codie crap we do. I never ever again want to come into a relationship where I lose myself in another human being. so that is my flaw and, for now, I avoid relationships for fear of what happens to me, by my own hand, when I meet someone I like etc. So, that is my work for the future, should I choose to take it on (and it is my choice!).

Today I feel at peace with myself and I really enjoy that feeling. I want to hold on to it forever!

caileesnana

You are an inspiration to me! Thanks for the post.
susan

Elana

arrgh....

Impurrfect

Elana -

I always get SO much from your posts.

I, too, have only chosen relationships where my codie self could thrive. Today, even though I'm making good decisions in other areas of my life, I don't trust myself to make a wise decision as far as men go.

I've just decided that right now I need to do more work on me. You, and others hered, confirm that no relationship will complete me. If it happens, it will happen when I'm healthy enough to take care of me WITHOUT a man. For right now, I'm avoiding anything stronger than friendships.

Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone in how I feel!

Amy

Ann

No matter what life brings you, Elana, you will always have that. The secret is to keep it shining and polished and you do that well every day.

Thank you for sharing this personal part of your life today. As always you inspire me with how well you take care of yourself.

Hugs

GiveLove

I shared your fears, Elana. I never wanted to get into another long term relationship again, simply on the basis of every (lousy) choice I'd made before.

And I may get back to that place some day, who knows. We can't control others. Maybe the current one will also turn out to be terrible. I don't give much thought to that, for the same reason you mention --

Today I feel at peace with myself and I really enjoy that feeling. I want to hold on to it forever. And so I will, no matter who I'm with, no matter what happens around me. I'll work for it and fight for it and do whatever it takes to maintain this space where I can live a good life.

Today, all is well. Tomorrow, things might be good or might be bumpy, but I have this compass that will lead me back to here. You and I can't UNLEARN what we've learned about ourselves, our needs, and our boundaries. The genie's out of the bottle -- I can't stuff him back in there.

We will be okay.

Love
GL

Elana

May the bottle be small and the Genie eating every day at McD's while he is out!!!!!!