brokenwing

My AH is still MIA, today is day 14, I am starting to fear the worst possible outcome. The last time we talked was last weekend and I hung up on him because he was high and wanted to see our daughter which I refused. I told him then.. that I was done and he was on his own. Now I fear that he has given up hope and will continue using until he's in a coma of something worse. He has gone before on long binges with the longest being 11 days. Tomorrow will be day 15.
I am confused as what to do or what not to do. I dont want to be an enabler but if something should happen.. I know that I will have great guilt over not calling him and leaving a message of hope or something to get him to snap out of it and to not give up. I know the guilt he goes through after a relapse. HE cant be thinking clearly and knowing he has no family to come home too is maybe to much for him. I am lost and dont know what to do. I read on another board about a woman who couldnt live with the guilt of losing her husband and child to her addiction and that is scarring me right now. I dont thik I could ever stop asking myself 'what if"
So lost and scared for him right now.
Brokenwing

liesagain

theres nothing you can do to stop him no matter what he choses to do. It's hard the sitting waiting and worry but honestly all you can really do is pray know that you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it.
This is on him and hopefully he will find recovery for himself soon.

However I am a firm believer that WE must do what we feel is right, that doesnt mean you have to accept the behavior or enable it but if you feel you must make calls for his safety then do it...........whatever you need to do for YOUR peace and your sanity..............((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))) ))))))))))

I hope you get news that hes safe soon.

hope213

broken, it is not your fault whatever the out come of this is. it is not your fault, keep repeating it. he is just out there somewhere.when he comes down you will be the first one he calls.the more he uses, the longer they stay m.i.a. i will say a special prayer for him & i will also pray for you. keep the focus on yourself.hugs, hope

brokenwing

Liesagain, thankyou for your post. Your right I had to do what I felt was right. I just left a message for my AH on his cell phone. I basically told him that I did not hate him but I hated the disease and that I hope God watches over him and he can find the strength to get out of this dark place that he's in...
I fell better having left the message. I would hate for him to leave this world thinking that I hated him. I could not bare that.
So now, I turn it over to God.

Thankyou Anvil and Hope, I keep telling myself that its not my fault and he is where he is by his own choices, but I have to wonder if I shouldn't have said anything to him..within hours of just coming back from a binge.

brokenwing

Thankyou Happysoul, I have been reading and reading threads all over the place..its like I want to know whats going to happen the waiting and worrying is the worst thing imaginable. As I am sure I dont have to tell any of yous. That is why I love this site so much. I just dont know how I could have made it without all of the support from you wonderful people.
It seems with each day he is missing the harder it is getting for me.
I know I have to take it one day at a time, but right now its more like one hr at a time.
I know I will handle whatever I need to, when the time comes, as soon as this binge is over. I just wish it would end.

liesagain

hang in there............
I'm glad that you are able to place your call then let it go.............I had a hard time with that one...............I couldnt eat, sleep or think straight...........
stick around ................we're here if you need someone to listen

Elana

All wise words b4 mine here and probably said better.

The thing with guilt is it is self imposed. You have done nothing to be guilty of.

Have your words EVER done ANYTHING to prevent his future use? Words used on an active addict when they are high go somewhere, but not into the addict's head.

You cannot save your addict or change the course of events. He is on his own and he is in the hands of his Higher Power. Thinking that you can, or could have, done anything to save him, change these events or whatever outcome happens is taking on God's work.

While I believe those of us in recovery are tremendously strong as individuals or as a group.. we are amazingly powerful.. we STILL HAVE NO POWER OVER THE ADDICT OR WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM. That is God's work and God is STILL more powerful than all of us.

Take care of you. That is your job. That is what your God or HP wants you to do.

Let God or his HP take care of him, regardless of the outcome.

Wascally Wabbit

brokenwing, I remember how my children's father would always threaten to kill himself. He had me terrified all the time.
Well, he never did. I learned it was a control tactic for him to keep me in a state of fear.

He is doing this to himself. It is not your fault what so ever. We can not control what others do to themselves.
Try to rest your mind with an activity. Do yoga, or meditate.
Breath in Peace and breath out fear.
I hope you feel better soon.

BigSis

I am glad you were able to leave a message, I know it makes you feel better. But, as you know, if there were ANY words that could make an active addict stop, we would post them in letters ten miles high.... (((hugs)))

My prayers that you hear from him soon.

marle

It really is true that you will never have the words to make him want to quit. That is something that has to come from within him. Just as using has nothing to do with you. It comes from within him. Believe me if words could get an addict to quit, my daughter would be in recovery right now. I still say the words because you never know when hope will take flight within the addict and bring them to a better place. I do end every conversation with my daughter with an "I love you" and I try not to let her see the anger I feel at the disease. I don't want her to leave this world thinking I don't love her. Keep doing what you are doing. Once we start to feel pity for the addict then we are an easy mark for enabling behavior. Let your child's welfare come first and lead you and you can't go wrong. Hugs, Marle

internalpeace23

I am guilty of going on a missing spree for about 2 nights at most. I only now realize the
anguish I caused my loved ones. Unfortunately, I was too ashamed and guilty to face speaking to anyone of them on the phone. Everyone is right here, that the addict has no one to blame but themselves and help will only be sought out when that person is truly ready.
What worked for me on those occassions were text messages from my mother's friend. I received messages that were quotes that motivated me to snap out of my addictive ways and return back to the real world. At the time, I had no idea where the messages were coming from.

caileesnana

you and yours are in my prayers,
susan

historyteach

(((Brokenwing)))

My thoughts and prayers are with him...
And with you.

I hope you can get to a meeting soon.
Get a sponsor and work the steps.
It helps.

Shalom!

bubbie

Brokenwing ,I'm very new at this site don;t even know how I got here.I've been where you are,so many times,but its concerning my 36yr.old son.This last time,he relapsed he was "out there" for over two weeks,without a phone call,the most horrible thoughts came to me,I can't begin to tell you,although I know that I am not at all responsible for his actions,I was scared to death.I put everything,into GOD'S hands,and prayed like I never had before,it eased my mind that only GOD was going to be in control,I didn't have to, I tried but until I let go of that,I couldnt go on,I asked GOD finally please just let the police pick him up, let him go to jail,if that was GOD'S will for my son.Two days later he called me from jail,I had given it over,and GOD heard my heart felt prayers.I Just thought I would share this with you, I know what you are feeling.I will Pray for your husband that he is safe and I pray for you.MY son also is a father to three teenage daughters,my daughter-in-lawjust recently divorced him after twenty years,but prays for him every night,GOD LOVE and BLESS you