Setting boundries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
Setting boundries
I have read over and over that I should have some boundries set into place and stick by them. I wanted my boundries to be about ME and my children, what we could loose if we dont set them. So setting them also plays part in taking care of me right??
We had a great talk and I explained all of this to him, he took it well and told me he understands and is grateful for this chance to make things right.
Here they are -
1. Because you took my car to buy drugs, you no longer can use it. (Not my problem your truck is broken and the money to fix it you spent on drugs.)
2. Because you took my bank card to the ATM to withdrawl my money to buy drugs, you are no longer allowed to use it. If you drain your business account, thats on you, - my money has to be there to take care of our children, I cannot count on your money because you have proven to be unaccountable.
3. Because you have come home under the influence of drugs and alchohol and spent time with our children - caring for a newborn baby less than a week old, like you were fine - you are not allowed to be alone with them.
and most importantly -
If you relapse again, you will go to rehab, if this means loosing your business so be it. Its your choice - if you do not want to go, our relationship will be over, you will need to leave our home forever, your relationship with your baby and my older children will be over. Chances are without my help - the business will be lost anyways.
So, am I being too harsh? I just read so much on these board of people who hold on and end up getting hurt over and over again, not to mention the kids. I am 26 and I still hurt from being let down as a child by my dad - I refuse to let that happen to my baby girl. I owe her that, she has kept me on track the past 3 weeks.
I really feel like he wants this, I know he wants this. He talks to his sponsor everyday, they meet for breakfast a couple mornings a week, he hits up meetings almost every night and takes the baby to church. (The one hour a week he gets to take her out of my sight) He has 20 days, I try to tell him I'm proud of him everyday for getting through the day before.
As for me, I am trying so hard to have an entire good day. I just have these meltdowns where everything hits me like a ton of bricks - my mind fills with hurt, anger, and negative thoughts. Sometimes it last an hour, sometimes the entire next day. My friend is very worried this is throwing me into major depression or causing postpartum depression. I dont really know anything about either, I feel like in time it will get better. I am getting in some alanon meetings online, face to face isnt really an option right now with my rule of not leaving the kids with him. I soak up as many posts from other people hoping over time it will all get easier. Im trying not to worry about going back to work in a month. I tell myself I have plenty of time to worry about that later, just have a good day today. The reality is, if I'm still not ready to leave the kids with him - they will have to go to daycare. My 8 wk. old baby in daycare?? I wont even be able to get the better daycares because some nights I dont get out until 7, and they are only open til 6. BUT - Im not thinking about it today - Im saving it, I have a month!
We had a great talk and I explained all of this to him, he took it well and told me he understands and is grateful for this chance to make things right.
Here they are -
1. Because you took my car to buy drugs, you no longer can use it. (Not my problem your truck is broken and the money to fix it you spent on drugs.)
2. Because you took my bank card to the ATM to withdrawl my money to buy drugs, you are no longer allowed to use it. If you drain your business account, thats on you, - my money has to be there to take care of our children, I cannot count on your money because you have proven to be unaccountable.
3. Because you have come home under the influence of drugs and alchohol and spent time with our children - caring for a newborn baby less than a week old, like you were fine - you are not allowed to be alone with them.
and most importantly -
If you relapse again, you will go to rehab, if this means loosing your business so be it. Its your choice - if you do not want to go, our relationship will be over, you will need to leave our home forever, your relationship with your baby and my older children will be over. Chances are without my help - the business will be lost anyways.
So, am I being too harsh? I just read so much on these board of people who hold on and end up getting hurt over and over again, not to mention the kids. I am 26 and I still hurt from being let down as a child by my dad - I refuse to let that happen to my baby girl. I owe her that, she has kept me on track the past 3 weeks.
I really feel like he wants this, I know he wants this. He talks to his sponsor everyday, they meet for breakfast a couple mornings a week, he hits up meetings almost every night and takes the baby to church. (The one hour a week he gets to take her out of my sight) He has 20 days, I try to tell him I'm proud of him everyday for getting through the day before.
As for me, I am trying so hard to have an entire good day. I just have these meltdowns where everything hits me like a ton of bricks - my mind fills with hurt, anger, and negative thoughts. Sometimes it last an hour, sometimes the entire next day. My friend is very worried this is throwing me into major depression or causing postpartum depression. I dont really know anything about either, I feel like in time it will get better. I am getting in some alanon meetings online, face to face isnt really an option right now with my rule of not leaving the kids with him. I soak up as many posts from other people hoping over time it will all get easier. Im trying not to worry about going back to work in a month. I tell myself I have plenty of time to worry about that later, just have a good day today. The reality is, if I'm still not ready to leave the kids with him - they will have to go to daycare. My 8 wk. old baby in daycare?? I wont even be able to get the better daycares because some nights I dont get out until 7, and they are only open til 6. BUT - Im not thinking about it today - Im saving it, I have a month!
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((madona))
I think your boundaries are great. I wish I had that strength and forsite to place those boundaries in my life with an addict. Instead, I went down a path of pain for years before I finely hit my bottom.
Sending you Hugs and Prayers
B
I think your boundaries are great. I wish I had that strength and forsite to place those boundaries in my life with an addict. Instead, I went down a path of pain for years before I finely hit my bottom.
Sending you Hugs and Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I think you did a great job w/ the boundries. The hard part is enforcing them, or they mean nothing! The addict will pick up on any weakness about a boundry quick and use it to their advantage. Stick to you guns.:uzi2:
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
Your boundaries are fantastic. It's great to see someone consider the health and welfare of their kids (and themselves) instead of complaining about their addict. I know it can be hard, but you are doing exactly what you need to for you and your kids.
LH
LH
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
Those are great boundaries, what really counts is that you know they are meant to protect you and your child rather than control the addict.
I've seen much harsher boundaries meant to make the addict feel their consequences, and often that leads to trouble.
Before I finally understood the boundaries were for me and my kids, I think I threw him out of the house several times a week. lol
I kept doing it thinking "He'll get it now.." until finally one day it clicked.. I didn't CARE if he got it that time.. I was done." and his stuff never came back into the house again.
I've seen much harsher boundaries meant to make the addict feel their consequences, and often that leads to trouble.
Before I finally understood the boundaries were for me and my kids, I think I threw him out of the house several times a week. lol
I kept doing it thinking "He'll get it now.." until finally one day it clicked.. I didn't CARE if he got it that time.. I was done." and his stuff never came back into the house again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I think you have come up with good consequences for behaviors. I'm not sure those are really boundaries since boundaries are supposed to be about your own behavior, not someone elses. However, I completely understand where you are coming from and think you are right on the money.
Someone sent me this example once of boundaries and they changed my life. I hope they can help someone reading this post:
What are boundaries?
One possible answer is the setting of limits for yourself.
Example: We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for people. We need to set limits on what we will allow people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries. It will help them and us. This is not to suggest we become tyrants or absolutely inflexible. But we can understand our own limits and, as we grow and change, we may want to change our boundaries. Examples of boundaries common to codependents who are recovering:
1. I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
2. I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
3. I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.
4. I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.
5. I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse or their or their irresponsible behavior.
6. I will not finance a person s alcoholism or other irresponsible behavior.
7. I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism, addiction, compulsions, and obsessions.
8. I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics.
9. If you want to act crazy, that s your business, but you can t do it in front of me.
Either you will leave or I will walk away.
10. You can spoil your fun, your day, your life - that s your business. But I won t let
you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.
11. I will set a special boundary if I feel it s necessary to a particular relationship.
12. I will set up boundaries, and in doing so, I will make sure they are my own
boundaries.
Someone sent me this example once of boundaries and they changed my life. I hope they can help someone reading this post:
What are boundaries?
One possible answer is the setting of limits for yourself.
Example: We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for people. We need to set limits on what we will allow people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries. It will help them and us. This is not to suggest we become tyrants or absolutely inflexible. But we can understand our own limits and, as we grow and change, we may want to change our boundaries. Examples of boundaries common to codependents who are recovering:
1. I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
2. I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
3. I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.
4. I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.
5. I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse or their or their irresponsible behavior.
6. I will not finance a person s alcoholism or other irresponsible behavior.
7. I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism, addiction, compulsions, and obsessions.
8. I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics.
9. If you want to act crazy, that s your business, but you can t do it in front of me.
Either you will leave or I will walk away.
10. You can spoil your fun, your day, your life - that s your business. But I won t let
you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.
11. I will set a special boundary if I feel it s necessary to a particular relationship.
12. I will set up boundaries, and in doing so, I will make sure they are my own
boundaries.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I think the boundairies are great as well, and as was said, the enforcement can be the tricky part.
Are you prepared for him to break them, and to follow through?
If not, you can re-adjust, and many have found that eventually, they find their way back to the original boundaires.
I really really hope it doesn't come to that, but rarely is recovery a straight line for them or for us.
Keep the "I" in mind as hello-kitty recommends, and nothing is too harsh.
You and your children are entitledto a happy life, outside of someone else's poor choices.
You're off to a great start and sound solid in your choices.
Good for you
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Are you prepared for him to break them, and to follow through?
If not, you can re-adjust, and many have found that eventually, they find their way back to the original boundaires.
I really really hope it doesn't come to that, but rarely is recovery a straight line for them or for us.
Keep the "I" in mind as hello-kitty recommends, and nothing is too harsh.
You and your children are entitledto a happy life, outside of someone else's poor choices.
You're off to a great start and sound solid in your choices.
Good for you
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I just found this post, and I think you did a really good job with boundaries. I wanted to respond to get this back into the 'read' so others(like myself) have a good example on how to set boundaries for our own situations.
Thanks, Madonna. and thank you, LH. I trailed your posts and found this gem.
Thanks, Madonna. and thank you, LH. I trailed your posts and found this gem.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
The follow through is a the key for me.
since I'm a guy, the I'll take a walk away would have to do for me.
Since we live in a smaller cummunity, the staying or running away part is
something I have to do oneday at a time.
Since I'm a recovering alki/addict myself , it dose have familar ring to it.
wow..I just had an ahh ha moment. geting clean and sober was hard.
Staying clean and sober is harder.
Since we're on our 5th or 6th seperations. it got worst and worst each
time. I hope i don't break my boundaries again. i think about her every
so often...and it seems i have a short term memories to all of the chaos.
since I'm a guy, the I'll take a walk away would have to do for me.
Since we live in a smaller cummunity, the staying or running away part is
something I have to do oneday at a time.
Since I'm a recovering alki/addict myself , it dose have familar ring to it.
wow..I just had an ahh ha moment. geting clean and sober was hard.
Staying clean and sober is harder.
Since we're on our 5th or 6th seperations. it got worst and worst each
time. I hope i don't break my boundaries again. i think about her every
so often...and it seems i have a short term memories to all of the chaos.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
For me, boundaries are about what I am and am not willing to accept in my life. Anyone wanting to be part of my life must agree to respect these boundaries, whether or not they agree, or live their life as they choose any place else.
After many years of boundaries, some harder to enforce than others, my boundaries regarding addiction today remain as only two...
I will not allow drugs of any kind in my home.
I will not allow any person actively using drugs in my home.
These boundaries are simplified versions of several I used to hold. They help me ensure that my home is a peaceful safe place and that I no longer have a front row seat to the drama of addiction.
My son has been missing for over 3 years, but should he appear again tomorrow, these boundaries would remain unchanged. I will not take that dark journey into hell again.
Hugs
After many years of boundaries, some harder to enforce than others, my boundaries regarding addiction today remain as only two...
I will not allow drugs of any kind in my home.
I will not allow any person actively using drugs in my home.
These boundaries are simplified versions of several I used to hold. They help me ensure that my home is a peaceful safe place and that I no longer have a front row seat to the drama of addiction.
My son has been missing for over 3 years, but should he appear again tomorrow, these boundaries would remain unchanged. I will not take that dark journey into hell again.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
boundaries are about ourselves but i understand where you are coming from. if he does any of these things pack his clothers & let him go. make boundaries for you & your babys.prayers for you & your family.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
May I suggest the best book ever written on boundaries?
Check out the reviews on amazon.com
"Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no"
There is a mini/pocket version, so be sure to look for the full version.
Check out the reviews on amazon.com
"Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no"
There is a mini/pocket version, so be sure to look for the full version.
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