Spinner-007

Thank you, Ghost, for your PM. I really appreciate your honesty and your openness, and right now I'm choking back my grief for you and everyone else on this site who is going through this. I tried to return message but I'm not 'seasoned' yet!

It's just so hard as I'm just in the 2nd week of knowing about it.

Yes, I'm angry, PISSED. But you, and this site, bring me back. I'm already tired of being on guard with my emotions, money and everything else. I'm sick of imagining my kids without their mother if she fails, and equally sick of thinking of what she could've done to feed her addiction in the past. And to be brutally honest, I don't think I'm going to be the best at supporting her recovery. Unlike alot of other family members here, I'm not sure I have the stomach to endure years of this if she can't do it. Not even for the kids' sake.

My wife is on bupromorphine(spelling error?) now, and she says she has absolutely no cravings whatsoever. But this is for a very limited time, and she goes into counseling next week. Once she comes off of this, I don't know what to expect. I'M JUST SICK THAT I CAN'T TRUST HER ANYMORE!!!

And then I look at our beautiful kids, and it kills me that it may be a lot different for them in the near future.

And it all comes back to just like you say, Ghost. It's a sickness. How could I be mad at her if she were to have cancer?

I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS!!!!!

I'm so tired now...

Lovestoomuch

When I first found out about my ex's crack/cocaine addiction I was completely devistated. I went through the process of being hurt, and angry.....hurt again and then really mad!!

After coming to SR for a while I realized I was allowing his addiction to run my thoughts, actions.......everything. My day seemed to be consumed by what he was doing and how he was doing and why he was doing what he was doing! I knew if I kept that up, I'd be as sick as he was and fast.

This is still fresh for you. I'm sure you have so many questions that your AW doesn't have answers for right now........and may never have. I remember............oh gosh I remember it like it was yesterday.

Maybe try and take some of that anger, and use the energy to focus on you a little. Now would be a good time to set up some boundaries, maybe find a meeting, start trying to detach enough to save your sanity because right now it seems like you are going to be the one stable parent your children have in their lives.

I'll be keeping you, your wife and your children in my thoughts and prayers.

Spinner-007

Thank you, Lovestoomuch. I'm sorry that you, and the others here, have had to walk this path. But you casting a little light to help me find my way is more appreciated than words can express...

I found that there is a meeting this evening at a nearby church. It's ironic: I will be helping a friend move out of his house before the meeting. His marriage is ending as his wife has a ravaging oxy and coke habit.

Until I realized what was happening with my wife, I never really thought or realized just how many lives and families are being torn up by substance abuse. This is an epidemic. But sadly, those not going through this close their eyes to it for fear of it could happen to them. Just like I did before I found out about my wife.

Eyes are SO much wide open now. Again, thank you for the light! You are in my prayers as well...

notsleepingwell

(((Spinner)))

1st let me say ...welcome to SR!!! This place is a life saver.



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My 30 year old daughter is the addict in my life. Also started with pain pills for an injured back. OMG...just one year ago, I was soooo angry, I wished her dead! I'm currently raising her 12 year old son. Had to move from my life in Cali...back to Canada to do it.


But after much reading...and speaking with her of course....it's a slow but steady spiral downward. And she told me...she wasn't using to get high...but using to not get sick. And they do get deathly sick in withdrawal. Not to scare you but my daughter's DOC was oxycontin...and when her use was increasing to an alarming level...the Dr cut her off. And she went to the streets to get her drug. And started injecting it....it's very similar to heroin, and heroin is cheaper...sooooo

But she is on methadone now...and from the reading I've done...they do need something to help them get off the opioids....I wasn't a fan of methadone...kinda saw it as replacing one drug with another....but hey...at this point...anything that keeps her in my and her son's life!!!

My daughter was down to 89lbs, and looked like the walking dead. Here is a recent post by me..we are taking baby steps to recovery. And we fall at time

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/....html?posted=1

I understand your pain, your despair, your panic....kinda like a rat in a corner huh?? BEEN THERE!!!

About setting your boundaries....that is helping recovery!!! Just be sure when you set your ultimatum...you follow it up..cause if you threaten and don't follow through, you've lost!!


Lots of reading available...."Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beatty
"Addict in the FAmily"...don't remember the author!

You are supposed to be here. We are all here for support for each other!! And many have walked the road you are on now and have advice, suggestions...support!!! Everything said here is, is said with compassion..sometimes some of us get a little harsh...not meant to hurt anyone. Suggestions are just that...we all do what we can, at the pace we can tolerate.

DoingWell

Loving an addict can completely mimic all the stages of grief when someone dies
"Denial, anger, numbness, etc.."
But like grief we find a way to climb out and move on. Sometimes the addict comes back to us, and sometimes they don't the motions are so much alike aren't they?

Everyone kept telling me that "Time heals all wound's" so I kept waiting and waiting and then it hit me.. wait.. I have to change too so that I can be healed.

I found out about my then husband's addiction the week I found out my sister was hooked on heroin and had been found by my mom on their kitchen floor, my dad had to perform CPR and she survived but went on to do this 3 times again. With all my family had going on with my sister I couldn't tell my family about my husband (at time we were married 15 years)
So I had to hold a lot of those stages of grief in for a while, my sister then went into rehab and has been clean for over 5 years, my xhb was not such a quick learner and took 6 or 7 rehabs and about 5 detoxes and two stints in Jail to finally get it. He has 16 months coming up and is doing well. There has been a lot of healing over the last few years for our family and it was a looooong ride that might never be over..but at least it's slowed down. I think many of do get to a point where THEIR addiction/relapse and or recovery no longer effects us as it once did. I have a friend back in PA who is still with her on/off again recovering addict husband and I've often wanted to ask her how she keeps it together, but I don't... I can see she is just doing her thing and staying healthy for herself.
I always feel really bad for parents who are going through this with their children, I can only relate to how I handled my experiences with my xhb and my sister, I truly truly have NO idea how I would handle these experiences if it were one of my girls.
I pray I never have to find out.

God bless and stay strong, love the addict, hate the disease.

LearningHusband

Hi Numb. My ex-wife is addicted to pain killers and I understand 100% what you're going through. I wanted to believe her so often (I'm "tapering off" , I quit, etc), but she lied and lied and lied. That's what addicts do to keep their habits going.

I stuck it out for quite some time, but she began screwing around on top of taking pills. She even had her "boyfriend' sleep over when I was away on business and our child was in her care. I knew then I was fighting a powerful entity (addiction) and was determined to ensure my kid's safety while still trying to see if there was any hope for us.

For about a year, I worked hard on our marriage - counseling, alanon form me etc. However, I also journaled every thing that went on, including how I cared for our son, ran the house, worked, etc. plus all her incident of use. I wanted to make sure that if I had to go through with a divorce, I would have all the ammo necessary to get custody (not always easy for the man). I saved FedEx packages from online drug companies, receipts from pharmacies etc. All the while, I tried to work things out, but having learned so much about addiction, I knew the odds were not in our favor. Besides, the kid had to come first.

Needless to say, I ended up divorcing her - three years ago. She continues to battle addiction. I allow her visitation when she's sober and encourage her relationship with our son. She comes over for breakfast nearly every morning and I'm simply pleasant. But if she's using, I crack down as needed, since I will not put our son in harm's way.

She has had a dozen jobs since we divorced - all lost in some way or another due to drugs. My 7 year old son understands now about drugs. MInd you, I never make disparaging remarks about his mother, but I will not lie either. Just as an example, she went to have lunch with him at school one day and showed up slurring and stumbling. The teacher (who was aware of ex's addiction) thankfully whisked my son away, but he knew what was up. The principal had to stop my ex from driving home etc. - just an ugly scene, particularly for my son. I asked what happened and he said "Mommy was talking funny and couldn't walk right. She fell down" I asked if he knew why, and he said, "I'm not sure". I told him it was because of drugs and he said, "oh, I thought so".

Anyway I have managed to give my son a sound, secure home life. I drive him to school every day, make meals, we sit down to dinner every night, we go to church, he plays soccer, enjoys cub scouts - all like anyone else's family, except it's just him and me. God has blessed us - even in the midst of what was true chaos.

He has fared well and kids can if the sober parent steps up and puts the kids as priority #1. They can feel safe, secure, loved etc. - even when mommy's an addict.

LH

Spinner-007

LH - I cried when I read your response. Part of it was for being grateful that you are strong and there for your child, and part of it was for your child(having a child almost makes a person a parent to every child. At least, that's how I feel).

I hope to God it doesn't come to that for my wife. I don't know how I could explain this to my kids(6,4 and almost 2).

LTM, NSW, DW: thank you for your words and support. I'm grateful for that, and wish you all did not have a reason to be here. This site has helped me immensely. I come here every morning before anyone wakes, and come back every night before I go to bed. It helps so much.

Thank you!

bottleblonde

How do you know when or if it's better for the kids' sake to divorce if there's no physical or verbal abuse? And does anyone here struggle with wanting to keep their addicted spouse's problem a secret to the outside world?

I am so sorry about your wife, spinner, and I see myself in a similiar situation as you, except I've been going through it longer w/ my AH. Isn't it great to be able to come to a place like this where so many are going thru the same thing and can talk about it?

I work for a doctor's office and just recently found out that a patient we adore has a pill problem. The husband called and sd he had no clue until he started seeing bills for other dr's that he didn't know she was seeing. She's in rehab now and he's caring for their 2 kids. I have been wondering if it would be appropriate to contact him since we're in similiar situations, and let him know the success my AH has had with suboxone since her problem is also opiates. How would you feel if you were him? I just don't want to cross a line if I shouldn't. I would make it clear that no one else would know we spoke.

I will say a prayer for your family! Iknow just how devastating and heart-wrenching this is.

LearningHusband

Spinner -

Thanks for your kinds words. May I encourage you that no matter what happens, God will give you the words to explain things to your children. They don't need to know every detail, but I guarantee you they already know more than you think. If you are kind, gentle and above all respectful in how you portray your wife's addiction (without lying of course), you will do those kids a great service.

I would also point out that great blessings can come out of these situations. For example, had I not had an addict wife, I would not have become the parent I am now, and for that I am grateful. I would not have had the opportunity to parent on such different levels as I do today (hey, I'm even the "Room Mom" at his school!). I have also learned greater patience (as my ex can be very trying at times), greater faith in God, and greater awareness of the problem of addiction which oftentimes allows me to meet people (like you) whom I never would have had the pleasure to know. These are great and genuine blessings.

I'm not saying that life is always perfect. I get frustrated when my ex-wife's using causes chaos. I get tired sometimes (working, cooking, grocery shopping, coaching, driving from here to there etc.). I sometimes wish the problem with my ex would just disappear, but, all in all, life is great. Perhaps it's not what I had originally planned, but in many ways it's better - just different from what I thought it would be.

If you need a sounding board, I'm happy to lend a hand.

LH

Spinner-007

Thank you for your words, BottleBlond. It IS good to find others who are suffering the same things. The worst thing in life is to think you're alone in this world, regardless if you have it all (Owen Wilson) or you don't (me!).

As for your question "How do you know when or if it's better for the kids' sake to divorce if there's no physical or verbal abuse?"

I'm finding the abuse the family suffers when one of the parents has an addiction is emotional and psychological. When I'm driving to work by myself, I scream at her for all the damage her actions are causing. I don't have any trust in her, faith in her decision making and I just can't rely on her to make good decisions for the kids at this point(my oldest daughter missed her kindergarden class picture because my wife overslept from the drugs and kept her from school. I'm so pissed at her for that, and it's not even a major issue!)

Then when I get into work I try to shrug it off and try to be nice to other people(I'm in sales). At least I can forget my problems while I hear other people's problems for a while. At the end of the day, my gut tightens as I get closer to home because I don't know how I'm getting at the door, or if the kids were neglected or abused. No signs yet, but I'm watching for it.

This is just not healthy for anyone...

And this is eroding at the fundamental underpinnings of any relationship. If there is no trust, and it can't be re-established, then there is no relationship. That can't be healthy for the kids because it all comes back to this(or at least I think it does):

How can we love ourselves when we are in a relationship that's detrimental to ourselves? And if we DON'T love ourselves(the same issue that our addicted spouses are facing), then can we really love others (our kids)?

I'm finding that it's sounds REALLY clinical, and VERY sterile, but is this the same standard we hold our addicted loved ones to?

I'm not saying that it's an easy option to consider, but because it IS the last one, we still have to put it on the table. And I don't advocate throwing in the towel at the first sign, but I'm already circling my wagons for myself and my kids because what I've seen what others are suffering (and have suffered) through keeps me up at night(averaging 4 hours of sleep each night).

As for your other question: And does anyone here struggle with wanting to keep their addicted spouse's problem a secret to the outside world?

I finding that really depends on your family structure, your friends and also the community you live in. As both my parents have passed, I went to my mother-in-law when I found out, largely because that is where my wife will go if she can't do this or won't go into inpatient therapy. And it was the best decision I've made because she is my biggest supporter (I sometimes think the thought of having her daughter come back home to roost scares the hell out of her!) I've told just one friend, that's it.

I don't know if this helps, BottleBlond, but this is where my head is going at this time(my heart feels like it's hold for helping to make any decisions for now)...

My prayers to you and your family, BB...

rahsue

quote:As for your other question: And does anyone here struggle with wanting to keep their addicted spouse's problem a secret to the outside world?quote

Hi and welcom to SR, the addict in my life is my son. I found that keeping the secret was only helping him to be more of a liar . When I finally told someone I felt such a load lifted off my shoulders because now I wasn't alone, I could talk about to someone.

good luck

DoingWell

I tried my best in the very beginning to keep things quiet and for everything he stole to hock I quietly replaced it, but that could only go on so long and led to even harder financial times, soon it was tv's and harder to replace items.
I got a counselor for me and the kids and she helped me break it to them and answer their questions (they were around 8 and 11 at the time)
The counselor told me not to be surprised that they probably already knew certain things and she was right. My oldest saw him unhooking the Xbox in the middle of the night (unbeknownst to me)
She also said all Daddy did now was walk around the house and he would go in their rooms and look around a lot (looking for things to pawn)

I will tell you this from my own experience.. don't put up with a lot of stuff after your kids find out, I was packing his stuff up and throwing him out, letting him back, throwing him out, letting him back home..and my kids lost respect for me. I took them to Al-ateen but the kids there were a bit older so I then had them go to a counselor and we went together, through the counseling I learned my girls wanted to see me stronger as they had enough so I had to stand firm on my boundaries.
I finally threw him out for good and filed for divorce. Good thing too because by that time a nosey neighbor had called CFS and they were going to open a case if my hb was around the kids, doing battle with CFS was the worse but I understood this was a matter of their saftey and protection and I had to do right by THEM first.

pjbs55

Welcome to SR. I am a mother of an addict. My heart goes out to you and your children. I understand the anger you are feeling. I felt the same thing with my son. I couldn't understand how he did this to me and himself. I now understand he is SICK, and he has to work his own recovery, as your wife does. I am glad you have told her mom and your friend. I hope they both are their to support you and your girls.
Please go to that meeting, and you will find support there too!!!! I attend at least one a week, sometimes more.
This site is wonderful, since we all know what each other is going through, and will give you support. Sometimes we say things that are taken the wrong way, but I know no one here tries to be harsh.
I am sending prayers for you and your family, turn this over to your HP (higher power) and ask for him to guide you.
Hugs