I give up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 158
I give up
I'm setting a "quit" date. My worries, fears, nightmares, guilt, anger and pain over my best friend's addiction are going to kill me. I have lived in this hell for nearly 3 years and I don't see any end in sight. I've tried the "let go and let HP" approach. And while I respect that this method is a life-saver for some, it just hasn't worked for me. I've tried and tried and it's not getting any better. Sometimes I have better days when my conscious mind can come to some level of acceptance, but then I have to deal with the recurring nightmares... the ones where she's drowning or dangling from a cliff or in some other danger and I either can't get to her or I just stand there and do nothing to help her.
I don't see any other "bottom" for my friend other than the one we all fear the most. She has taken a very systematic and controlled (so to speak) approach to her addiction. She moved cross-country to an area renowned for its drug culture. She has eliminated any legal consequences by moving to this place where drug sale and possession arrests are essentially non-existent. People not only freely use and exchange meth, acid and other drugs openly in public, but she can even legally buy pot over the counter. She faces no potential traffic consequences because she gave up her car. She has isolated herself from anyone that ever questioned her drug use or her behavior and personality changes. Loss of personal relationships is not a consequence for her because she just turns her back and pretends it never existed.
I learned last year that she still talks to her mom on the phone regularly. I wish the knowledge of that fact would ease my mind, but I'm sure her mother doesn't have even the slightest suspicion about drugs. It makes me sick to think that her mom may be unknowingly enabling her, but I'm at a loss as to what, if anything, I can do about that. My friend never used in my presence. I tried talking to her mom last year and she had no idea why I would be worried. My only "proof" I had at the time was my friend's own admissions to me about her daily pot use and the sudden personality change that occurred when she started hanging with her "new friends". Since it was "just pot", I didn't mention the drugs and just told her mom that I was relieved that she was ok. I didn't learn about her use of cocaine, pills and other drugs until I found a not-well-hidden public blog that she wrote. I found the blog a couple days after I talked to her mom. My first thought was to call her back with the new evidence. I decided to do nothing. I thought at the time that if I was meant share this information with her mother, I would have discovered it before I called her. That's what I told myself at the time anyway. I've maintained the "hands off the addict" rule... it eventually sunk in that every time I reached out to her it just pushed her further and further away. Now, the guilt I feel over not telling her mother is overwhelming.
I'm so lost I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't live like this any longer. I have to take back control over my life. All I've done is wait. All this time, that's all I've done. I've waited for her to find her way out, but she has herself well protected from ever finding a way out. I really don't see that she is experiencing the shame and guilt that other recovering addicts have talked about. And I don't say that to cast aspersions on her. She's just very arrogant. Perhaps that comes from immersing herself in this culture that celebrates drug abuse. She has acted as if she's "enlightened" and that I must be crazy for thinking she could be friends with such a nerd like me. I've tried forgiveness, prayer, coming here for support, searching madly for understanding about addiction and treatment. I feel more lost than I did in the beginning.
The only way I can see out of this is to give up on her. All the wonderful folks here who share their advice, experience and wisdom seem to have a different perspective from mine. I can understand the "detachment" concept if the addict is still in your life and boundaries need to be set for your safety and well-being. But I can't "detach with love" because my addict already detached from me a long time ago. I haven't seen her in over 3 years. She hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 years, and it has been over 1 year since her last communication of any sort... an email informing me that she doesn't "take calls" from me and instructing me never to call her again. I've tried to accept this as "what addicts do", but it's really hard to hold your head up when the person whose opinion you value most thinks you're not worth the 10 seconds it would take to even say "good-bye". I don't see any options other than letting go of hope. And in order to avoid the pain and guilt of giving up, I need to just close my heart for good.
In the same way that I took control of my nicotine addiction, I need to now take control over my "addiction" to my addict. Sunday is her birthday. That is the day I've chosen to return to my life. Maybe, in some kind of cosmic way, she will grab hold of that hope as I let it go.
Please keep my friend in your prayers. Thanks to all.
Peace & Love
I don't see any other "bottom" for my friend other than the one we all fear the most. She has taken a very systematic and controlled (so to speak) approach to her addiction. She moved cross-country to an area renowned for its drug culture. She has eliminated any legal consequences by moving to this place where drug sale and possession arrests are essentially non-existent. People not only freely use and exchange meth, acid and other drugs openly in public, but she can even legally buy pot over the counter. She faces no potential traffic consequences because she gave up her car. She has isolated herself from anyone that ever questioned her drug use or her behavior and personality changes. Loss of personal relationships is not a consequence for her because she just turns her back and pretends it never existed.
I learned last year that she still talks to her mom on the phone regularly. I wish the knowledge of that fact would ease my mind, but I'm sure her mother doesn't have even the slightest suspicion about drugs. It makes me sick to think that her mom may be unknowingly enabling her, but I'm at a loss as to what, if anything, I can do about that. My friend never used in my presence. I tried talking to her mom last year and she had no idea why I would be worried. My only "proof" I had at the time was my friend's own admissions to me about her daily pot use and the sudden personality change that occurred when she started hanging with her "new friends". Since it was "just pot", I didn't mention the drugs and just told her mom that I was relieved that she was ok. I didn't learn about her use of cocaine, pills and other drugs until I found a not-well-hidden public blog that she wrote. I found the blog a couple days after I talked to her mom. My first thought was to call her back with the new evidence. I decided to do nothing. I thought at the time that if I was meant share this information with her mother, I would have discovered it before I called her. That's what I told myself at the time anyway. I've maintained the "hands off the addict" rule... it eventually sunk in that every time I reached out to her it just pushed her further and further away. Now, the guilt I feel over not telling her mother is overwhelming.
I'm so lost I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't live like this any longer. I have to take back control over my life. All I've done is wait. All this time, that's all I've done. I've waited for her to find her way out, but she has herself well protected from ever finding a way out. I really don't see that she is experiencing the shame and guilt that other recovering addicts have talked about. And I don't say that to cast aspersions on her. She's just very arrogant. Perhaps that comes from immersing herself in this culture that celebrates drug abuse. She has acted as if she's "enlightened" and that I must be crazy for thinking she could be friends with such a nerd like me. I've tried forgiveness, prayer, coming here for support, searching madly for understanding about addiction and treatment. I feel more lost than I did in the beginning.
The only way I can see out of this is to give up on her. All the wonderful folks here who share their advice, experience and wisdom seem to have a different perspective from mine. I can understand the "detachment" concept if the addict is still in your life and boundaries need to be set for your safety and well-being. But I can't "detach with love" because my addict already detached from me a long time ago. I haven't seen her in over 3 years. She hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 years, and it has been over 1 year since her last communication of any sort... an email informing me that she doesn't "take calls" from me and instructing me never to call her again. I've tried to accept this as "what addicts do", but it's really hard to hold your head up when the person whose opinion you value most thinks you're not worth the 10 seconds it would take to even say "good-bye". I don't see any options other than letting go of hope. And in order to avoid the pain and guilt of giving up, I need to just close my heart for good.
In the same way that I took control of my nicotine addiction, I need to now take control over my "addiction" to my addict. Sunday is her birthday. That is the day I've chosen to return to my life. Maybe, in some kind of cosmic way, she will grab hold of that hope as I let it go.
Please keep my friend in your prayers. Thanks to all.
Peace & Love
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I think your dreams are trying to tell you something. Listen to them. Your friend will do what she wants to do and it sounds like she has taken all the steps to immerse herself as deeply as she can in the drug lifestyle. You can still love and care about her in your heart without having to lose yourself in the process. I know it can be done because I have done that very thing with my 21 year old daughter. If I can do it you can too. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
she is in my prayers & so are you.you can not control her life & to let her control yours is so unfair to you.by controling yours i mean you are in constant thought of her & her addiction..the addict can suck the life right out of you. you are not giving up hope on her, you are detaching from her. you will probley find your dreams will go away when you quit dwelling on HER problems. take care of yourself & we r here.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
This sometimes helps me when I'm upset or trying to figure out a friendship that I don't have the answers to, or I do have the answers to, but don't want to see them.
Not sure if it will help or not, but I'll print it.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Author Unknown
Not sure if it will help or not, but I'll print it.
A REASON A SEASON OR A LIFETIME
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Author Unknown
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 158
Marle:
Thank you for your words of support. I fear that you're right about my dreams telling me something. The nightmares are terrifying because she never makes it out.. she just disappears and I can't find her. One factor of our relationship that is so difficult is that she always turned to me for advice, support or help whenever she was scared or worried or had any kind of problem at all. I was the one she called in the middle of the night when something was upsetting her. I think that protective aspect of our relationship is why I tend to relate more with the moms here. But it could never compare the strength, love and endurance that you show for your daughter. Same goes for all the other moms here.. I don't know how you do it. Thank you for your inspiration. Hugs
Hope:
Thank you for your prayers. You're not kidding about it sucking the life out of you. For so long I thought I was just being patient. I'm not sure when my own life slipped away, but it did. I allowed her addiction to consume me. Thanks so much for being there for me. Hugs
Done:
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this brilliant piece. I read it several times and I still can't get through it without balling my eyes out, but I'm sure going to keep going over it until I can grow and learn from it. Your insights have helped me so many times. Thank you. Hugs
Thank you for your words of support. I fear that you're right about my dreams telling me something. The nightmares are terrifying because she never makes it out.. she just disappears and I can't find her. One factor of our relationship that is so difficult is that she always turned to me for advice, support or help whenever she was scared or worried or had any kind of problem at all. I was the one she called in the middle of the night when something was upsetting her. I think that protective aspect of our relationship is why I tend to relate more with the moms here. But it could never compare the strength, love and endurance that you show for your daughter. Same goes for all the other moms here.. I don't know how you do it. Thank you for your inspiration. Hugs
Hope:
Thank you for your prayers. You're not kidding about it sucking the life out of you. For so long I thought I was just being patient. I'm not sure when my own life slipped away, but it did. I allowed her addiction to consume me. Thanks so much for being there for me. Hugs
Done:
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this brilliant piece. I read it several times and I still can't get through it without balling my eyes out, but I'm sure going to keep going over it until I can grow and learn from it. Your insights have helped me so many times. Thank you. Hugs
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by Mertzie 
Marle:
Thank you for your words of support. I fear that you're right about my dreams telling me something. The nightmares are terrifying because she never makes it out.. she just disappears and I can't find her. One factor of our relationship that is so difficult is that she always turned to me for advice, support or help whenever she was scared or worried or had any kind of problem at all. I was the one she called in the middle of the night when something was upsetting her. I think that protective aspect of our relationship is why I tend to relate more with the moms here. But it could never compare the strength, love and endurance that you show for your daughter. Same goes for all the other moms here.. I don't know how you do it. Thank you for your inspiration. Hugs
Hope:
Thank you for your prayers. You're not kidding about it sucking the life out of you. For so long I thought I was just being patient. I'm not sure when my own life slipped away, but it did. I allowed her addiction to consume me. Thanks so much for being there for me. Hugs
Done:
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this brilliant piece. I read it several times and I still can't get through it without balling my eyes out, but I'm sure going to keep going over it until I can grow and learn from it. Your insights have helped me so many times. Thank you. Hugs
Thank you for your words of support. I fear that you're right about my dreams telling me something. The nightmares are terrifying because she never makes it out.. she just disappears and I can't find her. One factor of our relationship that is so difficult is that she always turned to me for advice, support or help whenever she was scared or worried or had any kind of problem at all. I was the one she called in the middle of the night when something was upsetting her. I think that protective aspect of our relationship is why I tend to relate more with the moms here. But it could never compare the strength, love and endurance that you show for your daughter. Same goes for all the other moms here.. I don't know how you do it. Thank you for your inspiration. Hugs
Hope:
Thank you for your prayers. You're not kidding about it sucking the life out of you. For so long I thought I was just being patient. I'm not sure when my own life slipped away, but it did. I allowed her addiction to consume me. Thanks so much for being there for me. Hugs
Done:
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this brilliant piece. I read it several times and I still can't get through it without balling my eyes out, but I'm sure going to keep going over it until I can grow and learn from it. Your insights have helped me so many times. Thank you. Hugs
Your welcome. I know it still makes me cry sometimes too, esp. when I'm going through a friendship thing. But it's amazing how it can help you see the light that you were looking for sometimes.
((((Mertzie))))
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