Jewelz

I have a question. How does one get off the roller coaster ride of addiction??

I know I dont want this life, I know I can't go much further than I am now but I just don't know how to end this relationship or if I am even ready. How can I possibly love someone more than they love themselves... or rather how can I love and hate someone at the same time to me thats insane within its self.

I know I am spiraling down I guess my own bottom may hit soon can we even for see that. I've been having crazy thoughts thoughts I dont want to even mention and it scares me. Besides online I feel like I have no one who understands me. They all say I deserve better, I could find someone who appreciates me, blah blah blah I dont want to hear it. Then I have a friend who talks about how beautiful it is to be loved, how great it is and so on. She is not rubbing this in my face that I know for sure but I know why shes saying all this... she is trying to plant the seed thats there is better out there for me. But I dont want to hear it...... hmmm is that the same way for an active addict? We talk talk talk but they dont want to hear it even if its true. I feel sick at times and dont know where to turn.

How much can one person take? I thank god that he has never stolen from me or from our home, never hit me even though I wonder if he wants to at times. I am tired of everything and I feel like just giving up and not bothering fighting anymore. I dont know how much strength I have left. I am sorry I am dumping all this but I really felt I need to let go of some of this.

Jewel

Lovestoomuch

((Jewelz))

I can only speak for myself, but I had to jump off........without looking backwards or forwards. If I didn't jump when I did I was afraid I never would do it. I learned to deal with my decision not day by day, but minute by minute because one minute I'd feel like I left too soon and then the next I would be relieved to be away and never wanted to go back. Much like an addict fights the urge to use, I had to fight the urge to live my life without my ex in it.

It seems insane, but it's really not. I loved and hated my exabf at the same time most of the time. But eventually I had to learn to love him and hate the disease. That wasn't easy since it was him acting out and saying and doing all those horrible things so I wanted to hate him............but in truth, it was the drugs in this man that made him do and say all those horrible, nasty and vile things to me.

Sweetie........you sound like you've hit a cross road. Do you stay or do you go.......and It sounds like you're doubting yourself no matter which way you choose to go. I would say there's no need to make a decision right now, and there probably isn't, but you sound like you're to a point where you want to or need to do something.

You know of course no one can make this decision for you but let me ask you this. If you were ready.......mentally and emotionally......would you still be with him right now? ..........and if you don't make a move ever.......how will you ever know if you were?

Jewelz

I don't even no how to answer this to be honest. I guess I would go but I dont know if I would be strong enough now. I dont know how to let someone go.

Lovestoomuch

Please take this with all the love it's meant to be said with, but is it possible you love him more than you love yourself??

greeteachday

Jewelz, I wish I could give you answers or suggestions, but I can't..
Kris gave some wonderful insight.

I'm worry though that you say you are having thoughts that scare you. Have you talked with a doctor at all? You sound so tired, so defeated...understandably so, but I'm wondering if depression is making it difficult for you to focus and have the strength to move forward. You have so much going on in your life.

The only things I can suggest are a doctor visit and meetings. Your friends aren't in your shoes, but folks at Naranon or Alanon are and it is such a comfort to have that support. Hugs and prayers.

Jewelz

kris, I know you say everything with love and experience.... I dont have any answers right now thats all I could say. I am unsure which way to go, what to do, what to even say anymore. The past two weeks has been a down fall completely I even had him gone for a few days for everything start right back to almost where it was.

Greet, I havent spoken to a doctor yet. I dont even have a meeting close enough for me to get to where I have the time. Between working, and the kids and no babysitters I dont know how to get away. But I will look into it I have to do something.

Thank you both for listening to me.

Jewel

Ann

Jewelz, I think that most of us have at one time been where you are, and it's a dark place to be.

For me, I was exhausted, depressed, and so very very tired of living the life of a codependent with an active addict in my life. It doesn't matter that my addict was my son, the break was still very scary to think of.

What helped me was to do nothing about my situation...yet. The answer was finding meetings and people who truly understood and who had something I wanted...inner peace.

An eye opener for me was realizing that I could not live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time. I had to make a choice of where I would place my focus and my energy (all this while he still lived at home). I chose recovery, I chose setting boundaries that kept "me" healthy, and I chose to surrender it all to a power greater than myself, who I call God.

It was only then, after I had some tools and some faith that life would take me to where I was supposed to be, that I became unafraid to take a stand for myself.

You will get there, because it is there for the asking and you are very close to knowing that the way you are living is not healthy and perhaps just require the inner strength to do what you need to do....regardless of whether you decide to stay or go.

In the meantime, doing nothing is an okay place to be. It's like deciding that you need to move but you haven't decided on the place or how you will get there and you are not convinced yet that it is a better place to be.

Only you can decide what is right for you and only you can decide on the timing.

My heart and my prayers go out for you because I know how awful it is to feel "stuck" in a situation that makes you miserable.

You'll get there, you already are reaching out and one day I think you will wake up and find that "enough" place, where you know the only place to go is forward.

Hugs

Elana

Hi Girl. ((((Jewelz))))

I have never experienced what it is like to be truly loved by another (as in a relationship) and have heard the beauty described and seen it. I expect it won't happen for me, but amazingly, these days I have reached a point where I am fine with that.

I have decided, instead, to love myself with the same beauty and peace.. and all I can say is it took time and separation from the addict to do it.

I too had those scarey thoughts and it was at that time that I realized NONE of this was normal and I needed to jump. Jumping was real scarey but the landing wasn't nearly as hard or hurtful as I thought it would be.

When I stopped crying (and you will cry) and I started to enjoy the peace and quiet and solitude I found in recovery, I also realized what good company I was to myself.

You take care and if you are thinking scarey thoughts look at it as a flag that maybe you are ready to jump. Maybe it is time. Take care of you.. see a Doctor.. talk to someone.. go to meetings.. and, sweety, love who you are. We all sure do!

greeteachday

(((((Jewelz)))))
You've been in my thoughts...first thing this morning, the codie in me needed to check on ya...'Cause I love you and care, ya know?

I'm smackin' myself upside the head for saying two things and missing the obvious. Surrender...You may not know what to do or say right now, but as Ann so beautifuly stated, you can let God take over. Just have that conversation with him that you are having here. HP, I feel so tired and defeated right now that I just can't think. Help me to find the strength to do what I need to do for myself and my kids. Right now I don't know what to do. You can guide me, I am willing. Your will, not mine.

I hope today brings some comfort my friend. Hugs and prayers.

WENDYLOST101

Jewelz, I cant give any advice cause I am pretty much in the same boat as you. Except for the fact that I know I want to leave, just cant figure out how to do it yet. You are not alone. We are with you. I am with you. ((((Jewelz))))

Jewelz

Wow guys you are the best. I was having a down night, You see I had no kids yesterday and abf was working. I got into my head way to much and went over the limit. I woke up this this morning feeling better some what.

I feel like I could say so much but then I feel stuck at the same time. At times I feel okay and then other times I feel like I am going completely out of my mind and if it wasn't for my kids I wouldnt want to even go further. I dont feel like this all the time but I had felt like this.

For right now I am okay..... dont know what later would bring but for now I am alright.

parentrecovers

best case scenerio - as calmly and quickly as possible.

cinderellawkids

I say get busy with your own meetings your own recovery. You'll still feel a roller coaster occassional dips, but they become less fierce. SOme meetings allow kids, or what about a meeting thenight your little one is at his grandmas.

rose

Jewel,

I truly believe in our HP taking us down the right path and it is going to be a way that is right for you. What I thought was the worst thing to happen (ah going to jail) turned out a blessing in disguise for me. I just think that that was the path my HP put me on to give me back some sanity and a clearer mind. I fought it with all my might but HP fought me back.

Rose

Wascally Wabbit

((Jewelz))
It does get to be too much at some point. That's when it's most important to focus on what you can do for yourself. What can you do that would make you feel better? Destress. Talk it over with a close friend or therapist.

I have the same question too, about how much one can take. I thought I knew that answer untill now, at work, there's a biotch from hell who everyone suspects is on coke. My hands are tied and it's up to the store manager to fix the problem.
In the mean time all the rest of us are suffering.
It's like a family of 65 with one single person causing us all this grief.

I hope that you are feeling better soon.

Lobo

Jewelz,
I'm a little late on this one but glad you are feeling a little better. I am in the same boat that I can't let go of my daughter. She is doing okay for now, and I can only hope it continues. I'm still not feeling that great because I still live in fear. I worry all of the time. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I am still struggling myself. There is good avice above me.....those ladies have helped me too. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and keeping you in prayer.

Hugs........Lo