with regret and heartache
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Trisha)))
The beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring girl that is your daughter is still in there... beneath the addiction.
Knowing that helped me understand that with my daughter, the addiction is not who she is... it is a condition she needed to work through.
You are a good mom. She is a good girl. The addiction is a nasty, evil thing.
She will come back to you when she figures out how to work through this.
My kid went to rehab 4 times. She relapsed after each and every one. She went to a recovery house and a sober house and was kicked out of both.
Today, she is clean and sober for over 2 years... and right up until the day she got clean, I was sad, depressed, angry and miserable.
I could not see the recovery coming... just as I did not see the addiction coming.
During the darkest days, I finally found Alanon... and those wonderful people have helped me walk through the bad times and given me tools to help me continue to grow and change how I relate to her ... and to others in my life.
I hope you can find some meetings in your area - they saved my life.
((hugs))
The beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring girl that is your daughter is still in there... beneath the addiction.
Knowing that helped me understand that with my daughter, the addiction is not who she is... it is a condition she needed to work through.
You are a good mom. She is a good girl. The addiction is a nasty, evil thing.
She will come back to you when she figures out how to work through this.
My kid went to rehab 4 times. She relapsed after each and every one. She went to a recovery house and a sober house and was kicked out of both.
Today, she is clean and sober for over 2 years... and right up until the day she got clean, I was sad, depressed, angry and miserable.
I could not see the recovery coming... just as I did not see the addiction coming.
During the darkest days, I finally found Alanon... and those wonderful people have helped me walk through the bad times and given me tools to help me continue to grow and change how I relate to her ... and to others in my life.
I hope you can find some meetings in your area - they saved my life.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
only time will tell
All, thank you so much for your kind words and compassion through-out this whole ordeal. Everytime I read someones posts, although still crying, it makes me beleive that if you all are strong enough to overcome this..then..so am I. I just need to find the strength. I plan on taking the advice of others and will try to make the meeting that is scheduled for tonight. If anything, this will be my break from the house and a place where I can visually see people who have the same problem. Although with our town being so little, I wonder how many people will be at the meeting. I am not a very social person...so...we will see.
Susan, to answer your question....I think emotionally..i am worse then I was yesterday. I think my reaction to all this is paying its toll on my grandson. He is a sleeper and last night was just awful for him. He came into my room three times screaming that something is trying to get him. I can't help but think that in his dreams he is running from his mother. This little guy is so scared of something..and...none of this started until the week that his mother (my daughter) stayed with us before she went into detox. I need to reassure him that I would never let anything happen to him and that between me and grandaddy..no one, including monsters will ever hurt him. I think tonight, he and I are going to pitch a tent in his bedroom, close the door...and...have an indoor camping trip. This may allow me to catch up on the sleep I lost lastnight..and...allow me to have more one-on-one time with my grandson.
Since i will be attending the meeting tonight and won't get home until after 8:00 (his bedtime)...i spoke with my two younger kids and they along with my grandson are going to set the tent up and have everything ready when I get home.
I will let everyone know how the meeting went and my special camp out.
Thanks again everyone....the knots in my stomach seem to be getting smaller and smaller. :O)
Susan, to answer your question....I think emotionally..i am worse then I was yesterday. I think my reaction to all this is paying its toll on my grandson. He is a sleeper and last night was just awful for him. He came into my room three times screaming that something is trying to get him. I can't help but think that in his dreams he is running from his mother. This little guy is so scared of something..and...none of this started until the week that his mother (my daughter) stayed with us before she went into detox. I need to reassure him that I would never let anything happen to him and that between me and grandaddy..no one, including monsters will ever hurt him. I think tonight, he and I are going to pitch a tent in his bedroom, close the door...and...have an indoor camping trip. This may allow me to catch up on the sleep I lost lastnight..and...allow me to have more one-on-one time with my grandson.
Since i will be attending the meeting tonight and won't get home until after 8:00 (his bedtime)...i spoke with my two younger kids and they along with my grandson are going to set the tent up and have everything ready when I get home.
I will let everyone know how the meeting went and my special camp out.
Thanks again everyone....the knots in my stomach seem to be getting smaller and smaller. :O)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Trish,
I am so sorry you are suffering the stress of all that you have been through. Sometimes we do very well at the time but crash afterwards. That is okay.....we have to feel it. Somewhere inside your daughter she has all of the good things that she was raised with. You are a good example of that. She is not a bad person...she is making a lot of bad decisions. Hopefully sooner than later she will come to her senses. Keep in mind that there have been many that pull their lives together and go on to be very good mothers to their children. My sister was a medical secretary for a lot of years in a a low income facility. She has seen the worst of the worst. She has dealt with mothers who were addicted to crack for a long time and over the course of time she has watched these mothers pull their lives together and become some of the best moms she has ever seen. She has held their babies and cried with them. They didn't want the lives that they were living....she would talk to them and when they did get well they would come to visit her to show her how proud of themselves they had become. They would show her how beautiful their children turned out. By the grace of God they became whole again.
Don't give up on your daughter..........deep down she is the person that you want her to be.
Hugs and prayers..............Lo
I am so sorry you are suffering the stress of all that you have been through. Sometimes we do very well at the time but crash afterwards. That is okay.....we have to feel it. Somewhere inside your daughter she has all of the good things that she was raised with. You are a good example of that. She is not a bad person...she is making a lot of bad decisions. Hopefully sooner than later she will come to her senses. Keep in mind that there have been many that pull their lives together and go on to be very good mothers to their children. My sister was a medical secretary for a lot of years in a a low income facility. She has seen the worst of the worst. She has dealt with mothers who were addicted to crack for a long time and over the course of time she has watched these mothers pull their lives together and become some of the best moms she has ever seen. She has held their babies and cried with them. They didn't want the lives that they were living....she would talk to them and when they did get well they would come to visit her to show her how proud of themselves they had become. They would show her how beautiful their children turned out. By the grace of God they became whole again.
Don't give up on your daughter..........deep down she is the person that you want her to be.
Hugs and prayers..............Lo
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
As a 4 year old I lived with my grandparents for about a year. My Dad, their son was
alcoholic, incapable of being there for anyone. My codie Mom was struggling to get on her feet financially. My grandparents were loving, stable and I loved being with them. That year was one of the happiest in my life. Kids sense and know when a parent is simply unavailable or acting strange as in drunk or high. I could also sense my mother's being upset and as a non recovering codie she was preoccupied and upset alot. If I could have I may have chosen to stay with them.
I tell you this so you may get a perspective from a young child's point of view. Kids are very perceptive. They don't miss a thing. My Dad would show up from time to time and I saw my Mom often. Frankly, I was happy to stay with my grandparents.
alcoholic, incapable of being there for anyone. My codie Mom was struggling to get on her feet financially. My grandparents were loving, stable and I loved being with them. That year was one of the happiest in my life. Kids sense and know when a parent is simply unavailable or acting strange as in drunk or high. I could also sense my mother's being upset and as a non recovering codie she was preoccupied and upset alot. If I could have I may have chosen to stay with them.
I tell you this so you may get a perspective from a young child's point of view. Kids are very perceptive. They don't miss a thing. My Dad would show up from time to time and I saw my Mom often. Frankly, I was happy to stay with my grandparents.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
You have had some wonderful advice! There is not much that I can add except to say that you need to remember the three C's - You did not Cause her addiction; you cannot Cure her addiction and you cannot Cure her addiction. You can only control how much her addictive behavior controls YOU!
And that takes time, practice and patience but believe me, it can be done and I am proof of that.
Go to the meetings - you will soon realize that you are not there to bring out your inadequecies; just the opposite. You will be with those who are going through similar as you. It creates a bond that transcends social insecurities.
And yes, "hands off the addict". She is making her own choices and will have to continue to do so. You will find that if you plan things without her, you will do better. Don't have any expectations that she will do what you think she will. She will only do what SHE wants to and when.
Her children are very lucky to have someone in their corner. Just tell them she is sick and it has NOTHING to do with them at all. As they get older, they will know and when they are old enough, they will ask questions.
I know this is tough. As the mother of an AD with a 2 year old, I know. But we are now talking and she is trying,which is something I NEVER thought she would or could ever do! There is always hope. But in the meantime, concentrate on you and your family and it will get better in time.
Hugs,
Marteen
And that takes time, practice and patience but believe me, it can be done and I am proof of that.
Go to the meetings - you will soon realize that you are not there to bring out your inadequecies; just the opposite. You will be with those who are going through similar as you. It creates a bond that transcends social insecurities.
And yes, "hands off the addict". She is making her own choices and will have to continue to do so. You will find that if you plan things without her, you will do better. Don't have any expectations that she will do what you think she will. She will only do what SHE wants to and when.
Her children are very lucky to have someone in their corner. Just tell them she is sick and it has NOTHING to do with them at all. As they get older, they will know and when they are old enough, they will ask questions.
I know this is tough. As the mother of an AD with a 2 year old, I know. But we are now talking and she is trying,which is something I NEVER thought she would or could ever do! There is always hope. But in the meantime, concentrate on you and your family and it will get better in time.
Hugs,
Marteen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Just sending prayers your way. I hope your meeting went well tonight. My daughter is also the addict in my life. Hang in there; you will feel better. I gained so much advice at this site.
Hugs to you
Terri
Hugs to you
Terri
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
I am so sorry that I really goofed up the three C's; it's supposed to be: You did not Cause it; you cannot Control it; and you cannot Cure it! (That's what I get for being in a rush!)
I hope you had a good meeting but if you didn't, try again. It's only in the trying that we learn and help ourselves.
I hope you had a good meeting but if you didn't, try again. It's only in the trying that we learn and help ourselves.
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