questioning yourself?
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My addict is my son, but I know that when I first hit the rooms of recovery I was a neurotic, pathetic mess. Crazy? I thought so, but then I learned that I'm not crazy, I'm codependent and there is hope for that.
What worked for me? Funny you should ask
. Finding meetings, getting a sponsor and learning to work the 12 steps saved my sanity and probably my life.
Stick around, walk with us a while, recovery is contagious ya know?
Hugs
What worked for me? Funny you should ask
. Finding meetings, getting a sponsor and learning to work the 12 steps saved my sanity and probably my life.Stick around, walk with us a while, recovery is contagious ya know?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
I must admit I have no experience with a spouse or signifigant other, my addict is my son. I can't help but have my son in my life, he is my son. However, I am puzzled when I read posts of the people who are dating addicts. I know from my own experience of dealing with AS's addiction for the last five years that the destruction and devastion that comes with addiction is unbelievable. Ive watched him hurt his family, friends and basicllay everyone that ever loved and cared for him physically and emotionally, Im not sure which hurts the most. I watched as hes cheated, lied. stole, hocked, been to rehab, detox, jail, on and on and on. I know without a shadow of a doubt I could kick him to the curb and never look back. I would move my family so far away he would never find us. The frustrating part for me, and Im sure him too, is the fact that it is an uncurable disease. The chance of relapse is always there, and the chance is actually very high. I just for the life of me can't understand why anyone would choose this life on a rollercoaster, if they actually had a choice. Once again, as Ive said I don't have any experience in the spousal/partner area, so I really can't say what Id do can I? You will do whats right for you when your ready, I have a sense from your post, that you may have already made some choices, you just have'nt told yourself about them yet. Prayers to you and your addict.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I had those same thoughts after finally leaving my exah. How in the world did I live in such insanity for so long and not see it for what it was?
Through therapy and a lot of reading, I have come to the conclusion that I got involved with him in the first place because I am a codependent and I was raised in this insanity. Different compulsions, but the same ultimate behaviors. It was my 'normal'. Bradshaw (a psychologist that is an expert on family systems) says that it is like having 25,000 hours of video tape in your head that you don't even know is there......but it kicks in and I just start reacting to it. Like I said, it was 'normal' for me to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
If I could offer any advice to you in terms of figuring out how you got to the place you are today, I would say start looking back to your childhood.
Through therapy and a lot of reading, I have come to the conclusion that I got involved with him in the first place because I am a codependent and I was raised in this insanity. Different compulsions, but the same ultimate behaviors. It was my 'normal'. Bradshaw (a psychologist that is an expert on family systems) says that it is like having 25,000 hours of video tape in your head that you don't even know is there......but it kicks in and I just start reacting to it. Like I said, it was 'normal' for me to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
If I could offer any advice to you in terms of figuring out how you got to the place you are today, I would say start looking back to your childhood.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It has taken me a very long time to BEGIN to figure this out, and I've only just scratched the surface.
Part of it comes from being a compassionate and determined person. The compassionate part of me wanted to understand and help... the determined part wanted to stiick it out because MAYBE he's just having a problem or a bad day and it won't become common behavior.
I know that I was ill equipped to deal with confrontation or angry feelings. Those weren't "allowed" in my family so I was taught to ignore them or stuff my feelings away. We put on a happy face and went on about our lives... and GOD forbid we should discuss our family matters with anyone else. That meant that I didn't have a good support system in place as the disease of alcoholism entered my first marriage. I had no idea how to set boundaries or how to stand up for myself. I thought (and he seconded the thought) that I was doing something wrong, and if I would change my attitude or behavior that things would get better.
Somehow I was able to totally separate the 2 - the wonderful, sweet, funny, smart, exciting,sexy loving man from the "other one". I rationlized that he was just having a bad day or a bad week and that the darkness that had invaded his life would pass. I really loved him very much and I wanted to support him 'as a loving partner should.' AND there was a bit of pride involved... if the relationship failed, then that meant I was a failure. And, of course there was FEAR - if this relationship failed, then I might never get married again and I would go thru my life alone and unloved...
I also found it very difficult to be objective about my life when I was in the midst of the madness, bouncing from incident to incident, always on the defensive... when I was in that reactionary mode I wasn't able to see anything clearly. It wasn't until I left that marriage .... and found myself right smack dab in another dysfunctional relationship .... that I found recovery, and I found the tools and support system to be able to unravel the mystery of who I was and why I accepted so much unacceptable behavior from the men in my life.
I know this was long, and I hope it made some sense.
Cats
Part of it comes from being a compassionate and determined person. The compassionate part of me wanted to understand and help... the determined part wanted to stiick it out because MAYBE he's just having a problem or a bad day and it won't become common behavior.
I know that I was ill equipped to deal with confrontation or angry feelings. Those weren't "allowed" in my family so I was taught to ignore them or stuff my feelings away. We put on a happy face and went on about our lives... and GOD forbid we should discuss our family matters with anyone else. That meant that I didn't have a good support system in place as the disease of alcoholism entered my first marriage. I had no idea how to set boundaries or how to stand up for myself. I thought (and he seconded the thought) that I was doing something wrong, and if I would change my attitude or behavior that things would get better.
Somehow I was able to totally separate the 2 - the wonderful, sweet, funny, smart, exciting,sexy loving man from the "other one". I rationlized that he was just having a bad day or a bad week and that the darkness that had invaded his life would pass. I really loved him very much and I wanted to support him 'as a loving partner should.' AND there was a bit of pride involved... if the relationship failed, then that meant I was a failure. And, of course there was FEAR - if this relationship failed, then I might never get married again and I would go thru my life alone and unloved...
I also found it very difficult to be objective about my life when I was in the midst of the madness, bouncing from incident to incident, always on the defensive... when I was in that reactionary mode I wasn't able to see anything clearly. It wasn't until I left that marriage .... and found myself right smack dab in another dysfunctional relationship .... that I found recovery, and I found the tools and support system to be able to unravel the mystery of who I was and why I accepted so much unacceptable behavior from the men in my life.
I know this was long, and I hope it made some sense.
Cats
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Up North
Posts: 105
We came,
We came to,
We came to believe,
that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
No you're not crazy my friend. You're not alone either. Reach out and find a meeting,
You will be amazed.
Sometimes I feel crazy about all the troubles that the addictions have brought here.
And this too shall pass.
LIfe is good, there is a solution.
We came to,
We came to believe,
that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
No you're not crazy my friend. You're not alone either. Reach out and find a meeting,
You will be amazed.
Sometimes I feel crazy about all the troubles that the addictions have brought here.
And this too shall pass.
LIfe is good, there is a solution.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Dogged,
All great responses before me.
My addict is my son, as well.
Yet, there was a time that I was dating/married to an alcoholic.
It lasted 10 years. He never stopped. Ever! Have been divorced from him for 17 years now and he is still an active alcoholic. Well, not at the moment. Cause he's in jail.
I do have to say that the insanity that comes with loving an addict is real.
We become just as "crazy" as they are.
It depends on how much you are willing to put up with on whether you are gonna stay or not.
It took 10 years of arguing, fighting, and trying to "fix" my husband, before I decided that...
1. I didn't cause it.
2. I can't control it.
3. I can't cure it.
After I reached that realization, my life/ending the marriage, was the only choice I had left.
When I married him, I knew he was a drinker, but I thought my love would be enough to make him want to stop.
I was wrong and it took 10 years of my life to figure that out.
I hope you keep coming back to sr for support and friendship.
Sending prayers,
All great responses before me.
My addict is my son, as well.
Yet, there was a time that I was dating/married to an alcoholic.
It lasted 10 years. He never stopped. Ever! Have been divorced from him for 17 years now and he is still an active alcoholic. Well, not at the moment. Cause he's in jail.
I do have to say that the insanity that comes with loving an addict is real.
We become just as "crazy" as they are.
It depends on how much you are willing to put up with on whether you are gonna stay or not.
It took 10 years of arguing, fighting, and trying to "fix" my husband, before I decided that...
1. I didn't cause it.
2. I can't control it.
3. I can't cure it.
After I reached that realization, my life/ending the marriage, was the only choice I had left.
When I married him, I knew he was a drinker, but I thought my love would be enough to make him want to stop.
I was wrong and it took 10 years of my life to figure that out.
I hope you keep coming back to sr for support and friendship.
Sending prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Lake said it all as far as I am concerned. My addict is my daughter. She is my child and I won't and can't live without her in my life. I will never understand how anyone would stay with an abf or an agf. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose.
I could even walk away from an AH......my addicted child.......not me. I'm not saying that I will put up with everything that goes with having an addicted child just because she is my child........I will work on my recovery, keep my boundaries and take good care of myself. Even though my child means the world to me I know that my first responsibilty is taking care of me.
Run while you have a chance. You deserve so much better and you have a choice.
Hugs and prayers..............Lo
I could even walk away from an AH......my addicted child.......not me. I'm not saying that I will put up with everything that goes with having an addicted child just because she is my child........I will work on my recovery, keep my boundaries and take good care of myself. Even though my child means the world to me I know that my first responsibilty is taking care of me.
Run while you have a chance. You deserve so much better and you have a choice.
Hugs and prayers..............Lo
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