WENDYLOST101

Hey guys. I am not doing so good these days. Im fakin it till I make it for right now I guess. I am really enjoying the Celebrate Recovery meetings, but only being able to attend on Friday nights is really hard. I obviously need more. Anyway, Even after being here at SR for as long as I have, I have not quiet gotten the fine art of detachment yet. I am trying so hard to do this, but...

Most of you know my situation, do you think me holding my husbands pain meds and giving them to him when he is supposed to have them is enabling him?

What about when he ask for two pills instead of 1 and I eventually give in and give him two cause I would rather not have to fight with him and that is what it would turn into.

My husband is not physically abusive, but he is a bully. I cant make him leave, and if I ever decide to leave I know he is not going to let me just pack my stuff and walk away, so....

I know I am not being very clear here, my head is just so jumbled full of crap lately.

Thanks!

cece1960

(((Wendy)))
I think only you can decide when you've had enough. I imagine its no fun getting bullied into what you need to do.

I guess it would come down to why you have to take on his responisbility for not abusing his meds. Seems to me that puts incredible stress on you...and thats not fair.

Maybe developing a plan be, if you reach the enough point would be a good place to start.
I know this has been tough on you, you're in my prayers
(((Hugs)))
Cece

krhea75

Hey Wendy,
Sorry for the chaos. How much more can you take? You sound so tired. Aren't we all.
krhea

WENDYLOST101

krhea75, you are right. I dont know how much more I can take. Addiction is really taking its toll on me. I am having the physical symptoms that stress causes that I should not be having at my age. I am only 27 years old. I am so very tired. Mentally and physically.

I know this is going to sound horrible but how long will it take for a pill addicts liver to shut down? Like my husband has been doing this for at least 7 years. Lortabs, percosets, any kind of pain pill he could get his hands on. How much longer can his liver hold out? As sad as this is to say, and I have heard that it is normal for me to have these feelings, but sometimes I think it would be easier if he just od'd or died.

I am afraid I am goint to hell for just thinking that. How horrible is that?

GiveLove

I used to have those thoughts, too, WendyLost.....it feels terrible but I think it's just the soul's way of trying to buy you some kind of peace, even if it's just a few seconds of imaginary peace while you daydream about him being gone.

I'm sorry but I don't remember -- why does your husband need his pain pills? Is there a legitimate reason or is he just taking them because he's addicted to them?

I know that I personally could never be the Pill Mama, at least not for an open-ended, neverending period. I could probably do it for a period of time like two weeks, three months, etc., but forever? No. He'd have to find his own way to combat his addiction, whether it be through rehab or what-have-you. Are you able to set such a boundary?

I'm so sorry that stress is starting to take its toll on your health. Be very, very careful with that...stress dismantles your immune system piece by piece, and you may find yourself with life- and lifestyle-threatening things happening to your body as a result of staying immersed in this stressful bathwater for so long. You may need to come to your own rescue. Take care of yourself!!!!

Hugs,
GL

WENDYLOST101

GL, yes he does have legitimate problems. Sever back problems actually. I have seen the x-rays and the doctor reports myself, which makes the situation that much stickier for me anyway. I think that if he was just taking them to take them and had no real medical problems it would be easier for me to leave him. I say that, but that may not be true.

We are seeing several different doctors to try and straighten up his back problems, so me being the pill police is temporary, but that does not make it any easier.

I really am trying to take care of me, but living in active addiction makes it so difficult. I either stop eating, or eat too much. I smoke way too much. I am overweight, heart disease and diabetes run in my family. So I know if something doesnt give, I am going to break. Physically and emotionally.

Thanks for the hugs! I need them.

Elana

(((Wendy))))

I could not do what you are doing. I didn't do it with the alcohol my X husband consumed and, if I had known, would not ahve with my XABF before he was an x.

My X husband was suicidal in addition to be alcoholic. He attemtped so many times the courts finally had enough to commit him to a psychiatric facility. he died of a heart attack 8 months later. I attribute his death to his alcoholism and mental illness as much as anything.

So, he lived an addict and died an addict.. and he also abused pills that were prescribed but was not original enough to get them illegally.

After all the years he was so unhappy.. so suicidal so much of the time.. and there was so little help for hima nd he SOUGHT HELP... I have to say that his death was a blessing.. and he is now at peace. I thought that when he was alive. I still think that.

And, if that is wrong, then let lightning strike me dead. I have prayed about this and I am at peace with thinking this. Yes. W.... is better off today than if he were still living. He is now with his HP and he has the peace he never got in life.

an'ka

This is how I see it. Even if your AH has severe back pain or other medical issue that requires ongoing medication, it is his, not your, responsibility to manage that. Your husband is not a minor child and understands fully well the consequences of abusing his pills. His addiction is HIS to own, not yours. We need to stop treating these grown men (and women) as if they are unable to care for themselves. We codies are all so willing to beat ourselves with guilt over our addicts who, in fact, are perfectly capable of acting like adults--they just choose not to!

Please, stop dishing out his medicine and start caring for your own body and mind. I remember feeling mentally and physically wiped out. At the worst point, the stress was so intense and ongoing that I went straight from pregnancy to size 0-2. I could not eat. It is so not worth it, at any age. We are pretty much the same age, but if I were your mother, I would say stop! Stop killing yourself because of his addiction. You have a right to be healthy and happy.

GiveLove

Oh, (((wendy)))

You know...you could look at it this way. Maybe. If you wanted to. Whichever of these two scenarios fits, they sort of point the same way:

1) you are trying to be a loving and active partner in your husband's journey to a pain-free life. In that case, the best possible partner & co-caregiver is going to be someone who is happy and healthy in her own life; great energy, compassion and creativity flow best from being happy in your own skin. So, sitting down with your calendar or daytimer and scheduling in some activities that make you feel good about being alive helps you to fulfill that role better, right? I started by taking a 30-minute walk every day and writing in a journal even if it was only a couple of paragraphs that said "I hate this I hate this I hate this..." It was a start...and I was doing it for ME, which kind of sneakily started me on the road to health (my family has a strong streak of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer as well...so it was very self-serving) Tiny steps, tiny steps.

2) you are just trying to get through this without a fight, and are biding your time until the day (perhaps) comes when it will feel right to leave. In that case, a plan that will slowly help you to become stronger, fitter, and more self-loving can only help -- help you get through the waiting, and/or help you spring when the jaws of the trap finally open.

I kind of agree that you shouldn't be the pill doler-outer. If he's faced with the spoken choice of either losing his pill-giver or losing his wife altogether, I'd think he'd choose the former. I know how awful those thoughts can be, though: What happens if I let go and let him fall? Will I be strong enough to protect myself from the consequences? Cece's idea of having a plan first is a great one.

We care about you.

Love,
GL

ladyamalthea

The thing is, he's going to abuse those pills whether you help him to or not, so in my mind, you might as well not help him, that way it is clear from your conscience.

*hugs and prayers*

greeteachday

((((((Wendy))))))
I don't think you are enabling him, sweetie, but you are slowly killing yourself. You are such a good person and I know you are trying to be there for him, but the emotional abuse (for to me that is what it is) that you are taking by being bullied into giving him more or facing his wrath...well that just isn't right.

I understand your thoughts...try not to feel guilty about them. I like the way that Give Love has categorized them..it makes sense.

Would it help to think of your son...he needs at least one parent who is healthy and there for him. I know you love him to pieces, so if you can't focus on you for yourself yet, could you do it for your little guy?

I like the idea of journaling...also of making a plan. If things improve, you can choose not to implement your plan, but I think it would be healthy to think about and write out what you would like and where you want to be in a year, two years...five. Your focus continues to be on him and I don't think you can take steps in your recovery until you can shift that perspective a bit.

One suggestion on the pills. Can you establish a boundary now with him that you will hold his pills for him and give him only what is prescribed, no more, but if he pushes for more or bullies you, the deal is off? Perhaps a conversation like that when you are both calm may have some impact...And if he breaks that boundary, no more pill keeper. Just a thought


Lots and lots and lots of hugs...You are young and deserve so much better than this. I want so much to "see" Wendy smile and feel good about herself. Keeping you all in my prayers.