ladyamalthea

Well... I just found out my entire family has been lying to me for 60 days. Mom and dad have been letting me believe that Melissa has been clean this whole time... and mom just told me that Melissa has been using, or at least they think she's used, once every 5-6 days since she's been out! I feel so betrayed... how could they set me up to get hurt like that? I still would have been supportive of her recovery and all... but at least I would have known the truth and not set myself up to get hurt like this.

Oh, and Melissa basically stole my dad's van today so she could go somewhere without anyone knowing where (my parents have a tracking device on her car). All I know is that if she went somewhere that had to be off the map like that, then it wasn't anywhere she had any business being. I am so upset right now that I don't know how to react.

And here's the kicker: Mom has the nerve to tell me to "try to not think of it that way" and to "keep being supportive because your sister needs you." Here's my thoughts on that:

1) I have told mom time and time again that she has no business telling me how to think or feel about things. She tried to force me to repress all kinds of feelings growing up, and I ended up feeling guilty every time I would get upset, angry, anything other than happy because she tried to teach me that I should never allow myself to feel that way. Sounds like a great idea, but it really messed me up for awhile. So here she is again, telling me not to feel how I feel because it doesn't fit into her perfect puzzle...

2) I know my sister needs me... having said that, I need to be able to recover. And being thrown through the ringer like this is not helping my recovery. So, here again, I'm supposed to act like nothing is wrong and pretend to be happy so that everyone else can benefit from my misery? What the he** is that?!?

I guess part of the reason this angers me is because back before Melissa got help, but after her second arrest, I was still furious with her, and mom had the nerve to ask me to go eat lunch with the two of them and go to a movie, without letting on that I was upset... she wanted me to, in effect, bottle up my rage long enough to lie for an entire afternoon... and now she wants me to do it again, indefinitely?

When is mom going to remember that I am a human being too? That just because I'm not a drug addict doesn't mean I don't have needs? I'm just so ready to cut them all off for good and snip my losses... I don't want to do that, but I'm so angry right now that I don't know how I can ever come off of this.

Understand that I'm not necessarily mad that Melissa has relapsed... I'm just furious that my parents value my sister's feelings more than mine... all they had to do was be honest with me... and I've even asked them directly on multiple occasions if she has really been clean, and they've said yes every time.

UGH!

Sorry, had to get that out.

Spiritual Seeker

Sorry to hear your frustrations. In the almose 5 yrs knowin My son was an addict and been in two rehabs. two immediate relapses, disappearances, etc. I have felt sad, mad, depressed, frustrated, sorrow. Whether I see him or not there is very little good emotions in the relationship. That seems to be the nature of the beast of addiction. He had a girlfriend for 3 yrs. and no matter how I tried the relationship with her could not be cracked, just more frustration. Until my son turns his life around and gets his selfish addictive mind to change I can only expect more of the same. It sounds like this is true for you, just more of the same. I have hope but no expectations now and that helps keep my disappointment at bay. I haven't lived with my son during this time so I don't have to jump into the dysfunction.
Your parents have learned a style of adapting to your sister to maintain a relationship w/ her, dysfuntional as it may be. It doesn't sound like you are going to change anyone of those three. I do applaud you for telling your parents how you feel and what your boundaries are. That's sounds like the healthy way to handle it.
I know your anquish, but keep moving forward in your own life and your investment in that dynamic betw sis + parents as minimal as poss. so you don't get frustrated.
It is what it is.

lostparent

Ok I think maybe I understand where your Mom is coming from. It's not that she favors your sister it's just that she is the one that needs help. I'm sure your Mom doesn't mean to hurt your feelings. Maybe she thinks the less drama an stress your sister has the less likely she will be to use drugs, or that your sister will turn to you for help. Now I'm NOT saying it works that way, just that it might be what she's thinking. Could be she is just trying to hang on to having a normal family as much as she can. There are so many feelings an emotions a parent has watching their child slowly destroy themselves with drugs. It has to be hard on the brothers an sisters too, but for parents to watch is kid they raised from a baby do this is HELL.
Reading your post makes me see that I have ask alot of my sober daughter. There have been times I have ask her not to confront AD about things that she had every reason to be mad about. Don't ask me why I do it, because I don't have an clear answer. After reading your post I'm going to try an look at things from SDs' point of view more. But maybe give your Mom a break she is dealing with some really hard stuff.
Here's hoping things get better for you. An that your sister gets back on her program.

Lobo

Lady, I understand your frustration. I am the mom of an addicted daughter. I have two SS's. I used to make excuses for her to them but no more. I know they love her, but they are fed up with it all. They both have an I don't give a damn attitude.
I know it is their way of protecting themselves against the broken promises. The way I have learned to deal with it is this.......I don't come between them at all. I don't tell them how to feel, what to do or not do. They have to fix their own relationships with each other. My sons are very close. Of course my daughter feels pretty much left out. She has extended her hand to them and they have accepted her, but the relationships are strained. Recently when she was incarcerated I didn't even tell them. Son #2 found out because she called him. I still don't think son#1 knows. We have never talked about it.........they don't want to hear it and I respect that. Hopefully one day they will be close again. Son #2 said she has to have a long sobriety under her belt before he can be comfortable again. He stated that directly to her. Basically I don't act as a go between for any of them. I try to maintain a relationship with my daughter and that is enough work in itself.
Could you talk to your mom and ask her to not be in the middle of you and your sister? It would probably be better that way. It would take some stress off of both of you.
Blessings on you and your family................Lo

Wascally Wabbit

(((Lady)))
looks like we're both having a hard time with our mothers.
I always questioned why the "bad" kid gets all the energy and attention from the parents and other family members. I guess it's because like any parent, they worry like crazy over the "sick" one.

Same with adults as addicts or alcoholics. They get all the aid they could ever want! And, we, the people who love them wind up spending all our money, time, and life's energy trying to "help" them when they clearly are not ready for our "help".
That's where alanon comes in to save us.

Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? Will she listen? Some times talking helps a lot and clears the air about everything. Let her know how you feel, and what direction you are going to take with your life with or with out her approval.

My first priority is my own sanity.

Lobo

Lady.......I also wanted to add that no one knows how a mother feels unless they have been there. Having to deal with my daughter's addiction is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. You want so much for your child to be well and "normal". You are scared, upset, emotional, sick, just to name a few. Everyday you live with the feeling that they are going to die if they don't get well. A mother will do just about anything she can think of to try to save their child. It may not always be the right thing, but most of it is done out of fear of losing their most precious gift.......their child. Don't be hard on her, honey. Just maybe a heart to heart to let her know that it might be better if she stays out of the middle.

Hugs..........Lo

ladyamalthea

I know my mom does not mean to put me on the back burner like that... and Melissa is the "sick one," so to speak... so I understand why she is so worried about her and not so much me... but the problem comes in when she tries to force me to sacrifice my own sanity to save a little more of her own. I cannot tell her how I feel without her arguing with me and trying to tell me why my feelings are wrong. No "I can understand why you say that" or "I didn't mean it that way...." NO.... instead, it's "DON'T feel that way because blah blah blah..." I am sick and tired of her telling me "how" to feel! And I have told her this many many times, but it doesn't click...

I know I cannot change any of them. But the thing is, what do I do now? How do I move forward in my own recovery without cutting them off? I've learned that I cannot just avoid these conversations with mom because I always get yanked back into them...

I am still so hurt right now. I'm trying to not take it personally... but the fact is that even if I get past the anger I have got to figure out how to protect myself, and that is where I come to a huge fork in the road...

The thing is, when Melissa's addiction was at its worst, I was basically the parent. I was my mom's therapist, advisor, strength, diary, and analyst, all while having to cope with my own pain. I am trying to not be judgmental about the actions of my parents, but the problem is that it is clearly not healthy for me to be in the position I'm in now... I've worried about everyone else for so long that my own sanity and health have suffered profusely. So please, before anyone accuses me of being selfish or of not thinking of the other perspectives, please try to remember that I have fought tooth and nail to try to remember those things... and I am fully aware of them... but they don't change my pain.

lostparent

If you don't want to cut off contact with them. An you don't think telling them how you feel will work...How good are you at letting what she says go in one ear an out the other? That's seems to be what my kids do to me sometimes . LOL

ladyamalthea

lol... ((lostparent))

I honestly don't know how well that will or won't work... my mom has a way of insisting that she is heard in everything... and not just once, multiple times...

I really don't mean to sound so harsh... I am just still so frustrated...

Lobo

I hear your frustration. Just like you can't fix your parents financial problems, you can't fix your sister for them. Like you said you are your mom's advisor, therapist, etc. My oldest son was those things for me. I began to see how much he was detesting his sister because of what it was doing to me and he had to deal with me.
That is why I stopped dragging him into it. I think I was unknowingly ruining their relationship with their sister. I recognized it and changed it. I know talk to my sisters, my friends, SR. They don't take it as personal as my sons.
Does your mom know how deeply you have been affected by all of this? She needs to know if she doesn't. I think you need to set boundries with your mom. I would hate to see you cut them off. IMO that would only cause more hurt feelings. I think your parents need to know how this is hurting you and you should tell them you have put some boundries in place that will help you to feel better. My sons didn't have to do that with me because I could see the strain it was putting on them, so I backed off.
I can feel your anger in all of this.........you do need a break from taking care of them. Maybe you could tell them you need a little break because all of this is really upsetting you.
Take care.................Lo

splendra

Well....the reason we are crazy is because of our families...I am so used to my family lying and BSing and of course using dope and drinking getting locked up.

I do things with my mom...things I want to do I do not get involved in my siblings bs I can hardly stand to be around them for 30 minutes. I do not enquirer about what they are doing because I know they are using all the time. If they get clean I will be happy if they do not there is absolutly no reason for me to let it bum me out. It used to really bum me out.

For my own self protection I have had to stop trying to be a caregiver or have a close intimate relationship with them I AM DEFIANTLY NOT IN CHARGE OF THEIR RECOVERY sorry to yell but it is as true for me as it is for you...

St_Kurt

Ladyalmalthea -

Our situations are so similar it's amazing! Except in my case it involves my mother instead of my sister.

My mom has been an addict/alcoholic all of my life and my father has been her co-dependant enabler type. I have never known a time when they were not both lying and manipulating both each other and me. Our family dynamic is quite sick.

The crux of the problem is exactly like what you are dealing with right now - my father can not stand another emotional state other than "I'm happy. We're all happy. Things are going great." and he is willing to go to incredible lengths of denial to believe this. He also has a sort of selective hearing. When we talk he will say "okey-doke" sometimes after I tell him something. I've learned that this means: "what you just said makes me uncomfortable so I've tuned it out. It's as though you didn't say it."

On the flip side, when he is unable to reconcile his rose-colored world view with what's going on, he completely loses it, becoming totally enraged, violent, and out of control. He refuses to seek therapy or attend Al-Anon.

My mom, on the other hand, practices the same kind of "happy-view/denial" from her end as well. During her sober year, she fell into a habit of refusing to discuss anything that happened while she was drinking or using by saying "No. No. Verboten. Didn't happen." and making a cutoff sign. The problem with this was that by doing that she was basically denying my entire lifetime occured or that it was possible that her behavior might have affected me. She had no idea how insensitive and hurtful this was.

I have made it clear to my parents that if I see them working to recover and lead healthy (both physically and emotionally) lives - I will be a part of it. And when they aren't - I won't. My mom relapsed this summer and when it was clear that she wasn't planning to work the program and turn around on her own - I was out the next day; even though it spent living the rest of my summer in a homeless shelter since I had nowhere else to go if I wanted to keep my internship. I am back to minimal contact again and will be for a while despite my father's constant insistance that everything is "fine now". He can say that as much as he wants; actions speak louder than words and unfortunately, it takes time to see if an addict is serious about sobriety.

I suppose I am telling you this to offer you an alternative way of looking at things. Right now it seems that you are seeing the situation as: you sister is sick and you are frustrated because your parents' focus on her appears to be leading both you and them in unhealthy directions.

The alternative is to view all of them as being sick. Your sister suffers from addiction and your parents do too, just in a different way. This is how I've come to view my family. I often say that I have "alcoholic parents" even though it is only my mother who is the addict/alcoholic. The reason is that my father is just as sick (perhaps sicker) as she is; both of them suffer due to alcoholism/addiction, they are both sick.

And unfortunately, as it's been in my case, sometimes the only solution is to leave.

Whatever you decide is right for you, I wish you and your sister the best.
~SK

caughtinthemid

Hi Lady,

I can speak to this as the mother of two kids, one 20 yr old son (addict) and one 17 yr old daughter who is a "normie". I hope that term doesn't offend anyone.

For years I made excuses for my son's behavior, focused all my attention on him b/c initially he was diagnosed with all sorts of mental disorders which later turned out to be all drug related.....he was in my face all the time, he demanded my attention and required my time for dr visits, ER visits, seizures, violent outbursts, mental hospitalization, you name it.

My daughter was the "good" kid. Never in my face, independent, takes good care of herself and her own needs and took a backseat (and sadly front row to son's addiction) for many years. Until Jan of this year, when son went to rehab and is still sober today, 7 months, and moved out, I didn't realize the damage I had done to my relationship with my daughter. It has taken a long time for her to accept that I am here for her, that her needs were very important all the time, and that I did her and myself a great disservice by letting all this go on.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? But I hope your Mom realizes over time that just because you are not an addict that your feelings are important, and that you have needs as a human being and daughter, independent of your sister's situation. I realize that now with my daughter and can only leave it in my HP's hands to guide me in showing that to her in actions, not words. (BTW, this very situation was the impetus for my screen name, I was caught in the middle of two kids who I loved very much).

I am not making any excuses for your Mom's behavior, just wanting to offer a perspective from one who has been there, done that.

I wish you all the best.

BigSis

Sometimes, we just don't. There are lots of gals in my Alanon group who use us as surrogate "mom". We love unconditionally at Alanon. Moms (including this one) seem to have conditions built in.

As a mom, I am getting better, as I know my OWN mom has gotten better over time. But when I need something she can't give... I have a sponsor who loves me, and twenty really, REALLY close friends who will hold me and comfort me and love me ... just as I am.

You might try reaching out at face to face meetings. ((hugs))

cece1960

I understand how frustrating this must be. So at the risk of sounding as if I don’t:
How your Mom feels or reacts to your sister's problem is not your problem, how she reacts to you can be, but only if you let it.

Your sister’s relapse was not done TO you. It happens, and is often a valuable part of the recovery process. I imagine they are both suffering as a result.
I too have been guilty of letting my healthier kids peddle on their own, while I invest all of my energies into the one with the problem.
I know that wasn’t fair but I wasn’t done intentionally.

Nothing you feel is wrong…but most is out of your control.
I know you love your family, but you may find yourself having to disconnect for a while, just to get back on track.

Detaching with love can be tough without a lot of practice, so in the meantime just disconnecting for a spell may work…it did for me.

See, the thing I struggle with the most is that I can’t control anyone but myself. My expectations let me down often, but most of that could be curbed by returning to the fact that its out of my control to begin with. I understand the theory, I just haven’t yet figured out how to put it into play AND have things work out my way

Your Mom can and will act and react as see she’s fit whether you like it or not.
Its up to you to decide what you can accept.
And nothing need be permanent.
Prayers that things begin to be brighter for all
((((Hugs))))
Cece

Lightenup

Oh boy, do you need a hug!!!

From a mom point of view, I can totally understand your frustration. There was a point in our lives where we were just constantly raw from dealing with our AS, and every day was a new horror, and we had two other children who had their own needs.

While I honestly feel that we have tried to give whoever needs attention or caring or loving or anything when it arises, I know for that brief time it seemed that all of our focus was on the addict. Then again, when my daughter played tournament softball all year round and then got an ACL tear, a lot of attention went her way. Then as our younger son played soccer and we've had to deal with ADD issues, a ton of focus has gone his way.

This is the way I work it as far as our children's brother goes and it seems to work for us. If they want to talk about something that has to do with him or have questions, I'm all ears. Every once in a while if I'm really down because of him, my daughter does offer a shoulder or an ear, and I try not to ever take advantage of her. By the time I need her shoulder, I've usually decided to ask son to leave or to change a situation.

Our children are allowed to have whatever relationship they wish with their brother. Our youngest simply doesn't want to see him right now, and that is fine and he knows it. They have been so hurt in the past that I told them a long time ago, however you feel you need to deal with him as long as you aren't hurtful is your business and I respect that.

Just a suggestion. Maybe you could speak to mom and dad and tell them that you will work out your relationship with your sister the way it works best for you, not necessarily their way. You, like the rest of us, deserve a life without the drama of addiction, although I know you love her so much. That way, you can figure out how and when and what to do when you do deal with her.

And one more little tidbit of hard-earned wisdom. Whether she says she is clean or not, whether she is using or not, you may not always know for sure. One sure fire way you will know that she is changing is by simple actions, by seeing her life become better and stay that way, and that all takes time. People can't truly recover without change, and that includes all of us, you know?

I hope this doesn't sound screwy, I just so heard the pain in your voice. You are important, you deserve to feel important. And addiction doesn't just hurt the addict, it hurts every family member. I'm so glad you're sharing here. I know just by giving my children the freedom to vent when they want has made a tremendous difference. They always had that freedom but for a while I think they didn't want to make waves, and when I realized that I told them that their feelings are so important to us and we can handle hearing their truths........................maybe your mom and dad need a bit of a wake up call that you're calling out to them, too....and that is okay.

Too long, I know, but just know I care

Bets

teke

sorry you are hurting, sending you hugs and prayers. praying that your love one find their way soon.

marle

Sending some hugs your way, Lady. I am sorry that your parents are keeping you out of the loop. As a parent of an addict, I understand their fear. They need to remember though that they have a great sober daughter before they lose her too. Hugs, Marle

pjbs55

Lady,
I am so sorry your mom isn't getting it. Does your mom go to meetings? If not maybe you should ask her to go to one with you, or more. She needs support in seeing that she isn't helping your sister. If she will not listen to you write her a letter and tell her how you feel. Telling her that you feel that you don't matter and your feelings don't matter. If she calls and starts giving you a hard time tell her you have to go and just hang up.
You really deserve a huge hug and this mom is sending one to you,
Take care of yourself,