raerae6

You are reading from the book, "A Peice of Cake" by Cupcake Brown (She was a junkie who went on to become a lawyer...in this excerpt she is talking to her sponsor)

"She explained that people with addictive behaviors, especially women, have a tendency to put a man before their own well-being, so much so that they stop taking care of themselves. If they exercised regularily, they'd stop once a man came along.
If they had friends, they forgot about them once a man appeared.
If a woman was self-sufficient and self-assured, she'd get a man and suddenly become insecure and needy.
I still didn't understand what she was talkin' about.

I was still pondering her comments, when she hit me with the bomb.

She said that the only time a woman is ready for a man in her life is when she didn't need one."

"'You were fine before him,' she continued. 'Remember that you will be fine after him! You can do without a man, Cup. It's recovery you can't do without.'"

hope213

very intresting , but i do not think the man thing applies to me. i have always been independent. there is not much i have not done or could not do for myself & still do instead of asking my husband to do it for me. as far as taking care of my self now that sometimes i do not do.i catch myself all the time not doing for me.i put him & other things ahead of my self. i think i will let dinner dishes go for awhile & go take a calgone bath.... sounds good to me.

dollydo

That is an interesting analogy. I have often wondered why I wanted a man in my life, as actually the only two things I ever needed a man for were:


1) Sex
2) Companionship

I have always been self sufficient, earned my own money, did my own thing.

Now that I am a little wiser, I have scratched #2 off my list, #1, well, that still is a work in process, loh.

raerae6

I've always been independent too, but put a man in my life and he becomes my number one interest...my friends fall by the wayside. i don't spend time with them anymore. The man becomes like a planet that I orbit around...He becomes an addiction.

This time I'm not gonna get involved or try to find someone until I learn how not to do that.

dollydo

Rae,

I do understand what you are saying, oddly, I never gave up my friends, I was always able to keep my focus in that area, and I am so glad, hubbies are gone, ex's are gone, but my friends are still by my side....some I have had for 40 years....side by side walking through this maze called life.

an'ka

Only occasionally do I miss the male companionship, but I am so blissfully peaceful since I left my AH that I can't fathom dating anyone. I just love the serenity in my life. I've always put his needs ahead of mine; later in our marriage, when full blown alcoholism hit, I covered his messes and went without new clothes or haircuts or pretty things... Despite my claims to the opposite, deep down inside, I must have low self esteem.

My vow is to learn to value myself beginning NOW.

raerae6

Yeah, #1 is a toughie...but like the quote said, my recovery (from codependency) has gotta come first.

outonalimb

This is a very interesting post. Thank you for sharing it, raerae.

I've always been fiercely independent. Always! I never gave up my friends...I managed to maintain a demanding career, my home, and take care of my son pretty much all by myself during the 'dark days' of my exah's addiction. But keeping things together required SO MUCH energy. I gave up a big part of myself when trying to deal with my exah's addiction...not knowingly...but because there was only so much of 'me' to go around. My needs fell by the wayside. Every day seemed to bring a new crisis...I spent my days putting out one fire after another and before I knew it, the things that made me ME drifted out of view completely. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I began to define myself as the 'wife of an addict'. How sad, really.

Now that I've moved on from this relationship, I'm left wondering who I am sometimes. I'm not the same person I was before the addiction...thats for sure. I feel like I'm in the process of redefining myself and I want to wait before entering into a new relationship. I want to know who I am. I want to 'redefine' myself apart from my experience with addiction (if thats even possible). I think its going to take time...And one day, when I least expect it, I believe my HP will bring someone into my life...not because I NEED someone but because I'm ready to share my life with someone special.

So...I guess I really do agree...the best time to find a man is when you don't NEED one. Makes alot of sense to me !!!

raerae6

That is exactly what I am trying to do! Redefine myself.

I never needed a man financially or for practical reasons, I just tend to lose myself emotionally. Lose myself in the other person's problems. I go directly from one relationship to the next-have done this since I was 16-with little or no breathing room inbetween.