frankly

I've been on this forum for a few years now. The addict in my life EX has been gone for nearly 3 years. It still hurts. I've made leaps and bounds in my own personal development. I've come a long way baby! It is a good thing.

I have noticed though that often times, comming here leaves me sad. More often than not, the people who arrive and become friends and family, heal, they get on with their lives and move on to a better life. I miss them all. The mom's seem to stick around longer, I'm sure it's because no matter what happens, you never stop loving your child, you can't divorce them.

I have found as a result that my way of thinking has been skewed about the whole thing. I've been stuck in the whole negative aspect of it all. I read daily, it's the same story over and over. Families breaking up, mom's hearts breaking, and the worst, when the battle is lost for good.

It's disheartening and sad to me. I know that I also see so much growth and recovery here, but I hardly ever see the success stories, the happy endings. A few post just to let us know how their lives have changed for the good, then they fade away.

I know that for me, I really had to loose all hope for my addict. That is when I finelly detached. Started concentrating on me. Reality, I guess, had to smack me upside the head hard enough to make me finely see. Knocked those rose colored glasses right off of my face.

So to my point here, I realized when talking to another forum member here, that I had formed a negative attitude about the addict. I have grouped them all togeather as being the same, no room for variation, no hope for any of them. I read a story and I judge that persons addict and I've never even met them. I don't know what brought them to where they are, yet I just put them into a class of no hope.

I'm wrong for doing that. I have no right judging anyone based on my bad experiences. And there is hope.

There is hope for each and every one of the addicts out there. As long as there is a HP, there is hope. Miricles happen every day, healing happens every day. I just don't get to see the good stories because they have moved on in life and aren't posting about them often.

There is so much hope for us the codies. Just look at those four ladies that went on the moose adventure. That just put a smile on my face to no end. That is a success story, just not written down in words.

My understanding and experience with an addict has made me a judgemental and negative person. I will strive from today forward not to be judgemental. I will strive to look for the positive. I will hold onto hope that somehow someone finds a way to help people out there with an addiction problem, before they and their loved ones have to hit their horrible bottom.

I will believe in miricles.

B

splendra

((((frankly)))

This is such a good post. It shows how you have grown. No not all addicts are the same that is for sure.

I think it is good for someone that is living in active addiction to hear a point of view that is negative though. At some point I think it is good to give up hope cause sometimes I think holding out because of hope keeps some people in a bad situation for too long.

There are addicts that do get it together and often it is because the ones who love them get totally fed up with their stuff. Some people are going to be better off if they give up hoping for their addict to get clean and start living their lives without them.

I am still here and so are a lot of the "old timers" I know I haven't moved on far enough that I can do with out people like you making great post like this.

Thanks(((((Frankly))))))

outonalimb

Great post, frankly...
Your recovery really does shine thru...

Giving up on my expectations that the addict will change is different, in my opinion, than giving up hope.

I haven't lost hope yet. I'm just not invested in the outcome anymore. In the early stages of recovery, however, I think its hard to tell the difference. Its hard to find just the right balance, sometimes.

I think anger at the disease of addiction can make us callous sometimes. Its important not to lose our compassion in the process of recovery. Thanks for the reminder.

I join you in hope and prayer today..that the addicts who suffer will find their way back to the light.

Ann

Wonderful post, Frankly.

Many times, people who are in a better place in their lives have told me that they hesitate to post about their happiness, because there is so much sadness here sometimes and they feel like they are bragging or that others won't want to hear it. I encourage them to post all the good stuff in their life today, that post represents hope, light, and what happens when we just keep working our recovery.

When I first walked into the rooms and saw people who had been where I was or worse, and who were happy today in their lives, I KNEW I wanted what they had and that if I stuck around long enough, I too could find that peace and serenity.

I learned from those who went before me and I keep what I have by sharing with those who follow. One codie sharing with another...that's what this program is all about.

Frankly, you personally have been a major inspiration to me over the years. I have watched you grow, watched you struggle and watched you find the light and hold it for me. Each post you have made has touched my heart in some way.

We never know what words will touch the heart of a newcomer walking in the door, but we DO know that the light shines brightly here and will light their path until they find their own footing and light.

Keep sharing, Frankly, I need to hear your words and so does the newcomer. That's how we grow.

Hugs

hope213

great post !! i can understand where you are coming from.we do not hear many success stories after they are clean awhile the codie quits coming. that is sad because we do need to hear about the "now" part.i do want to point out that there is a success story everyday here.that is so many of us are in recovery & "we have got it".our addicts may not but lots of us codies do.that is a success in its self. like so many here i was a total basket case when i found all my friends & family here. today most days anyway i can live happy and at peace with myself & the things that are going on around me. that in its self is a miracle. hugs & prayers for you & my f&f.

BigSis

Excellent thoughts, Ann.

Another thing I do, Frankly, when I am a little low on hope... I stop upstairs and read the addicts and alcoholics who are reaching out to others.

In real life, I attend AA meetings.

In both places, I hear stories of terrible despair and loss... followed by incredible recovery and a deep and abiding faith.

These stories buoy me up when I get to the point that I believe NOTHING will change - because those folks show me that yeah - it CAN and DOES change. For the better and more often than we realize.

Thank you for your post, Frankly... I've had these thoughts many a time, and I appreciate you articulating them here.

(((hugs)))

frankly

I love you all, do you know that? I truelly feel closer to everyone on this board than anyone other than my kids. You are real people, with kind caring hearts. Thank You.

I'm trying to let go of my hatred and negativity. I figure, I preach it, I had better practice it.

Again, I love you guys.
B

dollydo

Yes, addicts do have their own individual personalities, when they are clean, when they are not, there is a pattern of behavior that alters their individuality, their personalities. That to me, is where the same bucket syndrom comes in.

So many days, I feel like "What's the point in posting a response"? Then, I think back to when I first walked through the door of SR, and, how I so needed support, clarity and straight answers, and that is what I found here, that is what I embraced, and now I understand, this is a fellowship of people who support each other, regardless of where they are in their recovery from codependency. So, I post a response to possibly give others some clarity, some hope for a better life, for them, not the addict.

Yes, there are sucess stories for the addict, but, I focus on a sucess stories for the codie, whether they stay with the addict or not, they can get healty, they can have peace, that is why I respond, that is why I am still here.

May be my twisted logic.

Thanks for posting this thread Frankly, you are an inspiriation, to me.

Lobo

Frankly, Beautifully written. I get so much out of what you post. You have certainly touched my heart in many ways and I thank you for that. I do understand how you feel about reading all of the saddness and sometimes feeling hopeless. I too feel like that sometimes but something continues to draw me back to this forum.
I asked myself why and I realize it is because of people like you that are here to just say something that speaks to my heart. I don't get offended by anything......we are all here to try to help each other. We can take out of it what we want and what we need. Whether it is a son, daughter, husband, boyfriend, friend, relative, we all share a common bond. We all have an addict in our life. We can share love, hate, joy and tears. We can lift someone up when they are down, we can turn someones tears to a smile. We can share ideas and information. Some even go on trips together. ( : I probably have shared more on SR than I have ever shared with anyone. This is one place I can come and the light is always on.

I too love you...........Lois

greeteachday

Exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing your thoughts...your love...your heart. I know I have a little different perspective...with a child as the addict and loosing her so quickly. It somehow is easier to find that compassion, I think...weird as that may sound. I guess it is easier when the addict isn't constantly hurting you...I have always thought that the combination of a passionate love and addiction must be so incredibly difficult...A broken heart is so painful...a broken heart and the disease of addiction...wow...so hard; I'm so sorry.


I have always admired your strength; your honesty and the love that shines through your post. Thank you, Frankly...I truly love you too.

splendra

Oh Gaud! Do we have to talk about how ((((frankly))))) can grab your heart??? She is the only one who has ever made me cry here other than (((miracle)))rip...

It was a post she made directly to me she might not remember it but I do...

Hangin' In

Frankly,

I can certainly identify with that negative and judgmental thing...struggled with it my whole life. But then I came into recovery myself and I learned that I don't know what goes on in another person's head, heart or home. And I learned that through going to meetings. I truly believe meetings have helped me to become a less judgemental person and for that I am thankful.

Also attending open AA and NA meetings have really helped me understand the addict and their plight. My sponsor tells all her sponsees to attend open AA/NA meetings so we can learn how the addict/alcoholic feels. Those meetings have opened my eyes and taught me that I am in no position to judge anyone.

There IS hope for each and every strugging addict. But more importantly is there is hope for US, the loved one of that addict. That is what this board is all about...hope for a better life for US despite what our addicted loved one is doing. You said it, Frankly. There are success stories everyday around here. Maybe not success stories as "the world" would see them, but every tiny bit of progress for the struggling codie or "anoner" is huge, just huge. We have to look for the small miracles, the small, wonderful surprises that happen every day, Frankly, and know our HP can make the small bigger and bigger and BIGGER!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Live

I found after a few years had passed, after 2 years of no contact the xabf, I needed to make amends to him, as I only saw him as an aloholic and I lost and did not treat him with the respect due every human being.
The Dali Lama speaks most about compassion and it has broadened my heart and thoughts in that direction.

I understand the difficulty in coming back to the heartbreak of many who are hurting as that is in my past and I don't wish to live there, and don't like to bring that past into the present very much. And Yes, I am reluctant to post happiness posts. I too need a place of positivity in my life.

Spiritual Seeker

It may be true that the Moms stick around longer...we try to have hope, but sometimes we need to get support to keep it going. The reminder from you that others believe "I will believe in miricles" helps us to keep the faith. Thanks for your thoughtful post.

patchoulli

Your post hit home with me also. I used to feel better than the addicts and alcoholics. I too attend open AA meetings. I've made friends there. Good friends. When Keith was dying, my best friend Lynn held me up when I couldn't stand. She is a recovering alcoholic [5 years], No better friend anywhere. We go to meetings together and ride our motorcycles and just have a blast. She is the kind of friend that ends a conversation with "I love you" and says the words "you deserve better that that...just wait"...She is the one that took me to the adult toy store"forget a boyfriend for now"....Thanks for the reminder...

lil516

Excellent post.....it really has me thinking....

My son has been doing well and I often refer to that in a reply (hoping to give a little "hope" to someone else) but I am always afraid of being overly optimistic...sometimes that just goes back to the old superstitious feeling of "jinxing" the situation

does that make any sense??...my kids were the kind of babies that stopped sleeping through the night the minute I mentioned that they were sleeping!!...go figure!

but its more than just that simple explanation....

I also feel bad because its not all roses....his recovery moves forward one step at a time and sometimes it goes backward and stalls (which is where he is now) and I don't have the energy for all the ups and downs anymore....

I do find that i read more than i post but your words made me realize that perhaps I should post more ...

I know how important (life saving) SR was for me and I would like to offer that support to others...

so I'll try to post more in the future...
I usually read all posts and look for the places where I might have something to offer....

frankly

My amends with all the addict's out there, I will not judge, I will not accept it in my life, but I will no longer judge. That's someone elses job. My job is to keep my side of the street clean. Concentrate on doing the right things in my own life.

You ladies are some of the classiest people I have ever met.

Hugs
B