Forgiviness
I'm no angel!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Forgiviness
Learning to let go of grudges can set you free
by Kirsten Harrell, Psy.D.
There is no doubt that you have been faced with the challenge of whether or not to forgive someone who has hurt you. Forgiveness means to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone or some event. Forgiveness does not equate to condoning bad behavior. You can forgive someone and still desire and/or provide consequences for harmful behavior (i.e.: a person can remove themselves from an abusive relationship, file a police report and choose to forgive their partner). Forgiveness is about honoring your feelings in order to let them go, reclaiming your personal power, and learning to look for the opportunities in every situation.
All the major religions proclaim the spiritual importance of forgiveness and psychologists are now showing the psychological and physiological benefits of forgiveness. However, understanding the benefits and power of forgiveness is easier than following through and actually practicing forgiveness. A Gallup poll indicated that 94% of Americans believe that it is important to forgive; yet only 48% said that they usually try to forgive. Practicing forgiveness takes time, effort and practice it does not happen overnight.
Whether it is the person who cut you off in traffic, a loved one who mistreated you, a person who assaulted you, or a group of people who have committed atrocities, holding a grudge can have numerous detrimental effects on your life ? including your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Holding on to a grudge or a state of unforgiveness is associated with feelings of anger, hatred, resentment, bitterness, and hostility. Research (conducted by Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet at Hope College in Michigan) suggests that ruminating about grudges is stressful and can increase heart rate and blood pressure. There is also evidence to indicate that unforgiveness can compromise immune function and may increase risk of cardiovascular disease.
According to Fred Luskin, Ph.D., one of the leading researchers on the topic of forgiveness, practicing forgiveness can reduce stress, anger, depression and blood pressure. In addition, it can increase hope, optimism, compassion, and physical vitality. Forgiveness allows you to move past the painful emotions associated with holding a grudge and toward happiness and well-being. Forgiveness is linked to higher self-esteem, better moods, and happier relationships.
The first step in forgiving others is to allow yourself to feel your feelings fully. Whatever has happened, it is important to honor your feelings. When you allow yourself the freedom to feel, your emotions will build to a peak and then dissipate again. Unfortunately, many people are afraid of the intensity of emotions and tend to block the flow. Blocking emotions in this way keeps the emotional energy trapped. Over time this creates stress because you have to work to keep all of this pent up emotional energy under control like trying to keep a lid on a pressure cooker. Contrary to what many people believe, letting your emotions flow is the best way to let go of them and to move forward. If you believe that your emotions may be too much for you to handle on your own, you may want to seek professional guidance as you learn to feel your emotions.
by Kirsten Harrell, Psy.D.
There is no doubt that you have been faced with the challenge of whether or not to forgive someone who has hurt you. Forgiveness means to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone or some event. Forgiveness does not equate to condoning bad behavior. You can forgive someone and still desire and/or provide consequences for harmful behavior (i.e.: a person can remove themselves from an abusive relationship, file a police report and choose to forgive their partner). Forgiveness is about honoring your feelings in order to let them go, reclaiming your personal power, and learning to look for the opportunities in every situation.
All the major religions proclaim the spiritual importance of forgiveness and psychologists are now showing the psychological and physiological benefits of forgiveness. However, understanding the benefits and power of forgiveness is easier than following through and actually practicing forgiveness. A Gallup poll indicated that 94% of Americans believe that it is important to forgive; yet only 48% said that they usually try to forgive. Practicing forgiveness takes time, effort and practice it does not happen overnight.
Whether it is the person who cut you off in traffic, a loved one who mistreated you, a person who assaulted you, or a group of people who have committed atrocities, holding a grudge can have numerous detrimental effects on your life ? including your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Holding on to a grudge or a state of unforgiveness is associated with feelings of anger, hatred, resentment, bitterness, and hostility. Research (conducted by Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet at Hope College in Michigan) suggests that ruminating about grudges is stressful and can increase heart rate and blood pressure. There is also evidence to indicate that unforgiveness can compromise immune function and may increase risk of cardiovascular disease.
According to Fred Luskin, Ph.D., one of the leading researchers on the topic of forgiveness, practicing forgiveness can reduce stress, anger, depression and blood pressure. In addition, it can increase hope, optimism, compassion, and physical vitality. Forgiveness allows you to move past the painful emotions associated with holding a grudge and toward happiness and well-being. Forgiveness is linked to higher self-esteem, better moods, and happier relationships.
The first step in forgiving others is to allow yourself to feel your feelings fully. Whatever has happened, it is important to honor your feelings. When you allow yourself the freedom to feel, your emotions will build to a peak and then dissipate again. Unfortunately, many people are afraid of the intensity of emotions and tend to block the flow. Blocking emotions in this way keeps the emotional energy trapped. Over time this creates stress because you have to work to keep all of this pent up emotional energy under control like trying to keep a lid on a pressure cooker. Contrary to what many people believe, letting your emotions flow is the best way to let go of them and to move forward. If you believe that your emotions may be too much for you to handle on your own, you may want to seek professional guidance as you learn to feel your emotions.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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charles stanley preached on forgiveness this morning.does anyone watch him on t.v.? it seems to mr. hope & i,he preaches on the steps alot.we always watch him before we go to church.anybody see it this morning?
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA
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Within the last month I was listening to a program on television, probably Oprah, while I was reading Melody Beattie's book, Dependent No More. Stimulated by something on the television, I wrote a note in the heading of the book "F word = forgiveness." The notation just happened to be in the section called Remove the Victim. We who cannot forgive are victims.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
That was really good. I am having a difficult time right now letting go of the grudge against my RAH. I have examined my emotions carefully, but still have some really wild thoughts and bad days.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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Good post, Dolly. Thank you. I am struggling with anger and resentment currently, and I realize it is going to take forgiveness to deal with. In my stubbornness, I don't want to forgive at the moment.
Hope213, I saw Charles Stanley on tv today. It was a really good message. I watch every Sunday also. I also watch T.D. Jakes, then the Australian Pastor Ashley Evans, then Dr. Stanley before church!
Hope213, I saw Charles Stanley on tv today. It was a really good message. I watch every Sunday also. I also watch T.D. Jakes, then the Australian Pastor Ashley Evans, then Dr. Stanley before church!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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I agree. Forgiveness is important to mental and emotional health. Where I used to get messed up is that for a long time I thought that if I forgave my ex for abusing me, then that meant I had to also 'forget' and continue in the marriage.
Then I finally got it. The choice to forgive him was not for his benefit. I did it for me, to stop allowing all of it to eat away at me. It really seemed to be the last stronghold of control that he had over me, the rage that that those horrible memories brings to the surface. It certainly wasn't hurting him; it was only hurting me.
In forgiving, I am not forgetting that he abused me for years. But at the same time I am not letting the anger that I felt toward him define who I am any longer.
Whoever came up with the idea 'forgive and forget' obviously never loved anyone like my EXAH. I no longer believe that God desires for me to forget. His word tells me to forgive, but in multiple places He also tells me to 'remember'. I believe He desires for me to remember so I will no longer put myself in danger. If I don't remember, I can't learn a better way.
In forgiving EXAH, in no way am I saying it was ok for him to treat me and my kids the way he did (still does...). And I most certainly will never trust him again. I decided several months ago to 'guard my heart' against his abuse. It wasn't easy but it is definitely worth it!
None of us will ever be the same person we were before addiction came into our lives. In many ways, though, we can actually be better for the experience. Like forgiveness, what we take from the experience is our choice.
It would be easy to become bitter and lose all hope that life could ever be any better. Or.....
We can have compassion on others that are stuck on the roller coaster; we can reach out and try to share what we have been through and perhaps save someone else from not only self-destruction but from doing all the wrong things in an effort to 'help' their addicts. We can let others know that they are not alone and that we understand their pain. I believe that in doing these things, we receive healing for our own hearts as a bonus.
Then I finally got it. The choice to forgive him was not for his benefit. I did it for me, to stop allowing all of it to eat away at me. It really seemed to be the last stronghold of control that he had over me, the rage that that those horrible memories brings to the surface. It certainly wasn't hurting him; it was only hurting me.
In forgiving, I am not forgetting that he abused me for years. But at the same time I am not letting the anger that I felt toward him define who I am any longer.
Whoever came up with the idea 'forgive and forget' obviously never loved anyone like my EXAH. I no longer believe that God desires for me to forget. His word tells me to forgive, but in multiple places He also tells me to 'remember'. I believe He desires for me to remember so I will no longer put myself in danger. If I don't remember, I can't learn a better way.
In forgiving EXAH, in no way am I saying it was ok for him to treat me and my kids the way he did (still does...). And I most certainly will never trust him again. I decided several months ago to 'guard my heart' against his abuse. It wasn't easy but it is definitely worth it!
None of us will ever be the same person we were before addiction came into our lives. In many ways, though, we can actually be better for the experience. Like forgiveness, what we take from the experience is our choice.
It would be easy to become bitter and lose all hope that life could ever be any better. Or.....
We can have compassion on others that are stuck on the roller coaster; we can reach out and try to share what we have been through and perhaps save someone else from not only self-destruction but from doing all the wrong things in an effort to 'help' their addicts. We can let others know that they are not alone and that we understand their pain. I believe that in doing these things, we receive healing for our own hearts as a bonus.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Dolly -
thanks for this post. I keep having my resentments bubble up at my RAH regarding the past. I keep dealing with it but I feel that what you wrote about in your post might be my problem with why the resentments reappear....I haven't fully experienced my feelings. I've attempted to be rather zen-like with them and I can tell that they are smolering below the surface. I seem to do fine as long as his character defects are receding (not much of that lately as he is pretty much a "dry" addict) but when a trust issue comes up, he lies about something little, he's self centered, etc. all the resentments can flare right back up.
Another inkling of feeling that I have is that I am extremely angry at myself for having gotten into this situation and all of the codie stuff that goes with it.
I probably can't really get to the bottom of forgiving him for all of the past until I can forgive myself. I'm not there yet....progress not perfection. Thanks - Donna
thanks for this post. I keep having my resentments bubble up at my RAH regarding the past. I keep dealing with it but I feel that what you wrote about in your post might be my problem with why the resentments reappear....I haven't fully experienced my feelings. I've attempted to be rather zen-like with them and I can tell that they are smolering below the surface. I seem to do fine as long as his character defects are receding (not much of that lately as he is pretty much a "dry" addict) but when a trust issue comes up, he lies about something little, he's self centered, etc. all the resentments can flare right back up.
Another inkling of feeling that I have is that I am extremely angry at myself for having gotten into this situation and all of the codie stuff that goes with it.
I probably can't really get to the bottom of forgiving him for all of the past until I can forgive myself. I'm not there yet....progress not perfection. Thanks - Donna
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
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I have recently made the decision to forgive my AD. What is past is past and it does me no good to hold onto the resentments. I let myself feel them and get as mad as I needed. Now it is time to let them go. That does not mean that I have forgotten what she did. Only that I will no longer let my hatred control me. All the enabling and lies etc. was there to teach me that I needed to give up playing God and I WILL NOT repeat that behavior in the future. Really letting her go in my mind and in my heart helped me a lot. It took me almost 3 years to do it and I made many mistakes along the way. But each mistake brought me to this place so I guess I needed everyone of them
Hugs, Marle
Hugs, Marle
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