greeneyedgirl

I feel like an episode of Jerry Springer! I feel like if I talk about it with aquaintances then I will be judged. There have to be more people in a similar situation.

marle

I still have feelings of shame for what my daughter is doing but it is not as bad as it used to be. I am honest with people when they ask about her because I have found that most people have someone in their background that has a problem with substances. I used to hide in my house and not want to go anywhere for fear of running into someone that I knew. I no longer isolate, but there are times when I see kids she went to high school with and I have to really do a lot of self-talk to not fall back into negative thinking. So you are not alone by a long shot. I think shame goes along with addiction and not just for the addict. Hugs, Marle

Spiritual Seeker

I use to only show my perfect self to others. Now that I've learned to be emotionally available to myself and others I share freely with my friends about my character defects and the pain I have because my only child is an addict. This time of yr. is hard, because other people's kids are graduating college, traveling, getting great jobs, having babies, buying houses and my son is an estranged addict. But that is my reality.That is part of who I am. I own it and I am not ashamed.I've learned not to wrap a story around things and just accept what is. Maybe you can do the same.

raerae6

"those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."


I kept everything secret for a long time, except with a few people...but once I did start telling more people, I found that there are many who understand. Addiction is so common. Most people do have an addict in their life, or they have in the past.

I have to admit, there are a few people who I haven't told because they are really judgemental people who lead "perfect" lives. People who would be very shocked.

I wish now that I would have told more people at the beginning because I would have had more support to get out sooner.....

SaTiT

been there..
Sorry don't know what to say that'll make you feel better,
cuz I've been there.

I had to sleep on it for while...

ladyamalthea

My sister has a heroin problem, and I do sometimes feel like I am being judged for her actions. It makes things that much harder! I love her with all my heart, but I am at a point where I don't know what to do, let alone think or feel.

upsidedownworld

I know what you mean - I am so ashamed. I have not told ONE person that my daughter is a heroin addict. Not one. I found out March 12, 2007 and I have isolated ever since. I know that this is her problem and mine is that I am taking the blame for something that I didn't cause, but it's the way I feel. I know that at some point I will have to start working on me but for now....one day at a time.

dollydo

If you talk in general to other people about drugs, you will be amazed what comes out of their mouths. Someone in their family or a close friend is hooked or was hooked on a substance.

I have found they will open up and so do I. It has been a good experience for me, no judgements have been cast in either direction, just a common ground.

patchoulli

I am very honest with people about Keith dying and the reason I have Xander. I know this is not my shame to own. As said above, when we tell our story, most people have similar issues[alcoholism, drugs, abandonment]. I don't just blurt out my story, but if someone asks, I don't lie about it. It made me uncomfortable..and the funny thing is People really like me...I am real and they can be too.

caileesnana

I hid in the house for years, avoiding others, same as all above. Only hurt me! This forum gave me the courage and strength to begin to heal. I still feel shame, sometimes. Shame is an insult on the "self" where guilt is a behavior that can be changed/forgiven. I read that recently, however it was written better. I'll see if I can find the exact words. I shamed by daughter and that didn't help at all, made it worse. Now I have more empathy, less anger, some pity...most of all hope and praise!
God bless you all!
susan

marteen

I'm so sorry that you and others feel ashamed for the behavior of another person, but I perfectly understand.

I used to feel like that but that was before I got "recovery" under MY belt. Especially as a parent, you feel responsible for the way your kids turn out.

You are NOT responsible. We have our children on loan while they are growing up but once they can make their own decisions as to their own life, we don't own them and although the "lease" seems to continue forever, we relinquish our control over them because we simply do not have it. They are responsible for their own decisions; their own lives.

I find now that I am not ashamed but there are some people I would rather not discuss it with but that is MY prerogative. And those people are ones I would probably never be close to or feel trust with.

I did find, however, that once I started talking about it with others, I was amazed at how understanding people were and how many lives have been touched or affected by addiction.

Don't isolate yourself with your knowledge or problems; allow yourself to reach out. You will also find like I have that I have helped others who were afraid to say anything.

People who are worth it understand that addiction is no ones fault but the behavior of the addict lies with the addict themselves; no one else!

You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; and you can't Cure it!! Those are the 3 C's we use here.

Lots of hugs,
marteen

splendra

When I pass by the local mini mart near my house and see my H standing out in the parking lot obviously high I feel a twinge of embarrassment and shame. When people ask me with knitted brows and a concerned look what is he doing...I feel it then too.

I have thought about calling the owner of that store and asking him if he knows that drug deals are going on in his parking lot...but I have to let it go and take care of myself and not force because I have really caused myself some intense suffering and shame by trying to force my solution on one of the As in my life.

When I feel ashamed I go through a little process of acknowledging it to myself asking myself why I feel shame because of someone else's behavior I call my sponcer too and she helps me further to not internalize the shame...

2muchlove

I hear you, I stopped calling all of my family, I stopped callingall of his family. I shut off mu friends and isolated myself with-in my house. being embarrassed. I still do that sometimes.

its sad.


I have to turn it over to my higher pwer and let go.

I even got so depressed that I didn't get out of bed litterly for months.

ladyamalthea

That makes me feel better, just because at one point I wanted to stay in bed for months... I couldn't, but if I could have, I would have. Although, it wasn't so much for shame, it was just that I was that depressed about the situation.

sobercuse

I feel ashamed too. My aS says, "You don't understand Mom, I'm a crack addict."...and that justifies why he can steal and loose everything......Heroin and Crack is what he has gotten into this time.

This is way more powerful than me. It is out of my control.

The loss of it all is what hurts so.
I need to get to meetings or something. I've got too much negativity and isolation going on.

Thanks for bringing this up. There is a war on drugs right here close to home.

krhea75

I guess I feel embarrassed that it has gone on too long...3 years. I'm a teacher of high school students and my own son may not even graduate. When I look at my students and watch them hit milestones such as a drivers' license, prom, graduating, it makes me sad. I am trying to stay in the present and not compare my life with others. I do have so much to be thankful for in spite of my son's addiction. Thanks for the post, it looks like it hit a nerve with many.
krhea

Lovestoomuch

I couldn't have said it better myself.

devastated

I guess I use to feel my son's addiction was all my fault. I thought I must have been a rotten mother. I blamed myself for all his problems.

Then I found this forum and realized I was not alone and there were a lot of good people out there that had sons and daughters that weren't exactly perfect either.

I guess at this point in my life I just don't care what people think. Mr. Dev and I are good people, and my son's sins are not our sins. I am only guilty of loving him too much, and am sure a lot of moms are guilty of that.

So, if people, like the mailman, are bold enough to ask who I know in prison, I'm bold enough to tell him it's my son. If he wants to tell the neighbors, let him. I've got better things to do than to worry about what anyone thinks.

You know what my motto is:

If you are talking about me behind my back, you can kiss my a-- while you're there!

Don't anyone feel shame for what is not your fault. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it!

Hugs, Devastated