If you are wondering how to get the alcoholic/addict to change
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
If you are wondering how to get the alcoholic/addict to change
This has probably been posted before.....but it never hurts to be reminded......
If you are wondering how to get the alcoholic/addict to change, then here is the answer (right between the eyes).
If you are wrestling with how to get the alcoholic/addict to stop drinking/using, or how to get the alcoholic/addict to change back to the person they once were, or how to get the alcoholic/addict to love you, or how to get the alcoholic/addict to start acting responsibly. The answer is simple: That is not who they are anymore. They are who they are. You are who you are. What is, is. If who they are and who you are become incompatible, then you get out of the relationship.
In other words, you either accept the alcoholic/addict for who they are, or you leave the relationship. You either accept their drinking, smoking crack, lying, fooling around, irresponsibility, abusiveness, and multitude of other unacceptable behaviors or you leave the relationship.
In any relationship, you either accept the person for who they are, or you are not in a relationship with them. If you accept who a person is, then you do not complain about their behavior. So, you only have one question to answer and one decision to make: Is who you are compatible with who they are?
It is that simple. To think otherwise is to remain in denial. You cannot control another person. You cannot change another person. Period. Stop trying. You are NOT responsible for the alcoholic/addict’s recovery in any way, shape, or form. You are only responsible for YOUR recovery. Be about it.
You can either take care of the problem now, or suffer longer and STILL take care of the problem later. Either way, you WILL take care of it eventually, or die from the pain. Your choice.
So often, we fall in love with who we want the person to be, not with who they really are. We fall in love with the potential we see in them and ignore the reality of who they are now. If you’ve ever said or thought, "I can change him/her," then you have accepted the alcoholic/addict—not for who they are now—but for who you want them to be. This can only result in heartache—for both of you.
What is, is. The sooner you come to terms with "what is," the sooner you will find strength, freedom, and happiness.
If you think the above is incorrect, then you are only fooling yourself. If you have not yet survived and grown beyond an alcoholic/addict relationship, then you owe it to yourself to listen to those who have.
To be rather blunt, you can cry all the tears in your well; you can feel all the pain and rage stored up in your soul; you can live in utter misery on a daily basis, you can vent your frustrations to others a thousand times, and guess what? Nothing will change. Nothing.
Nothing will change, that is, until YOU change, because that is all you can change. Just YOU… not the alcoholic, not the addict, not whether they call, or whether they get sloshed; not whether they yell or scream obscenities, not whether they go to rehab, and on and on and on. Nothing will change until you change, and if nothing changes, then nothing changes.
Now, be about changing the only person that you can ever hope to change—YOU. Stop with the multitude of excuses as to why you can’t resolve your alcoholic/addict relationship. Start coming up with all the reasons why you CAN.
The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be free.
author unknown
If you are wondering how to get the alcoholic/addict to change, then here is the answer (right between the eyes).
If you are wrestling with how to get the alcoholic/addict to stop drinking/using, or how to get the alcoholic/addict to change back to the person they once were, or how to get the alcoholic/addict to love you, or how to get the alcoholic/addict to start acting responsibly. The answer is simple: That is not who they are anymore. They are who they are. You are who you are. What is, is. If who they are and who you are become incompatible, then you get out of the relationship.
In other words, you either accept the alcoholic/addict for who they are, or you leave the relationship. You either accept their drinking, smoking crack, lying, fooling around, irresponsibility, abusiveness, and multitude of other unacceptable behaviors or you leave the relationship.
In any relationship, you either accept the person for who they are, or you are not in a relationship with them. If you accept who a person is, then you do not complain about their behavior. So, you only have one question to answer and one decision to make: Is who you are compatible with who they are?
It is that simple. To think otherwise is to remain in denial. You cannot control another person. You cannot change another person. Period. Stop trying. You are NOT responsible for the alcoholic/addict’s recovery in any way, shape, or form. You are only responsible for YOUR recovery. Be about it.
You can either take care of the problem now, or suffer longer and STILL take care of the problem later. Either way, you WILL take care of it eventually, or die from the pain. Your choice.
So often, we fall in love with who we want the person to be, not with who they really are. We fall in love with the potential we see in them and ignore the reality of who they are now. If you’ve ever said or thought, "I can change him/her," then you have accepted the alcoholic/addict—not for who they are now—but for who you want them to be. This can only result in heartache—for both of you.
What is, is. The sooner you come to terms with "what is," the sooner you will find strength, freedom, and happiness.
If you think the above is incorrect, then you are only fooling yourself. If you have not yet survived and grown beyond an alcoholic/addict relationship, then you owe it to yourself to listen to those who have.
To be rather blunt, you can cry all the tears in your well; you can feel all the pain and rage stored up in your soul; you can live in utter misery on a daily basis, you can vent your frustrations to others a thousand times, and guess what? Nothing will change. Nothing.
Nothing will change, that is, until YOU change, because that is all you can change. Just YOU… not the alcoholic, not the addict, not whether they call, or whether they get sloshed; not whether they yell or scream obscenities, not whether they go to rehab, and on and on and on. Nothing will change until you change, and if nothing changes, then nothing changes.
Now, be about changing the only person that you can ever hope to change—YOU. Stop with the multitude of excuses as to why you can’t resolve your alcoholic/addict relationship. Start coming up with all the reasons why you CAN.
The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be free.
author unknown
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter is a lying, manipulative, abusive drug addict. I am an honest, hard-working caring person with good values. Are we compatible. Absolutely not. That is why I stay away. And probably why she does too
Thanks for the post. Makes such perfect sense. Wish we could all just get it the first time. Hugs, Marle
Thanks for the post. Makes such perfect sense. Wish we could all just get it the first time. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Just,
Thank you for your post. It is all so true. Do you remember where you first read it?
It reminded me of this lady I knew from another forum. She recently passed away. I really miss her. She is the one that suggested to read "What Men Really Want by Herb Goldberg". I copied this from one of her threads.
"Let Him Be Himself. don't disrespect him or complain about him. enjoy him, or stop dating him. if this is the type of man you like, than date him. if not, then don't go on anymore dates. he is allowed to be himself. there is no reason why he shouldn't be."
It really is about true acceptance. If you can accept someone, than you accept them. If you can't, then gracefully move on without it being anyone's fault.
Thanks Again Just,
Lithloren
Thank you for your post. It is all so true. Do you remember where you first read it?
It reminded me of this lady I knew from another forum. She recently passed away. I really miss her. She is the one that suggested to read "What Men Really Want by Herb Goldberg". I copied this from one of her threads.
"Let Him Be Himself. don't disrespect him or complain about him. enjoy him, or stop dating him. if this is the type of man you like, than date him. if not, then don't go on anymore dates. he is allowed to be himself. there is no reason why he shouldn't be."
It really is about true acceptance. If you can accept someone, than you accept them. If you can't, then gracefully move on without it being anyone's fault.
Thanks Again Just,
Lithloren
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
Lithorin,
Sorry I don't remember where or when I first read this.....I have been involved in this addiction game for a long time and over the years when I run across something that helps me, I put it in a journal....I go back and read when I am having a day that I need reinforcement...I try to always put the author if I know it, as to give the rightful person credit, but sometime that is not possible....I am glad you enjoyed it, as I did....it truly is about acceptance and choices.....
Peace
Sorry I don't remember where or when I first read this.....I have been involved in this addiction game for a long time and over the years when I run across something that helps me, I put it in a journal....I go back and read when I am having a day that I need reinforcement...I try to always put the author if I know it, as to give the rightful person credit, but sometime that is not possible....I am glad you enjoyed it, as I did....it truly is about acceptance and choices.....
Peace
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Bump!
This was a good reminder for me to read today. It's so easy to forget and I keep on those rose colored glasses for too long Thought it might be helpful for others too!
This was a good reminder for me to read today. It's so easy to forget and I keep on those rose colored glasses for too long
Thought it might be helpful for others too!
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