finallyout

I Can Not Take My Coworkers Negativity And Bad Attitudes Anymore!! Arghh, I'm Going Out For A Cig And They Better Get Over Their Sh*t When I Come Back In. I'm So Glad I'm Out Of Here Soon!!!!

cinderellawkids

I just realized, its been a while. Not long, but a while like 10 to 12 weeks somewhere that weve been separated. We havent had a true heart to heart conversation even a few weeks before that. Then there was the 4 weeks of no...nothing and I thought just amybe he was dead.

No wonder theres no warmth between us. I dont know him, nor do I ever want to know what its like with no power or water (BTW when they went to turn water back on Friday they broke the nozzle, the water guy did. so still no water)
and more so, Ive changed a lot, the boys have changed a lot. He doesnt know me either truly not at all.

It doesnt matter, but just a thought I had

cinderellawkids

Maybe Im mad hes sober. Tha anger part of me wants him to fail miserably and be so miserable. I dont really want that. When I said something about him not caring he said quietly if only you knew. Then he had to go said he was starting to grit his teeth and he didnt like that feeling/mood anymore.

How dare he recover before me.
(Am I really losing it!!! Nah just trying to regroup and find humor in the grieving stage)

teke

cinder, i think you are doing so good, just because he seems to be clean for today and is not willing to allow himself to feel that unwanted feeling right now, don't mean that he is recovering before you. you began your recovery long before now, and its shows. i can understand what he could have meant by saying" if you only knew" active addiction is so painful, i've said it before, i knew when the time came that me making promises that i didn't think that i could keep, was something thing that i had no desire to do anymore, all i wanted to do was to prove to myself and then to my love ones that i could be more responsible and i knew that they would only believe my actions and that it would not happen in a month or two, that it would take time for my family to believe in me again and i was willing to work toward that goal. a lot of the time even i couldn't see progress, but i just kept trying to move forward one step at a time.

i do understand how you feel though, seems like they can just walk away, scott free, no responsibilities unless they choose to have some. seems like life goes on for them while we, the ones in so much pain from their addiction, is left with the struggles. think cinder, how good could he be, he's finally haveing to be responsible for himself if nothing more for now, he has to miss you , the kids and all the pets.

btw, what do he think about templeton

cinderellawkids

he thinks having Templeton is nuts!!! LOL, thats partly why I got him.

Deep down I know he loves me, I just want it all now!!! LOL.

I remember my rabrother telling me that he could never have fully embraced recovery if he hadnt left/thrown out by his now ex wife. He said she was too angry, lost, bitter and never expected him to recover. He eneded to be alone to get it and act on it completely, yet he wouldnt ahve done so had she not forced him out.
I need to remmeber that and when I feel hurt, wait to emotionalize it till I get off the phone, then write it all done. That will help em cause then I will ahve no regrets for my reactions.

finallyout

cindi- my husband thought getting my nose pierced was crazy - which is exactly why i did it - just to spite him, i knew he didn't like them - but who cares, hes not the boss of me!!!

i've heard now quite a few times from different addicts that getting throw out/being homeless/losing it all was what forced them to seek recovery. its so hard to watch them suffer like that - but when my husband was losing everything and i wanted to help him i just kept reminding myself that if i helped him i was keeping him from hitting bottom and getting into recovery. the last time we saw each other he did say to me that he knew i did the right thing by leaving and that as much as he hated jail it was a wake up call to him that he was stuck there and no one would pay his fines for him, accept his calls or even come see him. we have to let them fall, not just for our own sanity but theirs too.

cinderellawkids

I feel I did let him fall, the thing with the house and the last chance is I just dont want the hassel of dealing with him in that way. Does that make sense?

I was just thinking Ah has to go to water co by my work cause of the nozzle being broken. Its in my maiden name, they let him pay it fine, but they arent gonna discuss the problem with him, I just told my Office manager, if I come and ask her if I can go tell me NO, if he shows up here.

cinderellawkids

Maybe Ill get another rat, just for the funniness of it all.

finallyout

i agree - you did let him fall. and i totally understand about not wanting to deal with the house- you will when you are ready too.

finallyout

another rat??? you are losing it girl!

cinderellawkids

not really Finally. I was just thinking at the look on his face when he met Templeton, the the look when the boys showed him their hamsters , its priceless

cinderellawkids

You know this man has a crazy notion that hes gonna give me the money I want and show up once a week spend a afternoon together (thinks we are gonna have sex) and then go back to living separate lives the rest of the week. He really believes this?
LOL
maybe he has issues letting go too

finallyout

oh i agree- you should've seen my husband's face when he saw the nose piercing - wish i had had my camera with me!

finallyout

i think hes trying to have you and the life?? (using) he wants at the same time. at least thats what mine admitted to. when we first separated he thought it might not be so bad doing what he wants and having us visit one weekend a month to see the kids and have sex. well i wasn't having that and put my foot down and then all his sh*t hit the fan and now here we are....(as soon as i figure out where we are i'll let you know!)

finallyout

yeah - i'm slowly learning that noones the boss of me!! i'm just got tired of trying to do what everyone else wants me to. you know thats my 7yr olds fav saying - i should've listened a little more closely to it long before now.

cinderellawkids

Remember that weekedn I was sooo upset so I went and colored my hair light red/strawberry blonde.
When he finally saw it he loved it, maybe I should change to purple or like my sister black with red tips and Ill paint my nails black

teke

you know guys this helped me to remember why the no contact thing was kind of good for the addict too. while i was using, i kind of did ok as long as my family was there when i thought i wanted them there, and that was probably only when i couldn't get high. now thats when things got out of hand, when i didnt' have drugs and the family wasn't there for me to find some sort of comfort. i think yes, addicts want to have their cake and eat it too. see thats the plan, manipulate and lie all you can and do the best you can to keep life in tact while sneaking out on an occassional binge. makes sense to me

finallyout

i'm gonna vote for purple - thats my fav color.

cinderellawkids

Im gonna keep getting tanner, looking beautiful ect and one day just look at his and say eat your heart out.
LOL
His mom said when hes sober it kills him not to be with me and then kills him to be around me and know he cant stay. By the looks of his skin color, I dont really think he's been using. He says he hasnt drank if a couple weeks, but my boss says watch the way he rocks on his heel, its indicative that is likely not accurate

cinderellawkids

When I get real tan Im gonna get a huge (fake) henna tattoo and make sure he sees it.


You know guys Im just having fun, thinking light of the subject helps me.