HKAngel24

Grrr- he makes me SO mad I could scream. So upset.
I have been trying to protect myself- can't talk to him because his phone was shutoff from not paying the bill.
Why do I answer when he still calls?

Today he called me. Told me some very gross stuff- he was shooting up everyday spending his whole paycheck on that and he couldn't stop.
I am so speechless and angry- things I knew but to have them confirmed is so devestating.

As we ended the end of our conversation in which I wanted to just say "please change. I love you." but didn't- he had to start being nasty saying things like, "call me if you ever want to see me." How can HE be so mean to me after all of this? It's so incredibly unfair. I am so angry.

He has no respect for me or our relationship and he has the audacity to say such things to me and to behave in a way that makes it seem as though I am the one to blame?

This man has lied to me and betrayd me and deceived me beyond my wildest imagination. HE should be the one apologizing and attempting to make amends.
So childish.
Clearly he does not care enough about me to behave in any other way except being nasty. Arrogant almost. I have given him everything and he STILL cannot take responsibility for what he is doing/has been doing.
It's hard iin the moment to remember how sick and dysfunctional he really is so i end up reacting and getting upset.
How dare he say those things to me.

splendra

((((HKAngel))))

I am hoping that you can take the focus off of how he treats you and begin to treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Don't forget that he is sick. I know it is no excuse but it is what it is.

You could litterly rock back and forth with him for years and nothing will change. If you want change; change yourself. Get in touch with what you want from a relationship and ask yourself does what you have with this man meet your requirements.

cinderellawkids

He has a disease. nothing you do or say will change it.
My AH and I cannot be together not because of his use necessarily, but because Im a reactionary. Im working on that intently. Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie goes into that subject.

HKAngel24

Thank you both for your response-
Detaching from the behavior and grabbing 'hold of myself is not easy.
Especially when he does SUCH a good job of acting like he's sane and calm and I'm the nutcase.

I HATE the "i love him- i want things to work" pull that exists simultaneously with the "he has hurt me and disrespected me one too many times- i deserve more."

splendra

Hey I can admit to being the nut case okay so I am a nut case but somehow I manage to keep a roof over both our heads and I must be crazy to let him get away with his $h!t....hey maybe going to the nut house would be a good break...nothing makes me crazier than trying to believe a druggies lies...

cinderellawkids

They all seem to act sane while we are falling apart. For me I know I fall apart cause im holding everything else together. My AH has had so many breaks from responsibility and the real world between rehab and jail while I worked 2 jobs, no wonder Im the nutty one

patchoulli

Here is what I know. I lived like a bag woman in a hovel for a year and I'm a nurse. We never had any money and I was so stupid I couldn't figure out why...He has been gone a little over 3 months, I have been able to hire someone to work on my house, I just bought beautiful new wool area rugs for my new livingroom where as before I was lucky to buy a new bra. The insanity is so overwhelming....I am so grateful for today.....Marian

starting_over

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you HK...I agree with the others that we must take the focus off the addict and begin living for ourselves and taking care of ourselves. I am doing that myself, just as you seem to be doing. But this behavior, the accusations, the superior attitudes, the self-righteous indignation and rage they project onto us. I simply don't understand it. I've asked the question on this board before...why is HE mad at ME??? He's the one who brought drugs into our life. He's the one who did the disappearing acts. He's the one who spent the night in a nasty hotel smoking crack with a strange woman. He's the one who spent all our money. But I got very much the same attitude as you are getting when I had the nerve to have an emotional response and reaction to all his bulls**t. I was "over-reacting, as usual", I was "unstable", I was "crazy", "nuts", "going off the deep end over nothing". When I finally had the courage to leave him in December, I started to get notes from him criticizing me for my inability to handle the situation "maturely", and making mention of my "troubled mind". WTF?? WTF?? As little as a few weeks ago (and we are now separated 6 months and living in separate cities"), I called him to tell him that I was in his town working and would like to drop off the spare key to our house to him because he's now paid me out for my half. He was so viciously cold and rude and dismissive to me on the phone that he was able to cut me to shreds with only a few words. I can't imagine how he can possibly still be THIS angry with me....for what? Leaving him? He went with another woman, and he spent THOUSANDS of dollars without my knowledge - he would have likely expected me to help him repay it without even giving me the courtesy of knowing what I was repaying it FOR!! So I left. And he remains absolutely enraged and clearly blaming me for the loss of our marriage. I'm with you HK...I don't understand it. I don't understand any of it. Some think that he's really angry with himself...maybe your husband is also. Aside from that, no one has really been able to explain this behaviour to me - the blaming and projecting. I've taken all the advice given to me...I'm focused on myself and building my new life. Thoughts of him take up less and less of my waking hours now - but I still have the same questions as you do. Maybe if there are truly no answers, at least there is some kind of comfort in knowing that this is not unique to us - seems that lots of these guys act and react in the same ways. But it is so painful.... I'm like you - I struggle with the "I love him still" thoughts, all mixed in with "why would I love someone who does these things", and "I know this is an illness and he can't help himself"...very confusing, very painful, very demeaning to be discarded and erased like a nothing after giving EVERYTHING.