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apologies to those invovled with addicts

Old 06-07-2007, 08:19 PM
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apologies to those invovled with addicts

you know, a couple weeks ago I threw a fit because the abf was hanging around with these other addicts and I happened to have the phone number of one of them. So I called her up and left a string of messages furious at her (like as if it was her fault) because he has told her many times he doesn't want to use and she keeps letting him come over to join the gang...anyway, i called her a skank and used a series of other expletives about her and her boyfriend and the other people they hang out with.

Then the abf has this talk with me about how bad it makes him feel when I talk call the other addicts creeps and skanks, because after all, how is he any different from them...etc.

and I got to thinking about everyone else here, the parents of addicts, the siblings, the boy and girl friends, the spouses, and I realized that what I am saying is that all those addicts you guys know are also skanky-yucky people, and I know my abf isn't.

I am sorry for ever calling any of the other addicts around my abf anything like that, or speaking of them in a derogatory manner. sometimes in my anger at the abf I transfer that anger on to the people he uses with. I know that these are all people, most are good people with a crummy disease, and we all love them and care for them.

I want to apologize if I ever ranted in one of my posts and used this language and you thought to yourself "hey that's my daughter she is talking about and she isn't some crack-***** but rather just a nice girl who got off track."

I am going to not think about the addicts in this way, but rather as human beings with serious problems that just need help but for whatever reason do not get themselves what they need.
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Old 06-07-2007, 08:33 PM
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No hurt feelings on my part, and I'm the mother of 2 RA's.

I can understand how people have
that viewpoint until they begin their own recovery.

Or until they walk in our shoes.
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Old 06-07-2007, 08:54 PM
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it is ok. sometimes we do forget when we talk about the other people we r also talking about the one we love. there are those who just made a wrong choice.hugs,hope
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Old 06-07-2007, 09:08 PM
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Hi, I never took offence. I have used drugs in my life quite a bit, as well. Somehow i stopped before I became addicted. But 'there but by the grace of God go I' as they say.

Sometimes when I post on here I have described my ex as a 'crackhead' and i never thought about it until now, but I imagine that labeling people who are addicted to crack as 'crackhead' is derogatory and I hope that I haven't offended anyone here. I think I will stop using the term. It's just that I get so mad at him, I guess that's why i used it.
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Old 06-07-2007, 09:08 PM
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I get it, Oneeye... been there, done that... had to make some amends.

The little gal who got my daughter started on meth, then became her dealer showed up at the hospital when little guy was born. She was about 6 months clean herself, but still struggling with cravings and such.

You know what? She is a very intelligent, charismatic young woman. The kind I've often been drawn to. Yet, I wished her death... an ugly, painful one, many times over.

And I wonder how many moms of my daughter's friends thought the same about my daughter.

When we know better, we do better.

((((Oneeyeopen)))) Sounds like you have both eyes wide open.... and your heart, as well.

(((hugs)))
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Old 06-07-2007, 09:09 PM
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Didn't bother me I have done the same thing at times I've even referred to my AD as a crackhead or junkie depending which drug she's into at the time.. Not nice I know ..I'm working on it. But I do understand where your coming from, sometimes I delude myself into thinking she's not as bad of an addict as the some of her friends are. In fact I think she does it herself, cause she has put down other addicts..saying how stupid they are for some of the things they do..guess even addicts like to think there are others that are more messed up than they are..
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Old 06-07-2007, 09:23 PM
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In the checklist for are you an alcoholic...isn't there a question about the kind of company you keep?

I had quite a few unkind things to say about the people my exabf hung out with.

No excuses for myself but I think we get frustrated and we have a love for those that are our addicts...but the ones who keep bringing it around and calling and etc....yeah we are going to get mad at them.

In truth some of them are wonderful people with messed up lives and some of them are really just jerks. Like the rest of the world.

But I am very grateful for your post and the new insight it gave me! Thank you.

BTW...I am addicted to cigarettes and I call myself a junkie in that respect. I still love me, it's just the truth.

live
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Old 06-07-2007, 11:36 PM
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Did your abf ask you how it made you feel being in your position. Did you explain to him how you feel with his addiction being in your life, did he ask? He told you how he feels about you talking trash to his junkie friends but is he thinking about your well being or his? I agree addicts have a horrible problem but it should not be turned into you talk trash about those addicts whether here or on the street and addict is an addict. Your abf may be diffrent but it sounds the same to me. Addicts will be as gentle and violent as they see fit. THey can have logical conversations about an illogical problem and justify it or tell you how bad it feels to hear the truth. It is wrong to be derogatroy about another persons affliction but don't people call a drunk a drunk? Is it not equally fare to call a spade a spade? I think as soon as the excuses, the long emotional converstions, the promises and the love making after the problem temporarily leaves the picture....you have a addict. Addicts will do what they must so survive...Read what addicts do...its a powerful thread. I hope you stay strong and do not listen for what is good for him but instead, what is good for you...What good for you means the most...take care
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Old 06-07-2007, 11:47 PM
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I have called my ab/f a crack-head before. I didn't say it mean. It's just a
fact.
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Old 06-07-2007, 11:57 PM
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I am in school for human services (social work) and one of my instructors told us to never label people because it takes their humanity away...ie.-"homeless" as opposed to "individual without a place to live"...."crackhead" as opposed to "individual with a substabce abuse problem".

I always was so conscious to not label. Eventually I got soooo mad at the ex that I started to call him a crackhead.

In our better moments, I would tell him that he was a good person who had a problem...I would say , "you know, you really just have this ONE problem, and if you could just eliminate this ONE problem, your life would be so much better."

I tried every kind of reasoning, it just didn't work....
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Old 06-08-2007, 12:25 AM
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thanks for the amends and demonstrating growth on your part. my 23 yr old son is an addict. I hate the addict behavior but I love him.
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Old 06-08-2007, 02:36 AM
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Lovely thread, filled with love and compassion. I do not care what I am called. Junky, dopefiend, addict, drunk. I used to, but since I came to make peace with my past, and made amends ( and keep making them) I love myself (without toooo much ego) too much to care. Recovery has restored my humanity. I live and love again.

I was a real shitbag once, but that is no longer who I am.
I do not get angry when people still judge me as that. I have learnt that how they see me is there problem. If they resent me for being an addict, the rersentment lies with them. I am no longer in effect, no longer the victim I was when using (Oooh Boy was I the victim, everyone elses fault all of the time - task of insanity!!)

Me and HP know that that today I am okay. Today, and everyday that I stay sober, I can bring light into the world.

I am also not a doormat. I have feelings, and have a right to articulate them. Just because I suffer from the disease of addiction, it does not give anyone the right to negate my feelings and emotions. I earn that right by staying clean, because it is only when I am clean, that I really know what my feelings truly are.

That is why we say in NA " If you have used today, we ask that you just listen. Otherwise we find it is the drugs that are talking, not you...."
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Old 06-08-2007, 03:25 AM
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I am not offended either. My anger at the disease lands on anyone who participates and in the end it's not about them at all, it's about my anger.

God bless every addict who still suffers, including that creepy looking guy on the corner who is a dealer to supply his own habit. I doubt this is what he planned to do when he grew up and he's as sick as my son. He might even BE my son.

Hugs
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Old 06-08-2007, 04:50 AM
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Oh, that is so thoughtful of you OE.

Bless you, hope3
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Old 06-08-2007, 05:07 AM
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Since I have called my own daughter those names in the past, I realize that they come from a place of fear. You are learning. We all make mistakes. I no longer call names. Instead of crackhead, I now refer to my daughter's abf as crack addicted. I still don't like him any better, but I realize the names were not appropriate. Hugs, Marle
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Old 06-08-2007, 06:43 AM
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I have called my daughter many names, all true, but very unkind when I was so mad, hurt and scared. It didn't make any difference to her, but I knew in my heart I was wrong. She has a definite problem, but she is so much more than a "drug addict". That to me is what she does, not her defining quality. Yes, she will always have the problem, but like so many others it can become a part of her past mistakes.
Anyway, that is my prayer!
God bless all the moms and the kids that have returned to help us make it through!
Happy Friday,
susan
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Old 06-08-2007, 06:53 AM
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Ahhh, haven't we all been there. Soooo quick to judge, and we're all guilty. I've hated my daughter's boyfriend, and blamed him for all my daughters' problems, then discovered that she was the one who led him down the road, not the other way around.

I still dislike him, cause I think their being together is toxic to each other, but I also treat him with respect. Just the other day, I gave my daughter 2 sleeping bags, one for her ,and one for him cause they are at a homeless shelter and sleeping on those nasty sheets, and they both find it cold.

I allow my daughter to see her son, but refuse to allow my grandson to see the boyfriend until he is clean. My daughter doesn't understand this, but I told her, one drug addict in my grandson's life is enough. I think my motives are pure...but who knows if I'm still trying to inflict a little pain on the boyfriend as well !

Ahhh, we all have growing to do
NSW
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Old 06-08-2007, 07:14 AM
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Sadly I know our low self-worth from dealing with addiction makes us reach out to judgement as a way to make ourselves feel better. Healthy people can sing "I'm okay, you're okay" and not have to indulge in us versus them thinking.
I still struggle with this- I am currently very angry and resentful.
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Old 06-08-2007, 07:15 AM
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I have definely gotten mad and i still hate what heroin has done to the man i love very much. he has referred to himself as a junkie, or a coke head..... it always upset me that he view himself in suck a negative way. it made me think that he viewed himself that way to "fit in". sort of like a badge.

as far as the other people with addictions i have called tham addicts. i have been upset with a few of them but mostly i have felt sorry for them. i have never actually come out and called a chic he dated after we first broke up some choice words, but i sure thought it enough to feel bad about it. i took on the attitude if the shoe fits..... but then i realize how bad addiction is for everyone who suffers. when she crosses my mind like today i hope she is on her path to recovery, i'm sure the thing they did was all about the dope and in recovery she will find herself and happiness.

hate the drug...not the person with addiction. i hate heroin with a passion but i love him with a greater passion.

lets keep everyone, personal love one-- other people with addiction that our loved ones have used with----- all the way down to a complete stranger struggling with addiction, in our thoughts and prayers.

wonderful post thank you
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Old 06-08-2007, 07:24 AM
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I've done the same...labeling people with horrible names out of anger and fear.
In fact, one of the most powerful things I learned from here (SR) is that I could forgive myself for feeling that way.
Along with the fear and rage I felt with my son't addiction, I was ashamed that I had the feelings I did.
Recovery helped to teach me compassion, and that I had no right to call anyone anything. It simply wasn't my business.
Thank you for your kindness
((((hugs))))
Cece
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