I'm a yoyo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
I'm a yoyo
You guys must think am nuts. Yesterday I wrote about how well things were going and how great I felt about it all and now I sit here crying.
On top of that I have no one to talk to about this but you guys...no one to call and cry my heart out to.
last night the abf shows up here at 11:15pm. I was pissed, he did the usual addict thing -- went to have JUST a cheeseburger in a pub, ended up drinking, and then went off to where ever he has been doing drugs lately to pay off the dealer he owes. during this time he does the usual -- sends me messages telling me he will be here any minute, and then not showing up or answering the phone.
I decided to just kick him out when he got here even though he was sober and not on drugs...He tells me he is going to go back to his house.
here we are nearly 24 hours later and is he back at his house...NOOOOOOOOO.
I can see from the phone records that he called right back to that very dealer he had gone to pay off...
so I get irritable and know that if I call the dealer word will get around to abf eventually that I KNOW what abf is up to (WHY DO I FALL INTO THE CODIE TRAP EVERY TIME???)(There must be something in it for me, some reward, and I have got to figure out what that is).
I think it is hilarious to talk to these stupid paranoid dealers. The thing is I am neither scared of them nor do I care if they get irritated with me, so I am asking him if he saw abf, etc. and he says "are you his girlfriend that kicked him out last night?" (of course I deny that since I wanted to try to get information as to the abf's whereabouts out of him.)
MAN, I am pissed. Why? because the abf has made such a stink out of me talking to my friends about him and "labeling" him an alcoholic and embarrassing him by talking about his drug use. So I stopped doing that months ago, and here, I find out he is sitting around airing our dirty laundry to these drug pals of his.
BUT on the other hand, I threw him out, I said "come back when you are sober and clean" and here I am 24 hours later trying to track him down...What is wrong with me????
This morning I left a message explaining why I threw him out despite the fact that he was sober when he got back in last night -- risky behavior, lying to me, addict behavior despite no drug use, drinking earlier in the evening, and just general disrespect. and then I have this brief conversation with him where he is super obnoxious and just keeps saying to me "F**K YOu if you can't accept me the way I am." In other words -- yeah, mad, which I get but, mad in that post-drug way. So, instead of saying to himself, "I'll show her I can do it" he immediately takes off for the crack house.
Why don't they get that pure and simple HONESTY would go a long, long, way. I mean, if he had called before 8 when he said he would be here and explained he was going to pay off this dealer before the guy broke his legs, I would have told him not to go, not to be stupid and risk that, but I would have accepted it and waited to see what happened, if he stayed there and did drugs, fine, relationship off, but if he came back, as he did, fine, disaster averted. BUT NO, he has to go and lie despite NOT doing drugs...GOSH, why are these people so FREEKING stupid.
I guess they are just as stupid as we are for sticking with them. Anyway, here I am, on my own, worried, but resolved to stay separate, but still, just want to know he is okay. He is going to jail on Monday for a few weeks for an OUI, and I figure that when he gets out we can see where we are at. I am telling you , that jail term feels like a VACATION for me. Comes at a really good time (HP at work) gives us both space to figure out what we want out of this.
So today, I thought "this is for myself." I went shopping (bought some nice pants) and I went to the movies -- saw "Knocked Up" which was well worth it! Really, Actually I even gained some insights into my own relationship issues, I mean both my own bad behavior and the abf's. If I was going to stay with him I would almost take him back to see it together. It is funny how, what seems like a rather formulaic and predictable movie can actually resonate. The writer must be a keen observer of human behavior.
Wow, feel better already for getting this off my chest.
Onwards and upwards! We will get through this...
Thanks guys
On top of that I have no one to talk to about this but you guys...no one to call and cry my heart out to.
last night the abf shows up here at 11:15pm. I was pissed, he did the usual addict thing -- went to have JUST a cheeseburger in a pub, ended up drinking, and then went off to where ever he has been doing drugs lately to pay off the dealer he owes. during this time he does the usual -- sends me messages telling me he will be here any minute, and then not showing up or answering the phone.
I decided to just kick him out when he got here even though he was sober and not on drugs...He tells me he is going to go back to his house.
here we are nearly 24 hours later and is he back at his house...NOOOOOOOOO.
I can see from the phone records that he called right back to that very dealer he had gone to pay off...
so I get irritable and know that if I call the dealer word will get around to abf eventually that I KNOW what abf is up to (WHY DO I FALL INTO THE CODIE TRAP EVERY TIME???)(There must be something in it for me, some reward, and I have got to figure out what that is).
I think it is hilarious to talk to these stupid paranoid dealers. The thing is I am neither scared of them nor do I care if they get irritated with me, so I am asking him if he saw abf, etc. and he says "are you his girlfriend that kicked him out last night?" (of course I deny that since I wanted to try to get information as to the abf's whereabouts out of him.)
MAN, I am pissed. Why? because the abf has made such a stink out of me talking to my friends about him and "labeling" him an alcoholic and embarrassing him by talking about his drug use. So I stopped doing that months ago, and here, I find out he is sitting around airing our dirty laundry to these drug pals of his.
BUT on the other hand, I threw him out, I said "come back when you are sober and clean" and here I am 24 hours later trying to track him down...What is wrong with me????
This morning I left a message explaining why I threw him out despite the fact that he was sober when he got back in last night -- risky behavior, lying to me, addict behavior despite no drug use, drinking earlier in the evening, and just general disrespect. and then I have this brief conversation with him where he is super obnoxious and just keeps saying to me "F**K YOu if you can't accept me the way I am." In other words -- yeah, mad, which I get but, mad in that post-drug way. So, instead of saying to himself, "I'll show her I can do it" he immediately takes off for the crack house.
Why don't they get that pure and simple HONESTY would go a long, long, way. I mean, if he had called before 8 when he said he would be here and explained he was going to pay off this dealer before the guy broke his legs, I would have told him not to go, not to be stupid and risk that, but I would have accepted it and waited to see what happened, if he stayed there and did drugs, fine, relationship off, but if he came back, as he did, fine, disaster averted. BUT NO, he has to go and lie despite NOT doing drugs...GOSH, why are these people so FREEKING stupid.
I guess they are just as stupid as we are for sticking with them. Anyway, here I am, on my own, worried, but resolved to stay separate, but still, just want to know he is okay. He is going to jail on Monday for a few weeks for an OUI, and I figure that when he gets out we can see where we are at. I am telling you , that jail term feels like a VACATION for me. Comes at a really good time (HP at work) gives us both space to figure out what we want out of this.
So today, I thought "this is for myself." I went shopping (bought some nice pants) and I went to the movies -- saw "Knocked Up" which was well worth it! Really, Actually I even gained some insights into my own relationship issues, I mean both my own bad behavior and the abf's. If I was going to stay with him I would almost take him back to see it together. It is funny how, what seems like a rather formulaic and predictable movie can actually resonate. The writer must be a keen observer of human behavior.
Wow, feel better already for getting this off my chest.
Onwards and upwards! We will get through this...
Thanks guys
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm so sorry this has happened and I can hear the hurt and anger in your post.
The thing is, it doesn't matter if he knows you know what he's up to, or if his dealer knows that you know....you know, so that's enough, the question is what are you going to do for you?
If he was out of your life tomorrow, what would you like to be doing?
You can use all your energy trying to manipulate him (which simply doesn't work) or you can use that energy to go to a meeting and maybe do something wonderful just for you.
Always remember you have choices.
Hugs
The thing is, it doesn't matter if he knows you know what he's up to, or if his dealer knows that you know....you know, so that's enough, the question is what are you going to do for you?
If he was out of your life tomorrow, what would you like to be doing?
You can use all your energy trying to manipulate him (which simply doesn't work) or you can use that energy to go to a meeting and maybe do something wonderful just for you.
Always remember you have choices.
Hugs
been around the block...
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Happy Universe
Posts: 32
Oneeyeopen...
It seems as if both your eyes are open sweetie and you're deciding to take care of yourself. That is a good thing, but hard. There will be good days and bad days. Yo yo feelings happen. Just know that when you're on the down swing...the upswing is ready and waiting to be there when you are ready. Don't stay stuck in the sadness too long.
My addict is my son and he's doing well now. He used to lie all of the time and boy did I spend my days looking for more evidence. It was hard to stop, but once I realized it was up to him and whatever I did or didn't do wouldn't matter with him. I had to deal with me and I still am. I am getting better too. I wish the same for you.
J
My addict is my son and he's doing well now. He used to lie all of the time and boy did I spend my days looking for more evidence. It was hard to stop, but once I realized it was up to him and whatever I did or didn't do wouldn't matter with him. I had to deal with me and I still am. I am getting better too. I wish the same for you.
J
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
noone thinks your nuts never worry about that, many of us have been at the same place many times. Truth is we are reactionarys and like the addicts we mean what we say at the time, but a moment later we feel differently. It all takes time and baby steps
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Open,
You're wondering about his inability to be honest. If he is an addict, he can't be an honest. It's what addicts do.
And once we start calling after them, following them, getting angry at them, we're hurting, and we have become addicted to the drama of the addict.
That's why meetings are SO important for us.
It gets us back to reality, and helps us take care of US.
Change that focus and keep it on you.
Hugs and prayers for you,
You're wondering about his inability to be honest. If he is an addict, he can't be an honest. It's what addicts do.
And once we start calling after them, following them, getting angry at them, we're hurting, and we have become addicted to the drama of the addict.
That's why meetings are SO important for us.
It gets us back to reality, and helps us take care of US.
Change that focus and keep it on you.
Hugs and prayers for you,
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Don't beat yourself up.
This reminded me of something. One time my exabf took off to the dealer with my phone. I was so mad! I wanted my phone back, so his brother had told me where he was.
I went there and knocked on the door. (I know, that was risky behavior) Dude answers and he's looking at me like 'who is this girl?' I said "Listen don't worry I'm only here because I know that (exbf's name) is here and he has my phone and I need it back." The dealer went in and came back out with my phone.
The dealer called me a little bit later because now he knew that I knew where his base of operations was and he knew that I didn't approve. I assured him that I just wanted the phone and I'm not about his business or trying to mess with him.
Here's the weird part. he said to me "You know you are a descent looking woman who works and takes care of her s**t so what are you doing with this guy-you should forget about him. You can do better."
How about that? His DEALER is giving me the advice that I should have followed!! (I wondered how he even knew that I had a job or anything about me).
This reminded me of something. One time my exabf took off to the dealer with my phone. I was so mad! I wanted my phone back, so his brother had told me where he was.
I went there and knocked on the door. (I know, that was risky behavior) Dude answers and he's looking at me like 'who is this girl?' I said "Listen don't worry I'm only here because I know that (exbf's name) is here and he has my phone and I need it back." The dealer went in and came back out with my phone.
The dealer called me a little bit later because now he knew that I knew where his base of operations was and he knew that I didn't approve. I assured him that I just wanted the phone and I'm not about his business or trying to mess with him.
Here's the weird part. he said to me "You know you are a descent looking woman who works and takes care of her s**t so what are you doing with this guy-you should forget about him. You can do better."
How about that? His DEALER is giving me the advice that I should have followed!! (I wondered how he even knew that I had a job or anything about me).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Open-
I am a yoyo too.
One minute I am feeling positive- the next I am waiting for him to call. (Phone got shut off due to lack of funds.) And the panic and the anxiousness returns and I forget that there is another way.
Currently I am sitting here listening to my co-worker tell a friend that her and her husband booked a cruise with 8 other couples for early January. My heart just sinks because finding/having a relationship like that feels so far away if not impossible.
I, too, am wondering if we ever even out.
I can't begin to understand why I hurt so badly, KNOW I do not deserve to feel this way, but still have a hard time letting go...
My thoughts are with you
Ah- wouldn't it be lovely to just be able
I am a yoyo too.
One minute I am feeling positive- the next I am waiting for him to call. (Phone got shut off due to lack of funds.) And the panic and the anxiousness returns and I forget that there is another way.
Currently I am sitting here listening to my co-worker tell a friend that her and her husband booked a cruise with 8 other couples for early January. My heart just sinks because finding/having a relationship like that feels so far away if not impossible.
I, too, am wondering if we ever even out.
I can't begin to understand why I hurt so badly, KNOW I do not deserve to feel this way, but still have a hard time letting go...
My thoughts are with you
Ah- wouldn't it be lovely to just be able
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((OneEyeOpen)))))))
It helps to type things out, huh?
Kinda puts things into perspective.
Question is...
What are you going to do about it?
I learned a key phrase here when I first arrived, that has always
stuck with me. Kinda like a mantra.
"Nothing changes, if nothing changes"
Makes sense, doesn't it?
Your gonna drive yourself crazy with this guy. You know that, right?
We become sick, if not sicker, than the addict.
The chaos, the drama, and the worry. It can be a rush for some.
You don't need that, do you?
First things first. Get into meetings. Alanon/Naranon, either one.
Surround yourself with a support group. Family, friends, co-workers.
Anyone, but him.
If ya keep lettin' him come back...it's never gonna change.
You said yo-yo.
Can you say hamster wheel?
Goin' nowhere.
Life is what you make of it. Yours can be so much more.
All said with care and concern,
Linda
Like Cinder said, "baby steps". It all has to start with you.
Take care and focus on you.
It helps to type things out, huh?
Kinda puts things into perspective.
Question is...
What are you going to do about it?
I learned a key phrase here when I first arrived, that has always
stuck with me. Kinda like a mantra.
"Nothing changes, if nothing changes"
Makes sense, doesn't it?
Your gonna drive yourself crazy with this guy. You know that, right?
We become sick, if not sicker, than the addict.
The chaos, the drama, and the worry. It can be a rush for some.
You don't need that, do you?
First things first. Get into meetings. Alanon/Naranon, either one.
Surround yourself with a support group. Family, friends, co-workers.
Anyone, but him.
If ya keep lettin' him come back...it's never gonna change.
You said yo-yo.
Can you say hamster wheel?
Goin' nowhere.Life is what you make of it. Yours can be so much more.
All said with care and concern,
Linda
Like Cinder said, "baby steps". It all has to start with you.
Take care and focus on you.
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