okay4now

My b/f just had 65 days clean from crack. This is the second weekend he has
stood up me and his daughter. It is a three day weekend. I need him because I
am on bedrest. And my daughter is crying again.

When he calls, I hope to tell him this, "I don't want you calling me until you take
your recovery seriously. When you decide to take it seriously, you may call me.
If I am available then, we can re-evaluate our relationship.

I don't know what to do, though, regarding his daughter. He cannot keep standing
her up.

Elana

He CAN keep standing her up and he will because you canot control his behavior.

I know you are in a tough place, but you need to figure out how to be where you are entirely without him.

We are here for you and support you in your choices.

okay4now

I don't know how to get there - where I don't want him anymore. He quit his job
and moved back home 10 mths. ago to be with us. And it's been one big, ugly
relapse.

I was hopeful because he went into VA rehab. But..they only gave him 14 days.
I was hopeful and having fun with him when he was clean for 65 days. He does
love us. And when he is clean he is the greatest Dad and b/f.

I don't know how hopeful to be with his 2 wkends. of using. I don't know if this
is the time to tell him no contact with his daughter until he finishes rehab - again.

I don't know if this is normal relapse behavior. I don't know anything.

I don't want to miss him again. I don't know if I 'm supposed to be supportive of his
supposedly recovery. Or tell him to go away unitl he takes his recovery seriously.

I don't know if he is still in recovery with using for 2 wkends. He talked to his
aftercare specialist for an hour this week.

Do you get the feeling that I just don't know? (My humor)

lightseeker

okay -

so sorry to hear about your situation. Are you going to be on bedrest for long? It sounds like you definitely need some help if you also have a daughter and she's young. My heart goes out to you.

I know that you don't want to do any of the things that you are having to do with this situation. Addiction is a terrible disease. If he has used for the last 2 weekends that is not recovery. In recovery you stay away from the substance and it doesn't sound like he is doing that. Relapses are common but it's what the addict does in response to one that makes the difference. Since you are on bedrest I hope that you are doing everything that you can to take care of yourself. Hopefulness is a natural state but reality also has to be dealt with. Read up on addiction if you can and then you can better understand what is happening. The one thing that I know about addiction is that nothing about it is normal.

I'm glad that you found SR - you'll find a lot of people that can share their wisdom, strength, and hope. Recovery is possible but the addict has to want it for themself- not for anyone else. I never understood why my RAH wouldn't/couldn't get sober for his two sons. But he couldn't. He loved the drug/lifestyle more. He finally sought recovery when he finally got that it was the end of the road for him.

I'm sending you thoughts and prayers - Donna
There is always hope but always remember that life with an addict or recovering addict means that you always have to be able to stand on your own two feet. This is a disease that can only go into remission - it never ever goes away.

Elana

If he is using he isn't sober and in recovery.
If he is using he is an active addict.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this with a child in the midst.

I do not have children but I would not let my child spend a weekend or any other time alone with an active addict. Just my opinion and, because I have no children, worth little in the scheme of things.

okay4now

He is never alone with her. Even when he was clean, it was always the
three of us doing things together.

My main concern now is her emotional state with being stood up AGAIN after having
6 wkends. starting to trust her Dad. I don't want her self-esteem damaged.
I don't her trust in people damaged. I don't want this to affect her future
relationships with men. I don't want her to think this is normal behavior.

I have a saying - Don't get the mama mad.

okay4now

I understand what you are saying. Feeling vulnerable is a terrible feeling.
I hope your boys are okay now. It is hard situation for children to deal with.
It's hard for us too.

I was on my own two feet when he came back into our lives. (I broke up with
him when I was pregnant for different reasons.) Soon as I get one foot better,
I am going to take care of things better again. Summer is here and my
daughter needs me.

I need a Naranon group. But..the one in my area was terrrible.

hope213

okay, i am sorry for you. i feel your pain.do you have any family member that can help you while you are down? i feel for you child also. maybe some one can take your daughter for awhile.in the mean time try to explain to her that daddy is sick & has got to get better.let her know he loves her.you sound likea good mom.prayers for you, your daughter & your husband.keep coming back.we care.

lightseeker

Okay -

Naranon and SR were the beginning of "my" beginning. I'm so glad to hear you say that you might look for a group. It was the wisdom in the rooms and the support and the understanding and the everything - that allowed me to "make it". All the boys are doing great....... addiction has permanently impacted their lives and we (RAH) both know it though. Will any of the boys end up an addict? Maybe.....but hopefully not. RAH has 22 + months now of recovery. It took a long time for them to begin to trust him again and to allow themselves to be close to him. It's taken a whole lot of doing the next right thing for that to happen. It sounds like your BF would be tough to trust without a whole lot of water flowing under his recovery bridge at this point. I think that it's the back and forth and dashed hopes that hurt kids so much. It either teaches them not to trust or to detach - neither is good for a kid. If it was just you that he was letting down (bad as that is) it would be one thing - your daughter is another. She has one parent that doesn't do right by her..... thank heavens you can do right by her. The best thing is to protect her from the emotional pain. I know that she misses him but it's worse for her to get jacked around again and again. Having bottom lines really helped me.

Thinking of you! Donna

okay4now

I tell her that her Dad loves her. I am taking her to a counselor that works
with kids and has some background in addiction (her father was an alcoholic).

Regarding help: I'm in a jam. My daughter is contagious with strep throat.
I wouldn' t want my parents (70 y/o) to get that. I'm hoping the foot gets better
quickly - it's taking it's own sweet time.

I just noticed that my A. left his clock/radio/alarm still plugged in. He sleeps on the
couch on weekends. That tells me that he meant to come back for the weekend
because he would need it for work on Tues. Ironic, isn't it, how fast life can
change?

okay4now

I never thought about detachment. You are right. The emotional rollar
coaster is unhealthy for her. Yes, he needs lots of water under the bridge.

When he relapsed before, I told him that he couldn't have contact with her until
he completed rehab. So he goes into rehab and calls first thing to tell her that
Daddy's in the hospital getting better. And calls every day. And wants to see her
the first day he is out.

This time, if and when he goes to rehab - that can't happen so soon. She got 6 weeks with him. I have to figure this one out.

HKAngel24

I, too, am on the emotional rollarcoaster.
It will drive you to your knees. That much I can attest to now. I am slowly learning that the more I rely even the slightest bit on my abf- if I even create an inkling of expectation- I know I'm not focusing on me.
This is a battle that for me is extremely difficult.
I'm beginning to understand that even when I'm not concious of it- I can still have a spark of hope that makes me beat myself up again when he does not come through.

Actually taking steps in a direction that protects YOU may not be that easy, but think of your daughter and you may find a strength you do not feel you have. You both deserve a stable environment.
For me detachment has been the hardest concept to even dabble in. Once I think I've got something - I find myself trying to control and not keeping my hands in my own pockets. My thoughts are with you.

okay4now

I'm on an emotional rollarcoaster too. I don't like it. I'm used to a predictable,
life. He has turned it upside down.

BigSis

What you can do is help her understand this IS her dad. If no contact makes life gentler... I can understand doing that. But his addiction is part of who he is, and depending on her age, she needs to hear that another adult acknowledges its existance and lets her understand what to expect.

I am sorry he is not there for her, but she will still want him and need him... even broken.

I am not saying to allow that... but I do think that the Alanon principles on loving an addict... by staying detached, by reducing our expectations for them, by living our lives fully until or if they can return to us - those concepts can help her.

I am not saying this well, but I hope you can pull out what I am trying to say. I wish you and your daughter the best.

okay4now

Yes. I am learning the Alanon principles. It is difficult. I get into the protective
Mother Bear mode.