Teen Anxst or Addiction?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3
Teen Anxst or Addiction?
As a 12 stepper on the other side of the fence I can easily use the program to assist me and it works. It seems I'm on the other side of the fence these days in dealing with my niece. I'm very scared and afraid of what may happen we've almost lost her 3 times in this past year in her binge drinking, cocaine use and cutting.
She lives in Illinois I live in Texas so our relationship has always been long distance. She's the middle child at 17 years old and I know the relationship with her mother and father ( my brother) have been volitile all her life as she also had ADHD so she was always picked on and always being scolded and with my knowledge of personality disorders would venture to guess she's borderline personality disorder.
She's had the best rehabs and schools and is now at home in her unsafe environment which triggers her with mom (my SIL) being home schooled. I work with teens like her everyday I know the lingo, the steps, how recovery works and just don't know how to help my brother understand recovery is a family deal. He told me , sis I can run fortune 500 companies but can't deal with this and don't know what to do anymore for her. He told me (after she was here last week and confided her deep dark secrets in me) that if she dies, she dies. I know a lot of Anons are prepared for that, but me, I can't get there yet.
I can't get them to go to Naranon as it's the old "Hell we're not the one with the problem excuse", so I keep sending them literature. In my heart of heart the kid takes after me and my addictive tendencies (with exception to the self-harm) but they seem to think it's just teen rebellious years. I saw her hack up her leg and saw the tears and cleaned up her blood and held her and know teen rebellion when I see it and just with all the pain and frustration this all brings, don't know how to help her, my brother and SIL and her siblings.. yeah I know probably should get to a CODA meeting for me as I know I can't fix them but it's breaking my heart as I'm more powerless over this then my own drinking. Thanks for letting me share.. been needing a place to vent that for awhile now. This isn't teen anxst is it?
Aunty
She lives in Illinois I live in Texas so our relationship has always been long distance. She's the middle child at 17 years old and I know the relationship with her mother and father ( my brother) have been volitile all her life as she also had ADHD so she was always picked on and always being scolded and with my knowledge of personality disorders would venture to guess she's borderline personality disorder.
She's had the best rehabs and schools and is now at home in her unsafe environment which triggers her with mom (my SIL) being home schooled. I work with teens like her everyday I know the lingo, the steps, how recovery works and just don't know how to help my brother understand recovery is a family deal. He told me , sis I can run fortune 500 companies but can't deal with this and don't know what to do anymore for her. He told me (after she was here last week and confided her deep dark secrets in me) that if she dies, she dies. I know a lot of Anons are prepared for that, but me, I can't get there yet.
I can't get them to go to Naranon as it's the old "Hell we're not the one with the problem excuse", so I keep sending them literature. In my heart of heart the kid takes after me and my addictive tendencies (with exception to the self-harm) but they seem to think it's just teen rebellious years. I saw her hack up her leg and saw the tears and cleaned up her blood and held her and know teen rebellion when I see it and just with all the pain and frustration this all brings, don't know how to help her, my brother and SIL and her siblings.. yeah I know probably should get to a CODA meeting for me as I know I can't fix them but it's breaking my heart as I'm more powerless over this then my own drinking. Thanks for letting me share.. been needing a place to vent that for awhile now. This isn't teen anxst is it?
Aunty
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome Aunty
I see two choices as I stand on both sides of the fence as well.
We know what it took for us to seek answers...she will need find her own point of seeking answers, as will your SIL and brother.
So choice one... let go and let God deal with things. You have shared what you know, it is their choice to accept what has been shared or not. Can't do any more then that.
Choice two...if willing and able...
Take a more direct involvement and see if she will move in with you.
Won't change the fact that she needs to find her point of acceptance but it could give her a place where the answers are more available.
No matter what the choice...it is her choice and their choice to accept what is given or not accept it. We couldn't be forced into our recovery, they can't be either....so letting go and letting God is still the only thing we can do.
Oh... teen anxst
Staying out 20 minutes past curfew.
Mouthing off and voiceing their own opinion.
Not eating their vegtables.
Drugs alcohol and cutting are more so signs that something isn't right and they need help and loving support.
I see two choices as I stand on both sides of the fence as well.
We know what it took for us to seek answers...she will need find her own point of seeking answers, as will your SIL and brother.
So choice one... let go and let God deal with things. You have shared what you know, it is their choice to accept what has been shared or not. Can't do any more then that.
Choice two...if willing and able...
Take a more direct involvement and see if she will move in with you.
Won't change the fact that she needs to find her point of acceptance but it could give her a place where the answers are more available.
No matter what the choice...it is her choice and their choice to accept what is given or not accept it. We couldn't be forced into our recovery, they can't be either....so letting go and letting God is still the only thing we can do.
Oh... teen anxst
Staying out 20 minutes past curfew.
Mouthing off and voiceing their own opinion.
Not eating their vegtables.
Drugs alcohol and cutting are more so signs that something isn't right and they need help and loving support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Aunty
I understand how hard it is to love someone who is struggling like this.
I have a niece that was addicted to crystal meth. When I found that she was stuggling, she was living in another state. I did what "best" suggested and had her move in with me and my husband. It was the most difficult challenge I have had in my life.
We didn't know at the time it was drugs. She lived here, we found out it was meth, we did an intervention, she wouldn't go to treatment, we had to ask her to leave until she was ready to go to treatment and then we watched her go down hill for a year until fianlly, the law caught up with her. Now with the limits imposed upon her by the courts, she is getting better every day. But the time between her arrival and now was very hard. - AND I would do it again in a second.
Whle my niece didn't cut herself, she has had her life threatened at gunpoint more than once. While she was sliding toward her "bottom" All I knew how to do was pray and now, two years later, she is in recovery.
I attribute her recovery completely to her's and my higher power. It's the only explanation I can find. She should be dead or in prison for a very long time, but instead is in a great mental health treatment program and the workhouse for 6 months - has a job and is in school. After she was apprehended, I was able to talk to her p.o., the courts and such and that did pave the way for them to look into her mental health issues, but that was about it - other than an occassional meal. What was hard was the loving her and letting go at the same time...
So, I just wanted to share all this as a success story with a word of caution. You can only do so much. I don't know if I could suggest to anyone that they did what I did because it is a very personal choice with a big price tag and no guarantee of success. In my case, I felt as though it was just what I had to do...and while I paid a big price, it was worth it. And if she had died or her outcome was worse, it still would have been worth it becuase I love her that much.
Of course, we know that addicts need is to hit bottom before they choose recovery, but I wanted my niece to know that when she chose it, I was there to help her recovery. In my niece's case, with the mental health issues (she suffers from borderline personality disorder), she just would not accept help of any kind until legally she had to accept help or be in prison for 12 years.
I pray that you will find whatever answers your Higher Power wants you to find, so that you can do what you can and feel OK about what is out of your control.
ps - I didn't fix my niece, many folks in her life (police officers, judges, therapists, her p.o., counselors, etc.) did - I was just there for her so that she knew that even when I was calling the cops on her, it was out of love. Of course, she didn't see it that way at the time - only now.
All the best...
I understand how hard it is to love someone who is struggling like this.
I have a niece that was addicted to crystal meth. When I found that she was stuggling, she was living in another state. I did what "best" suggested and had her move in with me and my husband. It was the most difficult challenge I have had in my life.
We didn't know at the time it was drugs. She lived here, we found out it was meth, we did an intervention, she wouldn't go to treatment, we had to ask her to leave until she was ready to go to treatment and then we watched her go down hill for a year until fianlly, the law caught up with her. Now with the limits imposed upon her by the courts, she is getting better every day. But the time between her arrival and now was very hard. - AND I would do it again in a second.
Whle my niece didn't cut herself, she has had her life threatened at gunpoint more than once. While she was sliding toward her "bottom" All I knew how to do was pray and now, two years later, she is in recovery.
I attribute her recovery completely to her's and my higher power. It's the only explanation I can find. She should be dead or in prison for a very long time, but instead is in a great mental health treatment program and the workhouse for 6 months - has a job and is in school. After she was apprehended, I was able to talk to her p.o., the courts and such and that did pave the way for them to look into her mental health issues, but that was about it - other than an occassional meal. What was hard was the loving her and letting go at the same time...
So, I just wanted to share all this as a success story with a word of caution. You can only do so much. I don't know if I could suggest to anyone that they did what I did because it is a very personal choice with a big price tag and no guarantee of success. In my case, I felt as though it was just what I had to do...and while I paid a big price, it was worth it. And if she had died or her outcome was worse, it still would have been worth it becuase I love her that much.
Of course, we know that addicts need is to hit bottom before they choose recovery, but I wanted my niece to know that when she chose it, I was there to help her recovery. In my niece's case, with the mental health issues (she suffers from borderline personality disorder), she just would not accept help of any kind until legally she had to accept help or be in prison for 12 years.
I pray that you will find whatever answers your Higher Power wants you to find, so that you can do what you can and feel OK about what is out of your control.
ps - I didn't fix my niece, many folks in her life (police officers, judges, therapists, her p.o., counselors, etc.) did - I was just there for her so that she knew that even when I was calling the cops on her, it was out of love. Of course, she didn't see it that way at the time - only now.
All the best...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i feel your pain & i am sorry for you & for your niece.you are powerless over this.this is not your fault, not at all.she also has your brothers & all your other family genes. she also has choices & unless she is ready for help you can not help her.keep continueing to let her know u love her & pray for her.prayers are powerful.i want to welcome u to S.R. we care about you & her both.read all the stickys at the top of the forum & just read around in general. we r here,keep coming back & let us know how things are.hugs,hope
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
At 17, she's very young and stands a better chance than someone who has been at it 20 years. Can anyone convince her to go to a rehab? Or get counselling? Or both?
Personally, I don't think moving her in with you is a good idea for either one of you. Until she is ready to take some kind of positive action to take care of herself, she just brings her problems to drop at your door and it's unlikely that it will be healthy for either one of you.
My thoughts are that since she is cutting and therefore hurting herself, maybe she could be admitted with or without her consent.
My prayers go out for her, it's not a good place for her to be.
Hugs
Personally, I don't think moving her in with you is a good idea for either one of you. Until she is ready to take some kind of positive action to take care of herself, she just brings her problems to drop at your door and it's unlikely that it will be healthy for either one of you.
My thoughts are that since she is cutting and therefore hurting herself, maybe she could be admitted with or without her consent.
My prayers go out for her, it's not a good place for her to be.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
You are in a tough situation as she is too. I'm not sure what the "right" answer is...I don't think there are right answers; just doing the best we can and what feels right in our gut.
I wish I could offer more, but all I can offer is support and prayers foryour young niece. I hope she will find a way to get help and that you will find some peace. Hugs
I wish I could offer more, but all I can offer is support and prayers foryour young niece. I hope she will find a way to get help and that you will find some peace. Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3
Thank you for you thoughtful comments. I've copied some of Ann's material to forward as well as learn and reflect on. I did ponder the thought of her moving in with me as that is what she wants but I don't think I'm ready nor is she as I'd prefer her to get some more professional help and get a little stronger in her own coping abilities. I know this would be a safe place for her to be right now and that's the hard part as right now I can only offer my ESH and for some reason I know that's just not enough. Thank you all.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Aunty))) My kid's cutting was part of her personality that is part of her addiction that is part of who she is. 
I thought we had inpatient treatment for damned near everything... you might want to seek out some info in that regard for your brother. To be honest, I think he sounds about "done"... perhaps the idea of shipping her out for a bit will sound like a vacation/relief to him.
At 17, there is still the idea that she can be forced to go into rehab. I didn't force MY kid, but I coerced her... and the last time, the courts "coerced" her.
Perhaps a month of intense inpatient treatment will help the whole family have a break through.
I wish you the best.
I thought we had inpatient treatment for damned near everything... you might want to seek out some info in that regard for your brother. To be honest, I think he sounds about "done"... perhaps the idea of shipping her out for a bit will sound like a vacation/relief to him.
At 17, there is still the idea that she can be forced to go into rehab. I didn't force MY kid, but I coerced her... and the last time, the courts "coerced" her.
Perhaps a month of intense inpatient treatment will help the whole family have a break through.
I wish you the best.
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