his first meltdown...
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by historyteach 
The rewards of being clean are slow coming.
Hi Teach,
How true this statement is!
We have the same situation around these parts, with both sons being sober.
The youngest is doing very well, very resourceful, and finds a job pretty quick.
Now the oldest, he has his own business, and it takes a while to build up a clientele.
It takes alot of patience, on my part, son seems pretty secure in doing things one step at a time...THIS time.
When I look at your situation with Trevor, I think you're too close to the action. IMO, it appears to have a lot of control issues between the two of you.
That's why I think, it would be SO good if he was living elsewhere.
It kind of reminds me of having a new puppy, and watching them all the time, because you have the feeling they'll get into something.
Believe me, I know the feeling.
My oldest is not attending meetings consistantly, (drives me crazy.....) and I find myself suggesting it on occasion, and I know it's not my business.
If he lived here, it wouldn't work out for the both of us, because I lean towards controlling, even though I try hard NOT to.
Is it possible to find a sober house?
hugs Teach,
I know how hard this is.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Oh HT I truly feel for you. It is very hard helping young adults make up lost ground due to mistakes in their past.................plus you have the added issues of the addiction and mental health issues. I am very glad your son is in recovery. As far as teaching him respect, I think the only way is by example.
The rewards of living by the book are many but you are so right they are a long time coming.
My SS made some mistakes in his 20's & now at 33 & a single parent has made great strides in maturing but as you said the rewards take time to come. Naturally when they are doing the right thing & trying very hard you want to help, I am in the same position, but it does get tiring, plus their problems are not the only ones we are dealing with. My AS is back in jail & at this point I don't even want to know why, I am just too tired myself.
I guess we take it one day at a time & hopefully things do get easier eventually ( I too am wondering WHEN??? )
Love & Prayers,
Diane
The rewards of living by the book are many but you are so right they are a long time coming.
My SS made some mistakes in his 20's & now at 33 & a single parent has made great strides in maturing but as you said the rewards take time to come. Naturally when they are doing the right thing & trying very hard you want to help, I am in the same position, but it does get tiring, plus their problems are not the only ones we are dealing with. My AS is back in jail & at this point I don't even want to know why, I am just too tired myself.
I guess we take it one day at a time & hopefully things do get easier eventually ( I too am wondering WHEN??? )
Love & Prayers,
Diane
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((( teach )))
Perhaps you and Trevor can discuss what "respect" means to each of you. I had a similar conversation not too long ago when a friend told me he didn't think I was being supportive of him in a particular situation. I asked him to tell me what my being supportive looked like to him, and then I told him what it looked like to me. (mars and venus rise again
)
You have a LOT on your plate right now. Dr. Cats recommends a vacation .... perhaps to a secluded island with some good friends in recovery.
HUGS
Cats
Perhaps you and Trevor can discuss what "respect" means to each of you. I had a similar conversation not too long ago when a friend told me he didn't think I was being supportive of him in a particular situation. I asked him to tell me what my being supportive looked like to him, and then I told him what it looked like to me. (mars and venus rise again
)You have a LOT on your plate right now. Dr. Cats recommends a vacation .... perhaps to a secluded island with some good friends in recovery.
HUGS
Cats
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Teach,
You do have a lot on your plate right now, so first order of business is to take healthy care of yourself, the best you can, anyway.
You asked the question of how do you teach respect? Well, the only way I've been able to do that, or at least the only way I know to attempt it, is by setting boundaries. My daughters (addicted and non-addicted) know what will and won't fly with mama. I used to be scared to set those boundaries. Who knows why. Probably insecurity...yeah, that's it. But now, I teach respect by demanding it for myself. Wait, maybe "demanding" is too strong of a word, but I do require it.
A woman with long term recovery in both programs taught me this little saying, "Be what you want others to be." In other words, model and teach behavior I want by doing it myself. To me that means setting boundaries as to what I'll tolerate. I try to model respect for them. But I know, Trevor wants to "quack" and say you aren't doing it. That when I'd whip out the phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Can't tell you how many times I've used that with my AD.
And I know you are dealing with the manic issue, Teach. I hate that for you. But Trevor being manic doesn't mean he can't grasp the concept of respect. And like someone else said, remember, you are dealing with a 27 yr old who has the emotional maturity of the age at which he started using. So you might be looking at a 27 yr old, but inside he's a 16 yr old or what age is correct.
I, like Moose, sure wish you didn't have to have him in your home. I know you feel like this is your only choice. I'm just praying a sober house or rehab comes available and SOON. I just know I DO NOT do well when I am having to live up close and personal with either one of my daughters. I know my HP did me a huge favor by putting both of them out of town.
Hang in there, Teach. Sometimes it's one hour at a time.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
You do have a lot on your plate right now, so first order of business is to take healthy care of yourself, the best you can, anyway.
You asked the question of how do you teach respect? Well, the only way I've been able to do that, or at least the only way I know to attempt it, is by setting boundaries. My daughters (addicted and non-addicted) know what will and won't fly with mama. I used to be scared to set those boundaries. Who knows why. Probably insecurity...yeah, that's it. But now, I teach respect by demanding it for myself. Wait, maybe "demanding" is too strong of a word, but I do require it.
A woman with long term recovery in both programs taught me this little saying, "Be what you want others to be." In other words, model and teach behavior I want by doing it myself. To me that means setting boundaries as to what I'll tolerate. I try to model respect for them. But I know, Trevor wants to "quack" and say you aren't doing it. That when I'd whip out the phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Can't tell you how many times I've used that with my AD.
And I know you are dealing with the manic issue, Teach. I hate that for you. But Trevor being manic doesn't mean he can't grasp the concept of respect. And like someone else said, remember, you are dealing with a 27 yr old who has the emotional maturity of the age at which he started using. So you might be looking at a 27 yr old, but inside he's a 16 yr old or what age is correct.
I, like Moose, sure wish you didn't have to have him in your home. I know you feel like this is your only choice. I'm just praying a sober house or rehab comes available and SOON. I just know I DO NOT do well when I am having to live up close and personal with either one of my daughters. I know my HP did me a huge favor by putting both of them out of town.
Hang in there, Teach. Sometimes it's one hour at a time.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I think respect means something different for everyone.
I know my AH wants respect but doesn't command respect. His behavior doesn't command it neither does the way in which he communicates his feelings.
I believe respect is earned. I don't know if addicts think the same way. Even some non-addicts expect instant respect. That's not how the world works. I think people are afforded a certain amount of general respect to start off with but the rest has to be earned.
It's hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes. You are face to face with Trevor everyday now, again. Old feelings of what used to be plus the new feelings you are developing must be melding together....it's hard not to react to his actions. There seems to be a definite break in communication because you are both trying to protect each other but neither of you were aware of each others intentions at the time.
I'm glad you were able to get some shut eye. It's harder to function on no sleep. I've been there.
I know my AH wants respect but doesn't command respect. His behavior doesn't command it neither does the way in which he communicates his feelings.
I believe respect is earned. I don't know if addicts think the same way. Even some non-addicts expect instant respect. That's not how the world works. I think people are afforded a certain amount of general respect to start off with but the rest has to be earned.
It's hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes. You are face to face with Trevor everyday now, again. Old feelings of what used to be plus the new feelings you are developing must be melding together....it's hard not to react to his actions. There seems to be a definite break in communication because you are both trying to protect each other but neither of you were aware of each others intentions at the time.
I'm glad you were able to get some shut eye. It's harder to function on no sleep. I've been there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
