Should I question her or not?

Old 05-07-2007, 05:05 PM
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Should I question her or not?

I am just not sure about my AD if she relapsed or not. Part of me wants to know and part of me doesn't. I keep asking myself what it will do for me if I do know?
The answer.......telling her I can no longer have a relationship with her until she fixes her problem. If I do not know.......she continues to fool me into thinking all is well, and I continue to try to have this screwed up relationship.
She came home at 4:30 this morning from her freinds house that she was staying with. She came in my room and apologized for coming in at that time. Said she needed to get some clothes that she had to be at work in the morning. She had a bite to eat and fell asleep on the sofa. She got up this morning.......cleaned up her room, got dressed and went to work. She is going to be house sitting for someone for a few days, so I won't see her for a few days. She said she wanted to stop by sometime soon to introduce me to her new female friend. Someone she met through someone else. She says she is really nice and a good person. I'm not so sure. Of course I don't trust anyone anymore. She said maybe next week after she is done housesitting she would wash the screens and help me to stain the deck. She usually doesn't keep her we'll see I just get an uncomfortable feeling that she relapsed and I want to ask her. What to do?
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Old 05-07-2007, 05:17 PM
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i think that if you think you'll feel better to ask her, then ask her. personally i don't think that it will do any good, since you don't trust her to tell the truth and the fact that she'll probably not tell you if she has. i think that in time, you will know all you need to know about that and you won't have to go through the trouble and pain of asking something that you may get lied to about.

addict can't hide a relapse for long, you'll know when its time to know, i think that until you do know, you keep the focus on you and be prepared to stick to your boundaries if and when you finds out she has. keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.
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Old 05-07-2007, 05:57 PM
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Listen to your gut. I have found that mine is almost never wrong. Is she living with you and are you helping her out with anything? I don't believe that you will get an honest answer if you ask her if she is using. I agree with Teke, an addict can't hide their using for long. Now might be the time to formulate that plan of what you are going to do if she is using. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-07-2007, 06:37 PM
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I wouldn't ask her, because time will tell.
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Old 05-07-2007, 06:38 PM
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Teke, I think you are right about not being able to hide it for too long. I have been focusing on myself lately. I actually felt pretty good today. I think I have an is what it is attitude.
Thanks Teke for your support.........Lo
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Old 05-07-2007, 06:40 PM
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Marle, I know what you mean about the gut feeling. That is exactually what I have been doing about formulating the plan.
Thanks Marle for you words of wisdom.........Lo
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Old 05-07-2007, 06:45 PM
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I think you are right about not asking her Moose. I probably wouldn't get the truth anyway......Time will tell. I'm praying that all is well with her.
She did get some sad news today about a friend she hasn't seen since she moved back from LA. He died from an overdose. She called me a little while ago crying. I just wish these kids would learn from this. So sad another young life gone.

I just try to keep on dancing............Lo
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Old 05-07-2007, 06:56 PM
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I think when they are in recovery we panic from time to time cause we are so worried about them...I go throught this alot myself with my son---I walk by and try and smell the air around him--I am checking his eyes-etc...He must notice cause from time to time he will say""I am not drinking" without my asking. He gets tested every week and is always clean.
Any way----Silence is Golden in this situation--soon enough you will know if they there is always the possibility of a relapse for a night--as long as they stand back up--start over again....
When I get these feelings I come to SR and share them so I don't start snooping or asking my son questions for no reason....and my ''gut'' has been wrong!Praying it is all working out for you.....
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Old 05-07-2007, 06:57 PM
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In my experience, if you ask her she will lie anyway! I have learned that the hard way
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Old 05-08-2007, 06:38 AM
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Hmmm... to ask or not to ask.

I KEEP asking my rabf questions- "Did you do drugs today?"
"Why are your pupils like that?"
"Where were you when I called?"
"Would you tell me if you relapsed?"

All ridiculous questions. Truth is- if I don't expect him to tell me the truth- WHY DO I KEEP ASKING? I do not know the answer to this question-- I believe on some level- we have a compulsion to ask.
I know there is something that drives me bonkers inside if I do not ask.

Do you really think your daughter will tell you the truth?
More so, are you asking so that she can deny she's been using and you will feel better?

For me, the last reason is why I ask. I ask because on some level (a subconcious and almost physical level) I want him to deny his usage and assure me he is in recovery. Even though I know his mouth can feed me lies till the cows come home. Almost as though I feel a little comfortable in denial.
Reminds me of that song that goes, "tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies."

Sometimes we truly do feel forced to ask- WE HAVE TO KNOW. We have to know that the person we are investing hope in and allowing to stay in our house is somehow traveling in the direction we had hoped.
I suffer from this same ailment- the need to know/ask that my hoping, these underground expectations are not all just foolery.
My thoughts are with you.
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Old 05-08-2007, 07:03 AM
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Lo, I agree with everyone else, if u r abel to live with things they way they r without jeapordizing your serenity, don't ask as u will know soon enough.

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Old 05-08-2007, 07:45 AM
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let it grow!
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you can ask, but don't expect an honest answer..blessings, and sorry - k
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Old 05-08-2007, 12:43 PM
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Like many others have said - Why should we ask, when we know deep down inside we aren't going to believe anything they say anyway?

Pg 131 of the Al-Anon ODAT book talks about that our HP will help us to find out what we need to know when we need to know it.

Not an excuse to bury my head in the sand, but just a way to keep me focused on working on me, setting boundaries, and staying in own my garden of self. Let your HP guide you on what is best for you & your recovery.

Wishing you peace,
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Old 05-08-2007, 01:30 PM
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On a tear
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What Moose said.

I hated the lying... so why would I encourage it? My kid knows how I felt about her relapsing, and forcing her to tell me just tempted her to lie about it.

Sorry you are going through this today.... got a meeting tonight? They always helped me.
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