I posted this in AH, better suited here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 6
I posted this in AH, better suited here.
I don't know where to begin. My husband is taking my Vicodin. I have tried locking them away, he sees me in pain and will still take them all. I am partially disabled, my husband started taking them for his toothaches, and at some point never stopped. I am living with a mad man. He lies, steals, he's threatened suicide...
He's going to work somehow though pretty much everyday, but now he's threatening to not go if I don't give him enough to "ween off"--
Should I give him the couple a day he says will keep him functioning?? If so, how long? I don't know what to do... how do I truat again and again and again...
he lies to me about other things as well... stupid things,
I can't afford our mortgage and everything as I'm not able to work f/t- I feel so trapped.
Physically he isn't abusive. He's gotten "out of control" a few times and hurt me in a tantrum, but he's more self destructive than anything. All of this started I think when his step daughters mother took her for the summer last year and never brought her back. We don't have any way of getting her back and she's four states away from us. I'm not making any excuses for him, it's inexcusable, his behavior; the position he's put us into. I've been depressed and I'm not a healthy person, he's held it together for us for a long time. I owe him support, no question, he's my husband. I decided last night though, this is the last lie I need to endure. I've plotted his course and cleaned up the messes for a long time in our relationship. I appreciate him going to work and being responsible about keeping a f/t job, but that's just part of life. I'm not leaving my home, I will figure out something. I have pets that are like my children. I rescue abused animals and they are here because this is there last chance, they don't have anywhere but me.
My husband said last night after I gave him the day to think about his priorities, that they were family, the house and his job. I asked him to close his eyes and imagine a photograph of his family. When he finally did, I asked him who was in it (he doesn't have a big family, and he doesn't like many of mine) and he didn't name himself. I asked if he was in the picture, because right now, he isn't. He wasn't, he's calling a psychologist today and he's cutting down to 1.5 pills a day just to get through work. Because I do think that keeping the things that are important to him from falling apart is part of my responsibility as a wife until he lies again. And he Very well may, but he knows what's at stake. I couldn't even cry yesterday. He was sobing half the day and I couldn't cry, I've grown numb to his sorrow. There's so much healing to have here. I'm going to make some calls for me also, to talk to someone about crying again.
He's going to work somehow though pretty much everyday, but now he's threatening to not go if I don't give him enough to "ween off"--
Should I give him the couple a day he says will keep him functioning?? If so, how long? I don't know what to do... how do I truat again and again and again...
he lies to me about other things as well... stupid things,
I can't afford our mortgage and everything as I'm not able to work f/t- I feel so trapped.
Physically he isn't abusive. He's gotten "out of control" a few times and hurt me in a tantrum, but he's more self destructive than anything. All of this started I think when his step daughters mother took her for the summer last year and never brought her back. We don't have any way of getting her back and she's four states away from us. I'm not making any excuses for him, it's inexcusable, his behavior; the position he's put us into. I've been depressed and I'm not a healthy person, he's held it together for us for a long time. I owe him support, no question, he's my husband. I decided last night though, this is the last lie I need to endure. I've plotted his course and cleaned up the messes for a long time in our relationship. I appreciate him going to work and being responsible about keeping a f/t job, but that's just part of life. I'm not leaving my home, I will figure out something. I have pets that are like my children. I rescue abused animals and they are here because this is there last chance, they don't have anywhere but me.
My husband said last night after I gave him the day to think about his priorities, that they were family, the house and his job. I asked him to close his eyes and imagine a photograph of his family. When he finally did, I asked him who was in it (he doesn't have a big family, and he doesn't like many of mine) and he didn't name himself. I asked if he was in the picture, because right now, he isn't. He wasn't, he's calling a psychologist today and he's cutting down to 1.5 pills a day just to get through work. Because I do think that keeping the things that are important to him from falling apart is part of my responsibility as a wife until he lies again. And he Very well may, but he knows what's at stake. I couldn't even cry yesterday. He was sobing half the day and I couldn't cry, I've grown numb to his sorrow. There's so much healing to have here. I'm going to make some calls for me also, to talk to someone about crying again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Physically he isn't abusive. He's gotten "out of control" a few times and hurt me in a tantrum
Because I do think that keeping the things that are important to him from falling apart is part of my responsibility as a wife until he lies again
You sound like you are starting to work on your recovery and that is great. Keep posting and reading stickies....
I hope you decide to stick around and I hope you Husband follows through and gets clean.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 6
he's never hit me. he's hurt me by slamming doors on me and not realizinf I'm there in anger, if I'm holding something he'd snatch it out of my hands and it's gotten caught in my fingers. I smacked him once, I thought he was going to hit me a few times, but he never has. His words are usually meaner than any physical blows. I've been in a physically abusive relationship, and I'm not going back down that road. If he did hit me, there would be no obligation left for me.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Voided... your screen name says much. ((hugs))
What I know today about addiction is this -
There is nothing I could do to CAUSE addiction
There is nothing I could do to CONTROL addiction
There is nothing I could do to CURE addiction
Seems simple, doesn't it? Those are the 3Cs I learned in Alanon... but when I look back at MY behavior duing the years of chaos, I was trying VERY much, to do each of those things.
I was either feeling some sort of guilt for having CAUSED it, or trying to do things to CONTROL my addicts (and their addiction), or seeking desperately for something I could say or do that would CURE the addiction.
To be honest, I flat out didn't believe those who told me what I was doing was ineffective. I believed it may be ineffetive for THEM... but they didn't know me, they didn't know how hard I can work at something, they didn't know how tenacious and loyal I am.
... except they did. Because many of them were very much like me. It took me a while to discover that.
If you get the opportunity, I would urge you to look around on this site, and read as many of the posts, especially the "stickie" posts at the tops of the forums. Educate yourself about the reality of addiction... it has everything to do with him, and almost nothing to do with you.
It is chronic - it is there even when an addict stops using/drinking
It is progressive - whatever you are seeing today is better than you will have a year from now.
It is fatal - if left untreated.
What I also know today is that though I am powerless over the addiction, I am not powerless over ME. I can set boundaries around ME that make my life better. I can say - NO drug use in my home (not prescribed by a doctor). I can say NO violence, neither overt or covert. And I can have some consequences for violation of my boundaries... I can choose to remove myself from the home until *I* determine my boundaries are being met.
You are not your husbands doctor, nor are you his jailer. If he needs to detox, then he might want to contact the hospital. Getting yourself out of his addiction can save your life... it will definitely save your sanity.
((hugs))
What I know today about addiction is this -
There is nothing I could do to CAUSE addiction
There is nothing I could do to CONTROL addiction
There is nothing I could do to CURE addiction
Seems simple, doesn't it? Those are the 3Cs I learned in Alanon... but when I look back at MY behavior duing the years of chaos, I was trying VERY much, to do each of those things.
I was either feeling some sort of guilt for having CAUSED it, or trying to do things to CONTROL my addicts (and their addiction), or seeking desperately for something I could say or do that would CURE the addiction.
To be honest, I flat out didn't believe those who told me what I was doing was ineffective. I believed it may be ineffetive for THEM... but they didn't know me, they didn't know how hard I can work at something, they didn't know how tenacious and loyal I am.
... except they did. Because many of them were very much like me. It took me a while to discover that.
If you get the opportunity, I would urge you to look around on this site, and read as many of the posts, especially the "stickie" posts at the tops of the forums. Educate yourself about the reality of addiction... it has everything to do with him, and almost nothing to do with you.
It is chronic - it is there even when an addict stops using/drinking
It is progressive - whatever you are seeing today is better than you will have a year from now.
It is fatal - if left untreated.
What I also know today is that though I am powerless over the addiction, I am not powerless over ME. I can set boundaries around ME that make my life better. I can say - NO drug use in my home (not prescribed by a doctor). I can say NO violence, neither overt or covert. And I can have some consequences for violation of my boundaries... I can choose to remove myself from the home until *I* determine my boundaries are being met.
You are not your husbands doctor, nor are you his jailer. If he needs to detox, then he might want to contact the hospital. Getting yourself out of his addiction can save your life... it will definitely save your sanity.
((hugs))
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome, don't think i've met you yet, the addict in my life is my husband or 21 yrs, sorry that you are hurting. in my opinion, it still sounds like a little abuse going on there, if he's hurting you then he's abusive if one way or another, only my opinion. i thing that you are doing good though, you are reaching out, i'm disabled too, only my ah and i are seperated, i couldn't take his verbal and emotional abuse any longer, his addiction was making me crazy.
at first i thought that i was responsible for keeping my husband grounded but after i found myself stone crazy and found sr, i found out and realized that the only person that i'm responsible for is me and my sanity. i think that my ah is an adult and should be responsible for his own life, his own actions, it freed me up so that i could finally think about me and how i want to live my life.
i realized that there is nothing that i could do to help my husband if he didn't want to be helped. i was going down with him tring to stand by him and he was in no way ready to get clean or stop his abusive behavior. i'll keep you and your husband in my prayers
at first i thought that i was responsible for keeping my husband grounded but after i found myself stone crazy and found sr, i found out and realized that the only person that i'm responsible for is me and my sanity. i think that my ah is an adult and should be responsible for his own life, his own actions, it freed me up so that i could finally think about me and how i want to live my life.
i realized that there is nothing that i could do to help my husband if he didn't want to be helped. i was going down with him tring to stand by him and he was in no way ready to get clean or stop his abusive behavior. i'll keep you and your husband in my prayers
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 28
voided,
You will find, as I did, that you are not alone. You are not stupid for believing the lies. My AH also stole my pain pills, and would blame it on the kids, or say I must have taken more than I thought. I too, have animals. Lots & lots!! LOL But, I am in the process of, who stays and who goes right now. Do not hesitate to ask friends and neighbors to help with the animals, because they will. I am very happy to have found this forum, and am glad you found it too. I'll be thinking of you.
You will find, as I did, that you are not alone. You are not stupid for believing the lies. My AH also stole my pain pills, and would blame it on the kids, or say I must have taken more than I thought. I too, have animals. Lots & lots!! LOL But, I am in the process of, who stays and who goes right now. Do not hesitate to ask friends and neighbors to help with the animals, because they will. I am very happy to have found this forum, and am glad you found it too. I'll be thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
whew... i am sorry for what your husband is doing.please learn to take care of you.set some boundries to begin with.big sis gave you alot of good sound advice.i go with her.welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here.keep coming back.we care.prayers for you & your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your time and encouragement.
My husband went to see a psychologist last night, (one he was seeing years ago, before he and I even knew each other) and he even stopped home before and was in a very good mood. I went through the whole house, called all his doctors, and even went through his car... he doesn't have any more vicodin. He has agreed that being as he's cut down so much already, and that the majority of the physical withdrawal is over, he is going to completely stop taking the 2 pills a day this weekend. He's going to work on his recovery, and I explained to him, that I needed to figure out where my head was at also. I told him I was going to be here for him, but he needed to give me space to clear my mind and heart. You see, I have a sister who's been on methadone for 6 years as well, and she's off of it as of last month. It's been a VERY tough time for her and I've been trying to be there for her when this happened. I'm not a stranger to being lied to and stolen from you see, even my ex-best friend is a herion addict. I just never thought I'd put myself back into a situation where I was feeling unsafe at home again. My guards are back up and I'm having some serious trust issues that I need to work out. I just hope I have enough love left in my heart for my husband. Some days I feel like letting the world crumble in on me... but I got through another day. He also told me he would no longer smoke weed. I was thinking about it, and I don't think this man has been my husband for a couple years... My thoughts are everywhere right now, but it feels good to let it out. Thank you all so much. I wish you the best in your situations, I know I'm not alone.
My husband went to see a psychologist last night, (one he was seeing years ago, before he and I even knew each other) and he even stopped home before and was in a very good mood. I went through the whole house, called all his doctors, and even went through his car... he doesn't have any more vicodin. He has agreed that being as he's cut down so much already, and that the majority of the physical withdrawal is over, he is going to completely stop taking the 2 pills a day this weekend. He's going to work on his recovery, and I explained to him, that I needed to figure out where my head was at also. I told him I was going to be here for him, but he needed to give me space to clear my mind and heart. You see, I have a sister who's been on methadone for 6 years as well, and she's off of it as of last month. It's been a VERY tough time for her and I've been trying to be there for her when this happened. I'm not a stranger to being lied to and stolen from you see, even my ex-best friend is a herion addict. I just never thought I'd put myself back into a situation where I was feeling unsafe at home again. My guards are back up and I'm having some serious trust issues that I need to work out. I just hope I have enough love left in my heart for my husband. Some days I feel like letting the world crumble in on me... but I got through another day. He also told me he would no longer smoke weed. I was thinking about it, and I don't think this man has been my husband for a couple years... My thoughts are everywhere right now, but it feels good to let it out. Thank you all so much. I wish you the best in your situations, I know I'm not alone.
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