marle

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. And I have come to believe that the hardest place for us who love addicts to be is in the place where we know we need to change but have yet to figure out what that means. I know for me it has been very hard to just let my AD go. In the past the fear of never seeing her again and the what ifs kept me in a place of trying to make it work. The harder I tried the more I felt resentment. The harder I tried the more I could see that it was not going to work for me. At first I felt guilty because a good mom should never give up on her child. Then I felt angry because I was trying so hard to make my daughter see that she needed to do something, yet she was not. Then I felt fear. What if I draw my boundary of no relationship until she gets help and she never does. Will that mean that I never will see her again. Something that is almost impossible for a mother to comprehend. That part has been the hardest. Accepting that not living with active addiction may mean that I will lose a relationship with her forever. But I know in my heart that I can't accept a relationship based on addiction. It is like a dog chasing its tail. You never catch up and you never get the prize. So, right now, I am living it one day at a time. I know that for today I can make it. I don't look into the future because to accept a life without my child in it is not something that I can live with at this time. So I tell myself that today I can do it and tomorrow is a big question that only God has the answer for. Praying sure helps and also having faith that she needs to walk this path and walk it alone. Because, ultimately, we make our choices alone. People can offer us a helping hand, but we still need to make our decisions for ourselves. I am not saying that this will work for every parent, just that it is what works for me. Hugs, Marle

havehope

(((marle)))
I know how you feel. As you know my 20 yr old daughter is my addict. She was clean when she left our house in ov 06 to move in with her 41 year old boyfriend (now married without us knowing). She might have been clean but she was not working her recvery. Still lying . . . I decided I could not have a relationship with her unless she was clean AND working on her recovery. She still blames me for every problem she has ever had.
I haven't talked to her in months. It is so very hard because I want a relationship with my daughter, but I want it to be healthy.
So I wait and wait and pray and pray. I miss seeing her and hearing her voice so bad it almost kills me.
It is so difficult to do. I will never give up on a healthy relationship with her; I just hope it happens before one of us dies.
HUS from one mom to another.
Terri

Mavis

Marle.. that's the exact way I am dealing with things right now with my AH. Thank you for getting it out for me..

(((hugs)))

teke

i think you are doing good marle, i know how hard it is, i'm praying that she finds her way soon and honestly i think she will, just stay strong and keep praying that god protects her, i believe that even if she don't believe or acknowledge a hp, then god will still honor your prayers.

i can tell you, being an addicted daughter, that when i finally got sober, and began to work my program, it didn't take me long to realize that the most loving thing that my family did for me was to let me fall on my own. it took time for me to rebuild that trust but slowly and in time, i did, and now my family and i have a better relationship than we ever had, just hold on, you'll see your daughter again, and i mean the sober one.

i think that my own involvement with drugs is what keeps me stuck, i know that it can be done and for me to watch the actions of the addict don't alter my hope at all, i was also told that i was never gonna get better, but guess what, after all i've been through, i'm still here! still praying for ya

marle

Havehope, It is hard when they are with someone who enables them. My AD's 37 year old boyfriend buys her all the drugs she wants and also finds ways to isolate her. He doesn't let her work or drive and does not give her messages that I send. But that is where she wants to be and until she decides she needs to be responsible for herself that is where she will stay. I figure that she has what she needs. Someone to buy her drugs and give her a place to stay so that she does not need to do anything for herself. Kind of the way she likes it So no incentive to change. Hugs, Marle

havehope

Marle
It sounds as if we have twin daughters! I can't believe it! My daughters' new 41 year old husband controls her every move. Even rides with her to her college and sits in her car while she is in class! How sick. He also intercepts her e-mails and controls her phone calls. We have not spoken to her in a while. And if we do get a response to an e-mail we have sent her, we know that he has written it. (she made a perfect 800 on the SATII writing and we know she would not make the grammer mistakes that were written in "her" e-mail).
It is so sad to see her being manipulated by this person whom she thinks loves her so much. Also letting herself be manipulated is just as bad.
I pray that we will someday have an honest relationship, but like you, I am up against a hard battle with this guy and the drugs.
I will never give up though and I will also keep your daughter in my prayers.
Terri