Confussed, andgry, but READY for a possitive change!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: saint george Utah
Posts: 14
Confussed, andgry, but READY for a possitive change!
Hi all,
Been a while since I have been here.
As my "fell off the wagon AH sleeps off his most recent f*** u*! I am back hoping for a litttle feed back..
I shoud have never stopped coming here. I thought because my AH was in "active Recovery" that life was always going to be the way I that it was then. SO much better, then active recovery, but I have came to the realization that life isn't ever going to change for me unless I do something about it...
After 2 years clean from meth, my AH is using again. One night of fusteration and anger towards me and he is using, yet again.
Last time I went throught this with him, I was so hurt and so blinded by tring to make HIM see that HE was destrying me and our family that I forgot about me and my kids.
I was scared. I was pg with my last baby and already had 3 others.
I have growen to become a stronger women along the way and I am actully relived that I found the meth pipe and the meth. I wasn't looking for it either, I was actully looking for a vaccum peice. anyways I found what I found.
I am so torn. I really want to be free of all of this use! I am tierd of carring him on my back. I have enough to carry all on my own. I feel though that if I make him leave really leave that he will fail!
I am scared for him!
I am not scared for me, I am relived for me.. I want to not worry anymore.
I have 4 kids to worry about. I don't want to worry about a adult.
I love him, but there is no more of me to give to him.
I really just want to be responsible for me and my kids...
Been a while since I have been here.
As my "fell off the wagon AH sleeps off his most recent f*** u*! I am back hoping for a litttle feed back..
I shoud have never stopped coming here. I thought because my AH was in "active Recovery" that life was always going to be the way I that it was then. SO much better, then active recovery, but I have came to the realization that life isn't ever going to change for me unless I do something about it...
After 2 years clean from meth, my AH is using again. One night of fusteration and anger towards me and he is using, yet again.
Last time I went throught this with him, I was so hurt and so blinded by tring to make HIM see that HE was destrying me and our family that I forgot about me and my kids.
I was scared. I was pg with my last baby and already had 3 others.
I have growen to become a stronger women along the way and I am actully relived that I found the meth pipe and the meth. I wasn't looking for it either, I was actully looking for a vaccum peice. anyways I found what I found.
I am so torn. I really want to be free of all of this use! I am tierd of carring him on my back. I have enough to carry all on my own. I feel though that if I make him leave really leave that he will fail!
I am scared for him!
I am not scared for me, I am relived for me.. I want to not worry anymore.
I have 4 kids to worry about. I don't want to worry about a adult.
I love him, but there is no more of me to give to him.
I really just want to be responsible for me and my kids...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: saint george Utah
Posts: 14
ahhh this is what I was looking for thank you to the lady that posted this above!
(qoute from above)
Are you wondering when the pain stops?
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
I am ready!
(qoute from above)
Are you wondering when the pain stops?
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
I am ready!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((hugs)) Clarity comes when we need it most. I am glad you found some.
There is hope and peace and comfort ... and serenity out there. Each of us deserves a good life. We were NOT put here to suffer. We were put here to learn and feel joy!!
((hugs))
There is hope and peace and comfort ... and serenity out there. Each of us deserves a good life. We were NOT put here to suffer. We were put here to learn and feel joy!!
((hugs))
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with bigsis and you, it doesn't get any better, if this is the life you want then you already have it only it does get worse. there is no guarentee with addiction,congrats on your sobriety but its up to your husband to find his own way. i know that you are afraid that he won't make it without you but the truth is, there is nothing that you can say or do to help him to make it. he'll only stop when he chooses to stop whether with you are with him or not.
my ah, after 21 yrs of marriage is still doing the same off and on recovery bit, and i've been around to whole time, you are young and you don't have to live you life this way for as long as i have, believe me, it will only get worse unless he commits to recovery and you have no way of knowing if he ever will. the choice of how long you are willing to wait is yours to make, i wished i had found this place about 17yrs ago, by now, i may have had me a new addiction free husband, maybe not, but at least i would have been opened to it. sorry if i'm being hard, don't mean to, just don't want to see another wife go through what i've suffered through all of these yrs. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
my ah, after 21 yrs of marriage is still doing the same off and on recovery bit, and i've been around to whole time, you are young and you don't have to live you life this way for as long as i have, believe me, it will only get worse unless he commits to recovery and you have no way of knowing if he ever will. the choice of how long you are willing to wait is yours to make, i wished i had found this place about 17yrs ago, by now, i may have had me a new addiction free husband, maybe not, but at least i would have been opened to it. sorry if i'm being hard, don't mean to, just don't want to see another wife go through what i've suffered through all of these yrs. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
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