anamaria

What do I say to that? His mood is mean and moody...though I'm the one who is moody irratable. Yes, I am b/c of his behavior, but that he uses b/c of me? I know I should not take this personally, but I am tired of our relationship like this.


Sometimes, I do feel that is my fault...that I don't give him enough love, am not affectionate enough, am moody...yes, it's true b/c I can't stand who he's become.


Any thoughts????????????

dollydo

He uses coke because he is addicted to it. It is his first priorty and love.

That is the honest truth. You can do anything you want to do, but, it will not change him, it will not make him clean.

He and only he can take the steps to get the white devil off his back. It is solely his decision and responsibility to cure.

Don't beat yourself up over his addiction. There is nothing you can do.

Work on you, go to meetings, keep posting, for you, not him.

SaTiT

I don't think so...

however, those are common words addicts tell other people.

hope213

welcome to S.R. he uses because he is an addict.read the stickys at the top of the forum."what addicts do". remember the 3c's. i didn't CAUSE IT,i can't CONTROL IT,& i can't CURE IT. addicts blame any thing & everybody. they are the only ones who can control themselves & only them. quit taking the blame & learn to look after yourself.there is nothing you can do for him.hugs & prayers, hope

margo

WOW! How powerful you must be, to have the ability to make him use drugs!

He can say it's your fault until the cows come home - doesn't make it true. It's always easier to blame someone else for bad behaviour than take personal responsibility. All the love in the world won't change an addict who isn't ready to change. It's not your fault - don't even entertain the idea.

Hugs!

marle

Repeat as many times as needed. I not responsible for another's behavior. If you were such a bad influence don't you think it would just be easier for him to dump you than to put a drug in his body that is highly addictive. Please you can tell him for me that when he opens his mouth a whole lot of BS is coming out. Seriously, Anamaria, I am sorry you are hurting, but it is not your fault. If you were not around to blame, he would use someone else. My daughter is my addict and she has tried all the excuses. Now she knows better. I don't buy into it anymore. I hope that you will stick around and read and let other's share their experiences with you. Hugs, Marle

Ann

If he doesn't blame you it would mean that he would have to take responsibility for his own bad choices and active addicts just don't take responsibility for anything.

It's not your fault. Nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or neglect to say, nothing you could think of doing will make any difference. If WE had that kind of power, not one of us would be here today.

It's not your fault. Remember that.

Hugs

Blackrose2756

Ann said it best. If he can't blame you...he'll find something to blame. It's hard not to take it personally, but he's going to keep blaming you until you decide to do something else. I told my ex one day "if I'm so hard to live with....why don't you leave??" 3 years later, I kicked him out. We've been 2,000 miles apart over a year & he's still telling me that it's MY fault that we are apart & that he has to live with some bimbo that he doesn't care about.

Lynne

BigSis

First thing I learned in Alanon - The 3 Cs:

I can't CAUSE addiction
I can't CONTROL addiction
I can't CURE addiction


Those help me very much. ... and that was only the beginnning. Alanon can give not only support, but resources and ideas you might not have already considered.

((hugs))

Lovestoomuch

Ditto and double ditto to everything everyone said before me. My exabf is a cocaine/crack addict and I heard the same thing. When he'd quit for small spurts at a time..........I was the reason for his relapse too doncha know??

Repeat after me. "No No No No No No". :nono:

Blackrose2756

Hey, Loves, didn't we get here about the same time? And we are both still hanging in there. That says something.

Lynne

Elana

Just so you know, you can't cause him to use any drug. He chose to do it and he got addicted.

It really doesn't matter what the drug is they get addicted to.. and it is no one's fault they use but theirs and their disease of addiction.

they can choose to continue on that path and use or choose to work a program and get clean.

Meanwhile, you can't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. What you can do is learn to love yourself and learn to separate fact from addict fiction.

liesagain

Not only do you NOT cause him to do drugs..............theres NOTHING you can do to make him NOT do DRUGS
Unfortunately we just don't have that kind of control over their addictions..........to bad we don't though cause I bet if we had the control or were the ones making the decisions the drugs and addiction wouldn't be an issue.

Good luck to you!

teke

yeap, me too. i was the reason my rah used too, i like to have drove myself trying to figure out how to stop doing whatever it was that i was doing that kept driving him to use drugs, then i came here to find out it was not my fault at all.

you did nothing wrong, nothing you could do or not do can make him do anything, he uses cause he wants to and he blames you so he won't have to own his own bad choices. keep the focus on you and let him own his own misery. keeping you and yours in my prayers

nogard

Yes Ann its all about denial in active addiction and then blame everyone and everything else too.

So grateful I have clarity and peace in my life today. I would not have been able to read and take in any of this when I was using, I would not have heard it.

Kevin

daisylady

I used to believe it was partly my fault too that my AH used coke because my AH was so unwilling to get the help that he needed for SOOO long. However, I have learned by coming here and going to meetings that it is NOT my fault, and it is not your fault either! I learned that my AH would get help when he was ready, and I needed to continue living MY life despite what HE was doing (easier said than done, I know).

I agree with the previsous posters, it is not your fault and in no way could his drug use EVER be your fault. He will not stop until he is ready to change his life. I wish we could help them but if we could we would not be posting here.

Keep your head up and try to focus on you, set some healthy boundaries and keep coming back here! : ) This site has helped me SOOOO MUCH!

Prayers and hugs,
Tiffany

parentrecovers

ok, great! so we have the power to cause them to to use it, that must mean we also have the power to make them stop. problem solved. NOT! wish it was that easy though...blessings, k

they'll say anything to get someone else to take their accountability and responsibility away. don't buy into it.