drainedwife

when i start feeling strong i always start to move back a few steps and "feel bad".
Let me explain. about 4 years ago, I racked up money on the credit card. I didnt do it on purpose, it just happened because i shop for the household, groceries, gas, clothing, vacations, everything was on the card, and it got very high.. I hid it from my husband, thinking i could handle it. When he found out, he was very very upset because he has always stressed saving, and trying to pay off the mortgage, etc. I have to admit that the one thing i have overspent on has been clothes for the kids....ive bought too much in the past. anyway, after that i tried to curb my spending, but didnt have a budget and stick to it, like he asked. i dont know why, i just thought i could handle it without a budget. so anyway, the monthly credit card bills were still high every month. he reached the point where he didnt care anymore and started to "use". i am not certain that this is the point where he did start to "use". (i remember having the credit card issue (before he knew about it)and saying to myself "i shouldnt be shopping,. but he is doing drugs, and that is worse." )anyway, i guess it doesnt matter when he actually started, but in his mind he started because he said " i am going to spend the money before she does".
so here we are today....he is still complaining that i am spending too much money. I have since gotten a full-time job, and beleive i am not "over-spending on things we dont need". I am willing to do a budget now and stick to it....and he said he will go to my addiction therapist with me this weekend.
Also, he says he uses because "he wants to, not becaue he is addicted". He brings it into the house against my boundaries, i think because he just doesnt care about anything..he has said he doesnt care whether he lives or dies. And i beleive him...he is THAT depressed.
I cant help feeling bad because i know he can be a good person, when he is not using....i dont want him to be so depressed that he"wants to die". I want to be able to do everything absolutly possible to try to help him, although i know it has to come from him in the end....
i cant help but feel guilty, that i should have done more to curb my spending.
I know it is not my fault that he chose the route he did to deal with his depression, but i still feel guilt...why???
please help me to put things into perspective. i knwo i am living in an unhealthy environment, and my kids are living in an unhealthy environment and it is my jobn to "protect" them.

teke

sorry that you are hurting, don't mean any harm by saying this but in my opinion, sounds like you are excepting the blame which is causing the guilt. maybe you are guilty for running up the credit card but whats done is done, and seems like you have owned your mistake and it trying to right the wrong, i think maybe you should forgive yourself and move on from that. i think that your husband is useing your spending to manipulate you, to keep the focus off him and his using. you are not responsible for the choices he makes for his life at all. he's useing cause he wants to use and it has nothing to do with your overspending. i'm an addict and i think that your husband is using what works for him to have life with you, the way he wants it.

he's overstepping boundaries because you are allowing him to. maybe in setting boundaries, you can set ones that you know that you can stick too. there should be consequences for overstepping boundaries, what are you gonna do now that he is crossing them?

maybe if you can, take the focus completely off him and what he's taking about, and turn the focus completely on you. you are not responsible for him and there is nothing you can do to make him want to stop using, but you can do something to make your life easier, even if you have to do it without him for a while. have you gone to any meetings yet? they can really be helpful to you. keeping you and yours in my prayers

drainedwife

thanks for your reply. It really did help. I totally believe that he thinks it is my shopping that caused him to use. I have said to him how come other people go throught he same kind of situations, and they dont resort to using, so why do you? there is something else going on..he said i can see that, but also, maybe i have an addictive personality and/or i have easy access to it. he still thinks he doesnt have a "drug problem" though. he told me the most he has used is 2 to 3 times a week. How can that NOT be a problem? we also know that addicts never tell the truth about how much they actually do use...so that most likely is not accurate....

hope213

anything is an excuse to use for an addict. they use because they want to, just like u shop because you want to. anything can be addictive.do not take the guilt for his actions.hugs,

teke

i tink that you do have valid questions, he sounds like he is in denial, and there is nothing that you can do or say to convince him otherwise, that is something that he'll have to figure out on his own. sorry, but maybe its time for you to allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions.

you are right, addicts very seldom tell the truth, since you know, try not to take what he says too personal. regardless of what excuse he gives you for his using, the bottom line is that he has a choice and he is choosing to use. this has nothing to do with what you do or say. try to take the focus completely off him and turn it onto yourself. do what you have to, to save yourself and leave him alone to own his own misery.

have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings yet? maybe you can come up with a plan b just in case you need one. if you are not ready to seperate physically, maybe you can start by seperating yourself financially and emotionally. do what you can to make your own life easier, with him or without him, the choice is yours. still praying for ya

HKAngel24

I really really hate how our moments of strength can be completely eradicated in moments of worry. Ironically, in our strong moments we DO remember our moments of despair vividly, but find it difficult to call to mind the courageous moments when we're feeling weak.

I think you still feel guilty because it's painful for us to let our loved ones face their own consequences. I posed another question regarding finances on how it was nearly impossible for me not to buy dinner for my abf when he had spent his paycheck on heaven knows what (before and after i knew of his addiction.)

It's hard to accept personal responsibility for ourselves and our actions that may or may not be enabling our addict. It is dually hard for us to give them back "their property" (the sticky at the top of the forum is especially helpful) when we have felt responsible for it for so long.
I think this is the whole "mind/heart" bit- when we try to alter things and change our responses it usually brings up discomfort and resistance which I believe to be normal.
I am in the process of pushing through the discomfort- just in small baby steps and little changes- and am hoping that I come out on the other end- more self-assured and stronger.

patchoulli

not for nothing but would his buying too many clothes for the kids make you use drugs????No...He uses drugs because he's an addict...The craziness kills me

drainedwife

what does it take for them to actually see that these are all excuses?? That they are using because they want to use.....???? and even though my ah admits that...he doesnt see it as a problem where he needs help!!!
insanity!

teke

i think until the addict is allowed to be totally responsible for their own actions and are allowed to suffer the consequences of their own actions, then they may get sick enough of themselves and seek help and appreciate the help enough to do whatever it takes for them to have the life that they are really seeking. i think as long as there is someone there to soften their landing then they find no real reason to want to stop. i think that this is why meetings are so important for us, it helps me to keep the focus on me and not so much about what hes doing or gonna do. it remains all about me.