Thought I was doing well
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thought I was doing well
I had more than a little relapse today into my neurotic behaviors.
Spoke to abf on the phone. He was irritated that due to 3 DUIs he received before the age of 19 he has had his license revoked until 2008. He relies on public transportation to get to work and the job he is currently on has a train that he has to wait two hours to catch.
He called me today really irritated and was being short and chilly while waiting for the train, telling me he felt really depressed and like it was not going to get better.
What do I do? I go completely insane. I am in class and I get up and go outside to talk to him for almost 20 minutes. (I am very, very pathetic) What I was trying to get out of him I don't know... He continued to be grumpy and I completely caved. I started becoming incredibly anxious that his depression would lead to him using which would mean he's been lying to me. I basically fell back into a completely hysterical, urget, frantic panic. My hands were shaking. I tried to sit through class but was so obsessive and consumed by this that I left and went down to meet him at the train stain. (Can someone say nutty???!?) I walked him to his outpatient even after he told me to go home. Like a little, sad puppy dog. He asked me why I left class early and I told him because I felt sick to my stomach. We walked a few blocks in silence my entire body clenched. I HATE that I am so sickly codependent - even after I KNOW that there are other ways to think, feel and behave.
I am being this needy, whimpering woman and I can see my self-respect and dignity dissipating. It's like I know that he knows I am controlled by his emotions. It's sad because he even said to me - "I look to you to at least be a little positive when I'm upset but, all you do get even more upset than I am."
He is right. I personalize behavior and cannot separate myself from it. A flood of rejection and abandonment washes over me and I behave like a lunatic. He hasn't been this upset about something in awhile so I feel like it was my first big test of how I would change my reactions and I failed. I should have stuck to reminding myself that his problems belong to him and that I must NOT take them on as if they were my own.
Like I am a puppet and he is pulling my strings. I know I am the only one who can change this- I just wanted to get this out because I am feeling really depleted, like a failure and pretty bad about myself at the moment.
Spoke to abf on the phone. He was irritated that due to 3 DUIs he received before the age of 19 he has had his license revoked until 2008. He relies on public transportation to get to work and the job he is currently on has a train that he has to wait two hours to catch.
He called me today really irritated and was being short and chilly while waiting for the train, telling me he felt really depressed and like it was not going to get better.
What do I do? I go completely insane. I am in class and I get up and go outside to talk to him for almost 20 minutes. (I am very, very pathetic) What I was trying to get out of him I don't know... He continued to be grumpy and I completely caved. I started becoming incredibly anxious that his depression would lead to him using which would mean he's been lying to me. I basically fell back into a completely hysterical, urget, frantic panic. My hands were shaking. I tried to sit through class but was so obsessive and consumed by this that I left and went down to meet him at the train stain. (Can someone say nutty???!?) I walked him to his outpatient even after he told me to go home. Like a little, sad puppy dog. He asked me why I left class early and I told him because I felt sick to my stomach. We walked a few blocks in silence my entire body clenched. I HATE that I am so sickly codependent - even after I KNOW that there are other ways to think, feel and behave.
I am being this needy, whimpering woman and I can see my self-respect and dignity dissipating. It's like I know that he knows I am controlled by his emotions. It's sad because he even said to me - "I look to you to at least be a little positive when I'm upset but, all you do get even more upset than I am."
He is right. I personalize behavior and cannot separate myself from it. A flood of rejection and abandonment washes over me and I behave like a lunatic. He hasn't been this upset about something in awhile so I feel like it was my first big test of how I would change my reactions and I failed. I should have stuck to reminding myself that his problems belong to him and that I must NOT take them on as if they were my own.
Like I am a puppet and he is pulling my strings. I know I am the only one who can change this- I just wanted to get this out because I am feeling really depleted, like a failure and pretty bad about myself at the moment.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are an intelligent woman, this I can tell by your posts.
When you study for a test, do you study with your head or your heart? Obviously, your head. Your head (brain) is designed to do the thinking, your heart is not. You are trying to saddle your heart with a job it cannot do, and thus, the project will end up with an F.
You are only controlled by his emotions, because that is what you are choosing to do.
You are struggling with detaching, because, you do not want to do it, that's it. So, don't do it, days will turn into months, months into years and you will be in the same place, and if that is what you want, then that's fine.
There is a root to your not wanting to let go, and it's not all about your bf, it started long before you met him...only you know where.
Have you considered therapy? It may help you sort all this out.
I can respond to your posts for the next 10 years, but, you will do nothing positive for you, until you are ready.
Dolly
When you study for a test, do you study with your head or your heart? Obviously, your head. Your head (brain) is designed to do the thinking, your heart is not. You are trying to saddle your heart with a job it cannot do, and thus, the project will end up with an F.
You are only controlled by his emotions, because that is what you are choosing to do.
You are struggling with detaching, because, you do not want to do it, that's it. So, don't do it, days will turn into months, months into years and you will be in the same place, and if that is what you want, then that's fine.
There is a root to your not wanting to let go, and it's not all about your bf, it started long before you met him...only you know where.
Have you considered therapy? It may help you sort all this out.
I can respond to your posts for the next 10 years, but, you will do nothing positive for you, until you are ready.
Dolly
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Heather
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, girl. It could have been worse you know?? You could have gone to the train station and carried him to his rehab on your back!! Now, that's something I would have done for sure. You want to talk CO-DEPENDANT?? Let's talk! Bet I got you beat. LOL
It takes time and practice and more time and more practice to finally stop.
At least you recognized it which is more than I did. It didn't even matter how many times the Warden at San Quentin asked me to stop calling him! OOPS!
Hugs, Devastated
It takes time and practice and more time and more practice to finally stop.
At least you recognized it which is more than I did. It didn't even matter how many times the Warden at San Quentin asked me to stop calling him! OOPS!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Hon, it takes time. Learn from this and tell yourself your not going to act taht way anymore. Keep going over it. You may slip again and again but each time a little less.
I acted that exact same way 14 months ago. It took time and lots of self disocvery. For me it took reexamining where that behavior came from, some of the was painful, but I dont act taht way today, not even the feelings are the same.
If you can get the book Woman who love too much. I paid $2 on amazon.com. It'll help I promise
I acted that exact same way 14 months ago. It took time and lots of self disocvery. For me it took reexamining where that behavior came from, some of the was painful, but I dont act taht way today, not even the feelings are the same.
If you can get the book Woman who love too much. I paid $2 on amazon.com. It'll help I promise
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i realized that dolly was saying what i kind of wanted to say. in my opinion, maybe you might want to take a deeper look inside you to see why is it that you seem to be so afraid that you'll be rejected or abondoned, maybe a therapist can help you come to grips with what maybe an underlined issue surrounding your fears.
i also believe that it takes time and conscience awareness to change habits, try not to beat yourself up. maybe if you haven't already, try to recognize and accept what might bring on these feelings, you may decide that you won't allow yourself to think the thoughts that trigger those feelings. if just so happen you find that you can't change the thoughts, you may find yourself trying hard not to hear whatever you listen to that may trigger the thoughts, either way, in my opinion, focusing more on you and less on whats going on with him, maybe a good place to start.
it took for me to realize that no matter what i did or did not do, if he wanted to use, then he'll use and if he wanted to leave me, there was nothing i could do to stop him, so i decided to take care of me and what i needed to do to make my life better and turn him over to my hp and allow him to lead him where he needed to be. still praying for you
i also believe that it takes time and conscience awareness to change habits, try not to beat yourself up. maybe if you haven't already, try to recognize and accept what might bring on these feelings, you may decide that you won't allow yourself to think the thoughts that trigger those feelings. if just so happen you find that you can't change the thoughts, you may find yourself trying hard not to hear whatever you listen to that may trigger the thoughts, either way, in my opinion, focusing more on you and less on whats going on with him, maybe a good place to start.
it took for me to realize that no matter what i did or did not do, if he wanted to use, then he'll use and if he wanted to leave me, there was nothing i could do to stop him, so i decided to take care of me and what i needed to do to make my life better and turn him over to my hp and allow him to lead him where he needed to be. still praying for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you all.
It is truly heartbreaking to be sitting here, typing while my bf lays in bed and sleeps. There is so many questions I have yet I am too afraid to know the answers too.
It is so insanely hard to love someone like this- when you cannot trust a single thing they say.
After my lash out I came home while he went to his outpatient and I just cried and re-read sections of Co-dependent No More.
I feel very needy now.
It is truly heartbreaking to be sitting here, typing while my bf lays in bed and sleeps. There is so many questions I have yet I am too afraid to know the answers too.
It is so insanely hard to love someone like this- when you cannot trust a single thing they say.
After my lash out I came home while he went to his outpatient and I just cried and re-read sections of Co-dependent No More.
I feel very needy now.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are still hurting, but the more you work on you, the easier it gets, i know that its hard but remember that this feeling will pass sooner or later, it really does get better. when i first came here, i was literally insane, i had all the fears that you are having now, so i do understand.
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